samara-cf - Hello Poetry

When I was young I promised myself that when I grew up and got hot, If I ever got cat-called, I would react. I would scream, Kick the bumper of their car, Throw my overpriced drink in their face, Be angry be ****** Take no **** from anyone who dared to look at me. I grew up. I'm not hot, I'm okay enough to look at, Okay enough to earn the attention of two middle aged children in a ****** silver four door car. I promised myself I would react. I froze. Took another faulty step Felt my ankle struggle under the weight The ends of my pants brushing my toes Blood rising to my face. Not a blush. I was not flattered. An inferno. My mind in flames. The heat trapped by my mouth Glued shut by $20 lipstick from a brand owned by someone who hates what I am. Didn't I promise myself? I didn't react. Hardly moved a muscle. Too slow to even furrow my manicured eyebrows in rage. I know now That the world will always be cruel. And the world will always think I'm Hot Beautiful **** Cute Attractive So what good is having my own pretty face When everyone else thinks that it's theirs? Nobody will ever own me Not even myself.

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Jul 7, 2017

Jul 7, 2017 at 8:38 PM UTC

men in cars

When I was young I promised myself that when I grew up and got hot, If I ever got cat-called, I would react. I would scream, Kick the bumper of their car, Throw my overpriced drink in their face, Be angry be ****** Take no **** from anyone who dared to look at me. I grew up. I'm not hot, I'm okay enough to look at, Okay enough to earn the attention of two middle aged children in a ****** silver four door car. I promised myself I would react. I froze. Took another faulty step Felt my ankle struggle under the weight The ends of my pants brushing my toes Blood rising to my face. Not a blush. I was not flattered. An inferno. My mind in flames. The heat trapped by my mouth Glued shut by $20 lipstick from a brand owned by someone who hates what I am. Didn't I promise myself? I didn't react. Hardly moved a muscle. Too slow to even furrow my manicured eyebrows in rage. I know now That the world will always be cruel. And the world will always think I'm Hot Beautiful **** Cute Attractive So what good is having my own pretty face When everyone else thinks that it's theirs? Nobody will ever own me Not even myself.

40

Don't leave. I'm tired, I just wanted to lie in bed and know that you're next to me. You left. I'm alone, I might as well always be. The only company is my aching bones and my fractured heart. I don't know why I was built this way. Broken from the start, doomed from my first labored breath. But all I have is this curse, This constant overwhelming feeling of a l o n e. I feel less alone with you. More alone with them. But it's always somewhere, The feeling with claws Used to climb up my throat Slice into and manipulate my vocal cords. "Don't leave." I'll be fine alone, maybe I should be. But the feeling's teeth and claws are too deep into my flesh. I need you. And the feeling says that you don't need me.

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Jul 1, 2017

Jul 1, 2017 at 7:35 PM UTC

The feeling with the sharp teeth

Don't leave. I'm tired, I just wanted to lie in bed and know that you're next to me. You left. I'm alone, I might as well always be. The only company is my aching bones and my fractured heart. I don't know why I was built this way. Broken from the start, doomed from my first labored breath. But all I have is this curse, This constant overwhelming feeling of a l o n e. I feel less alone with you. More alone with them. But it's always somewhere, The feeling with claws Used to climb up my throat Slice into and manipulate my vocal cords. "Don't leave." I'll be fine alone, maybe I should be. But the feeling's teeth and claws are too deep into my flesh. I need you. And the feeling says that you don't need me.

21

You walked in. Shocked of course, What mother wouldn't be? Even a step mother at that. But still, you left. Closed the door behind you After you shook my hand "My name is Sam" "Nice to meet you." I wish you had said something. Said you don't allow ****** in your house. Told me to get out and never come back. Forbade him to ever see me again. Screamed at him for bringing me here. But you didn't. You just, left. Didn't you see? See the way I jumped across the room The first moment his grip on my arm slacked. How his calloused fingers dug into my wrist. The tears, brimming in my black lined eyes. How my muscles, barely there, strained to pull away. "Don't make me do that don't make me do that don't make me do that." I just wanted to go home Didn't you see?

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Jun 9, 2017

Jun 9, 2017 at 12:32 AM UTC

Didn't You See?

You walked in. Shocked of course, What mother wouldn't be? Even a step mother at that. But still, you left. Closed the door behind you After you shook my hand "My name is Sam" "Nice to meet you." I wish you had said something. Said you don't allow ****** in your house. Told me to get out and never come back. Forbade him to ever see me again. Screamed at him for bringing me here. But you didn't. You just, left. Didn't you see? See the way I jumped across the room The first moment his grip on my arm slacked. How his calloused fingers dug into my wrist. The tears, brimming in my black lined eyes. How my muscles, barely there, strained to pull away. "Don't make me do that don't make me do that don't make me do that." I just wanted to go home Didn't you see?

24

it isn't fair i loved too fiercely you loved too openly and I'm the one who was cast out left alone to burn my heart a supernova too many galaxies away for anyone to see for anyone to care about you remain content protected lovable it wasn't your fault somehow i feel like it was mine i dont know who I'm talking to i blame all of you i blame you for being selfish i blame you for being weak i blame you for being the victim i blame myself for caring about any of you i make myself the victim every time but i cared i shut them out it was their fault but you made it mine in some twisted part of your psyche i was to blame his infidelity became my uncaring my sensitivity my loneliness my craving for anyone to love became his controlling nature maple roots wrapping around the stones tied to our feet we’re both sinking we’re both alone somehow more watched than ever and i don't know what happens inside your mind and i don’t mind not knowing it leaves me room to imagine you feeling as alone as i do you feeling more broken than i ever can i dont know if you deserve it i hope i don't

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May 15, 2017

May 15, 2017 at 12:51 PM UTC

J. C. A.

it isn't fair i loved too fiercely you loved too openly and I'm the one who was cast out left alone to burn my heart a supernova too many galaxies away for anyone to see for anyone to care about you remain content protected lovable it wasn't your fault somehow i feel like it was mine i dont know who I'm talking to i blame all of you i blame you for being selfish i blame you for being weak i blame you for being the victim i blame myself for caring about any of you i make myself the victim every time but i cared i shut them out it was their fault but you made it mine in some twisted part of your psyche i was to blame his infidelity became my uncaring my sensitivity my loneliness my craving for anyone to love became his controlling nature maple roots wrapping around the stones tied to our feet we’re both sinking we’re both alone somehow more watched than ever and i don't know what happens inside your mind and i don’t mind not knowing it leaves me room to imagine you feeling as alone as i do you feeling more broken than i ever can i dont know if you deserve it i hope i don't

47

I want to know. Tell me what she felt like under your hands, How soft and beautiful her hair was how she melted under your touch. Tell me about the times she tangled her fingers in your hair, how she made you shake with pleasure. when her mouth tasted like strawberry rolling papers and her cherry stem knotted tongue knew you better than I you tell me, how you thought you loved her come clean a coward and admit you still do. place holders are beautiful and exciting, strange and adventurous and named Sam. place holders are extremes of the dreamers you miss, the green haired, permanently marked in every way the ******* disgusting, used, begging for attention. Don’t say it. tell me she is nothing compared to my beauty she is a waste. do not tear her down to hold me to the standard I crave. how will you speak of me once you've left? how will my flaws be shaped into the pedestal for your next obsession to be held upon she will fall and shatter, her insides spilled over your floor. you won’t have me to clean the stains.

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Jan 23, 2017

Jan 23, 2017 at 8:43 PM UTC

The X's

I want to know. Tell me what she felt like under your hands, How soft and beautiful her hair was how she melted under your touch. Tell me about the times she tangled her fingers in your hair, how she made you shake with pleasure. when her mouth tasted like strawberry rolling papers and her cherry stem knotted tongue knew you better than I you tell me, how you thought you loved her come clean a coward and admit you still do. place holders are beautiful and exciting, strange and adventurous and named Sam. place holders are extremes of the dreamers you miss, the green haired, permanently marked in every way the ******* disgusting, used, begging for attention. Don’t say it. tell me she is nothing compared to my beauty she is a waste. do not tear her down to hold me to the standard I crave. how will you speak of me once you've left? how will my flaws be shaped into the pedestal for your next obsession to be held upon she will fall and shatter, her insides spilled over your floor. you won’t have me to clean the stains.

25