Hello, old friend. How much has changed in the past six years? A lot. Yet here I am again. Heartbroken. If you’ll allow me, I’d like to spill my heart back out to you.
To the question as to if I moved on: yes. With the help of family and friends, I got through those dark days. There are losses that are far more heartbreaking than that of losing a lover. In two years, feeling as though I could not go on, I did. I learned resilience.
I learned to love me. I set new goals for myself. I stepped away from the things that weren’t building me up. I learned to push through every set back, every heartache, every disappointment. I focused on work and raising the kids the best way I know. I made new friends. I learned to enjoy being alone. And then eventually, I learned to love again. It was not easy. The walls around my heart were made of titanium after all. There were struggles and nights of self resentment for being so difficult to love. But it happened.
This time though, it was different. You see I am older now, my expectations have grown with me and this love, this new, exciting love was growing with me too. He was there while I was juggling work and motherhood, and I with him while reaching his dreams. We grew together. He was patient while we navigated a somewhat LDR relationship. He was in every sense of the word my partner.
How wonderful it was to be with someone who enjoyed all the same things. We shared dreams, goals, and aspirations. We encouraged, supported, and worked with each other to reach them. How different it was to be building a life with someone. And I said to myself: this is what I went through all that pain for; this is why good things fell apart. This was the better that came for it… UNTIL IT WASN'T.
It is amazing what the human heart and mind can handle isn’t it? How after three years of talking to someone every minute of everyday you can just stop. How someone who you shared a life with, all the goals and plans and dreams can just stop.
So here we are again. Six years later. The same, but different. I am trying to relearn resilience.
Dec 8, 2024
Dec 8, 2024 at 6:48 AM UTC
THREE DECADES AND EIGHT, and here's a glimpse on how it feels to be alive in my late 30's:
1. It's not all rainbows and unicorns. It's more like a series of unfortunate events and mundane everyday problems.🤦
2. Substantial amount of coffee for breakfast. Or could be home chores, wailing kids. Or rush compliances and paper works. Could be all three, depending on my luck.🙄
3. You always get what you wished for. At a younger age, I wished for a job and kids and it was granted -- certainly not my dream job or dream kids though. I have a stable job and two adorable, lovely girls but how I wish I was more specific then, like "God, pls I want a less toxic, high-paying job and well-behaved kids".🤭
4. Everything hurts for no reason -- my head, my back, my heart. Emotional breakdown visits me frequently, and I've got hangovers from a glass of wine I've drank few weeks ago.🥴
5. Knowing the right thing to do and knowing a greater excuse not to do it. Too many things to do, too little time to accomplish them all but I just can't let the couch down, waving for a nap.😆
6. I've got list of favorites lately. Favorite people I irregularly talk and hang out with, like maybe once a month or two but love me anyways (shout out to my super friends!). Favorite grocery store because I'm too lazy to go out & explore others. Favorite outfit, mainly shirts & pants, because dressing up upsets me now -- as the age increases, so does the insecurities. Every food is my favorite because it's not everyday that I could afford to eat with gusto. Favorite work out now is moving a muscle while walking to the fridge to get some food or to the nearest socket to charge my phone. My favorite childhood memory? Not paying the bills.😛
7. Getting invites from friends to go out, excitedly sending confirmations to join, then cancelling on the last minute because suddenly I'm too lazy to socialize.😁
8. Working hard to pay the bills & other responsibilities. If I badly needed a break or a sleep, I take the pill if tiring myself with my bike or disturbing my neighbors with my awful singing and guitar doesn't work.😩
9. There is no certainty in love. The fear that life will shatter again and that the pieces I carefully glued will never be the same explains the distance and the high walls.😣
10. Just watching my phone rings because it's rude to cancel, then getting back to whoever called/texted three days later, or depends on my mood and availability to reply. Unless of course if it's work-related, family & close friends matters, or from someone worthy of my time because nonsense & cheap convos no longer interests me.✌️
11. People come and go, letting them pass along and accepting that nothing stays the same because I believe there's more to life than chasing people and dreams not really meant for me. Life goes on, and so must I.💪
12. The best things in life are not things, but the few people who make me feel loved and cared for. Or the simple things I usually take for granted like a goodnight sleep, a decent meal, the sunset, a beautiful song, the simple joys of watching my kids sleeping peacefully and hearing my parents' laughter, and knowing that the rest of my whole fam is surviving well during this pandemic. I don't have the best of everything but I make the best of what I have, thank you Lord.♥️
You mature with the damage, not with the years, dear self. Au revoir to an old version of you, and bonjour to a better, stronger you.🔥
Jun 5, 2021
Jun 5, 2021 at 9:55 AM UTC
Who needs
guns to **** when
you have words...?
What is more
deadly, my friend
a gun or a thought?
A gun gives you
the opportunity
but a thought
pulls the trigger...
Jan 14, 2017
Jan 14, 2017 at 2:57 AM UTC
2 am is for the poets who
can't sleep because their
minds are alive with words
for someone who's not there.
For the alcoholics drinking
themselves into amnesia to
forget someone who left.
2 am is not for the lovers
asleep in each other's arms.
It is for the lonely, the ones
who are inlove with the
loved but are not loved in
return.
Feb 1, 2016
Feb 1, 2016 at 10:24 PM UTC
Mi Amore,
you wanted me
to be your anchor
but you
didn't realize
that meant
I had to
drown...
Jan 29, 2016
Jan 29, 2016 at 3:01 AM UTC
The rain falling reminds me of you because it's falling hard, and I am too..
Mar 10, 2015
Mar 10, 2015 at 5:24 AM UTC
I was about
To pour
Hot steaming tea
To the two
Waiting
Lovely teacups...
And then i realized,
I am alone.
Again.
Mar 9, 2015
Mar 9, 2015 at 12:02 AM UTC
i am tired
not for lack of sleep--
no, i slept quite well last night
and i've had my coffee
it's something deeper, something
inherently present, in the
fibers of my skin,
in my tendons, in my eyes.
i am exhausted,
fatiguely by life,
by the noise and silence,
the people, and
the empty rooms,
the light and dark;
by hope and despair
so worn down by the world
that nothing in it can
refresh my mind from the constant buzzing.
i am tired and there are not
enough hours in the night
for the type of rest i need...
Feb 13, 2015
Feb 13, 2015 at 3:19 AM UTC
when my body and your body
lie together under a white sheet
your head on my arm
your leg thrown over my leg
the whole long continent of you
the pale ridge line of your rib cage and hip and thigh
neighbor me
there is nothing that needs to be explained
or accomplished, the world is at rest and complete
and though
we drift apart in the eddies of the day
we will find our way back
to the slight hollow that mark the place
where we lie now, astonished, saying nothing...
Aug 6, 2014
Aug 6, 2014 at 10:47 PM UTC
I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult, in order to accept the responsibilities of a 6-year-old.
The tax base is lower.
I want to be six again.
I want to go to McDonald's and think it's
the best place in the world to eat.
I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle
and make waves with rocks.
I want to think M&Ms; are better than money,
because you can eat them.
I want to play kickball during recess and stay up on Christmas Eve waiting to hear Santa and Rudolph on the roof.
I long for the days when life was simple.
When all you knew were your colors, the addition tables and simple nursery rhymes, but it didn't bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't know, and you didn't care.
I want to go to school and have snack time, recess, gym and field trips.
I want to be happy, because I don't know what should make me upset.
I want to think the world is fair and everyone in it is honest and good.
I want to believe that anything is possible.
Sometime, while I was maturing, I learned too much.
I learned of nuclear weapons, prejudice, starving and
abused kids, lies, unhappy marriages, illness, pain and mortality.
I want to be six again.
I want to think that everyone, including myself,
will live forever, because I don't know the concept of death.
I want to be oblivious to the complexity of life and
be overly excited by the little things again.
I want television to be something I watch for fun,
not something used for escape from the things I should be doing.
I want to live knowing the little things that I find exciting
will always make me as happy as when I first learned them.
I want to be six again.
I remember not seeing the world as a whole, but rather
being aware of only the things that directly concerned me.
I want to be naive enough to think that if I'm happy, so is everyone else.
I want to walk down the beach and think only of the sand beneath my feet
and the possibility of finding that blue piece of sea glass I'm looking for.
I want to spend my afternoons climbing trees and riding my bike, letting
the grownups worry about time, the dentist and how to find the money to fix the car.
I want to wonder what I'll do when I grow up and what I'll be,
who I'll be and not worry about what I'll do if this doesn't work out.
I want that time back.
I want to use it now as an escape, so that when my computer crashes,
or I have a mountain of paperwork, or two depressed friends, or a fight
with my spouse, or bittersweet memories of times gone by, or second thoughts about so many things, I can travel back and build a snowman, without thinking about anything except whether the snow sticks together
and what I can possibly use for the snowman's mouth.
I want to be six again.
Jun 30, 2014
Jun 30, 2014 at 3:47 AM UTC