How am i?
You want the truth?
I'm broken
Not the type you get when you didn't get your way so you're slightly disappointed. I'm heart broken. My heart is aching deep inside my chest, it trembles because it's now coming to terms with what my brain already knows.
How am i?
I am in pain ...
I have alot of physical ailments but nothing, nothing at all compares to crying yourself to sleep, waking up from sleeping crying, going through your day crying. I've cried for 3 days now.
How am i?
I'm trying to be strong.
Why? I know if you knew how I really feel you'll be devastated so I lie, I tell you I'm doing okay, I'm great, fantastic...while having..tears on my cheeks....so you can focus on you. I went to school trying to hide my tears but then I saw my friend and I broke down. I actually gripped at my heart and I told her it hurts soooo bad. My heart was beating like normal but yet it hurt so bad. I cried so much that I accepted it, class mates passed me and asked "Are you ok?" I said "I'm great, ignore the tears I have allergies".
How am i?
I'm hurt.
So so so so so so hurt. You wanted to stop hurting me so much that you decided to break my heart instead. I hate you for that. You promised me you wouldn't break my heart. Then why am I crying everyday, why does my heart ache, why am I not eating....why am I in such pain.....why do I feel so.... empty.
How am I?
I don't know.
I'm so many things yet nothing all at once.
I wouldn't wish heart break on an enemy if I had any.
It's painful...no one deserves to feel like they're nothing,...
No one deserves to feel broken.
Jonesy 2020 (c)
Mar 3, 2020
Mar 3, 2020 at 5:56 AM UTC
I don't usually grow under harsh conditions,
It takes a while for my seed to sprout.
But he was a gentleman
And he watered me everyday.
He believed in my growth
Although he himself did not know how to grow.
I don't usually grow under harsh conditions,
But in this cruel world I'm beginning to sprout,
Gentle this creature was
He made sure he gave me sun every day
For he wanted me to grow.
I don't usually grow under harsh conditions,
But today I finally sprout.
I'm glad I can now sustain him
Now it is my turn to believe in him
He can finally enjoy my fragrance and the beauty in my petals.
I can now help you to grow too
Just like you have shown me.
We don't usually grow under harsh conditions,
But I'm here now
Bobbing my head, dancing to the wind.
Showing you that with patience anything is possible.
Let me show you how to grow under these harsh conditions.
©jonesy2019
Apr 11, 2019
Apr 11, 2019 at 11:01 AM UTC
To whom it may concern,
You seem to be having a blast with my voodoo doll, just making out these terrible situations for me; sitting there and plotting the best way to f me over. I think to myself there's no way I'll let you get to me not today, but you always have the last say.
So I decided today was the day I wrote a letter to my Saboteur.
Hopefully now you'll stop getting in my head telling me I ain't worth it,
That boy will never love you don't you ever understand it.
I try and try to ignore you
Tell me about all my flaws
How I never do anything right
"How do you keep looking at yourself, you're such an eye sore"
Today I decided to write a letter to my Saboteur.
These letters seem to be working, you haven't sabotage me recently.
No more shady moments
No more feeling bad.
Its been a few days now since I last heard from my saboteur but that's only because I stopped listening to myself.
©Jonesy2019
Mar 27, 2019
Mar 27, 2019 at 7:05 AM UTC
We all have our ups and down;
Some things are better left unspoken.
My mouth is a stranger to smiles and tends to easily welcome frowns;
I'm not broken.
Emotions I hold so dear.
To my friends i offer you all a token,
But my anxiety won't let you guys come that near;
Maybe I am broken.
Fear, I'll never let you win,
But my depression you just awoken;
"To cause harm to yourself is a sin! "
What if I am broken?
It hurts sitting here feeling so conflicted,
Wish I could say something but I'm too soft spoken,
But that's okay cause here is a fact,
I'll get over it as previously predicted,
So what I'm broken
Theres nothing wrong with that.
Jonesy 2019©
Feb 24, 2019
Feb 24, 2019 at 7:31 PM UTC
As I sat there contemplating...
I realized I was not as important to him as he was to me.
Jonesy 2019©
Feb 24, 2019
Feb 24, 2019 at 7:27 PM UTC
No I'm not appointing blame,
My origins will never change,
But what was there for an eight year old to do.
I never felt wanted again after I was born,
There was a huge void in my spirit
My dad married and it seemed like he forgot about me,
I felt like I was scorn.
I was never helped with homework;
I became a novice
Never understood Maths, English or any prerequisites.
A mistake.
Yeah I get it.
But at least don't treat me like it.... Please.
My teacher (God rest her soul) took me under her wing,
Helped me with maths,religious education and English.
I slowly understood what I was missing:
Love, joy, sympathy and a family.
This quickly ended when she died though,
And that void came back.
I never saw my dad.
I might have slowly forgotten his features.
But that didn't bother me I was only ten by then,
And I was coming into myself:
I suffered depression and insecurities.
Many a day I would bury my head in a book
Not because I wanted to,
But because I wanted to make myself scarce so I could escape the hardships of my dysfunctional family.
Maybe reading was a good thing,
I reassured myself as I read through the encyclopedias in my small library;
Deciding that I'll read my problems away.
Mom was never around,
And daddy had a new family.
I'll just read the problems away.
I felt unwanted.
Mummy started going out every night,
At this time I had a five year old sister;
Of course mom hardly spent time with her.
I babysat her while missing homework assignments I never got helped with.
Because mummy went out every night.
Sometimes she came home
Sometimes she didnt
A fire kindled in my spirit made of anger
How could a mother do this to her young daughters.
Jonesy 2019 ©
Feb 22, 2019
Feb 22, 2019 at 7:57 AM UTC
Growing up as a child and a young teen was not the best,
The memories up to this day traumatize me:
I always remember the bad ones and never the rest.
Now don't take this as a sob story I don't take well to pity,
Just give me a few minutes to dwell
On a childhood that was anything but well.
It was the 29th day of March,
A long and eerie night
A miscarriage was near in sight
The doctor told her:
Its very possible that you will lose your baby
After hours of pain and blood loss
Came a bundle of joy with "cat eyes" that brought light to all a young mother's flaws.
It was a miracle.
"Its a baby girl, woah look at those eyes they are almost bioluminescent in the dark"
Parents could never be so proud to bring such a beautiful creature to the world.
"I wish all the best, to this little girl"
Life was great
But I wasn't truly welcomed
Some people my existence upset.
But as a baby and toddler, it was great all I had to do was breastfeed, cry and ****
Then time happened and life became complicated.
My mom cheated (or was continuously cheating) and there was no preset
My dad wished there was a reset
And me... I was treated like an asset;
For money.
For **** sake my young years have been duped.
Jonesy 2019 ©
Feb 12, 2019
Feb 12, 2019 at 8:41 AM UTC
I'm writing from a state of creative deprivation,
And I don't know why
Life is driving on and it somewhat forgot me at the bus stop.
I'm writing from a state of creative deprivation.
Everything around me lacks inspiration,
Everything around me is now monotonous,
And I don't know why.
I'm writing from a state of creative deprivation.
It's ironic that when I started learning from school,
"How to be creative and how to make it better"
I lost my creativity.
And I don't know why.
I'm writing from a state of creative deprivation.
I no longer know how to express myself,
My creativity drives everything that I am;
I lost it.
And I don't know why.
I'm writing from a state of creative deprivation.
To me this world held so much inspiration.
Now,
The world holds the paint brushes;
Creative thinkers are the paint,
And this world lacks color.
And I don't know why.
Jonesy 2018 ©
Jun 6, 2018
Jun 6, 2018 at 5:06 PM UTC
Gone too soon...
Sometimes memories ain't enough...
The sun shone today,
As it always does.
I woke up today,
But I wonder if that is enough.
A life is given birth to.
inner voice
Yes I know
While another one dies.
inner voice
Its just how it goes
Life is perfectly imperfect
inner voice
That's just how it roll
No matter what we do.
inner voice
So what can we do
It's an inner strength,
That push us to greater measures.
We will go the length,
To seek out our most precious treasures.
inner voice
But what do we do once that strength is gone?
We shut down
We become annoyed
inner voice
But it needn't be this way
If we fight harder we can take that crown
That crown that is metaphorical to everything that brings us joy.
I know you feel like you lost a fight,
Like everything is gone and no longer bright
Like you should give up and just take flight,
So when you feel low all day and night,
Use this poem as a guiding light.
Jonesy 2018 ©
Apr 18, 2018
Apr 18, 2018 at 10:04 AM UTC
I feel like my mental health is deteriorating.
I've been more absent minded than before;
Like a ghost of my former self.
Tell me what I should do..... What I can do?
I feel so far from you
Its hard to believe that we are the same person.
I look in the mirror and can't even recognize you.
Shakespeare said "The world is a stage and we are all the actors"
So why do I feel like an understudy...
Of my own life.
But I get it now,
You just need to live a little.
Do things you never would have done
You're young.
Experience life a little
You were a child place into the role of an adult, too soon.
Your childhood was stripped from you like an animal being stripped from life.
It took you a while to realise it,
But you've got it now.
You're okay
You will be okay.
I believe in you.
Yours Truly,
Jonesy
Mar 24, 2018
Mar 24, 2018 at 1:25 PM UTC