ryan-bowdish
American
Loneliness is great for life lessons... / But it's not what life is for. / I'd like to give myself to you, / In a way that you can't ignore. / / All poems written for the profile "Mellow D's" also belong to me. Occasionally I will post a poem on both profiles because Mellow D's is where my hip hop/slam goes, and everything else I generally post here. Please don't accuse me of stealing my own material, it's a waste of both of our times. / / Also, I subscribe to every person who reviews my material, even if that is just a like, so I will see more of you if you tell me what you think of me :D / / <3
Crystal clarity at a cacophanous volume
Like decibel demons devouring depression,
Deep sobs drowned by Cranberries...
Yes, I have to let it linger...
Just a little longer.
The rug really tied the room together, did it not?
Its wool surface flays my face
As the smears of tears clear my cheeks
And vault from my visage,
The only human touch I feel now flying,
Cascading carelessly, silent and apathetic,
To smash in this rug, breaking a house broken home...
All lost,
"Like tears in rain,"
Blown away by the cymbal crash
The strumming of strings,
Screaming of someone's sandcastles
Swept away by shoreline showers,
Scraped from the shivers of my spine
Sloped like a summer puddle of slime,
Contorted like circus freaks...
You made a snail of me
No.
A slug (a happy home was my shell)
And now
If I were to curdle my blood
And destroy my lungs
There would be no shockwave
No sudden surrender of shame
Only stories scratched out
Severing slumber from my soul
And in the end,
The stereo is my lover.
Low ends learning my loneliness
Mids melting away my murdered marriage
Highs heaving with my heartbreak
It's good to be here.
No one can hear me shriek.
Not even me.
Jul 24, 2024
Jul 24, 2024 at 3:15 AM UTC
Every time that I sleep
I pray that I'm reaped
Because I don't wanna keep
Going on, I hate me
I don't wanna live
And I don't wanna give
Any more attention to
This world of ********
And every time I wake up
I hate my own ******* guts
And I hope that I choke
Or just die or get ******
Cuz I've tried way too ******* hard
To keep pulling the last card
And looking for glass shards
So I can finally give up
And you tell me that I'm ******* lazy
But I'm so depressed that I feel like I'm crazy
I can't get off of this couch
And I can't even be seen with my kids or go out
And I'm glad that my dad didn't
Give my the shotgun
Because you'd find me with
My head undone
And somehow I just keep going
Probably just because of Clem and of Rowan
You disregard all the loyalty
That I've put in to this
Business that you
Blindly ignore, see
I've been here before and
I know that I'm going
Through way too much ********
For you and for yours
But I'm still working hard
And I'm not gonna start
Getting into the **** that
You only exacerbate
You could make my life easier
But all you do is make me wanna see you
In an alley way so I can say
What I've always been thinking
And then **** you in all the
Holes in your face
So do me a favor and give me a reason
To end my whole life in this beautiful season
Cuz I'm ready to **** you up,
I'm ready to spill my guts
I'm ready to die because
I don't give a ****
I am
Not the person that you think I am
If I was
Then I would still be in the can
In the paper, the news,
That's up to you, my man
I'll defend myself any way I can
The only reason you haven't
Found me in a tavern
****** up on my ********
And my habits
Is because I know that
If my kids wake up
And find me in a tub
With my wrists all slit up
Then they'll be just like me
Which is going to be immediately
A trauma for them to face
Another CPS case
And then they'll be left
With their mom who's a basketcase
And I'm done acting like this isn't a tribute
To the only person who understands too
Shout out to Em for giving me the guts
To get so ****** off that I stand the **** up
And tell God to leave me alone
Because I can't even sleep in my own ******* home
And I'm tired of courtrooms
I'm tired of jail cells
I'm tired of living
In this eternal hell
So one day I'm just gonna stop being me
And hopefully it'll be in my sleep
So I can have a nice funeral
And leave a good policy
Because is not what I wanted my life to be
I am
Not the person that you think I am
If I was, I'd still be in the can
In the paper, the news, that's up to you my man
I'll defend myself however I can
I'm so sick and tired
Of knowing I'll never retire
That sometime I wish
I would die in a fire
And I'm not spinning fables
And I'm about to flip tables
No I'm not gonna be able to
Make myself disabled
But I'm already there
In my head, I don't care
The only reason
That I'm still not impaired
Is that I haven't been ready
To finally end my own story
Because in my mind
Suicide ******* bores me
But if you get in my ******* way
Just know that I'm done
And it'll be your last day
On this earth that you've taken for granted
I won't even plan it
I'll just run into you
And your *** will be branded
With the very last name that you'll hear
And it'll be the name of a non binary queer
And I hope that this ****** you off
Because I'm done keeping my mouth shut, yeah it's on
I am
Not the person you think I am
If I was, I'd still be in the can
In the paper, the news, that's up to you my man
I'll defend myself in any way I can
(I'm just playing Slim, you know I love you)
May 6, 2024
May 6, 2024 at 5:56 AM UTC
There was no reason why I had to be born
There was no question of if I wanted it at all
And every time I think about the people I would leave behind
I just can't help but be sure that they'd have a better life
And what a pretty noose...
Just hanging in my eyes
And what a good excuse
To leave this world behind...
I sit and watch the sun set red on mountains
While the snowblind takes my eyes
And maybe if I'm lucky then the entire mountainside
Will bury my mind inside
And when I think about the people that need me to be alive
Sometimes I just wonder if they understand that I'm not alright
... and what a pretty noose
Just hanging in my dreams
And what a great excuse
To tell the world that I'm not what I seem
And what a great escape
From all the things that keep my in my cage
And what a great distaste
That I've developed for myself, and I'm sorry.
Mar 14, 2024
Mar 14, 2024 at 5:02 AM UTC
When i was young i regarded you as the man my parents told me not to be and i loved that.
I smoked with you, laughed with you.
You were my childhood eyeroll
Turned into adult head shake
And into fatherhood, an understanding
Of how stupidly corny your repeated jokes were.
This is review.
Nobody laughed the way you do.
Oct 4, 2023
Oct 4, 2023 at 1:05 AM UTC
It is you
It has always been you
Can you turn it around now
Right the **** now?
Or will you burn?
Everything that you have done
Lead to this moment again
And again and again and again and again
So are you ready to give up all the things that have ruined you?
Are you ready to throw away the one thing that shields you from truth?
Once again i hate myself
Once again i ****** it all up
Once again i made the mistake
The same one i always have made
Maybe I'm not ready to live
Maybe i should give up and start up again
Maybe something else is next
But i already made my bed
So pretend to be happy now
Do it more than you've done before
Pray that happiness will come
And perhaps the kids will be better for it
Just pretend
Pretend to be happy
And maybe one day you will
Actually be happy
Fake it until you make it again.
Someone **** me please.
Someone end this pain.
Someone **** my brain.
And let me try another aim.
Jul 16, 2023
Jul 16, 2023 at 5:44 AM UTC
I finally beg my father
To bury me so far below
To absolve the earth once again
Let my body be the growth
And when the demons rise
And when the flood begins
And when the turning tides
Bleed those still with sin
The horses will spit acid
And blood and fire and death
And the willpower to continue
Will be met with unstoppable ends.
Just remember my will after.
The humans will inherit lands
The ones who can't be slaves
Will ritualistically lose their hands
The epiphany that we all sought
Will be buried within the sand
Time will march with the evil army
And they will curse our lands
The end will be televised
While earth will be consumed
By the fire that has been prophesied
Since we were introduced.
Let the burning begin and the end commence
The heavens had their chance to build a defense
Hollow husks of hell will run like lambs of gods to be slaughtered
Souls will be consumed upon your unborn unknown daughter
And when the end seems like it will never be in sight
Everyone will be consumed tonight
And the only one to survive will be you
To discover an entire hell anew.
All that i did was for the hate i feel for humanity
An incalculable number isn't even close to my malicious desire
I'll keep the entirety of your ambitions in this insanity
And you'll know the impossibility of speech when you're caught in the fires.
Hell is now.
And it's all your fault.
Jun 21, 2023
Jun 21, 2023 at 4:47 AM UTC
Rivers rising to the middle distance
Skylines sunken in sea-salted prisons
An endless ocean, the bottomless blue
Venomous, choking, a sacrifice for you
I've buried my head, but never to hide
I've broken my fingers just to provide
I've taken a throne, but lost all my pride
And here I sit empty, my love cast aside
The sky has broken in an instant
Memory serves to torture, insistent
A constant reminder of poor decisions
No number of wraps will sate this incision
Now let the blackness swallow it all
A shining beacon on the other side
Now see your actions be your downfall
You are the cause for the surmounting tide
I've buried my head, but never to hide
I've broken my fingers just to provide
I've taken a throne, but lost all my pride
And here I sit empty, my love cast aside
Nov 14, 2021
Nov 14, 2021 at 5:14 PM UTC
Historically speaking, I am evil.
I used, I hated, I hurt, I cheated.
I lied, I drank, I wanted to die
But history is history.
I can't sit still while my world crumbles.
I can't stop trying to facilitate health.
You would that I made no mistakes
You would that I crucified myself.
My foundation is frozen in purgatory now
But humanity insists that I'll make it somehow
And when your record is littered with lies
The truth will always be clouded with doubt
I don't want to give up, but I want to give in
To the conceptual bliss of not having to be
I don't want to die, but I want the pain to end
I wonder what world waits for spirits set free.
Sometimes I wish that I never chose fatherhood
So I didn't have anyone to hurt, left behind
But I have to believe that this life will get better
Even when suicide strangles my mind.
Oct 7, 2021
Oct 7, 2021 at 6:40 PM UTC
When will this end
When will I fly
Will I ever see the world I idealized?
When will it change
When will I cease
Dreaming of dying, of endless release?
When will I cry
When will I feel
Will I ever know what it means to be real?
When will I learn
When will I grow
Sometimes I think of just closing the show
Sep 18, 2021
Sep 18, 2021 at 9:53 PM UTC