Sometimes I think of selling pictures of my feet online
Then
I immediately think of the state of my feet;
The state of me.
After conforming to your dress code of black dress shoes and shattered dreams For 11 long years.
For 11 long years
I sat in rows of grey white and black
Perfectly poised in the presence of our educators
Our guardians
Our wardens.
If we deigned to relax,
Laugh,
Breathe,
They would find more to give and give and give
Until we became nothing but frayed nerves
And therapy bills
That should be addressed to our parents
And then I think
I can’t sell pictures of my feet online,
How could I correctly value them
If I don’t correctly value myself?
Sep 30, 2021
Sep 30, 2021 at 2:41 PM UTC
i'm a swindler,
a trickster,
a not-so-great pretender.
i live my life as an imposter
among the scholars that call themselves
my colleagues,
equals.
what achievements? pure luck
what success? just timing
was my effort ever as
earnest
as it could've, should've been?
Jul 6, 2021
Jul 6, 2021 at 1:13 PM UTC
i met love in the 4th grade.
he was a transfer student and
he didn't speak much.
love had a little sister who would check
on him during lunch breaks.
love smiled when we played games
after school with our friends.
love gave the best hugs.
love left at the end of the year without a goodbye only to reenter 7 years later with the same boyish smile, carefree attitude and a confession that created a small room in my heart complete with an armchair, afghan and a small ottoman.
love lit up my world with his words, his smile and his spirit.
love took me back to a time of innocence and trust.
when love left again, he didn't tell me he was moving out.
love set fire to the room, the memories, and all the promises love made.
love gave me reason not to trust anyone for a while as love was already months into an affair with his new love.
Jun 5, 2020
Jun 5, 2020 at 6:35 PM UTC
who is this?
I didn't care enough
to save your number
or even our most recent texts.
who is this?
I have forgotten you
because there was
nothing worth
remembering.
who is this?
a text lights up the
screen and all I see is
a series of 10 digits
that spark no memory.
who is this?
my least favorite message
from anyone
especially
you.
Feb 1, 2020
Feb 1, 2020 at 5:46 PM UTC
blue eyes
green eyes
blue-green orbs
in the early morning light.
and a smile so small
i could easily dismiss it
if it didn’t curl my toes in the best way.
both peer into my soul and i stare back
caught.
captured.
enamored.
i feel your fingers in my hair
and i can feel myself doing the same.
our legs tangle in a
comfortable mess
and we sink into
the warmth
of each other.
Jan 16, 2020
Jan 16, 2020 at 2:19 AM UTC
its one of my favorite days of the year.
in order:
my birthday
my mom's birthday
Christmas
June 9th
thank you
for my introduction
to love
for selflessness and friendship
for letting me know that love
should not
come with conditions
for carrying my tennis racket
after practice and
waiting for my bus with me
for loving conversations about
the universe and life.
i'll never forget my first love.
thank you.
Nov 11, 2019
Nov 11, 2019 at 9:58 PM UTC
I’m sorry that you were a pleasure to have in class
And that you were
Quiet
That you didn’t understand simple
Social cues and that you
We’re stunted
But that you don’t know it yet.
I’m sorry that while in college you
Had the social skills of a
High schooler
And that you probably will
Never catch up
Socially.
So you act more mature.
I’m sorry you’ve had to overcompensate
In every aspect of your life
Just so you could feel
Normal.
And most of all
I’m sorry that you
Will find out in the worst possible way
How extraordinarily average
You really are.
Aug 31, 2019
Aug 31, 2019 at 12:17 PM UTC
in the air you
breathe.
the lights
you see at
night in the
skies and eyes
of the people you love.
and i feel your pain,
when the hiccups
come,
and the lights
dim.
but they come back
i promise.
they come back brighter
when you look
for a reason to see it.
i feel it.
joy.
Jun 14, 2019
Jun 14, 2019 at 10:55 PM UTC
you only want me
around
when you need me,
when the keepers
of your company
are busy.
you only want me
if i can help
you
move forward in
life and other aspects.
so forgive me
for not knowing how
your life has changed
when i was
not
invited to see it.
Jun 12, 2019
Jun 12, 2019 at 6:48 PM UTC
you don't look sick
you don't look like your entire world has been
falling apart for years
and you're only holding on by a thread.
you don't look like you cry yourself to
sleep every Sunday at 4 pm
when no one else is home.
you don't look like you've been
ignored by your friends and family
because they can't deal with someone
else's feelings and problems right now.
you don't look like you've
been in bed for four days straight,
haven't showered or brushed your teeth because
what would be the point when you have
no inclination to even leave your house.
you don't look sick.
that's the sickest thing you can say.
because i don't have a physical handicap
that society has associated with all sick people.
because you don't see the days when i just stare
at a blank wall because there is nothing
nothing and no one that interests me.
and don't get me wrong.
i love you all.
i just have no support from you
because you don't see my illness and
you can't be bothered.
it's fine.
so i hide it further
until i can't anymore
and i find help and support
because i don't want to do it alone
Jun 12, 2019
Jun 12, 2019 at 3:40 AM UTC