I don’t believe in love at first sight, but something about him made my entire soul relax.
Something about him quieted the chaos inside of me, and reached so far into the core of me and whispered ‘welcome home’.
Almost like my heart had been waiting for him to find me.
This time is different; I’m not waiting for the other shoe to drop.
This time, I’m just letting my soul settle with yours; giving myself the chance to let go of the weight that has been on my shoulders.
Apr 3, 2023
Apr 3, 2023 at 3:08 PM UTC
complicated words tumbled out of your mouth.
words strung together hastily, tripping over themselves.
you grasped my hands, trying to convince me to stay.
my fingers slipped out as I made to walk away.
I didn’t want you; just liked the thought of someone.
I didn’t need you; you were just an anchor so I didn’t drown.
I didn’t want you; just liked the idea of you.
Mar 1, 2022
Mar 1, 2022 at 2:49 PM UTC
only a few days since your birthday passed, the second one I’ve celebrated without you here.
it’s strange, uncharted ground for me to navigate without you standing beside me.
missing you doesn’t get any easier, but it doesn’t get harder, either.
almost like I’ve somehow gathered the strength to stand on my own without feeling like I’ll crumple without help.
my daughter has your smile, and her eyes crinkle the same way yours does.
I pray that she has the same grace as you, and that her kindness and compassion mirrors yours.
I promise she’ll get to know you the same way I did.
she makes me want to live, not just survive.
the same thing you had begged me to do, when your impending passing threatened to destroy every last piece of will I had in my body.
i made it, after two years of rebuilding myself, and not running scared of the strength and solidity I found within.
thank you, for igniting that spark, and for all the years I got to learn how to be balanced and kind.
Feb 5, 2022
Feb 5, 2022 at 12:32 AM UTC
Less than five weeks to go.
Less than five weeks of feeling you stretch and grow in the limited space of my womb.
I can’t wait. I can’t wait to meet you.
Can’t wait for the nights where all you want is me. Can’t wait for the mornings where I’m exhausted from being up all night, but content with baby snuggles.
you were the surprise we didn’t expect, but embraced with open minds and open hearts.
Mom is feeling so tired with the limited mobility she has, but feeling you move has me filled with gratitude.
I wonder if you’ll look like your daddy and have my attitude.
I wonder if you’ll hate shoes as much as I did as a kid.
Oh the possibilities are endless, but so fun to imagine who you’ll turn out to be when you arrive.
Dec 13, 2021
Dec 13, 2021 at 1:19 AM UTC
I lay awake for yet another night;
your tiny feet kicking around, looking for more room.
it’s not uncommon for me to wonder how we got here; two pink lines and a heartbeat.
as I still my hand over my ever growing belly, you eagerly meet mine with your steady growing ones.
and despite the aches and pains of contractions, I lightly push against you, anxious to feel you kick me in return.
and even though some days I can’t move through the pain, I love you more each day.
you’ll never know how excited I am to see you.
sweet girl, oh you are something else; someone bound to move mountains and change the world.
For you, my sweet child, are made for something far bigger and better than I ever was.
Sep 3, 2021
Sep 3, 2021 at 1:20 AM UTC
spring came again, and I find myself wondering how time flies by so fast.
just yesterday it feels like I was holding your hand, and reveling in the time we had left together.
and now, I am left to once again pick up the pieces from the aftermath of a tragedy, one that I couldn't prevent.
losing you was the hardest hit I've taken in years, and it's the one thing that I will never fully recover from.
I don't regret a single moment I spent with you, because those memories are precious and I don't want to forget them.
I spent months being angry and bottling up my feelings because I couldn't comprehend losing you at such a fragile time.
when you said you were ready to go, I couldn't understand the words you were saying.
and it's been almost a year, and I've tried to be patient with myself, just like you advised me to do.
and the sun peeks out every now and then, and I am reminded of how very lucky I was to have you.
Oh how I wish you were here; I think you'd like the way the sun lights up the trees.
Happy spring, you wonderful soul; till we meet again.
Mar 10, 2021
Mar 10, 2021 at 5:36 PM UTC
Flutters. Butterflies when you text me.
Something in your voice pulls me in
Love. This is for real this time.
Hold me tightly and don't let go.
Mar 5, 2021
Mar 5, 2021 at 7:40 PM UTC
I remember when it was easy to talk to you.
when I wasn’t scared to tell you I needed you.
but sometimes I wonder why it’s different now.
why you’re so adamant on being strangers.
I’m not sorry for those years we loved each other.
I’m not sorry for forcing the distance with us.
two strangers who used to be in love.
and it’s coming on three years since I left us.
three years of healing and grief and growth.
and I don’t feel like I’m the same person now.
difference between you and me is stark.
you’ll run if I’m in trouble, that’s obvious here.
but I’ll always be here for when you need me.
old habits may die hard but I call it honesty.
because while you’ve been doing your thing.
I’ve been clearing the air with a man who’s gone.
years fly by and I relish it as time goes by.
we loved each other, everyone knows that.
but I never tarnished your good name.
and at the end of the day, I can’t hate you.
I won’t ruin my checkered history with you.
I’ll keep the good memories to myself.
the rest is, I guess you could say is history.
I sleep fine at night, knowing I was honest.
but darling, can you say the same thing yourself?
Nov 8, 2020
Nov 8, 2020 at 3:25 AM UTC
your name slipped from my mouth. found myself wondering things about you. heard you found someone else. someone who isn’t me. six years came and went. poured all I had into us. just remember, I was there when nobody else was. when people ask about what happened. don’t forget about me. but one could easily say that I didn’t try hard enough. they could say you didn’t do enough. but I slipped from the narrative two years ago. haven’t said your name in years. but I can’t help but wonder who you are. two strangers who used to be in love. your name slipped from my mouth and I couldn’t take it back. while I don’t wonder about us, I don’t erase you from the narrative the same way anymore.
Nov 4, 2020
Nov 4, 2020 at 10:50 PM UTC
it’s a year of firsts without you here. thanksgiving is coming up and you’re. not here.
fall and winter don’t feel. good to enjoy without you. and there’s a hole. deep inside that I’ve tried and tried to fill. but there’s nothing in this world. to fill the hole you left. stared the bottle down. cursed this life a hundred times. I’m quick to anger. quick to run when things get hard. **** good at hiding my pain under something else. christmas isn’t gonna be the same. you should be here. hold a spot at the table just. for you and your kindness. don’t want to. start a new year without you. don’t want to start. a new year without you. all the way across. the country far away. from you and the place I called home. grief is. complicated and messy and circular. I wish. I had gone to your funeral. If not to be. with family. but to say goodbye to you. goodbye to you. words I’ll never be ready to say. you were mine. my world. my north star. the flame that kept my life candle burning. love you more. love you most. miss you till. I see you again.
Oct 29, 2020
Oct 29, 2020 at 6:14 AM UTC