you don't get better on the days where you feel like going,
you get better on the days you don't want to go,
but you go anyways,
overcoming the negativity from a tired body,
or an unmotivated mind,
you will get better.
it won't be the best thing you've ever done,
you won't accomplish as much as you would when you feel good,
but it doesn't matter.
growth and healing is a game that we all play,
and the ****** days are very important.
Apr 12, 2021
Apr 12, 2021 at 11:10 PM UTC
i don't know how i'm supposed to do this* on my own
this is: learning how to kiss no one goodnight,
leaning how to not sabotage relationships because suddenly i feel exposed.
* life in general
Apr 12, 2021
Apr 12, 2021 at 11:09 PM UTC
mum smiles as she offers a cube of sugar from her upturned palm,
greedily, of course i accept it.
salt.
there are some mums that warn you to never (ever, ever) touch a hot stove top,
and there's ones that throw you right into it and ask why you're so afraid of fire.
this is what abuse is.
knowing you're going to get salt, but still hoping for sugar after twenty-one years.
i still have a stomach ache.
i hope at some point in this lifetime you can find it in you to look at the woman i have become properly, in spite of you, and feel proud.
when you're taught to see the world through nothing but fire, nothing feels safe.
- here's to still hoping for sugar instead of salt.
May 23, 2020
May 23, 2020 at 12:06 AM UTC
they say you usually end up with someone just like your father,
which is kind of ironic,
seeing as you always showed up.
you were 3,000 km away and you still managed to show up everyday,
with a little more love,
a little more strength,
a little more courage than you had the day before.
apparently you weren't unavailable enough,
flightily enough,
you didn't let me down enough.
May 23, 2020
May 23, 2020 at 12:04 AM UTC
i am noticing that the things that make me anxious are the things i wasn't allowed to do as a child
- ask for help
- slow down
- make mistakes
- need attention
May 23, 2020
May 23, 2020 at 12:00 AM UTC
one of the hardest things i ever had to admit to myself was that during my most fragile years, i allowed others to treat me the same way that i treated myself (lack of self-worth stains everything the colour of itself)
the only person i ever lost and needed was myself.
May 21, 2020
May 21, 2020 at 1:24 AM UTC
your parents.
you have your mothers' eyes,
your father's tendency to never call back.
her stubbornness,
his indecisiveness.
her strength,
his lack thereof.
you are not your parents.
scream if it helps.
May 21, 2020
May 21, 2020 at 1:19 AM UTC
a child version of you holding a map of outdated versions of yourself saying,"there, right there, that's where you lost the war with yourself."
May 21, 2020
May 21, 2020 at 1:15 AM UTC
there will be days
where your very own breathing is exhausting, the four walls of your bedroom the only safe space.
days where the world doesn't accept you,
you were not meant for this life.
living, breathing, screaming epiphanies that the world would be a much greater place without you in it.
for so long, i was in a place with no sun.
the smell of day old liquor and blame,
a mother so broke within her addiction and self-destruct she's not even whole anymore.
you were only 9.
here, there were no flowers.
growing up was a nightmare- the coming, the going, the always going.
dropping everything and leaving is her strong suit.
the baby brother you felt you had to protect,
the questions.
"why are you always so tired".
the predisposition to the dark entity making a home inside of you was called for.
years plagued with lost innocence and trust issues.
no fight in the whole **** world left in you, but carrying on anyway.
but, every once in awhile, out of the darkness, would emerg something you loved that'd bring you to life again.
small joys- a candy sky, laughs with a friend, all the universe's way of sending tiny glimmers of hope. strength to continue.
faith in the words, "this too shall pass".
living is difficult, and living is difficult for everybody.
but it is in these moments of turmoil that we cannot succumb to the bad days, bad months, or bad years.
healing, loving, and growing through these hardships is easy to say, but hard to surmount to.
it is struggling, two steps forward and one step back.
again, and again, and again.
it's trial. it's error. it's trial again. it's more error.
it's holding on to the small hopes. not allowing our hearts to grow cold. having the courage to continue. choosing the carry on.
i find my strength in the bodies of water much larger than i am.
it's in family. blood or chosen.
it's sunrises.
sunsets.
falling in love.
with people or places.
kind strangers.
it's realizing you've started dancing again.
its healing, loving, and growing through this tough life.
as long as we are breathing, we must keep dancing.
May 21, 2020
May 21, 2020 at 1:07 AM UTC
white-walled ER at 3 a.m., so silent despite muffled groans and the lady in the room next to yours with auditory hallucinations, you could've almost heard mum when she broke.
morphine does funny things to people.
the doctor thinks she fakes the pain,
write "broken goods" on her chart.
she's in a million little pieces,
i think but never say.
words never come out the way i'd like them to.
show me what's damaged and why.
childhood was not pink dresses or blueberry pancakes,
it's mum dancing, yes, metaphorically.
her head filled with so much fairy dust and abandonment issues.
a body so filled with self-destruct it asks your depression if its dark enough for you.
slurred words and confessions,
the morphine or your mother talking?
bedtime stories composed of her last words being "more please"
somebody teach me how to forgive myself for not being able to save everybody.
May 21, 2020
May 21, 2020 at 12:59 AM UTC