sasha-ranganath - Hello Poetry

the words i wrote at fifteen, sixteen, seventeen, twenty did i truly understand them? do i truly understand them now? i'm closer to thirty than i am to fifteen and i'm just staring at this keyboard of a laptop i didn't buy listening to kesha on a speaker with the volume turned up 'way too high'. i think about the days i laid on the floor, listening to kesha, with the volume...yeah, way too high. i would lay on the floor of the room i grew up in a room whose walls, if they could talk, would just weep they would sob with all their might the distress, suffering and bloodshed they've seen and i'm still here, alive, more than just alive. living. and i wonder, could there be a way to slip back in time and watch myself on those cold, lonely, empty nights? "ain't it funny how time flies? fades into gold. now i wanna do a drive by, but i cant find the road... back to wonderland, where it all began." "feels like it was a movie, that plays in my mind. shadows of a past life, wish i could rewind." when did i learn to be so full of shame? so inhibited and so suffocated? it feels like i was more free in a sense when i was writhing in pain and emptiness but now that i have to have my head ******* straight on to survive in this world on my own two feet with everything i do, every step that i take... shame engulfs me like a raging fire that came on with no warning. even now, i feel ******* stupid writing these words but in times like these, i also feel completely and absolutely mentally ill, unwell, destroyed and somehow, it's freeing. i want to act like a lunatic i want to make unidentifiable noises i want to be called unstable at least then i'll get a pass to be unhinged and absolutely myself without the pretence of sanity and civil behaviour without needing to be so painfully aware of the fact that 'we live in a society' **** that i am my entire society i write the rules and i erase them at my will mentally ill, depressed out of my mind, numb as all hell, withering away but completely and entirely free to be myself. act out, lash out, scream, cry, crawl, hiss, flail, fail, growl do it all **** what anyone thinks i'll do as i want. i'll be me. that's it.

0

Nov 8, 2024

Nov 8, 2024 at 9:42 AM UTC

i dont ******* know

the words i wrote at fifteen, sixteen, seventeen, twenty did i truly understand them? do i truly understand them now? i'm closer to thirty than i am to fifteen and i'm just staring at this keyboard of a laptop i didn't buy listening to kesha on a speaker with the volume turned up 'way too high'. i think about the days i laid on the floor, listening to kesha, with the volume...yeah, way too high. i would lay on the floor of the room i grew up in a room whose walls, if they could talk, would just weep they would sob with all their might the distress, suffering and bloodshed they've seen and i'm still here, alive, more than just alive. living. and i wonder, could there be a way to slip back in time and watch myself on those cold, lonely, empty nights? "ain't it funny how time flies? fades into gold. now i wanna do a drive by, but i cant find the road... back to wonderland, where it all began." "feels like it was a movie, that plays in my mind. shadows of a past life, wish i could rewind." when did i learn to be so full of shame? so inhibited and so suffocated? it feels like i was more free in a sense when i was writhing in pain and emptiness but now that i have to have my head ******* straight on to survive in this world on my own two feet with everything i do, every step that i take... shame engulfs me like a raging fire that came on with no warning. even now, i feel ******* stupid writing these words but in times like these, i also feel completely and absolutely mentally ill, unwell, destroyed and somehow, it's freeing. i want to act like a lunatic i want to make unidentifiable noises i want to be called unstable at least then i'll get a pass to be unhinged and absolutely myself without the pretence of sanity and civil behaviour without needing to be so painfully aware of the fact that 'we live in a society' **** that i am my entire society i write the rules and i erase them at my will mentally ill, depressed out of my mind, numb as all hell, withering away but completely and entirely free to be myself. act out, lash out, scream, cry, crawl, hiss, flail, fail, growl do it all **** what anyone thinks i'll do as i want. i'll be me. that's it.

46

there are only two genders trans is not real are you a boy now? i would be open to experiment, though you need to have your brain checked what are you? unsolved. i am unsolved. an unsolved puzzle, equation, mystery, rubik's cube, mirage, the horizon. everything you can't figure out at first glance, something you have to squint at to understand. but i don't need solving, i don't need understanding, i don't need to keep explaining. i am me, i am unsolved, and i am happy.

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Apr 4, 2020

Apr 4, 2020 at 2:17 PM UTC

unsolved

there are only two genders trans is not real are you a boy now? i would be open to experiment, though you need to have your brain checked what are you? unsolved. i am unsolved. an unsolved puzzle, equation, mystery, rubik's cube, mirage, the horizon. everything you can't figure out at first glance, something you have to squint at to understand. but i don't need solving, i don't need understanding, i don't need to keep explaining. i am me, i am unsolved, and i am happy.

22

i don't remember the name of your city anymore. just that it's 4,483 miles away and i sent you my sweater in the post four... five years ago. for seven months we were each others' shoulder to lean on, had each others' arms to fall into, eyes to get lost inside. i still remember the way you'd hide your face in your hands every time i looked at you for a second too long through the blurry webcam. i still hear your giggle and the way you'd ask why i look at you like that, and the way i'd say it's because i was in love with you. the way you'd say 'i love you' and i'd say it back. it's been years since i wrote about you. the last time i did, i wondered if either of us fell off the face of the earth, would we ever know? and tonight, i write this with a smile, a little bit of pain and regret, and my mind going what if, what if, what if. you showed me what love means even across continents, even though we knew we'd never really be able to hold each other, even though we knew it would end. distance. it's what brought us together, what set us apart, and what finally broke our hearts.

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Apr 3, 2020

Apr 3, 2020 at 12:59 PM UTC

distance

i don't remember the name of your city anymore. just that it's 4,483 miles away and i sent you my sweater in the post four... five years ago. for seven months we were each others' shoulder to lean on, had each others' arms to fall into, eyes to get lost inside. i still remember the way you'd hide your face in your hands every time i looked at you for a second too long through the blurry webcam. i still hear your giggle and the way you'd ask why i look at you like that, and the way i'd say it's because i was in love with you. the way you'd say 'i love you' and i'd say it back. it's been years since i wrote about you. the last time i did, i wondered if either of us fell off the face of the earth, would we ever know? and tonight, i write this with a smile, a little bit of pain and regret, and my mind going what if, what if, what if. you showed me what love means even across continents, even though we knew we'd never really be able to hold each other, even though we knew it would end. distance. it's what brought us together, what set us apart, and what finally broke our hearts.

24

you are electric blue, charged up, wreaking havoc like there's no tomorrow. you are fiery red, up in flames, resisting change, can't keep a straight face. you are blood orange, smiling through the pain, a cheshire cat stare. and you are sunset yellow, soft and kind - the warm embrace of a lover. you are a stroke of violet, taking life as it comes, slow, unwavering. you are the pink of cheeks that blush, a slow dance in the kitchen at midnight. you are starry night black, flawed and beautiful and eternal. you are green swiveled into white, serene, calm, still. you are the full spectrum. so do your dance and paint every empty canvas with your palette a different pattern every time - this is why you are alive.

0

Apr 2, 2020

Apr 2, 2020 at 7:17 AM UTC

personified colours

you are electric blue, charged up, wreaking havoc like there's no tomorrow. you are fiery red, up in flames, resisting change, can't keep a straight face. you are blood orange, smiling through the pain, a cheshire cat stare. and you are sunset yellow, soft and kind - the warm embrace of a lover. you are a stroke of violet, taking life as it comes, slow, unwavering. you are the pink of cheeks that blush, a slow dance in the kitchen at midnight. you are starry night black, flawed and beautiful and eternal. you are green swiveled into white, serene, calm, still. you are the full spectrum. so do your dance and paint every empty canvas with your palette a different pattern every time - this is why you are alive.

24

to heal is to rage to heal is to be confused to heal is to feel the wrath of sorrow and how it can turn a smile sour for seemingly ever. it will be ages before you go gently into that good night spending dusk to dawn wondering wondering why and wondering how how you let something so precious break between your fingers that were holding it so soft, so dear a broken videotape in your mind replaying replaying replaying every time you could have done something, said something different but didn't. healing is cruel, tearing every fibre out with no mercy - you are unlearning unlearning and relearning over and over again and surely enough, you're back on your feet, feeling ready to take the world on one more time. but somewhere you start to stack bricks around your heart hoping it will hurt less the next time around (secretly hoping there won't be a next time around) and maybe it'll work, maybe it won't but every time something slips through your hands, the panic while it hits the ground and breaks into a thousand pieces remains, no matter how gentle you are or how much you care.

0

Mar 31, 2020

Mar 31, 2020 at 11:02 PM UTC

gentle

to heal is to rage to heal is to be confused to heal is to feel the wrath of sorrow and how it can turn a smile sour for seemingly ever. it will be ages before you go gently into that good night spending dusk to dawn wondering wondering why and wondering how how you let something so precious break between your fingers that were holding it so soft, so dear a broken videotape in your mind replaying replaying replaying every time you could have done something, said something different but didn't. healing is cruel, tearing every fibre out with no mercy - you are unlearning unlearning and relearning over and over again and surely enough, you're back on your feet, feeling ready to take the world on one more time. but somewhere you start to stack bricks around your heart hoping it will hurt less the next time around (secretly hoping there won't be a next time around) and maybe it'll work, maybe it won't but every time something slips through your hands, the panic while it hits the ground and breaks into a thousand pieces remains, no matter how gentle you are or how much you care.

15

with you i learnt that home is not just made of rooms and four walls // that family does not begin and end with whose blood i share or where i come from // that comfort is not found in just the pillows i rest my head on // that the skies turn pink and shades of blue somewhere in the world everytime i think of you // that even though the tides ebb and flow, high and low, my love never wavers // that when the clouds start to cry, it's because i miss you i miss you i miss you // that when flowers bloom tomorrow, you're telling me you miss me too // that even if the earth breaks open and we all die, through our last breaths we'll smile, we'll just smile / and we'll know that although our bodies fall apart, the stardust in our souls will always know their paths / so that someday when the universe is reborn, my dear, we'll find our way back to each other // love. - sasha r.

0

Apr 23, 2019

Apr 23, 2019 at 2:42 PM UTC

seven.

with you i learnt that home is not just made of rooms and four walls // that family does not begin and end with whose blood i share or where i come from // that comfort is not found in just the pillows i rest my head on // that the skies turn pink and shades of blue somewhere in the world everytime i think of you // that even though the tides ebb and flow, high and low, my love never wavers // that when the clouds start to cry, it's because i miss you i miss you i miss you // that when flowers bloom tomorrow, you're telling me you miss me too // that even if the earth breaks open and we all die, through our last breaths we'll smile, we'll just smile / and we'll know that although our bodies fall apart, the stardust in our souls will always know their paths / so that someday when the universe is reborn, my dear, we'll find our way back to each other // love. - sasha r.

2

when you open your eyes i see vast space where your thoughts flail like leaves on a windy day when you begin to speak i hear and old soul with a lingering passion to go on, move on, what next your words burn me like a cigarette on raw skin they pierce through me like a thousand icebergs all at once and when you try letting go and becoming someone else i beg for you to return and wrap me once again with poetry and prose cuss words and all you are all the oceans and galaxies the whole universe and what's beyond it baby you could be the hope for all posterity

0

Mar 8, 2019

Mar 8, 2019 at 10:03 AM UTC

myg

when you open your eyes i see vast space where your thoughts flail like leaves on a windy day when you begin to speak i hear and old soul with a lingering passion to go on, move on, what next your words burn me like a cigarette on raw skin they pierce through me like a thousand icebergs all at once and when you try letting go and becoming someone else i beg for you to return and wrap me once again with poetry and prose cuss words and all you are all the oceans and galaxies the whole universe and what's beyond it baby you could be the hope for all posterity

24

you're gone and the wreckage ensues you're gone and the heartache continues you're gone and you're never coming back i miss you. because when you're dying, your body is tired of fighting for you, fighting with you. the internal monologue is coming to an end now it's getting dark now eyes closing now mind quiet now. still life no life broken whispers, shivers i have to go now i have to go now i have to go now

0

Mar 7, 2019

Mar 7, 2019 at 2:52 AM UTC

goodbye

you're gone and the wreckage ensues you're gone and the heartache continues you're gone and you're never coming back i miss you. because when you're dying, your body is tired of fighting for you, fighting with you. the internal monologue is coming to an end now it's getting dark now eyes closing now mind quiet now. still life no life broken whispers, shivers i have to go now i have to go now i have to go now

23

a handful of air separates us, and i'm trying to bottoms up the nerves. there's no prelude, no warning - i'm just a sober drunk. it's been two thousand days since i felt this way, and i don't know what to do, because i always **** it up. do i force it to go away? or do i let it stay a while? what can i say that'll wash my anxieties away? maybe you'll say something, but can i wait? can i wait until the waves are up to my head? can i bear the weight of uncertainty? can i withstand handful after handful of air until there's only a pinch of it left? can my eyes stay open every time you glow so bright? can i keep my lips from trembling every time you're near? can i stop my mind from going hazy? and can i judge the intensity of things are they too fast are they too slow too much too less too much talking too much rambling too much waiting too much hoping too much too much too much. maybe i can't. and maybe you can't either

0

Dec 12, 2018

Dec 12, 2018 at 2:24 PM UTC

nuances

a handful of air separates us, and i'm trying to bottoms up the nerves. there's no prelude, no warning - i'm just a sober drunk. it's been two thousand days since i felt this way, and i don't know what to do, because i always **** it up. do i force it to go away? or do i let it stay a while? what can i say that'll wash my anxieties away? maybe you'll say something, but can i wait? can i wait until the waves are up to my head? can i bear the weight of uncertainty? can i withstand handful after handful of air until there's only a pinch of it left? can my eyes stay open every time you glow so bright? can i keep my lips from trembling every time you're near? can i stop my mind from going hazy? and can i judge the intensity of things are they too fast are they too slow too much too less too much talking too much rambling too much waiting too much hoping too much too much too much. maybe i can't. and maybe you can't either

22

I have never had a valentine. Yes, I had that one guy, that one time But to him, it was just a A valenti---- don't really love you kinda love. A valenti---- wish it wasn't you kinda love. And to me, it was a Valenti---- really don't think I'm straight kinda love. Valenti---- am SO uncomfortable, get me outta here kinda love. I have never had a valentine, Yes, I had that one girl, that one time, But we were miles away from each other. 4,483 to be exact. With her I felt great For a while Like a candle At the end of its life You can see the waltzing flame meet the quiet of night Midnight Should I stay up kinda night Skype call kinda night I love you but... I gotta go... kinda night. I have never had a Valentine And it's not because he didn't care enough Or she wasn't close enough. I've never had a Valentine because I'm either too much or just not enough I'm insecure, so insecure of the way I talk, the way I walk, the way these two strands of hair stick out, the way this one tooth just doesn't stay in line, the child inside me made entirely of antidepressants and fries, the truths, the lies, the incessant goodbyes. I've never had a Valentine and I'm lonely As hell I'm so lonely I'll fall in love before you blink, I'll pick you up when you're standing still, I'll spin you around like I finally made up my mind to do the laundry I'll kiss you good morning and I'll kiss you goodnight Tonight Tomorrow Maybe forever. You see this is my problem. This passion This raging forest fire of emotions This racing broken heart of haunted suspicions. You aren't perfection You're my perfection. In my dictionary, your name is scrawled into the definition of every positive adjective, every beautiful noun, everything that's not a frown. You see when I imagine my valentine, I see stars in the sky As cliché as that sounds, I see stars in the sky and her nose perfectly aligning with the moonlight, Her eyes slightly unsure whether to meet mine Her lips lightly quivering with her gaze falling on mine Her fingers slowly inching up to the tips of mine Her smile faintly turning into a garden of lullabies The place I go to mourn my goodbyes and watch the sun rise. When I think of my Valentine, I hear her laugh turning into a snort, laughing even louder, her cheeks turning red, tears in her eyes. And I laugh along, falling in love with every crinkle by her eyes, just hoping she's not dying inside. Just hoping she's not just pretending to love me tonight. Praying she believes we're more than just alright. I've never had a Valentine, But I'm hoping I'm really ******* hoping Somewhere in this crowd I might have changed your mind.

0

Feb 15, 2018

Feb 15, 2018 at 11:09 PM UTC

someone on my mind

I have never had a valentine. Yes, I had that one guy, that one time But to him, it was just a A valenti---- don't really love you kinda love. A valenti---- wish it wasn't you kinda love. And to me, it was a Valenti---- really don't think I'm straight kinda love. Valenti---- am SO uncomfortable, get me outta here kinda love. I have never had a valentine, Yes, I had that one girl, that one time, But we were miles away from each other. 4,483 to be exact. With her I felt great For a while Like a candle At the end of its life You can see the waltzing flame meet the quiet of night Midnight Should I stay up kinda night Skype call kinda night I love you but... I gotta go... kinda night. I have never had a Valentine And it's not because he didn't care enough Or she wasn't close enough. I've never had a Valentine because I'm either too much or just not enough I'm insecure, so insecure of the way I talk, the way I walk, the way these two strands of hair stick out, the way this one tooth just doesn't stay in line, the child inside me made entirely of antidepressants and fries, the truths, the lies, the incessant goodbyes. I've never had a Valentine and I'm lonely As hell I'm so lonely I'll fall in love before you blink, I'll pick you up when you're standing still, I'll spin you around like I finally made up my mind to do the laundry I'll kiss you good morning and I'll kiss you goodnight Tonight Tomorrow Maybe forever. You see this is my problem. This passion This raging forest fire of emotions This racing broken heart of haunted suspicions. You aren't perfection You're my perfection. In my dictionary, your name is scrawled into the definition of every positive adjective, every beautiful noun, everything that's not a frown. You see when I imagine my valentine, I see stars in the sky As cliché as that sounds, I see stars in the sky and her nose perfectly aligning with the moonlight, Her eyes slightly unsure whether to meet mine Her lips lightly quivering with her gaze falling on mine Her fingers slowly inching up to the tips of mine Her smile faintly turning into a garden of lullabies The place I go to mourn my goodbyes and watch the sun rise. When I think of my Valentine, I hear her laugh turning into a snort, laughing even louder, her cheeks turning red, tears in her eyes. And I laugh along, falling in love with every crinkle by her eyes, just hoping she's not dying inside. Just hoping she's not just pretending to love me tonight. Praying she believes we're more than just alright. I've never had a Valentine, But I'm hoping I'm really ******* hoping Somewhere in this crowd I might have changed your mind.

59