I still can't sleep
I've piled up pillows and blankets
And am now resting upright
Against a large pile of soft things.
I have written about my grief
Now that has been addressed
But there is another feeling
That has been draining my capacitors.
I feel a lot of love
I feel love immensely.
I feel love for every living thing that has ever existed
And I am grateful to each thing
For enriching my life
And contributing to the amazing thing
That is me.
I can barely contain my love
I want to declare my love
On every mountain
Every minute of every day
It's too much
I know lots of people who I love
Who don't like to know that I love them
And that hurts
But it's okay
Because really
All I want
Is for each thing that I love
To have something good
That makes their lives fuller
That would be the most perfect gift to me.
Mar 3, 2019
Mar 3, 2019 at 5:11 AM UTC
I am having difficulty sleeping.
I have an upset tummy
And there is some emotional turmoil in my head.
I wish you all very nice dreams and
Cuddles with your loved ones
I want you to have something good
That makes your life fuller.
I always feel so much.
I am always feeling
And I can't deal with it all at once.
So I put up barriers in my mind
To block those feelings off
And let me deal with them later.
Those barriers used to be a lot sturdier
But since some events in September of 2017
They have been very easy to break down.
That is how I want it.
Mostly I am feeling grief.
I grieve a lot of things
I grieve every loss
Every grievance
That has ever left someone with less
That has ever left someone with hurt
I have been told not to grieve so much
For things that are not in my life.
For things that are out of my control
But I cannot stop feeling.
I don't want to stop feeling
And I grieve all these things because
They leave me with less
And they leave me with hurt.
Mar 3, 2019
Mar 3, 2019 at 5:02 AM UTC
I don't know if anyone
will ever know
how much I care about them
no matter who it is
nobody knows why I care
why I want them to care
about each other
and I don't know why they can't
I care because I can't not
it is a matter of life and death
I hope you don't find out
I don't know if you would survive it
Oct 12, 2017
Oct 12, 2017 at 5:02 AM UTC
I looked up and saw someone
and she pointed at something in the distance.
I couldn't peel my eyes off of her.
I pulled on her hand
but she only pointed.
So I looked
and now I want to stand
but I need a little help.
Sep 17, 2017
Sep 17, 2017 at 6:14 PM UTC
I want to tell you about my day
the feelings that hurt me so bad
until I finally sorted them out.
But the more I tell you
the more it will hurt when you reject me
for whatever reason
because you will be rejecting everything I have confided in you.
So I want to start by telling you
that I want to be closer to you
I want you to be able to confide in me.
I want to know what you care about
I want to know how I can help when you are having anxiety
I want to know you before I tell you about my day.
Sep 15, 2017
Sep 15, 2017 at 8:17 PM UTC
everything is covered with thorns
nothing is good
that is what I see
what changed?
now that my last delusion is being torn from me
do I see it clearer,
or is it painted with my despair?
which is right?
when does it end?
Sep 13, 2017
Sep 13, 2017 at 2:29 PM UTC
I think I have come up with a solution
to the dilemma I described in another recent poem.
It is a path I always knew was available to me
but I did not know how to start upon it.
I am happy that it has remained open.
What is knowledge if it is not acted upon?
I will now reveal my most painful thought,
the burden I have been ******** about,
because we need to do something about it.
not just sit idly by as it destroys everything we know.
My secret is a spoiler.
The spoiler.
The ultimate spoiler.
The end of the universe.
"the heat death of the universe"
google it, and see.
This is really hard for me, saying this,
especially knowing that someone really cool may read it
and suffer as I have.
Please don't let it get you down.
although, I'm sure you won't.
But I have written so much already
and I haven't given what the title has promised.
The Solution is to construct a foundation
upon which future generations
of scientists,
inventors,
innovators,
and all of humankind
can build upon
so as to not only avert this terrible disaster
but to delve ever deeper into the vast reality we are born to
Dec 14, 2015
Dec 14, 2015 at 3:07 PM UTC
I know a few things about pain.
Sticks and stones, you know that one,
you know what else hurts?
Being powerless.
Being at the mercy of someone you don't know.
Having a complete stranger put you in a situation
that you can't deal with
that you can't do anything to stop
that all you can do is to pick up the pieces.
To be a victim.
What you don't know can't **** you.
At least, in this case, it can't.
There is something that I know
that I know you don't know
(I hope you don't know)
because knowing this thing that I know
is killing me.
That hurts, but what hurts more
is being separated from everybody by knowing
because you don't want anybody else to feel this pain
and you know there is no escape from this burden anymore
but you hope that there is
but the burden reminds you
(I have to omit this line, or I will be giving you the burden to carry)
****
(I am using this website to show you I feel)
(because knowing that you know how I feel is a comfort)
(I am only human after all)
Dec 14, 2015
Dec 14, 2015 at 3:30 AM UTC
Thank you for following me.
Now I will use you as a target
At which I will violently throw my worst feelings.
I am at a crossroads
Every minute of every day I am at a crossroads
and I see that
(most of the time, I sometimes forget)
but today I am at a crossroads of particular significance.
Today's crossroads branch in a million different ways:
Half of them lead to my death
One of them leads to a great life
And one of them maintains status quo.
Some of the ones that lead to my death involve helping one life now:
my girlfriend, a shy, naive girl who lives the normal life
the life of normality
and status quo
and cattle
Others involve remaining in the dark corners of my house.
I find it hard to be alone
because I cannot see the light of life on my own
and I never share that with anyone, because. . .
I don't know.
I have found that knowing hurts sometimes,
but I can bear pain.
I am of it.
The path that can lead me to a great life is unclear.
It might involve me burying what I know
so that I may spare others the pain.
I dream of having a niece or nephew,
but I see the narcissism and selfishness of that,
and I will explore that in detail later.
The path that stays on track,
the status quo,
is the one I truly fear.
It involves staying at home for a while,
working a day job
and hating every second of it
waiting for an opportunity to present itself
for me to get out of this horrible horrible place.
I think normality is the worst hell.
I think that in making this poem,
I have started on one path
and I will start another path
when I write another poem.
Is this poetry?
What is poetry?
I am going to stop this right here because this train of thought
leads to darker places than you can imagine.
Thank you, The Demons Within,
for being my unwilling, unwitting target
Dec 14, 2015
Dec 14, 2015 at 3:07 AM UTC
I live on the world.
Wide.
Web.
There is no place like it.
Truly.
Everything you could ever need is right.
There.
And it is so much.
Fun.
Feb 21, 2015
Feb 21, 2015 at 2:17 PM UTC