I've tried to tell you at least 1000 times
But the words were too scared to come out
Or the right words didn't exist
In the language I've spoken my whole life
And were I to try another language
They might make more sense
You need to know - it's vital
Both emotionally & physically
And you probably already do
But your mind struggles to process
The immensity of what should have been done
so long ago
But now seems too late to reverse..
So there I've said it.. Do you understand?
Oh, there I go again. I've said so much &
Tried so hard, but the words won't come out
I'll try again soon, hopefully
Before it's too late....
Sep 5, 2017
Sep 5, 2017 at 11:50 PM UTC
The thing is, all her heart knew how to do was love.
It thrived on it, fed on it, was addicted to it.
It explored all of its elusive definitions
Basked in the all-consuming existence of it in her surroundings
She'd see it in the way lovers looked at each other when it was true - she could spot that look anywhere.
She'd hear it in the laughter between best friends, "soulmates"
When a gift was given unexpectedly, or a flower picked
She felt love in the trees and flowers she observed,
In the way birds and other animals interacted with each other.
She knew exactly what love is, and what it was not -
She learned that the hard way, unfortunately.
But, she couldn't catch it, she was never, at the right place or at the right time.
So, she locked up her heart, stored it in a safe place where it could no longer be broken.
Mar 20, 2017
Mar 20, 2017 at 9:00 PM UTC
My eyes feel like they're burning through my brain & melting.
I feel fine as long as I don't breathe.
Every nerve, muscle, joint, cell & bone in my body feels sick.
They say the best thing for you when you're sick is to sleep.....
I can't sleep because I'm too sick.
My lungs are enemies: Every time I think I am regaining control, they attack!!!
My nostrils have been invaded by debris. I try to blow it out but nothing budges, yet if I don't try - it's a waterfall!!
Three people have asked me why I'm crying - I'm not crying - I'm dying, slowly.
I'm such a baby when I'm ill
May 11, 2016
May 11, 2016 at 11:23 AM UTC
I know we've been through it all before.
I know you said we were just friends - nothing more.
But do you know just how difficult it is
To see your face, hear you voice and still feel like this?
A million times I've fought the feelings in my heart
I've wrestled my mind to do it's part, be smart:
That there's nothing more I can say or do.
You've made you choice, I can't have you.
But somehow it's as though there is a secret potion
Something brewing beneath the surface that might change your emotion.
If I put it down in writing, share all the lyrics to all the songs, that make me think of you, or how I feel
Maybe then you'd see the light( so to speak) and realize this is love for real.
But then I fear that even just one spoken emotion would your friendship deter... But in my mind, in my heart..
There are not enough words
May 8, 2016
May 8, 2016 at 11:44 PM UTC
The story of my life.
HE tells me I'm so smart, beautiful. Will make "some man very happy someday."
"Why not you?", I would think to myself.
We would have the most intense, heart-revealing conversations about life & friendship & loyalty & happiness... but it was just to prepare HIM for someone else (who didn't quite fit "our" description, but mostly...)
Years would pass, even a decade...a phone call, text, email from HIM to let me know the relationship has failed & 'how have I been doing?'
"I'm fine", I'd reply. "Nothing's really changed for me. Still single. Still hate my job. Still living at home." (Mentally grasping at straws for something more interesting or exciting to share, but coming up with nothing)
The conversation theoretically should have been short (because I'm boring) but "we" would talk for hours, about everything. Reminiscing about the past, what could've been.. revealing HIS secret thoughts or feelings that HE once had, "but was too afraid to tell me."
I'd be inwardly proud, validated by the confession & then later, when the conversation was long over: angry, depressed, disappointed, self-loathing. "Why did HE always do this to me? What was wrong with me, that he didn't choose me instead? What good does this information do me now? It's too late."
I'd lie to myself that I'm glad HE didn't pick me, because I wouldn't want to be the one going through the heartache of failure. I'd tell myself I'm happier being single. Cry myself to sleep & then mentally block out that the conversation ever happened with HIM to avoid the pain.
HE should've loved me first, but HE didn't.
Jul 19, 2015
Jul 19, 2015 at 11:46 PM UTC
I have worn my heart on my sleeve. I have fallen hard & fast & head first. There was a time when I'd fall in love too easily - my heart was designed to nurture & care & love 100% .. Maybe it's a defect or maybe it's closer to perfection - the way God made me; but I do not have the capacity to love half-way. I give it my everything: soul, breath & life! Unfortunately those I've loved have not been there: to cushion my fall; to put the brakes on my fall and help me stop with them; to put their arms out and catch me before I nose-dive. I have crashed & shattered & had my heart crushed.
That's why my heart is so guarded & protected - I keep it in the deepest archives - the catacombs - the vaults... The access codes are encrypted. The locks are super-enforced. So, some see me as cold & asocial, but it's just me being scared. But some who have that special vision that insight see through it. They know what the vaults contain & they are the victims of my fear. They are the ones that fight to gain access. Only the strongest ones do.......
How strong are you??
Dec 11, 2014
Dec 11, 2014 at 3:36 PM UTC
I care about you so much & want you to have the happiness & peace you of all people deserve. I've done everything I can & more to help you try to achieve that. My heart is full of love for you. And it shatters into millions of pieces when I think about not being able to be that one for you forever. "The heart is treacherous & desperate" according to the bible, and it's true since I keep trying to convince myself that if I hold on tight enough for a little longer this could be something real with us. But we both know it can't, and we both know why.
On one hand, I feel like it's so unfair & selfish of me to just up & turn my back & abandon this whole thing - whatever this "thing" is. On the other hand, it's like why should I feel so guilty, you deserve more than what I can give you at this distance, you deserve love in person for real. And so do I! And meanwhile, I don't want to search for love anywhere else because when I love someone they are my focus, my one & only. Heart & soul. I feel like my years are slipping away from me, & I'm losing precious time that could be used finding something solid & tangible & mutually giving. It hurts letting go of something so valuable to you, but sometimes you find that letting it go makes room for something so much more worthwhile & desired.
I'm sorry I'm so long-winded with my good-byes. Maybe I'd be better off with short & sweet, but you're more than that to me.
So I'm really doing it this time, whether or not you understand or agree. Of course, it's hard for me, because I know this hurts you, ... I hope you know it hurts me too. But the saying goes "time heals all wounds".... Maybe not all of them, but some wounds remind us of what it means to feel.
I love you - always will...
Please take care, stay strong, and never give up on yourself. Others are waiting to see your big moment. I'll feel it when it comes, I know I will.. remember? ...we're connected electrically.
Sep 20, 2014
Sep 20, 2014 at 12:26 AM UTC
He was born strong, he had to be,
Lest he sacrifice his anonymity.
A force to be reckoned with within himself
Or was it the all-powerful force that enslaves you and me.
Most fall prey to its whims, not him.
He was wise to their tricks from the start
From every social class it claims its victims
But not he with his invincible heart.
Blame it on who you will
Mom when she popped the pill
Or pops when he gulped his swill
Siblings who plotted the ****
Past lovers who could never fulfill
No - none of the above..He blames himself
He is ill.
To be exposed to the public
Makes him physically sick
The panic sets in, then comes the sweat
Body lurching, losing control (tick, tick)
A second feels like eternity in their sight
He just wants to disappear, take flight.
The social fear, anxiety has a vicious bite.
He doesn't deserve the sad fate
Of which he's found hard to escape.
His heart made of iron walls built around the biggest love one could imagine.
His mind exploding with passion
Ambition, strength, desperation
But the fear that holds him captive
A thick Veil creates
Blinding the world's eyes - that they may never see how great
And how beautiful a mind he possesses.
I wish I could make him famous
It's a shame for him to stay concealed
If you had the honor to know what his name is
Perhaps your broken view of the world would be healed.
Because he has a way of telling a story
That is completely captivating
Equally self-shaming & proclaiming his glory
Leaves you for hours or days his words contemplating.
You can't just turn away & forget
You can't just say no & regret
When his hand is extended for aid
It's the least you can do. How you're made
In God's image, a God of love & kindness
Can't withhold or turn your eye in blindness.
Despite his pervasive surroundings
Of filth & greed & surrender
He finds a way to self-preserve
Or for a friend a favor to render.
Although he himself has nothing
No worldly possessions to claim
Would give his arm & his leg - risk his neck
To save a friend, or even a stranger, HECK!
This sorry poem still does him no justice
Doesn't convey the full picture
His life account could fill volumes
In libraries in every town of every state in this small nation.
See, even I know only a fraction.
Yet without having known him
Who would I be?
What lessons in life would be lacking?
I have him to thank for opening my heart again
Tearing it out violently & replacing it
With even more capacity to love than before.
He should know how many hearts he has touched
How many have stood at a distance & admired his strength.
He should believe that his potential is real, beyond his wildest imagination.
He should feel proud that he brought life into this world, showed someone what love means while all he's known is hate.
That in itself is a miracle.
He's a miracle
He's someone special.
Someone special to me.
Sep 2, 2014
Sep 2, 2014 at 1:18 AM UTC
The phrase came to me like a silent epiphany...Like an arrow piercing my flesh & reaching my heart like a bull's eye.
From the moment we enter this world, our hearts thrive on love. Screeching infants instantly silenced by the warm embrace & nuzzling caress of their human makers, their parents.
A child's first crush & the rush of holding hands. Chasing young love on the playground, but somehow it always gets away.
A favorite toy lost. A dropped ice cream cone. Being the last one picked for the team.
Our first kiss, first date.. Getting dumped by our first love.
We find love, get married, but maybe they're not "the one". Do you stay or call it quits?
Or maybe we hold out for "the one", single, alone. Love teases your heart like an *** with a carrot.
You go through the motions, too many times until you believe you have lost the vision of real love, true love.
You find your life's passion, your major, your mentor, you the prodigy.
In your mind you hear the warning: "There's a fine line between ambition & obsession."
Through all the stages of life, regardless of our social class, background, history or current circumstances, our heart prods us..
Beckons us to strive for our dreams, pursue our desires, reach our goals & aspirations, proclaim our love .. but that dream, desire, goal, love is always just beyond our reach, at our fingertips but never truly acquired.
Like the chef who slaves over his feast to make it perfect & basking in it's delicious aroma & savoring the taste test to serve it up for others to enjoy, longing to sit down and indulge, but alas! there's not a morsel left for him to partake - it's all gone.
Our heart starves.
Aug 30, 2014
Aug 30, 2014 at 10:08 PM UTC
I AM STRONG
I have learned the meaning.
Of love. Of heartache. Of loss.
I've grown. Shed dead leaves of sorrow & pain.
My branches have borne heavy loads,
Enjoyed the pleasure of young children swinging, climbing, laughing
Names carved into my heart: "I was here." "Cindy <3 'So & So' 4-eva"
But over the years........the bark expands.........the names slowly fade
My outer skin. of bark grows. thicker, harder to leave your mark
My purpose & appeal ** ** have changed.
I have done ** my very best
To ward off the "termites"
That eat me up inside.
My core, my limbs
Are solid
my roots
run deep
Nourishing
waters
Of truth
in my veins
Holding dear
only The most
important
Ones in my life
Mom Dad
Michael - my brother Jeanette - my sister
Naomi. Lisa. Micaela. Marina. Abby. Caleb.
MY TRUEST & GREATEST LOVE
MY. BEST. FRIEND. JEHOVAH. GOD.
May 8, 2014
May 8, 2014 at 9:04 PM UTC