as the empty, humid summer turns to fall
and cool winds start to blow,
I think back to spring,
when I stood on that stage,
exhausted,
with spotlights blinding me,
impairing my view of the audience.
but I could see you sitting there,
smirking,
in the seats closest to stage right.
an empty juice bottle in your hands
filled with recently picked river flowers.
we knew, even then,
at the very start of the adventure we took together,
that this wouldn't be an insignificant moment,
that not one moment between us would be meaningless,
and that not matter how hard we tried to forget them,
these moments would replay in our minds forever,
or at least in mine.
I will never dance on that stage again,
I will never look out to see you smiling at me from the audience.
You will never spend a day picking flowers for me at the river,
I wish you never had in the first place.
Sep 3, 2014
Sep 3, 2014 at 1:20 PM UTC
These days,
when I close my eyes to sleep at night
I see you looking at me
the way you used to look at me,
as if I was the only person around for miles
These days,
when I close my eyes and try to escape this empty world
you're there, smiling
with love reflected in every movement
and tears of joy in your eyes
These days,
when I crawl into bed and press my tear filled eyes shut
you're looking at me with concern
you comfort me, take care of me
kiss my forehead, lips, and neck.
These days,
I don't sleep well at all.
I can't close my eyes without seeing you
I can't sleep without dreaming of you
you're always there, and things are how they were.
But I can't be fooled by my mind.
Aug 21, 2014
Aug 21, 2014 at 3:36 PM UTC
my mom asked me if i'm numb to the bad language in my music
she asked if i choose not to hear it
no, i hear it.
in fact i love it
i think there are more important things to be worried about
Aug 19, 2014
Aug 19, 2014 at 10:53 PM UTC
~When I was 4
my parents left me in a car
in an unfamiliar neighborhood
while they attended a party
because I had fallen asleep
When I awoke
I cried
and went to a strangers house
asking for my mom
they called the cops
it was my fault.
~When I was 7
I got home after school
nobody was home
I waited a little bit
then called my friend's mom
scared, and had them pick me up
When my parents got home
a little bit later
they had been shopping
everything was fine
it was my fault.
~When I was 9
I began to have night terrors
I couldn't sleep
I cried and cried
my dad tried to understand
but there was only so much he could take
he made me sleep alone
upstairs
but I didn't sleep
I was afraid
and it was my fault.
~When I was 11
I found some friends
they were really cool
and I wasn't cool enough for them
they bossed me around
and I bought them ice cream
When my best friend
told me that Janelle was her best friend
not me
I cried, I didn't understand
and it was my fault.
~When I was thirteen
I thought I was in love
though I didn't know loves meaning
I was fooled and tricked
led on and hurt
I was pathetic
and it was my fault.
~When I was 15
I got over my first love
found a boy that was very cute
he said he loved me
and we made love
my first time
and many more followed
but it was all a lie
and mind games began
I believed him
it was my fault.
~When I was 17
I met a boy
whose heart was a diamond
who touched every person he met
he was loved by all
a caring, understanding, trustworthy person
something I had never come across
I took that amazing beautiful thing
the one person that told me
it's not your fault
and ruined it for myself
and it was my fault.
Jun 13, 2014
Jun 13, 2014 at 12:23 AM UTC
well i had to know it was too good to be true
your generous heart
your understanding demeanor
you saw such good in me
but that good that you saw wasn't as good as it seemed
but it was so amazing
for someone that was so amazing
to see something amazing in me
but alas, that isn't me
i'm not as lovely as you believed
Jun 13, 2014
Jun 13, 2014 at 12:09 AM UTC
shades on
looking cool
covering up my red eyes
tears staining my cheeks
yet I sit in the Chevron parking lot talking to people as if nothing is wrong
casually scrolling through my phone, asking people about their plans
as if I care
yeah, I smoked a cigarette today
or at least a couple drags
I thought that it could replace you
but no such luck so I gave it up
I wish for death, but death by smoking takes too long
now you feel gone and I need something to take your place
Jun 13, 2014
Jun 13, 2014 at 12:01 AM UTC
I look over at you as we sit on a seat of metal on the pioneer trail
We say nothing, we avoid eye contact.
The space between us is inevitable although we are forced to be quite close
The light in your eyes is gone and a cold wall is up
A wall too strong for me to break in the state I happened to be in
I wasn't prepared for the distance, but are we ever really ready?
I can't tell if it's the end or if we just hit a bump
And I can't read your face or decipher the meaning behind your vague messages.
All I know is that I am over here and you are worlds away
and that at this moment that is where you want to be.
Not by my side.
Worlds away.
Jun 12, 2014
Jun 12, 2014 at 11:51 PM UTC
I saw a face
on my journey towards self improvement.
This face was a representation,
a sign of hope,
A sign of all the things I am looking for,
within myself and without.
I called out and it answered
without hesitation
with love, understanding, and compassion.
It soothed my nerves
It released my tension
It was the hidden antidote,
the spiritual guide,
the handsome stranger,
The home.
And home is where I hope to remain.
Apr 29, 2014
Apr 29, 2014 at 12:34 PM UTC
I carved my name into you with a switchblade and my finger nails.
I kissed you in the crevice between your neck and shoulder bone.
I confided in you with problems, whether petty or massive
Made you feel needed
Made you feel wanted.
You bandaged up my name
You washed off my lips imprints
You laughed at my problems and gave me more to handle
Made me feel helpless
Made me feel meaningless
Time and time again
I am erased
From the minds of the ones I love.
Apr 9, 2014
Apr 9, 2014 at 2:04 AM UTC
**** you
and your indecisiveness
Your mysterious demure caught my glance
You twisted, and dissembled my sight
Wrapped up in your eloquence
Believing in good intentions
Our evanescent love lasted only a moment
If it existed at all
Your nearness to me was made insignificant by your blithe nonchalance
And here I remain
An ingenue
Fooled again, lured in by your perplexing,
Negligent attitude towards life,
Towards me
Apr 7, 2014
Apr 7, 2014 at 11:59 PM UTC