I live in perpetual circumstances of fear, guided by the palpitation in my heart and the heaviness of my breath
It’s as if the whole world exists around me and within me, as if I am separate and yet anxiously connected
I wish I could call it beautiful
there is so much beauty in the world, yet I hold hands with the ugly
I am held by the tentative and cradled by the impermanent
my mind is a filing cabinet of negative possibilities and tragic happenings,
tucked away in the abyss
there is so much to see and yet my sight is clouded
so much to learn and yet my judgment is tainted
it’s like I am walking with fractures, and no one can see the casts wrapped around my ankles
all I want is to feel like my limbs are healing themselves, my heart is relearning how to pulse love through my veins, and my lungs are slowly expelling the toxins that have been making it so hard to breathe
but all I feel is my body rejecting health,
choosing to remain uncured
the pain magnifies, my senses weaken
and all that keeps me connected with those around me
is a force that presents myself to the world in such a way that the bruises painted on my skin
appear as a testament to the journey I went through to smile again when indeed I am still being beaten
Aug 31, 2022
Aug 31, 2022 at 3:27 AM UTC
auras swirling, igniting like a chemical reaction
our bodies fill the entire room, yet they stand so far apart
our eyes lock, and there is nothing but the potent sense of remembrance
I almost see myself behind the coppery hues
feeling your skin against mine reminds me of flowing water, sending waves over each other’s inner essence
I long to get closer, to know if it was ever really me that I saw behind your eyes
or if you’ve been choosing to keep your distance because of the way mine stare back at you
Mar 2, 2021
Mar 2, 2021 at 5:35 AM UTC
on an ordinary day,
i would gaze into the mirror and watch sunlight radiate from my skin's inner essence
all the little ridges and curves kissing my spine seemed to have transcended from the stars themselves
and every scar seemed to display my life’s most earth-shattering moments,
moments so powerful that they broke through the rooted filaments of my flesh
i remembered what i have been through and have an overwhelming sense of my own inherent magic.
every day i've ever had that was like this one, you’d see me holding my head up high, with my shoulders ***** and my lungs full of the purest laughter
you'd think of me as the walking embodiment of strength..
and I loved those days, to my core.
but today,
i seem to be looking at a mangled body
bludgeoned by passersby that manipulated their way past the sunlight and the stardust
i see strangers kicking through the door to my infinite touch
and I fear that the sun-kissed glow of strength that my skin habitually lathers itself in, just masks the battered body of a woman whom wishes that she were strong enough to let her scars heal before letting someone else trace over them with blades
Aug 25, 2020
Aug 25, 2020 at 1:01 AM UTC
there is so much shame in my entanglement with you. there is shame in how quickly my ears perk up at your lukewarm remarks. shame in the way i incessantly trace back steps i took to heal myself from your initial scrutiny. shame in the way i bleed for you, whilst you pretend not to notice.
my mind is scattered with hundreds of differing perspectives, flooding my thoughts with plans of escaping you, while still keeping my pride. I refuse to acknowledge how i give you the softness that i need to be giving myself. i think i do this all because you aren't available to receive love from another human being. my ego likes to think your indifference is an attack at my self-worth, but I've seen my mangled toes, and i know the injuries are a direct result of walking down my own unique path of self-sabotage. the pain i seek from you validates the self-hate i hold in my heart. i want to think that your presence in my life is a wake up call, making it abundantly clear the mileage of self-love i need to run before i can ever accept what i deserve. and i deserve way better than you, i know that. i really do. but at the same time, waiting for you to put in the work towards being what i deserve, is something i feel i could wait for forever.
Aug 4, 2020
Aug 4, 2020 at 11:15 PM UTC
the state of mind you trapped me in when you locked me inside my own body, confining me to perceive the natural motions of life as if I’m falling from a twenty-story building and perpetually climbing back up the stairs
I have fallen on this same pavement so many times before that I can mutter every name of its frequent passerby’s, i can mentally trace every skid-mark, every link to your DNA from your musky scent to your bristled hair follicles
How you’ve managed to follow me everywhere I go though I haven’t laid eyes on you in two years,
how those around me sigh with hopeless exhaust when they countlessly attempt to rescue me from another inevitable fall onto the cold concrete,
How you breathe fresh air that holds your feet up from the ground, saving you the trouble of having to empathize with Mother Earth’s raw flesh beneath you
Yet, I am still heaving through corrupted lungs, still swelling the epithelial tissue lining my throat,
still expectorating old memories just to swallow them again and again, each time forcing me to upchuck ****** acid from a place inside of me that implies no medical explanation
I have become so sick and fractured that i can no longer see,
I cannot hear, I cannot speak
But somehow when I touch, all of my delusional senses return as a shadowy figure that resembles the monster of whom I fear most
My vision funnels in, and out
until I feel nothing but the same cold pavement cushioning my bones like a disjunct lullaby
And as my mind melts into a dissociative puddle of nothingness,
I plant my feet on Mother Earth’s raw flesh, and her magnetic waves of energy wrap around my nimble toes, bringing me back to the staircase upward
Nov 11, 2019
Nov 11, 2019 at 10:08 PM UTC
sometimes I wish I wasn’t cursed with this unquenchable thirst for freedom,
I wish I could lye faithful to a moment rather than daydreaming about what it is next my heart and lungs will sink themselves into, without ever really acknowledging their incessant urges for a steady pulse
There are very few moments I’ve held onto and allowed every element to melt into my being,
as if soluble with breathing skin
I wonder which moments are easier to dissolve in,
which burn and which sting
Which submerge you in feeling, in an everlasting ocean of converging electromagnetic fields
And which seem to be happening in another dimension,
one other than of life,
one in which stagnates and inaudibly negates the concept of time,
as if it passes right through,
these moments, i know all too well
and yet, its as if I don’t really know them at all
Aug 19, 2019
Aug 19, 2019 at 9:29 PM UTC
hot blood, red cheeks, burnt lips, and smoke incapacitating my lungs, i heave through the fire in my home
clouded judgement, feelings of hopelessness, i run through my home to find a place where i can feel safe to open my eyes
a place where my lungs are free to experience breath without tentative hesitance, where my senses are in allignment
i search for hydration, for a holistic cleansing of the soul, for a second chance to reclaim this home i have been so careless in
when i finally see myself
my sense of sight funnels in and out
has my skin always looked like this?
who let me destroy my home?
there is nothing to put out the fire
my skin revolts against my bone as my pulse laryngeally stabs me in protest of my reluctance to acknowledge the pain
i am ready to give into the flames, to be a soul of light
to transcend the blazing in my heart, in my veins, in my brainwaves, to go through this life, with open, kindled eyes, a fiery spirit
lungs of feathers
making it obvious that i have scars,
because every aspect of my being,
burns.
Aug 31, 2018
Aug 31, 2018 at 2:09 AM UTC
blue irises bruise my lungs and I’m suffocated by the fact that they have a right to their separateness and have no obligation to exist for me
they were so beautiful that day at the beach and were orchestrated with the sun pouring down onto your cheekbones, illuminating your smile and I just remember feeling so lucky that they shine for me, and only me
it started storming and you held your cotton t-shirt over my head to shield my head from the rain, protecting me from the universe
you looked up at the black sky and I watched you fall in love with the stars and the way they validated your sense of belonging in the universe
the way you held my head in your palms and kissed my damp forehead, blue irises turning black, like the sky, right before you told me goodbye
I look back at that day and think about how strongly I believed that you belonged to me
how the blue effervescence of your eyes, the purple in your veins, the oxygen in your lungs all belonged to
me
how another human being, somehow, was mine to own
but when I felt the pain you left clinging to my soul like a leech, combusting my neuro-pathways, altering my mind like a degenerative psychedelic drug, leaving me battered and worn out
i realized that the only thing I bring into this universe that is mine to keep, that will stay with me until the day I die,
is me
and I don’t know what hurts more
Aug 6, 2018
Aug 6, 2018 at 10:07 AM UTC
i kissed the reflection of my own lips upon glass, and placed my hand gracefully in my hair, grooming and relaxing my restless, scathed body
i grabbed a lock of hair from the mid-section, watching the hundreds of stragglers begin and end their hopeless journey towards the tiled floor, and collected the strands between my fingers to place them in their designated abyss of uselessness
i looked back into the mirror, acknowledging my own image
today, i said
i pulled my heart off the hanger in my closet, grabbed my lungs from the shelf, and retaught my body the process of living
living, i said, you're still living, whether you like it, or not
my eyes became distracted, inverted, and regressing to a time when i couldn't look pain right in the face, and pain couldn't bare to look at me either.
my lips go cold, void of the warmth provided to them by copious amounts of unconditional self-love. my lips curl, my heart palpitates.
i always used to wonder how someone could swear they loved a person so much that it could **** them, and how it could be possible for a feeling so strong, and so real, to abruptly reach extinction, as if it never even existed in the first place
but as i finally had the strength to look pain in the face,
and pain gathered enough might to do so too,
i realized she's the one i kissed today
in fact,
she's the one i've been kissing and inviting in to recieve my love
everyday
Jun 7, 2018
Jun 7, 2018 at 10:32 PM UTC
i held your hand, felt the indentations in your skin, traced along veins and thumbed the bristled hairs on your forearms
i never noticed how soft your skin was by nature,
how you exist numb to the universe around you,
hairs aligning conveniently to guard your irreparable tissue,
eyes hollowing toward your skull, sinking in deeper with every interrupted breath
b r e a t h i n g
you let the air escape your lungs as our hands grasp hold of each other
inhale, exhale,
r e l e a s e
as your hand embraces gravity and lies lifeless and cold,
i was the only one holding us together
how long have you been gone?
it's not my fault
i had to let go
i had to let go
i had to
i had to
i had to
May 16, 2018
May 16, 2018 at 7:17 PM UTC