shane-carmichael - Hello Poetry

I saved a voicemail you left me on the 12th of February. You said that you hoped I had a great day, and you were proud of me. I’ll never delete that. Not because I don’t think your proud of me, but because one day soon I won’t be able to hear your voice anymore. Words swell in my throat daily, and I feel like it’s going to collapse at any second. But it doesn’t. I swallow. Harder. Then even harder. And eventually the lump in my throat dies along with the tears swelling in my eyes. I go to school, life, social events, and home with my mask. Sometimes I even wear it to bed. WHY! I scream in my mind. I scream so loud I’m sure everyone can hear me. But they don’t. No one can or will. Of all the people in this world, why you, Daddy? Why my Dad, my rock and groundwork for my success? Why, God, would you take your most loyal servant from me? Right. You selfish god, you. I saw a picture of us today, Dad. We were happy. You smiled, and I smiled. WE smiled. Family again. Whole again. Just to be taken, for the last time. Daddy, I don’t want to say goodbye. Please Daddy. I’m tired of wiping my eyes, and ruining perfectly good shirts. You’re still happy. How? That’s right. Because heroes don’t cry. And neither does my Dad.

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Mar 14, 2014

Mar 14, 2014 at 2:15 AM UTC

Dad

I saved a voicemail you left me on the 12th of February. You said that you hoped I had a great day, and you were proud of me. I’ll never delete that. Not because I don’t think your proud of me, but because one day soon I won’t be able to hear your voice anymore. Words swell in my throat daily, and I feel like it’s going to collapse at any second. But it doesn’t. I swallow. Harder. Then even harder. And eventually the lump in my throat dies along with the tears swelling in my eyes. I go to school, life, social events, and home with my mask. Sometimes I even wear it to bed. WHY! I scream in my mind. I scream so loud I’m sure everyone can hear me. But they don’t. No one can or will. Of all the people in this world, why you, Daddy? Why my Dad, my rock and groundwork for my success? Why, God, would you take your most loyal servant from me? Right. You selfish god, you. I saw a picture of us today, Dad. We were happy. You smiled, and I smiled. WE smiled. Family again. Whole again. Just to be taken, for the last time. Daddy, I don’t want to say goodbye. Please Daddy. I’m tired of wiping my eyes, and ruining perfectly good shirts. You’re still happy. How? That’s right. Because heroes don’t cry. And neither does my Dad.

25

For once I met someone as clumsy as me. I am always falling.. Tripping even. But I was too clumsy this time and so were you. You stumbled over my past, And I fumbled into your mind. I stepped into your soul And you slipped into my life. You tripped over my presence, And we collapsed into each others' hearts. I'm glad you're as clumsy as me.

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Feb 5, 2013

Feb 5, 2013 at 8:44 PM UTC

Clumsy

For once I met someone as clumsy as me. I am always falling.. Tripping even. But I was too clumsy this time and so were you. You stumbled over my past, And I fumbled into your mind. I stepped into your soul And you slipped into my life. You tripped over my presence, And we collapsed into each others' hearts. I'm glad you're as clumsy as me.

11

This will be the last time. The last time you’ll be reminded of us. Of what we had, did, and wanted to do. It’s quite bitter now, and for that I apologize. I should have left it alone when I had the chance. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t regret us. Not for one ******* second. I regret that I wasn’t the one that could make you happy. I regret that I wasn’t the one who could brighten your day with one smile. I regret that I couldn’t bring you to where you needed to be. After all, you did all that for me. Regardless of miles or paths, I will never regret you, or us. I will never regret our **** days in your bed being playful. I will never regret the kisses and hugs that brought my world back into focus. And I will never regret you. I removed the necklace and rings for one reason. I can’t live with the constant reminder that I lost the best part of my life. Truly, I will miss you. But you need more than just me. So fly and be free from this cage of moral incompetency. Now, I give you permission. Permission to live freely. Now, go. And please don’t forget me, or the time I spent by your side. For I will never truly be completely gone from there. Only temporarily misplaced, and ready for when you may need me once again.

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Jan 3, 2013

Jan 3, 2013 at 2:55 AM UTC

The Last One

This will be the last time. The last time you’ll be reminded of us. Of what we had, did, and wanted to do. It’s quite bitter now, and for that I apologize. I should have left it alone when I had the chance. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t regret us. Not for one ******* second. I regret that I wasn’t the one that could make you happy. I regret that I wasn’t the one who could brighten your day with one smile. I regret that I couldn’t bring you to where you needed to be. After all, you did all that for me. Regardless of miles or paths, I will never regret you, or us. I will never regret our **** days in your bed being playful. I will never regret the kisses and hugs that brought my world back into focus. And I will never regret you. I removed the necklace and rings for one reason. I can’t live with the constant reminder that I lost the best part of my life. Truly, I will miss you. But you need more than just me. So fly and be free from this cage of moral incompetency. Now, I give you permission. Permission to live freely. Now, go. And please don’t forget me, or the time I spent by your side. For I will never truly be completely gone from there. Only temporarily misplaced, and ready for when you may need me once again.

26

Even drunk, I can put my words to thought And my thought to words You mean everything to me And I will stay here forever As long as it means you’re in my life Even if I’m not “the one” I will watch you go through times And still be here I will continue to be what I’ve always been to you A dependable, yet insignificant person in the grand scheme I’ll make you glad you came And still be here Even when you talk about him all the time I’ll still be here Just like I’ve always been Because of many reasons The main one being That I know how you feel Because you are him to me And I could never be without you So I won’t even try And I’ll stay Until you decide and realize how bad I am for you I’m drunk But I still love you I’ll read this sober And still love you You really don’t understand how much I mean it When I say I’ll never leave you Even if it costs me My last breath Because to me You’re worth it I love you. I always have. I always will. My love. -V

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Nov 28, 2012

Nov 28, 2012 at 3:17 AM UTC

To you

Even drunk, I can put my words to thought And my thought to words You mean everything to me And I will stay here forever As long as it means you’re in my life Even if I’m not “the one” I will watch you go through times And still be here I will continue to be what I’ve always been to you A dependable, yet insignificant person in the grand scheme I’ll make you glad you came And still be here Even when you talk about him all the time I’ll still be here Just like I’ve always been Because of many reasons The main one being That I know how you feel Because you are him to me And I could never be without you So I won’t even try And I’ll stay Until you decide and realize how bad I am for you I’m drunk But I still love you I’ll read this sober And still love you You really don’t understand how much I mean it When I say I’ll never leave you Even if it costs me My last breath Because to me You’re worth it I love you. I always have. I always will. My love. -V

39

Forever it seemed to me Waiting day after day, wondering Watching failure after failure A warm kitchen and a full living room Pictures on the wall That I stared at night after night I can’t get these pictures out of my head My dreams consume me with terror And thoughts of losing you Haven’t I already lost you? Don’t let them see you cry, dear Don’t mourn for something you never missed Or needed The duct tape that filled the empty space Of your voided and closed soul Only the dullest knives have problems Cutting away the tape And you, my love, are of the sharpest kind

0

Nov 27, 2012

Nov 27, 2012 at 2:13 AM UTC

Pain

Forever it seemed to me Waiting day after day, wondering Watching failure after failure A warm kitchen and a full living room Pictures on the wall That I stared at night after night I can’t get these pictures out of my head My dreams consume me with terror And thoughts of losing you Haven’t I already lost you? Don’t let them see you cry, dear Don’t mourn for something you never missed Or needed The duct tape that filled the empty space Of your voided and closed soul Only the dullest knives have problems Cutting away the tape And you, my love, are of the sharpest kind

18

How do you stop it from raining? -You don’t. You get under shelter. How do you keep from crying? -You don’t. You let it out. How do you prevent hurt? -You don’t. You ease the pain of healing. How do you stop the storm from coming? -You don’t. You just, don’t.

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Nov 27, 2012

Nov 27, 2012 at 2:09 AM UTC

I Will Wait

How do you stop it from raining? -You don’t. You get under shelter. How do you keep from crying? -You don’t. You let it out. How do you prevent hurt? -You don’t. You ease the pain of healing. How do you stop the storm from coming? -You don’t. You just, don’t.

8

You’re beautiful. Smart. Talented. Wise. Level-headed. Strong. Cryptic. Brilliant. Some things never do change.

0

Nov 5, 2012

Nov 5, 2012 at 1:43 AM UTC

Le’ts G’o Ba'ck

You’re beautiful. Smart. Talented. Wise. Level-headed. Strong. Cryptic. Brilliant. Some things never do change.

9

Stop. Leave me in this misery. Do not pull me out. For my misery is my greatest accomplishment. In my misery you rise above. In my misery you succeed. In your success is my demise. But you, a rarity, creates all. Can you create death, or does death create you?

0

Nov 5, 2012

Nov 5, 2012 at 1:35 AM UTC

Just Wait

Stop. Leave me in this misery. Do not pull me out. For my misery is my greatest accomplishment. In my misery you rise above. In my misery you succeed. In your success is my demise. But you, a rarity, creates all. Can you create death, or does death create you?

9

So many layers I must reveal So many hats I must wear So many faces I must present You see some clearly Others you have yet to even glance upon Please do not mistake me for someone who gives up easily Likewise do not mistake me for a fool I have learned to separate what I want to be to you And what I am to you

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Nov 5, 2012

Nov 5, 2012 at 1:33 AM UTC

Wishing

So many layers I must reveal So many hats I must wear So many faces I must present You see some clearly Others you have yet to even glance upon Please do not mistake me for someone who gives up easily Likewise do not mistake me for a fool I have learned to separate what I want to be to you And what I am to you

9

FLASH “Blame it on my ADD baby...” My fingers graze from the brim of your jeans and drag from the crevice between your upper thigh and stomach to your batman bellybutton ring and pull your skin between your cleavage to the base of your neck while my teeth drag along your bare chest, laid out before me. FLASH “Learn to take your **** with a big-ass smile...” I’m shooing the dogs out so you can get ready for work and I can stand back like I always to do take in every inch of you while I can. The smoothness of your flawless skin, your beautiful back that seems to greet me more often now, that adorable smile, and most of all the eyes that made the world stop. Well, mine hasn’t started back since. FLASH “I’m half the man that you think that I have been...” Driving. More. You’re telling me a story about this band that you like and I listen like a little child because your stories, no matter the subject, always capture my full attention. FLASH **** I need to get some sleep before I never sleep again, because I’m thinking of everything I love about you.

0

Oct 25, 2012

Oct 25, 2012 at 1:50 AM UTC

Memory

FLASH “Blame it on my ADD baby...” My fingers graze from the brim of your jeans and drag from the crevice between your upper thigh and stomach to your batman bellybutton ring and pull your skin between your cleavage to the base of your neck while my teeth drag along your bare chest, laid out before me. FLASH “Learn to take your **** with a big-ass smile...” I’m shooing the dogs out so you can get ready for work and I can stand back like I always to do take in every inch of you while I can. The smoothness of your flawless skin, your beautiful back that seems to greet me more often now, that adorable smile, and most of all the eyes that made the world stop. Well, mine hasn’t started back since. FLASH “I’m half the man that you think that I have been...” Driving. More. You’re telling me a story about this band that you like and I listen like a little child because your stories, no matter the subject, always capture my full attention. FLASH **** I need to get some sleep before I never sleep again, because I’m thinking of everything I love about you.

21