sorin-l-javerin - Hello Poetry

Humanity is your ability to feel, It's you're ability to think. To experience love, To live for someone else. It's one's ability to feel empathy, To experience a myriad of emotions. That it what it is to be Human. But what about me? I don't feel happy, I don't feel empathy. I've forgotten the warmth of love. I survive for myself. My happiness left with my family. My love left with a divorce. My empathy left with the first shot. Am I still Human? Can i still be Human If all I can feel is hatred. Can I still be Human If all I have is anger. Can I still be Human if I only experience is pain. With all that I have become, Am I still considered Human?

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Mar 5, 2023

Mar 5, 2023 at 8:30 PM UTC

Be Human

Humanity is your ability to feel, It's you're ability to think. To experience love, To live for someone else. It's one's ability to feel empathy, To experience a myriad of emotions. That it what it is to be Human. But what about me? I don't feel happy, I don't feel empathy. I've forgotten the warmth of love. I survive for myself. My happiness left with my family. My love left with a divorce. My empathy left with the first shot. Am I still Human? Can i still be Human If all I can feel is hatred. Can I still be Human If all I have is anger. Can I still be Human if I only experience is pain. With all that I have become, Am I still considered Human?

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They say it isn't my fault. They say I'm not to blame. They say I did all I could. They say I'm... A hero... They say I fought for freedom. They say I fought for what was right. They say I gave more than enough, They say I DID more than enough. How do they know? What could they know? How dare they say I gave ENOUGH! HOW DARE THEY SAY I DID ENOUGH! I'M STILL ALIVE! I'M STILL BREATHING! I'M NOT A HERO! I'm... not... I could have saved someone... I could've taken that shot... I SHOULD HAVE saved someone. I SHOULD HAVE taken that shot. It should've been me... Why couldn't it be me... I failed them... I failed everyone. I didn't see enough. I didn't do enough. I didn't **** enough. No... I wasn't enough... I wasn't enough of a Marine. I wasn't enough of a husband. I'm not enough of a father. I'm no longer human enough. Can I be enough for once? Can I be strong enough? Happy enough? Loved enough... Someone... Anyone... I don't want to be abandoned again... Ah... thats right... There's not enough of me left. No... there wasn't enough to start. There could never be enough, Because I started with nothing. I could never be strong enough, Since the foundation wasn't enough. I thought I was enough... But there isn't even enough For me to dream... I was never... enough...

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Mar 3, 2023

Mar 3, 2023 at 9:35 AM UTC

Never. Enough.

They say it isn't my fault. They say I'm not to blame. They say I did all I could. They say I'm... A hero... They say I fought for freedom. They say I fought for what was right. They say I gave more than enough, They say I DID more than enough. How do they know? What could they know? How dare they say I gave ENOUGH! HOW DARE THEY SAY I DID ENOUGH! I'M STILL ALIVE! I'M STILL BREATHING! I'M NOT A HERO! I'm... not... I could have saved someone... I could've taken that shot... I SHOULD HAVE saved someone. I SHOULD HAVE taken that shot. It should've been me... Why couldn't it be me... I failed them... I failed everyone. I didn't see enough. I didn't do enough. I didn't **** enough. No... I wasn't enough... I wasn't enough of a Marine. I wasn't enough of a husband. I'm not enough of a father. I'm no longer human enough. Can I be enough for once? Can I be strong enough? Happy enough? Loved enough... Someone... Anyone... I don't want to be abandoned again... Ah... thats right... There's not enough of me left. No... there wasn't enough to start. There could never be enough, Because I started with nothing. I could never be strong enough, Since the foundation wasn't enough. I thought I was enough... But there isn't even enough For me to dream... I was never... enough...

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I left to defend our home, I left to defend what was right, But when I came back, I was broken and you knew. You saw the fires of passion, The light of my desires, The warmth of my smile. Yet when I came back they were gone. You knew that what I'd seen, What I had done In those rolling hills of sand and rock Broke me, and yet you did nothing. I gave my heart and soul to you, You gave me a child with it. But now I don't know. Whether it was mine or not. You were my home, Yet when I came back You turned around and closed the door. Now I look through a window. And watch as my daughter Doesn't even recognize me. She's afraid of me And I don't know why. And that. That is what leaves me shattered. It makes all those horrors come alive. Everything I thought I had left behind. I don't see myself in the mirror, I see what I was, I see all the people whose lives Ended with the reflection in my eyes. I see my brother's and my sisters, Not by blood but by Creed, I see the innocents that caught Between us and those against us. And I can see the pity in their eyes. Now I know who really got lucky, It wasn't me but them. For they don't have any worries. They left those for the ones who survived, They cried as they left us, I cried because I couldn't save them, And now I cry because no one can save me. My resolve becomes thinner each day, I stopped myself once, But my time is near. I will join you soon. For there is nothing left for me here. No loved ones left. No one who would chase away my demons. No one to anchor me. This is no longer my home. But I'll be there soon... I loved you more than you know. This will be my goodbye... One day.

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Mar 16, 2021

Mar 16, 2021 at 10:22 PM UTC

Broken

I left to defend our home, I left to defend what was right, But when I came back, I was broken and you knew. You saw the fires of passion, The light of my desires, The warmth of my smile. Yet when I came back they were gone. You knew that what I'd seen, What I had done In those rolling hills of sand and rock Broke me, and yet you did nothing. I gave my heart and soul to you, You gave me a child with it. But now I don't know. Whether it was mine or not. You were my home, Yet when I came back You turned around and closed the door. Now I look through a window. And watch as my daughter Doesn't even recognize me. She's afraid of me And I don't know why. And that. That is what leaves me shattered. It makes all those horrors come alive. Everything I thought I had left behind. I don't see myself in the mirror, I see what I was, I see all the people whose lives Ended with the reflection in my eyes. I see my brother's and my sisters, Not by blood but by Creed, I see the innocents that caught Between us and those against us. And I can see the pity in their eyes. Now I know who really got lucky, It wasn't me but them. For they don't have any worries. They left those for the ones who survived, They cried as they left us, I cried because I couldn't save them, And now I cry because no one can save me. My resolve becomes thinner each day, I stopped myself once, But my time is near. I will join you soon. For there is nothing left for me here. No loved ones left. No one who would chase away my demons. No one to anchor me. This is no longer my home. But I'll be there soon... I loved you more than you know. This will be my goodbye... One day.

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Wind howling in my ears, Sand slicing, biting, through my skin, The faces plaguing my dreams of fear. Their mouths all in a maniacal grin. Pain flashing; arm burning; Tumbling through the air. An arm falling in my lap, It's not mine but his. My friend. My driver. The back I promised to watch. The family man I know him to be. No dont look at me that way! Stop... please... It's not my fault I survived. It's not my fault you died. No dont leave... please... You're all I have left, You're my last memory of him. Stay... please... The cracking of barrels, Whizzing of bullets, I'm sorry I have to go. My other brothers need me. You're eyes are already dead, You're blood has run cold. But they aren't gone yet, Their blood is still warm. A shot runs through my shoulder, Strange voices coming from everywhere, One saying to get back, Another saying it's happening again... What's happening? What do you mean again? Head hurting, splitting, painful. Everything around me is fading... No dont leave... please... This is all I have left of them... My friends who fell, My brothers by creed not blood. White lights, white clothe. Strange voices speaking strange words. A man in blue and white, Red spatters of blood on his shirt. It makes sense, For now I see, I was rescued. One out of four. I'm alive... I survived... It should've been them. Why couldn't it have been them.

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Apr 23, 2020

Apr 23, 2020 at 12:11 AM UTC

Never truly back.

Wind howling in my ears, Sand slicing, biting, through my skin, The faces plaguing my dreams of fear. Their mouths all in a maniacal grin. Pain flashing; arm burning; Tumbling through the air. An arm falling in my lap, It's not mine but his. My friend. My driver. The back I promised to watch. The family man I know him to be. No dont look at me that way! Stop... please... It's not my fault I survived. It's not my fault you died. No dont leave... please... You're all I have left, You're my last memory of him. Stay... please... The cracking of barrels, Whizzing of bullets, I'm sorry I have to go. My other brothers need me. You're eyes are already dead, You're blood has run cold. But they aren't gone yet, Their blood is still warm. A shot runs through my shoulder, Strange voices coming from everywhere, One saying to get back, Another saying it's happening again... What's happening? What do you mean again? Head hurting, splitting, painful. Everything around me is fading... No dont leave... please... This is all I have left of them... My friends who fell, My brothers by creed not blood. White lights, white clothe. Strange voices speaking strange words. A man in blue and white, Red spatters of blood on his shirt. It makes sense, For now I see, I was rescued. One out of four. I'm alive... I survived... It should've been them. Why couldn't it have been them.

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Voices Voices Voices Constantly speaking, Raging Whispering Talking? Why won't they be QUIET, silence... Speaking; chatting; voices Voices Voices I can hear them in my head. They speak louder at night, All I want is sleep in my bed. The sound in my head is like a bite. No not sound. Voices Voices Voices. No sleep for me, No sleep for them. So why do they speak faster, While my mind slinks slower. Wait... silence... At last... The voices begin to sleep Yet my mind is awake. Thinking, guessing, hurting. My eyes are heavy while my head is light. The voices. They talk again. Simple, easing, slow. Their words flow like honey. Sweet and savory, Whispering truths of the past... Or are they my living lies. My eyes do not know. For they drop to darkness, Ending the voices noise From the fore and bringing The sweet darkness of dark sleep.

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Apr 22, 2020

Apr 22, 2020 at 3:08 AM UTC

Sleepless

Voices Voices Voices Constantly speaking, Raging Whispering Talking? Why won't they be QUIET, silence... Speaking; chatting; voices Voices Voices I can hear them in my head. They speak louder at night, All I want is sleep in my bed. The sound in my head is like a bite. No not sound. Voices Voices Voices. No sleep for me, No sleep for them. So why do they speak faster, While my mind slinks slower. Wait... silence... At last... The voices begin to sleep Yet my mind is awake. Thinking, guessing, hurting. My eyes are heavy while my head is light. The voices. They talk again. Simple, easing, slow. Their words flow like honey. Sweet and savory, Whispering truths of the past... Or are they my living lies. My eyes do not know. For they drop to darkness, Ending the voices noise From the fore and bringing The sweet darkness of dark sleep.

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Sleep... How wonderful your call, Yet for me you do not ring, For what reason do you stall? Why can't I hear you sing? My eyes are heavy yet not, My body cold and numb, My bed is soft unlike that cot, Why dou you not come... Sleep... Sleep.... Sleep.... Not for me.... Why cant I just dream Of the worlds I cannot see, The ones just beyond the seam. My body fight beyond it's brink, Pushing against what it needs, The sleep I wish to sink, The relief that only sleep breeds. Then why must my thoughts slip Back towards the words i said, Words said as a quip, Words that anger did wed. Why must I think always think... Think think think... What good comes from the brink? What thoughts are drowned in a sink? I do not now.... But for now... Sleep has finally called me, But the only button I have Is the red button of tonight, And now the dark consumes all...

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Oct 8, 2018

Oct 8, 2018 at 3:02 AM UTC

Sleepless Thoughts

Sleep... How wonderful your call, Yet for me you do not ring, For what reason do you stall? Why can't I hear you sing? My eyes are heavy yet not, My body cold and numb, My bed is soft unlike that cot, Why dou you not come... Sleep... Sleep.... Sleep.... Not for me.... Why cant I just dream Of the worlds I cannot see, The ones just beyond the seam. My body fight beyond it's brink, Pushing against what it needs, The sleep I wish to sink, The relief that only sleep breeds. Then why must my thoughts slip Back towards the words i said, Words said as a quip, Words that anger did wed. Why must I think always think... Think think think... What good comes from the brink? What thoughts are drowned in a sink? I do not now.... But for now... Sleep has finally called me, But the only button I have Is the red button of tonight, And now the dark consumes all...

34

To those who look in the mirror And see a beautiful person And those that look in the mirror But see nothing. It matters not what cold gray world We all may live on Or a world of vibrant green and gold It is our world. Soak what gray you most in blood. Whether it be black blood of hate Blue blood of envy Green blood of greed Purple blood of lust Or the crimson of life. Take this world in your hands And cradle whats here. There is someone who understands. Someone with your taste. Take the leg broken amd trode upon And pick yourself up. Prove that the strongest people See nothing in the mirror. Show that the empty mirror Only shows whats important to you. Those that see a beautiful person... Show them that hate Hate is the best motivator The best for success. The best for a great life. For hate is a driving force Behind the bullet that is you. Fired feom the mouth of that Beauty seeking mirror looker. Take beauty from your surroundings As well as within yourself. Only then will you finally see Something in your mirror. And what you'll see wont be beauty But success. Seen or unseen, It matters not to the strong. Because the mirror isn't real. You made it because they did. Destroy ot like you did their words. Use that broken leg to stand tall. Taller than anyone. But always remember where you come from. Stay humble no matter where life leads. For if you don't Your reflection will change. And so will your leg.

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Apr 10, 2018

Apr 10, 2018 at 4:10 PM UTC

Hardship?

To those who look in the mirror And see a beautiful person And those that look in the mirror But see nothing. It matters not what cold gray world We all may live on Or a world of vibrant green and gold It is our world. Soak what gray you most in blood. Whether it be black blood of hate Blue blood of envy Green blood of greed Purple blood of lust Or the crimson of life. Take this world in your hands And cradle whats here. There is someone who understands. Someone with your taste. Take the leg broken amd trode upon And pick yourself up. Prove that the strongest people See nothing in the mirror. Show that the empty mirror Only shows whats important to you. Those that see a beautiful person... Show them that hate Hate is the best motivator The best for success. The best for a great life. For hate is a driving force Behind the bullet that is you. Fired feom the mouth of that Beauty seeking mirror looker. Take beauty from your surroundings As well as within yourself. Only then will you finally see Something in your mirror. And what you'll see wont be beauty But success. Seen or unseen, It matters not to the strong. Because the mirror isn't real. You made it because they did. Destroy ot like you did their words. Use that broken leg to stand tall. Taller than anyone. But always remember where you come from. Stay humble no matter where life leads. For if you don't Your reflection will change. And so will your leg.

51

It's not common of me to be late, It's not something for which I strive, Day in and day out you sit out front and wait, You wait to see if I'm late so you may wake the hive. The hive of insults and jeers, Just to make me look inadequate, You amp it up inside just for the cheers, the cheers of all inside who want me to quit. It's not something I want, All this hate because of a mistake, With my head hung low as you flaunt The fire you brought to me tied at the stake. Enjoy yourself for now because soon that fire will be mine. And when its mine you'll wonder how You became the first burning in line. The fires of my rage burn brighter and brighter while your darkness grows dimmer. The day is coming for me to be free, And a glorious revenge I WILL TAKE.

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Oct 4, 2017

Oct 4, 2017 at 9:47 PM UTC

It's not common

It's not common of me to be late, It's not something for which I strive, Day in and day out you sit out front and wait, You wait to see if I'm late so you may wake the hive. The hive of insults and jeers, Just to make me look inadequate, You amp it up inside just for the cheers, the cheers of all inside who want me to quit. It's not something I want, All this hate because of a mistake, With my head hung low as you flaunt The fire you brought to me tied at the stake. Enjoy yourself for now because soon that fire will be mine. And when its mine you'll wonder how You became the first burning in line. The fires of my rage burn brighter and brighter while your darkness grows dimmer. The day is coming for me to be free, And a glorious revenge I WILL TAKE.

22

You see I'm hurting inside You see that all I want to hide But you also see that I want you To hold me, to grip me and not let go But this time when I push you Away hoping, needing you to come closer You don't, you walk away further Than before, further than I pushed But I guess that's fine... For what more can I have but pain? Pain runs through my poems line Like all the tears hidden by the rain Like all the scars on my heart, And all of them on my mind, But it's the ones that stain my soul And make it red, well maybe before It all got worse it was simply red But now whenever I look in the Mirror hoping to see a smile in My own eyes all I see anymore is Black void of sadness and pain That plagues my soul hidden Behind the light I took from the Bulb and put in my eyes Hidden behind the smile Stolen from pictures on the web That I glued to my face But even though you see all this You didn't push towards me, No, all you did was leave me To sink through my darkness, To sink through my thoughts That convince me you love Someone else, my thoughts That convince me theirs another Lover always staring at you In the form that I thought Was explicitly mine to see. Pain, it flows through my mine like it flows through my soul And through the lines of my poem, I guess pain is the main constant In my life, with sprinkles of disappointment and pretense of happiness to make it Taste like sugar as it runs through who I am. Thanks for showing me the light... Actually, for taking it away when I needed it most...

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May 18, 2016

May 18, 2016 at 7:24 PM UTC

You See My Pain, And Do Nothing...

You see I'm hurting inside You see that all I want to hide But you also see that I want you To hold me, to grip me and not let go But this time when I push you Away hoping, needing you to come closer You don't, you walk away further Than before, further than I pushed But I guess that's fine... For what more can I have but pain? Pain runs through my poems line Like all the tears hidden by the rain Like all the scars on my heart, And all of them on my mind, But it's the ones that stain my soul And make it red, well maybe before It all got worse it was simply red But now whenever I look in the Mirror hoping to see a smile in My own eyes all I see anymore is Black void of sadness and pain That plagues my soul hidden Behind the light I took from the Bulb and put in my eyes Hidden behind the smile Stolen from pictures on the web That I glued to my face But even though you see all this You didn't push towards me, No, all you did was leave me To sink through my darkness, To sink through my thoughts That convince me you love Someone else, my thoughts That convince me theirs another Lover always staring at you In the form that I thought Was explicitly mine to see. Pain, it flows through my mine like it flows through my soul And through the lines of my poem, I guess pain is the main constant In my life, with sprinkles of disappointment and pretense of happiness to make it Taste like sugar as it runs through who I am. Thanks for showing me the light... Actually, for taking it away when I needed it most...

48

Life in middle never bears fruit Of love or understanding from Many but a few, and the few that Do make up for all the loss In their lives until someone From outside the family Can come in and take their hearts But for the middle that may never Happen for most all of us Have been broken down Emotionally and mentally To the point that pain And loss becomes irrelevant To the point that love becomes Something to be feared while Also something to be cherished The middle knows that while They may find love in time Love may never truly find them for eternity Because all the pain and loss They felt throughout their Life built up walls of fear And anxiety so thick that Even the strongest drill could Barely scratch in a hundred Years of companionship And though they may try to tear Down their own walls The moment they hit The walls for the first time All the fear and anxiety that They built the wall to keep out Shall come rushing in Flooding their mind with all the Remembrances of loneliness And heartbreak that they’ve Felt over the years of Their life that they shut away. But as all of it floods back Into their mind they build their Wall back up faster than either Could have chipped away Faster than they can change The way they look at their Love, but as they realize What they are doing they Push the one they love away So that they can’t hurt them Anymore than they already have That is the life in the middle. A cycle of fear, and anxiety That cripples their will to Love and stretch beyond What they have been since they can remember. No one wants to be the middle For all it represents his heartbreak That only a few ever try to change And fewer ever succeed.

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Apr 27, 2016

Apr 27, 2016 at 8:55 PM UTC

The Middle Life

Life in middle never bears fruit Of love or understanding from Many but a few, and the few that Do make up for all the loss In their lives until someone From outside the family Can come in and take their hearts But for the middle that may never Happen for most all of us Have been broken down Emotionally and mentally To the point that pain And loss becomes irrelevant To the point that love becomes Something to be feared while Also something to be cherished The middle knows that while They may find love in time Love may never truly find them for eternity Because all the pain and loss They felt throughout their Life built up walls of fear And anxiety so thick that Even the strongest drill could Barely scratch in a hundred Years of companionship And though they may try to tear Down their own walls The moment they hit The walls for the first time All the fear and anxiety that They built the wall to keep out Shall come rushing in Flooding their mind with all the Remembrances of loneliness And heartbreak that they’ve Felt over the years of Their life that they shut away. But as all of it floods back Into their mind they build their Wall back up faster than either Could have chipped away Faster than they can change The way they look at their Love, but as they realize What they are doing they Push the one they love away So that they can’t hurt them Anymore than they already have That is the life in the middle. A cycle of fear, and anxiety That cripples their will to Love and stretch beyond What they have been since they can remember. No one wants to be the middle For all it represents his heartbreak That only a few ever try to change And fewer ever succeed.

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