so long did i ignore
the red flags,
i avoided hearing the music
for what it was.
perhaps,
when you’re deafened by love,
you cant hear the dismal chords.
i couldn’t hear the mismatched notes
over the melody.
through broken-down vibrato,
i learned to love your song.
i listened to you on repeat,
until i memorized its entirety.
when i would listen enough,
i could hear the imperfections.
i heard your words,
i grew to hate the music.
Oct 11, 2021
Oct 11, 2021 at 11:21 AM UTC
what is your love like?
does it smell like cigarettes,
and feel like home?
would your hands fit in mine
perfectly?
does it look like a sunset,
and sound like my favorite song?
is your voice gentle
when you tell me
“i
love
you”
?
my love is intense,
i suffocate.
are
you
ready?
will you leave me
when i become too much?
my love is rotting bodies,
together,
just trying to stay alive.
will you leave
when i become
too much?
Jul 11, 2021
Jul 11, 2021 at 6:36 PM UTC
it has been seven months since my ****
it has been seven months since my ****
every day, it gets worse.
every day and those after, i am once again told,
“it’s your fault”
i know, every day,
that they are not wrong.
it has been seven months since my ****
it has been seven months since my ****
every day and those after,
i lose myself,
more and more.
i’m rotting and
disgusting.
i am lost
and i am scared.
it has been seven months since my ****
it has been seven months since my ****
every day and those after,
i am reminded.
“he felt more anxiety than you ever will,”
she says,
“they left him waiting, thinking his life was over,
for an entire weekend.”
a weekend? ha, amature.
i’ve been knowing.
my life is over, and has been
for seven months.
he got off free,
i got a life sentence.
it has been seven months since my ****
it has been seven months since my ****
be careful- don’t forget!!
he is not a ******
you are not a victim.
he’s just a boy,
in the moment.
you know how they are.
it has been seven months since my ****
it has been seven months since my ****
maybe i’m just lying.
what if i’m wrong?
and i’m just
a product of what has already happened to me?
since it is my fault,
since i still don’t know how to take accountability,
maybe it’s not even real.
it has been seven months since my ****
it has been seven months since my ****
in church, they talk about ****** purity.
am i going to hell for this?
it has been seven months since my ****
it has been seven months since my ****
his hands are still all over me.
all
over
me.
i tried to scrub it all away,
the flesh came off my body.
he still found a way
to write his name
on
my bones.
it has been seven months since my ****
it has been seven months since my ****
i can’t look in the mirror anymore.
it’s never me.
every time i look,
it’s always someone new.
a grotesque figure.
i can’t stand to see myself.
it has been seven months since my ****
it has been seven months since my ****
my face often becomes numb.
i throw my hands under boiling water and still feel
nothing.
seven months.
that’s
212 days,
5088 hours.
i don’t know who i am
anymore.
Dec 16, 2020
Dec 16, 2020 at 11:28 AM UTC
being honest with yourself is that little devil
sitting on your shoulder.
you know it’s not your fault, but that’s so hard
to admit.
you blame yourself to please everyone.
sometimes,
it almost becomes believable.
and you think,
“what if i don’t blame myself?
what would she say?
is it really my fault?”
being honest with yourself is that little devil
sitting on your shoulder.
honest with yourself, meaning
calling yourself a **** for things out of your control.
it’s almost like other people’s opinions matter
more than your own feelings.
honesty isn’t always the best policy.
why couldn’t i have just kept my mouth shut?
Sep 17, 2020
Sep 17, 2020 at 12:56 AM UTC
i hate pedophiles. i don't care what you want to deem yourself as, if you're attracted to a minor of any sort, you're a ******* **** you always will be. don't even try to change it. you're hurting literal children. doesn't even matter if they're a teenager. neither does gender. you are traumatizing a literal child. they'll look back on you and think, "wow. that really changed me, and for the worst."
if you get off to **** you're an awful human being. you are literal **** you like to watch people be hurt like that? maybe it takes an experience like that to change your views. maybe it takes actually being ***** to understand. it changes you forever and leaves so much pain. mentally and physically. the damage cannot be undone, no matter how long it is after. you think i ENJOYED being ignored when i said no? you think ****** assault is just a cute little fetish? **** off. do whatever it takes to never speak to any victims. you'll probably jack off to it later.
when someone tells you their pronouns, do the world a favor and RESPECT that. if this person is trans, don't call them by their dead name. don't call them the opposite pronouns of what they want to be called. it's awful. gender dysphoria eats me alive every ******* day, and you can't take time to even think about how that weighs me down? i want to **** myself on a regular basis because i just don't feel right anymore. my binder doesn't even help sometimes. i look at myself and i know i'm just wrong. wrong body. wrong EVERYTHING. i don't like getting made fun of. being trans/non-binary/whatever you are isn't some cute little trend or a choice.
stop fetishizing trans men. and trans women too! trans MEN (key word, MEN) aren't some cute little uwu soft boys. we aren't something you can just play with. trans women aren't "sissies" and most certainly are not trans just for your pleasure. as a trans man, i know how it feels to be fetishized. i am a man.
you can't just make someone "not trans". calling them their dead name/dead pronouns to change anything. nothing will change the absolute torment they experience on a daily basis. as bad as it sounds, we can't help but suffer. gender dysphoria is a curse. understand that.
i'm 15. i'm a trans male. i'm not your toy.
Sep 8, 2020
Sep 8, 2020 at 5:37 AM UTC
all i know is noise.
i surround myself with it,
constantly.
sometimes i…
write songs;
listen to music.
leave my games on the title screen for hours
so i’m not left
in silence.
but,
on rare occasion,
it gets to be
too much.
at first, all was well.
i was reminded of mozart’s fugue, (in d, if you must know).
i loved the way everything
built up,
the way it
blended in.
i was transported to the orchestra- my home.
i feel:
content.
happy.
overwhelmed- but only in the best way.
all quickly vanished.
soon, the arms of anxiety began to wrap around me,
suffocating me in its tight embrace.
and don’t say i won’t remember, because
i do.
i remember…
the strawberry puff bar
my first time sneaking out
his car
his voice tone
i remember
everything
i couldn’t begin to tell you why a simple song could bring up such intense emotion,
because i don’t know where i’d start.
perhaps, it was the growing anticipation.
the suspense.
i couldn’t wait for the song to be over,
just like that night.
i stopped breathing, everything paused.
nothing is real
anymore.
Sep 8, 2020
Sep 8, 2020 at 5:35 AM UTC
hi, i'm currently suffering from the worst case of writer's block i've ever experienced. i have no motivation right now, but when i do, i'll be sure to post :)
Jun 21, 2020
Jun 21, 2020 at 1:07 AM UTC
depression.
i feel the arms of darkness slowly wrapping around me, suffocating me with each tight squeeze.
depression.
i can't sleep, and no, i won't count sheep. because i can't.
but what i can count,
is all the reasons i don't want to be here.
i can't sleep, but for some reason,
that's the only thing keeping me alive.
May 23, 2020
May 23, 2020 at 2:49 AM UTC
i miss your gentle kiss, but lately
i've been kissing pill bottles more.
May 17, 2020
May 17, 2020 at 1:26 AM UTC
i told you i was busy
and i WAS busy, just in a way you would never understand
busy trying to convince myself it would all be okay, when in reality,
it wouldn't
i told you i was busy, you said
"yeah,
right"
busy talking to you, while the arms of depression squeezed me into its tight hug,
enveloping me in darkness that i can never escape.
i told you i was busy
and you thought
i lied
May 16, 2020
May 16, 2020 at 1:23 AM UTC