Abandoned,
Stranded on my own,
The pressure kept building,
The floodwaters rose,
You went and left me on my own,
Fled this mortal coil,
Now I'm broken, rust eternal,
I'm corroding in my mind,
You ******* left me stranded,
I might have done the same,
But this life held me like a briar,
Hooked into my flesh,
I could never escape,
Though the hooks are falling out,
Rotten just as I,
Never could come soon,
I'm doing in with doubt,
I'm scared for my friends,
Terrified for Family,
This thing that I could do,
The same as done to me,
You ******* left me,
Went without a word,
I told you I cared,
A brother you were,
To more than your blood,
A brother to me,
Tears came as a flood,
Now I'm a canyon,
Empty and dry,
I'm ******* empty and the alcohol isn't enough anymore,
All of these memories,
Would I be better without?
I miss you so much,
So very ******* much,
I ask why but you could never answer,
I can't answer,
All I can say is I'm fine and I'm not,
I lie with a smile,
I hide all the rot.
Jun 12, 2017
Jun 12, 2017 at 1:00 PM UTC
We pass like strangers
Days grow longer
I just want her
I just want her
To notice me
For her to see
Does she not wander
Does she not wander
From the status quo
The routine flow
The usual
The usual
We pass like strangers
The days grow darker
I just want her
I just want her
Mar 5, 2017
Mar 5, 2017 at 10:33 AM UTC
That forgotten ache, that bruise faded yet still sore to the touch, the shoulder that was never quite right after the fall from that tree...
You are none of these things, no, you are a knife in my side, exactly where I pulled out the one I put there two years ago, you're my hand on the stove top, held stubbornly until the heat is too much to bare, you're the insides of my cheeks torn to shreds by my own teeth to keep me from voicing my thoughts.
You're memories I buried,
Concrete confidence and steel-infused smiles,
Structurally unsound with your sudden excavation.
You're my knuckles, ****** and raw, striking concrete again and again and again and again and again... And a few times more.
You're nights spent stirring, shifting, sleepless.
********* you're a ghost!
You're a clouds shadow!
You're nothing, a name and little more!
...and yet you're a face.
A face I forgot to forget, a face I saw today, after two years and... you're still beautiful, you're so beautiful and I hate you for it!
I saw you and I almost smiled, I almost smiled until you looked straight ahead, avoiding me with your eyes, blank-faced and silent, like looking at me would cost you, I wonder what the cost would be...
I hate that I wish you'd payed it.
So here I am, two years on and my first sight of you since...
A sighting and I'm back writing poems about you once again, how cheap the accommodation of my mind.
Aug 21, 2015
Aug 21, 2015 at 9:04 PM UTC
Because you kicked and you screamed,
And you cried and you pleaded,
To meet the Reaper.
Yes you cut and you stabbed,
Swallowed pills until you gagged,
Just to try to meet the Reaper.
You even hung from a rope,
But then it broke, what a joke,
You just want to meet the Reaper.
Closed your eyes, fell three floors,
Broke your feet and nothing more,
You're dying to meet the Reaper.
You shot yourself in the head,
Yet you're still not ******* dead!
Why can't you meet the Reaper.
How you long for an end,
Suicide, your favourite trend,
Life decided you're a keeper.
Now you're grey, what can I say,
Death could come any day,
But you don't want to meet the Reaper.
Lived a life, plagued by strife,
Now you sleep with a knife,
Just in case you meet the Reaper.
Jul 19, 2015
Jul 19, 2015 at 5:51 AM UTC
I've been thinking, I've spent a lot of time thinking, and after a certain length of time I found myself sinking, these thoughts, you see, well they plagued me, held me captive every night till I thought I'd go crazy, but then the thoughts took on a different shade, no longer was it hard for me, was it hard to see, the sun rose and and with it came light, like somebody finally repaired that broken wire, and my mind came to life in an explosion of electric fire as my spirit soared above the darkness that I had known for so long, I began thinking not of what I could not achieve but rather what those amazing people who had been subjected to so little faith had managed to accomplish, and those thoughts sent tremors through my brain as I saw the endless capabilities existence has to offer, I thought how lone planets, existing in utter solitude survived without a sun to keep them warm but just as suddenly as the sun rose it dipped below the horizon once more and left me consumed in the darkness of my mind. Blood is that fragile scarlet tree we carry within us and too many times have my thoughts led to tearing off the leaves, the mind is not a vessel to be filled, but a fire to be kindled and I fear that it has been treated like the former in such magnitude that I may never find a breeze with which to fan the dying embers to aflame and my days would be dark forevermore and it's times like these that I lie awake through the dark hours of night and my eyes suivez la lune as it chases the sun, reaching for that unreachable light oblivious to the fact it casts it's own, and as I bathe in that ethereal glow, my shadow whispers, "you'll find no sanctum in the light" and I shiver,
What good is light when it no longer holds the darkness at bay? What good is a shield that offers no protection, there is nowhere left to hide and I'm sinking beneath this tide of mixed emotions, my breath floating to the surface as I sink deeper in the depths of my despair, I'm drowning...
May 25, 2015
May 25, 2015 at 4:50 AM UTC
Confusion has taken up residence within my mind of late,
An uncertainty, certainly,
Like a crossroads with no signpost,
I'm unsure of where to go,
Where I'm going,
...once, going twice and gone to the gentleman in the tan suit flanked by white-clad orderlies,
Gone with the wind,
My life is a mosaic of mistakes,
Beautiful for some to behold, but broken none the less,
My heart hasn't skipped a beat but I've skipped my last few appointments,
I'm addicted to shortcuts leading nowhere fast,
Getting ahead at lagging behind,
I'm... Afraid.
Too much empty space and yet no room to think,
I'm howling but you wouldn't hear a sound if you cared enough to listen,
Nor see a ripple upon the surface of the lake you used to swim in,
You see what you have to see,
What I have to show you,
You see a constantly constructed façade of smiles, of laughter,
Of everything that constitutes being "okay"
You don't see the jagged edges,
My hands are torn and ****** from holding it in place,
Still, scratched palms are nothing to keep you in the dark,
Or rather, out of it,
I suffer this alone, I endure this alone,
I stand alone
...and I fall alone,
And as I meet the ground, I fragment,
To once again piece myself together,
I wonder when the cracks will show...
Apr 6, 2015
Apr 6, 2015 at 10:49 PM UTC
A fool is he that shares his bed with the fear in his head,
My choices weigh my down, like cement shoes they pull me under the ever rising tide of self-loathing that constantly threatens to drown me.
Why do I feel such hatred for those eyes in the mirror, I can only stare for so long lest the urge to put my head through the reflective pane become too much.
It is a fire.
It burns within me, this anger, this disgust.
The shadows sing quietly so as no one else can hear.
Whisper abuse, taunting,
I am weak, hopeless and predictable,
As always, I rise to the bait.
Shackled, bound, as much a prisoner as any convict rotting behind bars,
I waste away within my mind.
I'll lash out at you!
I will...
Can't stop till I've had my fill,
I starve for blood and my own will do,
I hate that I want to hate you,
I hate that I fall short of the mark,
I hate and I hate and I hate,
Until I'm completely lost in the dark...
I'll **** your demons,
Knowing you can't **** mine,
And when asked if I'm okay,
I'll respond with "I'm fine",
I'm not your burden,
Though I may be your friend,
Put the pressure on and I'll break before I bend.
Apr 6, 2015
Apr 6, 2015 at 10:35 PM UTC
Peace is giving,
Fading,
Quenched by the patient black,
As always I had thought myself free,
A bird released from its cage into a room with no windows,
Free for the moment,
Imprisoned the next,
Clipped wings and a silent song,
At least you'd think so...
I'm plagued by fake smiles and false promises, thought poor because I can't quite pay attention,
Maybe if you'd pay attention to me we could share in the wealth of each other,
...But I'm not quite worth your time.
I breathed in the idea,
Like smoke it filled my lungs,
Killed me slowly,
Stripped away skin,
Diluted flesh...
I'd tell you how I feel,
But all I feel is cheated,
And your attention is like a sigh,
A gust of wind strong enough to send yesterday's newspaper to the bottom of the bin,
I'm old news,
And I never made the front page,
And you don't even read the paper.
Yesterday's absence is a tribute to you,
A sly reference to your biggest punchline,
You punch like Mike-fucking-Tyson,
Your apathy a clenched fist,
Striking my ribs and leaving me breathless,
I never was any good at boxing,
And I could never take a swing at you.
I'm down for the count,
Because you can count on me,
And the same can't be said of you,
Because I take hit after hit after hit after hit after hit after hit after hit after hit afteeeeer hit... and then I take a few more,
Because I can't stop thinking,
Because the last guy ****** you over and I don't want to be the last guy to the next me.
You're not my experience, no, I am yours,
I was a new jacket that got old far too quickly,
A cigarette smoked because, **** who doesn't smoke these days?
I am and only ever was... Temporary.
That tree we carved our initials into was cut down to make room for a ******* liquor store,
An ironic twist, an easy fix,
I was only ever a distraction,
Another bottle,
You dropped me just to see if Id break...
And I did.
Your knuckles still knock the wind from me every time I'm overlooked,
Still graze my cheeks with every impatient sigh,
You still punch like Mike-fucking-Tyson.
Apr 6, 2015
Apr 6, 2015 at 10:14 PM UTC
I can't tell whether I'm sorry or just ******
The only thing I know is that I surely won't be missed,
At least not by you dad, at least not by you,
And hell ain't it sad that all I ever seem to do
Is disappoint you time and again,
Always just a failure, a boy amongst men,
Forever looked down on from you so high above,
All I ever wanted was my fathers love, I heard those words maybe once, maybe twice,
"I'm proud of you son"
They gripped my heart like a vice,
But those days are past and mine are now numbered,
I'm sorry I couldn't be the son that you'd always wanted...
I wonder do you hate me? I think I might hate you,
But it's not your fault, I know that to be true,
As I know that my bloods red and my feelings are a kaleidoscope of blue,
I fell when you pushed me, where the son you wanted would have flew,
And I'm so sincerely sorry I ever did this to you...
I wonder if you'll visit me, when I am just a gravestone,
I don't hold out much hope, it was never really my home,
I was just a stranger, you didn't care to know,
And despite how much I wish you would I never once let it show...
I'm gonna wrap this up 'coz I hear your car on the driveway,
A good thing too as I'm almost out of things to say,
I don't know what's next, I'm a doubtful atheist,
I guess It'd be a waste of time if I prayed to a god that don't exist...
Mar 24, 2015
Mar 24, 2015 at 12:53 AM UTC
True to my nature I ****** up,
I gave in to my lesser desires, I gave up common sense.
I gave to the tide,
I went under.
As though in quicksand I sunk,
Thrashing,
Death throes.
I'm grasping at straws,
At snapped telephone wires,
Pulse distortion,
Just a touch away,
It's beckoning,
And oh so appealing.
What I wouldn't do for a little peace of mind.
Shocking!
Isn't it?
The attraction of interaction,
The constant presence or lack there of,
The desire, the distance...
Unsure of my footing I falter,
A newborn lamb, learning to hold it's own weight,
An adolescent, still learning.
Where did I go wrong?
How do I go right?
What option have I left?
Forever fearful,
Of what's beneath the bed,
Of what's in my head.
Are you leaving?
There's not much left to leave,
Running out of patience,
Running,
Nowhere to go,
Can't stop,
Can't stand,
Falling...
You are a sore thumb,
Pressed hard against my eye,
You blind me,
Unique in your affect,
Your image,
Branding,
Thoughts of you linger,
Ink stained fingers brush my eyelids,
And ink stains them still,
I see you in my sleep...
There aren't enough crystals in the world to cleanse this mind,
Nor enough bandages to keep the skin on these knuckles,
There isn't enough sugar to hide the bitter taste in this mouth,
There isn't enough,
This life is lacking...
Mar 24, 2015
Mar 24, 2015 at 12:43 AM UTC