*first it's the shock
you can't even believe it.
then comes the anger
oh god the burning you'll feel inside.
you hate him and hate him and curse him
for every single happy memory
he gave you.
then the despair comes
you're awake endless hours of the night,
and you hate yourself and hate yourself and curse yourself
for allowing yourself to fall in love
with his demonic smile
and unhallowed laugh.
you cry your eyes red
your sadness takes on a physical form.
you don't eat.
you don't sleep.
you feel no compelling reason to be
alive.
the longer it was, the longer this lasts
and every time you think you're getting better,
you spiral down the drain again and
suffocate in your own grief.
you cut your skin and
your veins are trying to accommodate
all the alcohol diffusing into your blood.
you scream at the top of your lungs
you believe you are going insane
and the only thought haunting you
for the rest of your days is
*"why wasn't i good enough?"
(e.s 'november fifteenth')
Jan 13, 2016
Jan 13, 2016 at 7:03 PM UTC
11:11pm- i'm making a wish right now. i wish he loved me.
11:12pm- i wasted another one, he's never going to love me again so what's the point?
11:42pm- i can't stop thinking about him. i replay his laugh in my head.
12:16am- i wish i just told him. i had the chance right in my grasp. next time.
1:37am- i can't sleep. i want to call him. it's never really over, is it? i still have a chance...he could still come back.
2:03am- i have made a mistake. my breath reeks of ***** when i call you and you can probably smell my drunkenness.
3:16am- i called you three times. you didn't answer. i wasn't expecting you to. remember when you used to answer all my three a.m. calls? i do.
5:52am- i feel faint. i think i'm going to pass out. i can't breathe. i stepped on the broken glass of the beer bottles i smashed on the floor after trying to drown you in them.
2:26pm- i just woke up. my head is pounding and there is dried blood on my feet and knees where i collapsed in your memory.
7:00pm- you should be coming home from work right now. i still set you a place at the table of our small studio apartment.
8:47pm- you never came home.
9:15pm- i wonder what you're doing right now..do you miss me?
11:11pm- i wish he loved me.
(e.s. "24 hours")
Jan 8, 2016
Jan 8, 2016 at 7:52 PM UTC