You call this space my mind
I call this space prison.
Something like a prism with chains
I attempt to escape but everyday my life remains the same.
What a shame,
How I repeat yesterday but expect things to change.
I clasped on walls of water
While I cried into concrete emotions
A foolish past
Yet we strive for us to remain because deep rooted is our fear of change.
If things changed then our emotions would switch
I would realize that this its for me and I’d back out this mess and leave.
Then where would we be?
Somewhere happiness existed
Leaving this miserable mindset behind
How Love can be so hurtful
Causing us to constantly cry.
How about I put aside pride
So we can take a step to the right?
How about I admit to the world my imperfections…
One
I trust no one for once upon a time a guy lied
Two
I dream of being the model of perfection
But somehow I ran into the wrong direction
Three
I dream of the relationship where you’d understand that I fear
Sharing space with a man
Four
Four….
I can’t believe I’m letting this list escape my mind and seep through my small lips
Face this.
Lets continue…
I hate the way I love so intense
I roll up life and worry myself to death
Until I explode like this.
This list is not complete but I can’t let you have all of me
For you might try to use my imperfections against me.
Let the rumors die
For this soul that lives inside isn’t separate from the sin of my pride.
Mar 17, 2011
Mar 17, 2011 at 7:10 PM UTC
There is times I wish we could’ve fixed this mess.
Times when life seemed perfect with you.
Now the numbers have changed on our digital clock and you are no longer mine.
I used to cry all the time praying my heart would agree with my logical mind
yet I have thoughts of being with you come back all the time.
Time.
Funny how I dream to eliminate our last date
yet I can’t shake the emotions that put me into this love/hate relations-
Ship me in a box to far away places so my thoughts can travel beyond me and you.
Seems like I thought I was over you yet the thought of you loving another kills my pride so much animosity that I try hard to hide.
Foolish right?
I’ve moved on but still expect you to be by my side.
Crazy pride.
Can’t have a man and have the other hanging on my side.
Remember the ride?
That roller-coaster of a dream yet it was the reality of us together.
You’d say you love me but show me never.
*** wasn’t a factor
yet I wonder if it would’ve changed the miserable life I live thinking about some other chick housing your kids.
Don’t read too much into this because I don’t want to birth his offspring
I just want us to some how fix things.
Crazy how love rang when while I ignored the logic of staying alone
being with you I strived to focus on other things.
I hate this past love yet I can’t label it a mistake
because without you I’d still want to be the thugs wife
while praying to God to bring them back safe.
My time was *****
yet I repeat again
we were no mistake.
Mar 12, 2011
Mar 12, 2011 at 8:24 AM UTC
To eat or not to eat that is the question?
Seems like the journey to the answer is the source of my depression.
Obsession.
Stressed out.
No doubt.
This is hell.
Touch the bones
As we speak in playful tones about my ill pains
Seems as if everyday I struggle with the same thing.
This disorder has me in chains
Doing strange things for minor relief
Crazy how thirteen years of grief
Yet I still count the calories of air
Combing out hair
The stress causes the remains of my life to break into pieces
Slices of happiness never lasts seems as I’m bathing in my own blood bath
The challenge is to finish last
Slow down the binge
Eat normal like your friends
Repeat.
Think I can break habit just because it’s the right thing to do?
You think I enjoy this relationship with food?
I’d divorce my past and marry your future if it meant I’d be okay
But I remain in this mess I began when they told I’d be fat again.
Tell a friend
I let weight meet me again.
Feels like a sin to some how feel joy.
**** the dreams of this skinny beast.
Hug the cookies and drink the wine
This is the cry of a disordered mind.
Welcome to my inner thoughts
My illness greets you.
Leave your sanity at the door for you wont need that silly thing anymore.
Now eat until you can’t move then starve yourself times two.
Make the grades because if you’re intelligent then they remain away
Telling you how much they wish their body looked like mine
Silly envy I here all the time
I wonder if they knew my fears
Would they escape?
But much like me,
Once you figure things out it’s much too late.
Mar 5, 2011
Mar 5, 2011 at 10:25 PM UTC
Love oozed out of your skin.
That caring soul within penetrated my heart.
While I inhaled that love into my lungs
As this love traveled through my veins
I prayed this love for me I’d be able to spread one day.
Some how I’d be the Angel you were to me
Wish you didn’t have to live in my memories
I dreamed that God gave you back to me
But some foreign place of enchanted perfection
Seems too much like the wrong direction.
Too many steps in life
I couldn’t have taken them all right.
I couldn’t have loved someone more than I loved he
Too bad you are no longer beside me
Now only DNA runs inside me
I’m not implying you are not above my head
Given me hints on how to correct my wrongs
I just wish you could be here to catch me before I fall.
Physically
I need your touch
I miss the closeness between us.
The insiders that kept the world away
I was “Granddaddy’s baby”
Your pride
My joy
I cried not for your absence because you’ll never leave
I just wish I could still tug on your sleeve.
I can still see you in my smile
Remember how we’d smile together?
I do.
Remember how you’d pull me aside when I tried to run and hide?
I do.
Remember when I’d tell you a story with no end and you beg me to tell it over and over yet over again?
I do.
I can recall our relationships down to the second because
You were my joy
More than my Granddad
My best friend.
My heart. My soul.
My Grandfather.
In loving memory of Thomas Smoot
Mar 4, 2011
Mar 4, 2011 at 11:33 PM UTC
You've managed to turn a women of substance into this,
An angry mess.
Questing my sanity
If these words I say are reality.
This insomniac scream
My mental state is unknown
for the reasons I'm insane is unknown
Temper of the young one is full grown.
I thought I divorced you but you return with new form of abuse.
Does it humor you that I can not sleep?
Do you feel accomplished that my thoughts are all on you?
How does it feel to still have your hold on my heart?
Do you enjoy knowing I am still in pain
The simple fact I can't gain
Or is this the result of recovery pains?
Either way life doesn't feel the same.
I wonder after you done with me will my body still look the same.
pondering what your next move will be because it's apparent you still controlling me.
Foolish me
I thought I could live without you.
I can't live with or without you I'm stuck
I want to say I give up because I've had enough.
Mar 3, 2011
Mar 3, 2011 at 12:59 PM UTC
If I saw myself as God saw me
Id understand that everything I go through isn't just for me.
Id accept that this journey though hard It was chosen for me.
Id see myself in a greater light than the deem one I use to read.
If I saw the beauty of these words through God's eyes
Id picture my future bigger than my dreams
And know nothing is a horrible as It all seems
That life isn't meant to be a cake walk and my temptation is never more than I can bare.
That the blessings of my sadness is so I can appreciate the beauty of the rainbows.
my sorrows wont last forever
And the love He has for me ends, never.
And I can smile even through my stormy weather.
Whether or not you believe it true this is the way God sees you too.
Love thou heart that is given to me
and before I die allow me to spread His love and peace.
Rest my soul in His hand for I give Him my faith
My life I trust in His hands.
Allow me not to breathe evil thoughts
while giving you the praise
Give me permission to be the vessel
To save the world from the demons
The devil gave them lies
while leading them to defeat
Strengthen me so I can lead them too your heavens
Your Golden gates.
Remove my selfish ways and replace them with
A heart like Yours,
Full of Love and Grace.
No one can replace
The God I serve
For He is great.
Feb 23, 2011
Feb 23, 2011 at 5:18 AM UTC
The Idea of you was lust
Now like a unwanted pimple its time for this season of my life to bust.
No trust,
Between us
Because your obsession isn't killing us, it's me.
While you ****** me your looking for your next victim.
Rusting of the metal that melted us as one
I scream to escape while my body remains in its vegetated state
While loved ones hold heated debates on what treatment I should take.
Inpatient or out seems like either route It's no end to the insanity of a strong hold
No goal
Seems attainable
No moments of being free from the chains you keep around me.
The gag between my teeth keeps your control over me.
Feb 22, 2011
Feb 22, 2011 at 8:54 AM UTC
Sip this.
Now smoke that.
You are too skinny so eat that
So you can gain
Here are some pills so you can numb the pain
Feel alone as the rest of us feel so we can dance to this song together
Lets forget that this illness kills and while we take these pills
Our soul remains hollow
Our sadness never ends for this perfect body we see
Is not the one the world sees
The image in our mind is to be a lot less than the average
More successful than one human can manage
While burning the flesh filled mistakes
In between blunts from the past
As we sip from the death of tomorrows glass.
Pass the self-pity
Don’t forget the stress the depression
The lost minds of the disordered
The found sorrow of the falling
Sip this
Now smoke that
Now throw up faith and hope
While you suffocate on the control that penetrates
The empty veins that line the bones
Give me the jars of our empty souls
As we write down numbers of scale goals.
Life holds new journeys for people that struggle
But the issue lives within
The city limits that the disorder mind lives in.
Feb 21, 2011
Feb 21, 2011 at 7:40 PM UTC
As if the weather dictates my emotions I feel sorrow the same way.
As if my life is captured in a raindrop
caught with the wind I too drift away.
I too am cold to the touch and can be unpredictable.
Unstable
and as flowing as maple syrup fresh from the trees.
Frozen fingers clinch broken glass as I try to mirror my past
beyond the crystals that are imprisoned behind this defeated soul. Nothing more peaceful than the rain
because I can imagine things changed,
can imagine my life being a positive thing.
Too bad along with the rain my thoughts will dry up
as the sun shows up and the heat rises.
Look into the horizon
so you can see the beauty I see when the rain dries up
and once again I’m no longer a dream.
Feb 9, 2011
Feb 9, 2011 at 10:28 AM UTC
Pick a corner,
you’ll find me,
praying to God no one notices me.
Under depression while I passionately hug my obsession.
Contemplating if it’s worth the fight to stay sober through the night. No drugs just me to face the ugly truth of my imperfection,
the flithy reality that I’ll never be in control
of this beast that eats
away at the emptiness while I strive to be thin I mirror the skeleton beneath my skin.
Funny how tight I can hold the truth deep within.
Between lies and smiles
I seem to be recovered
while I’m a functioning addicted to my drug of choice
I would be number one in line if it ment rewinding time
just so I could eat the frist meal I skipped.
Asking myself would this end this trip?
Will never know now because I’m neck deep in this quick sand
with a crowd of friends holding my hand
screaming to me as I fade away into the life I gave away.
Feb 4, 2011
Feb 4, 2011 at 11:49 AM UTC