stephanie-winchester - Hello Poetry

I can only hope that one day I'll stop hurting but I don't know when that day will come. I know a lot of people don't believe teenagers when they say they have depression, those people usually believe it's just for attention or that it's a phase. Maybe even hormones. Depression is a real and very serious thing, it affects a persons whole perspective on life. They feel worthless, tired, unwanted... It goes on all day long. Some have it worse than others but these people need help, they may deny it but they need it. Depression can make the simplest of things the biggest struggle, like walking, talking, eating. You become lifeless, you lose interest in things you once loved. Not many people understand, one minute I could be okay and smiling. The next I'm lost in my thoughts, stuck in a world of pain. I know it's difficult to understand how someone feels but just be there for those you know who are not okay. I have my rock, he keeps me strong. He helps me walk, talk, and eat when I can't do it anymore. He understands. People don't need counselors or medicine, we need love and care. We need to be understood and listened to. I am not seeking attention with this post, I am simply speaking my mind. I am not looking for sympathy either, I know what I have and I live with it everyday and it makes me stronger for doing so. Thank you if you did actually read all of this, and goodnight.

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Apr 12, 2017

Apr 12, 2017 at 12:15 AM UTC

Not A Poem

I can only hope that one day I'll stop hurting but I don't know when that day will come. I know a lot of people don't believe teenagers when they say they have depression, those people usually believe it's just for attention or that it's a phase. Maybe even hormones. Depression is a real and very serious thing, it affects a persons whole perspective on life. They feel worthless, tired, unwanted... It goes on all day long. Some have it worse than others but these people need help, they may deny it but they need it. Depression can make the simplest of things the biggest struggle, like walking, talking, eating. You become lifeless, you lose interest in things you once loved. Not many people understand, one minute I could be okay and smiling. The next I'm lost in my thoughts, stuck in a world of pain. I know it's difficult to understand how someone feels but just be there for those you know who are not okay. I have my rock, he keeps me strong. He helps me walk, talk, and eat when I can't do it anymore. He understands. People don't need counselors or medicine, we need love and care. We need to be understood and listened to. I am not seeking attention with this post, I am simply speaking my mind. I am not looking for sympathy either, I know what I have and I live with it everyday and it makes me stronger for doing so. Thank you if you did actually read all of this, and goodnight.

1

A day in my head, Is a life in hell. I look at my mother, the woman who has always been there, and all I feel is hatred. She loves me, right? Her sweet voice rings in my ears, But my thoughts cloud over.. Turning that sweet voice into a twisted monster. Like a fog shrouding her true form. "You're so amazing!" She's lying, you're pathetic. "I'm so proud of you!" Nope. You can't be proud of a failure. "I love you!" No she doesn't, she hates you. Why must I think this way? Because you know it's true. I overhear conversations... "Oh my god, did you see her? She is so fat." *They're talking about you, they don't even know you, and they think you're fat. Stop eating* "She's so ugly, there is no way anyone could find her attractive." *Oh, that sounds as if it was directed at you. No sense in fighting, it is true.* My fiance... He is so perfect. You don't deserve him. He tries to help me, Sometimes it works. His love alone can clear the fog. I look in the mirror, And examine my body. Noticing every unwanted scar, every unwanted stretch mark. Ew you gained weight. Look at your stretch marks. No, you're beautiful. He doesn't think that, you're disgusting. You're perfect the way you are. You have scars, fat, acne, you are flawed. I love you more than anything. No one loves you. You are my now. "And I am your forever." Those bad thoughts try to come back through, But for now, He has cleared the fog.

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Feb 8, 2017

Feb 8, 2017 at 11:09 AM UTC

A Day In My Head

A day in my head, Is a life in hell. I look at my mother, the woman who has always been there, and all I feel is hatred. She loves me, right? Her sweet voice rings in my ears, But my thoughts cloud over.. Turning that sweet voice into a twisted monster. Like a fog shrouding her true form. "You're so amazing!" She's lying, you're pathetic. "I'm so proud of you!" Nope. You can't be proud of a failure. "I love you!" No she doesn't, she hates you. Why must I think this way? Because you know it's true. I overhear conversations... "Oh my god, did you see her? She is so fat." *They're talking about you, they don't even know you, and they think you're fat. Stop eating* "She's so ugly, there is no way anyone could find her attractive." *Oh, that sounds as if it was directed at you. No sense in fighting, it is true.* My fiance... He is so perfect. You don't deserve him. He tries to help me, Sometimes it works. His love alone can clear the fog. I look in the mirror, And examine my body. Noticing every unwanted scar, every unwanted stretch mark. Ew you gained weight. Look at your stretch marks. No, you're beautiful. He doesn't think that, you're disgusting. You're perfect the way you are. You have scars, fat, acne, you are flawed. I love you more than anything. No one loves you. You are my now. "And I am your forever." Those bad thoughts try to come back through, But for now, He has cleared the fog.

51

I never thought I could have a smile so wide and true... But that was until I met you. Everyday was the same process of plastering on a fake smile... But that was until I met you. It was always so hard to keep that smile and those bright eyes... But that was until I met you. Eventually I no longer had the strength to smile... But that was until I met you. As soon as I laid my eyes on you, my shy and broken smile finally started to become true again... But that was when I finally met you. Your smile was broken too, and covered with a mask of bad habits and false happiness... But that was until I finally met you. Our broken smiles came together to fix one another... But that was when I finally met you. Both of our smiles finally became whole again... but that was when I finally met you. I was finally able to find my true smile, within yours... But that was when we fell in love.

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Jan 10, 2017

Jan 10, 2017 at 10:32 AM UTC

Smile

I never thought I could have a smile so wide and true... But that was until I met you. Everyday was the same process of plastering on a fake smile... But that was until I met you. It was always so hard to keep that smile and those bright eyes... But that was until I met you. Eventually I no longer had the strength to smile... But that was until I met you. As soon as I laid my eyes on you, my shy and broken smile finally started to become true again... But that was when I finally met you. Your smile was broken too, and covered with a mask of bad habits and false happiness... But that was until I finally met you. Our broken smiles came together to fix one another... But that was when I finally met you. Both of our smiles finally became whole again... but that was when I finally met you. I was finally able to find my true smile, within yours... But that was when we fell in love.

18

He's gone, He's out of my life... Other than his words. "You're nothing." "I wish I never had you." "Why are you so stupid?" "You're a worthless ***** "I hate you." "You'll never amount to anything." But after I left... I suddenly mean something. "Please call me." "I miss you." "I love you." "Please come home." "I'm always here if you need me." "I'm so proud of you." "I need you." Too little too late I'm afraid. What about when you saw those fresh cuts? You could have stopped me. You could have saved me. Helped me. Instead you did one thing I never expected... You laughed at me... Did you notice your guns were moved? Did you notice the bruises on my neck? How about the bruises from you the night before? Did you ever hear me crying? I mean I heard you laughing at me when I couldn't get up off the floor. Worst part of it all... I still loved you. I always did. Even after each hit, every scream, every tear. I still love you... Do you love me? Do you know what you did wrong? Will you finally be my dad? He's gone... But so am I. I can never be the same... But neither can he.

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Dec 5, 2016

Dec 5, 2016 at 10:31 AM UTC

He's Gone...

He's gone, He's out of my life... Other than his words. "You're nothing." "I wish I never had you." "Why are you so stupid?" "You're a worthless ***** "I hate you." "You'll never amount to anything." But after I left... I suddenly mean something. "Please call me." "I miss you." "I love you." "Please come home." "I'm always here if you need me." "I'm so proud of you." "I need you." Too little too late I'm afraid. What about when you saw those fresh cuts? You could have stopped me. You could have saved me. Helped me. Instead you did one thing I never expected... You laughed at me... Did you notice your guns were moved? Did you notice the bruises on my neck? How about the bruises from you the night before? Did you ever hear me crying? I mean I heard you laughing at me when I couldn't get up off the floor. Worst part of it all... I still loved you. I always did. Even after each hit, every scream, every tear. I still love you... Do you love me? Do you know what you did wrong? Will you finally be my dad? He's gone... But so am I. I can never be the same... But neither can he.

42

As all these cars drive by.. I sit here and wish one of them was yours.. So you could pick me up and take me away.. As I sit out here.. The cold nips my skin.. Making me crave your touch.. To make me warm again.. As I love you.. It only grows stronger.. With every minute I love you more.. So much it scares me.. As I sit and wait.. For that day to come.. Where we swap our vows.. I only wish for our little infinity.. And beyond.

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Nov 16, 2016

Nov 16, 2016 at 6:36 PM UTC

As I

As all these cars drive by.. I sit here and wish one of them was yours.. So you could pick me up and take me away.. As I sit out here.. The cold nips my skin.. Making me crave your touch.. To make me warm again.. As I love you.. It only grows stronger.. With every minute I love you more.. So much it scares me.. As I sit and wait.. For that day to come.. Where we swap our vows.. I only wish for our little infinity.. And beyond.

5

Can I broken container hold anything? Isn't that all we are? A container? Simply a thing to hold emotion. It seems that I have been dented; My corners, used for support, have been broken. My lid, loosely fits from being washed too many times. I have cracks from my knife slipping. Now everything I hold just.. Falls out. I have to wear long clothing in order to hold it all but it just soaks through. No bandaid will fix it. My cracks just grow bigger. My dents have healed some. But the one who caused them.. Should have been the one protecting me. We were both containers. I shared the burden. And paid the price. Now I am simply a piece of garbage left on the counter because everyone is too lazy to throw it away.

0

Jul 16, 2016

Jul 16, 2016 at 8:48 PM UTC

Empty

Can I broken container hold anything? Isn't that all we are? A container? Simply a thing to hold emotion. It seems that I have been dented; My corners, used for support, have been broken. My lid, loosely fits from being washed too many times. I have cracks from my knife slipping. Now everything I hold just.. Falls out. I have to wear long clothing in order to hold it all but it just soaks through. No bandaid will fix it. My cracks just grow bigger. My dents have healed some. But the one who caused them.. Should have been the one protecting me. We were both containers. I shared the burden. And paid the price. Now I am simply a piece of garbage left on the counter because everyone is too lazy to throw it away.

19

The leaves rustling together, dancing in the wind. The roots entangling, grabbing onto the earth. The branches rubbing, staying up against gravity. The trees dance is a unique one. Neither slow or fast. Neither graceful or clumsy. But it is certainly one that must be witnessed.

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Jul 14, 2016

Jul 14, 2016 at 8:13 PM UTC

The Tree Dance

The leaves rustling together, dancing in the wind. The roots entangling, grabbing onto the earth. The branches rubbing, staying up against gravity. The trees dance is a unique one. Neither slow or fast. Neither graceful or clumsy. But it is certainly one that must be witnessed.

7

September 14th, 2014 I looked at you; As you screamed at me, over a silly permit. So I took a chance and asked you that burning question. "What's more important to you, dad? Me or the alcohol?" All you did was look at me. You looked like you either wanted to **** me, or yourself. That night, I left your stubborn hold. Abandoned everything I knew. Left everything that I loved. I watched the street lights go by, blurred by the tears in my eyes. The radio turned up to try and drown out my sobs. To try and drown out the echo of your voice in my head. You thought I was joking. You thought it was just a teenage phase. Did you know what you were doing? The bruises you were leaving? The things you would call me? Ever since April 27th, 1999... My life was a struggle. You seemed to do everything you could to make it worse. Why didn't you just **** me? Why didn't I just **** me? Little did you know... My life was a struggle. I almost quit. But I am stronger than you will ever be. No punch, No slap, No bruise, No word, Nothing will ever bring me down. Especially not my own father. Now thanks to you, People can depend on me, I can depend on me. Because my purpose... Is to live.

0

Jul 14, 2016

Jul 14, 2016 at 6:29 PM UTC

My purpose

September 14th, 2014 I looked at you; As you screamed at me, over a silly permit. So I took a chance and asked you that burning question. "What's more important to you, dad? Me or the alcohol?" All you did was look at me. You looked like you either wanted to **** me, or yourself. That night, I left your stubborn hold. Abandoned everything I knew. Left everything that I loved. I watched the street lights go by, blurred by the tears in my eyes. The radio turned up to try and drown out my sobs. To try and drown out the echo of your voice in my head. You thought I was joking. You thought it was just a teenage phase. Did you know what you were doing? The bruises you were leaving? The things you would call me? Ever since April 27th, 1999... My life was a struggle. You seemed to do everything you could to make it worse. Why didn't you just **** me? Why didn't I just **** me? Little did you know... My life was a struggle. I almost quit. But I am stronger than you will ever be. No punch, No slap, No bruise, No word, Nothing will ever bring me down. Especially not my own father. Now thanks to you, People can depend on me, I can depend on me. Because my purpose... Is to live.

37

Too many lies have touched my ears for 17 years of life. "I'm busy." "I'll be there in five minutes." Sure some lies are normal. "You're beautiful." "You're so funny." But next time, "You're an amazing artist." "You're so smart!" Could you please "I love spending time with you." "You're a great person." Just tell me the truth? "I'll never leave you." "I love you."

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Jul 6, 2016

Jul 6, 2016 at 9:06 PM UTC

Lies

Too many lies have touched my ears for 17 years of life. "I'm busy." "I'll be there in five minutes." Sure some lies are normal. "You're beautiful." "You're so funny." But next time, "You're an amazing artist." "You're so smart!" Could you please "I love spending time with you." "You're a great person." Just tell me the truth? "I'll never leave you." "I love you."

15

Just here on the verge of tears. Wondering when it'll go away. If it'll ever go away. I don't need it. I want it. Will I survive? Probably. Do I want to? That's a different story.

0

Apr 19, 2016

Apr 19, 2016 at 7:53 PM UTC

Storytime

Just here on the verge of tears. Wondering when it'll go away. If it'll ever go away. I don't need it. I want it. Will I survive? Probably. Do I want to? That's a different story.

9