I'm writing this now as I don't think I can continue much longer.
All the things that made me happy growing up are becoming pinpoint memories, stabbing at the feeling my life has become meaningless.
I remember my sixth, or seventh birthday.
When all my six or seven year old friends came over to play at one of the only non-million dollar houses Kirkland Washington had left.
I had a Thomas the Engine Tanker cake and we took the Oreo wheels and threw them around and over trees.
My next door neighbor was my best friend and we would always have something fun to do.
I remember accidently stepping on my grandfather's new shoes and leaving a smudge on his new shoes.
So he thought it was fair to pick me up by foot and spank me while I dangle from his grip.
He's dead now, and I could care less as I was never allowed alone around him after that.
I remember the first time I decided school wasn't worth it.
I was given a choice to join honors in fifth grade but turned it down as i was told the extra homework would interfere with my precious video games.
I don't even remember what games I played back then.
Roller Coaster Tycoon and Age of Empires Two I suppose.
At that time I wasn't thinking about my future or what I should grow up and become.
I miss high school and I wish I could live it on repeat.
Back when I was wild, free and possibly ADHD, I still don't know if that is a real thing.
I remember band class, everyone would always expect me to harass the teacher or make an idiot of myself for a joke.
And I didn't care if I looked like an idiot.
I obviously didn't care if I was the idiot as my grades were always poor but never shackled me down in stress.
Only my parents did that.
I remember Giles Stanton, my Senior English teacher, who looked at me with mild boredom and said, "The real world will eat you alive."
That still haunts me to do this day as I always thought he was the coolest teacher there.
But it was just a joke, I shouldn't get butthurt.
At that time I wasn't thinking about my future or what I should grow up and become.
I remember going to community college and it all changed.
My careless, free spirited attitude was no longer praised or loved but rather chastised and questioned.
For I was at college and it was time to act like an adult.
But I still loved it, studying music theory and playing music.
Excited as I was about to start working on my first album.
The dreams of being a rockstar, or maybe just a folkstar were in my brain and I couldn't give them up.
All I cared about was music and video games.
All other general education classes couldn't hold my attention, even after the third time I took them I couldn't pass.
After two years and my first two attempts on my life I went to go see a therapist.
It was the usual for most people my age, some form of ADD and depression.
I was going to do it with a pen, push it deep into my throat and drag it across my neck.
A pen was all I could find.
At that time I wasn't thinking about my future, only that I wanted to make music and nothing else.
After sometime I went back to college and everything was different.
My brain was slightly comatose on Zoloft and some sort of ADHD med.
I could concentrate, but the harder I did, the more it came into being that I was no longer me anymore.
Some bag of bones carrying around a dying child inside.
I was tamed.
My only release was music, which I guess had gotten better now that my mind could focus even more.
I still never got my two year degree.
Only student loans.
With all those meds I still couldn't finish school.
I wasn't thinking about my future, only that I wanted to be a musician and thought I had a real chance.
And now I live with roommates in Seattle.
Breaking my back lifting boxes at UPS while trying to figure out my second job.
Probably only to need a third job.
All I do while I work is day dream about when I was younger and still had a chance to attack life and own it.
Now I merely walk through it with an open wound that I'm scrambling to sew shut.
I'm thinking about my future now, and I honestly can't say that I'll have one for much longer.
May 13, 2015
May 13, 2015 at 8:10 PM UTC
Heavens bow down, Mother Nature's come 'round
To give up her crown to the beauty I've found
Walked out alone, to find my own way
Came across you and I knew should stay
Eyes like a spark, you took my own heart
Replaced it with love, The grew right at the start
And I wish I could see my Danish girl
But she on the other side of the world
I wish I could love my Danish girl
Hopeless romantic yet you keep me around
Up in the clouds yet you pull me down
Turn my sorrow into a pretty song
Something I listen to all day long
And Love doesn't know distance
It only makes it that much worse
Apr 2, 2015
Apr 2, 2015 at 1:57 PM UTC
All you want to listen to is "happy music"
Its making me sick
Like an echoing cadence of grandiose sunshine infiltrating my soul
Can you play some Slayer?
Do you even have an ember
of anger that savors your desires for something more
Break down the barriers and make it Rain Blood
I want to see your smile turn evil in a rotation of your
brows that marquee your plastic, practiced face
Can you play some Elliott Smith?
Bleed the truth and don't hide it
The longing for fairness in a world you can't control
I'll keep them still, yet still
you hide behind this mask that you think no one can penetrate
I want you to call for what is just
yet you just
listen to **** like Katy Perry
Her mindless jingles bounces off the wall
Like natural **** distracting yet they hold nothing for you
I'm glad you're happy
But I need something genuine
If I can't know the real you
How can I be your friend?
Feb 17, 2015
Feb 17, 2015 at 1:48 AM UTC
On my own
I venture out
On to the world of my own doubt
World of wonder
That I will know
When I figure it all out
I am what I am
I'll except that now
Playing with a broken hand
I'll make it work somehow
Clearing mountains
Waterfalls
I try to keep up my own pace
Running down
Seattle hills
Just to feel the wind on my face
I am what I am
I'll except that now
Playing with a broken hand
I'll make it work somehow
And don't you leave me alone,
I'm here
The vultures come in like crows
And disappear
They feed off my heart
And my fear
But I'll stay strong
I'll remain so strong
Feb 14, 2015
Feb 14, 2015 at 2:07 PM UTC
I constantly dream about you
When I'm awake I can control myself
It's as if my mind's sub-conscience
Knows to strike when I'm at my weakest
I traveled the world on the back of a Spartan hover car
I traversed icy mountains with leather backed baloths
Renee was trying to get us to meet together
I think what has happened also hurt her
I found you in a city where they sprayed painted
bricks on the wall of an unfinished Big Ben
My heart knew what was coming and my
brain could only wait for when
The sunlight glared off my glasses
When I swear I could see you
Abra called my name and told me I had
to go somewhere else
So we submerged under the ice
In the submarine Northern Lights
I was learning about the magic of fireworks
When a struck our core and the hull did burst
Floating around a whale swallowed me hole
I walked down its throat in a room so cold
And I saw you there with open arms
Waved away fears and all alarms
Until I woke up to a boring world
Bed was stale and air was cold
Realizing only when I sleep is when
I'll ever be able to see you again
Feb 14, 2015
Feb 14, 2015 at 1:44 PM UTC
Soon, I'll make it stop
Soon I'll make it all stop
Jan 31, 2015
Jan 31, 2015 at 2:21 AM UTC
When I opened the door and saw you for the first time
My heart kept me from being able to speak
My love kept me quiet, but do not doubt it
Its there
When I finally collected the words
I was still afraid to speak them
Afraid to make you think I was some kind of
Highway thief. There to steal your most intimate affair
You welcomed me into your bedroom
Unsure of where it might lead
But all I wanted was to make sure you felt loved
Not the embrace of a selfish lover
Who comes to you opening the door without knocking
Who expects his cup to be filled without asking
He knows nothing of love, only of possession
You were so inviting
Your mind is so beautiful
Your eyes represent your soul in their beauty
You lips are soft yet
Your smile is so strong
Just like your passion for creativity and life it's self
Whether it's your life or others
I just want you to feel respected
I just want you to feel loved
Jan 30, 2015
Jan 30, 2015 at 4:45 AM UTC
Everyone has all gone, I'm left
On my own I guess
She has found someone new
That makes her smile shine on through
I never thought I'd be good enough
To make this song last so long
I'm stuck pretending that I'm mature enough
To take all of this on
Constant breathing paranoia
Stuck inside my 'magination
I tried to build my castle up strong
But I ****** it up and made it all wrong
My head is buried in my hands
I want to travel to distant lands
Just to see if you would follow me there
So I can finally know that you care
You told me to be quiet
Don't tell anyone our secret
But I can barely hold it in
I feel like I could trip and
Than you wont want me around
You wont want me around
Jan 28, 2015
Jan 28, 2015 at 5:36 PM UTC
My organs are at war
My heart is left bleeding
As my brain continues punishing it
And my stomach is left sick in the rubble
Lets play the game
Like every morning
A sort of Russian roulette
Between me and me
My brain brings up painful reminders
To my heart which is soon to surrender
It tries to keep fighting
Which only makes me weak
I can't keep this going
Never ending feeling of impending doom
Sorrow on replay
Jan 28, 2015
Jan 28, 2015 at 5:08 PM UTC
I had a dream we were stuck in the desert
A beautiful oasis forming at the basis of our feet
When a group of soldiers came right out of the mirage
Shot you down
And left me to die
Right by your side
Then I realized that I would join you there soon
Either under the eyes of the Saharan Sun
Or by the gift given from the trigger of my gun
I had to make a choice, one I could no longer live with
I'm tired of staring down
This barrel
Waiting for
The bullet to make its move
You came to me like an astronaut
Unafraid while others ran away
From my ship hidden among
All the forgotten and unwanted
You talked to me like you understood me
Like you knew me or saw right through me
You made me feel like I could be apart of
What I always wanted
You made me feel like a human being
It felt so real when I had to close your eyes
Couldn't keep pretending that you were still alive
With shaky hands, I pointed the barrel at my mind
And just sat there
Thinking twice
All about taking my life
Just sat there
Unable to move
Pulled real hard
Only to
Wake up in my own bed
It still felt like you were dead
https://spencercarlson.bandcamp.com/track/saharan-sun
Jan 27, 2015
Jan 27, 2015 at 9:55 PM UTC