I will always be one of them
Never one of you
No matter how I change my voice
Or what I wear
Tighten the cloth around my neck
Choking to comply
Stain shamed handshakes
The border of us and them remains upstanding
The ache of my experience is already enshrined in folk songs passed long before my ancestors’ existence
What I have failed to put into words is already laid out before me
the shallow harshness of English inadequate
yet I am unworthy to house my writing in anything else
Jan 15
Jan 15, 2026 at 9:21 AM UTC
Is that all there is?
I'm in wooden canoe sliding down perfect green grass
riding the little uneven dips
yet rolling down smoothly
but the tide comes in
when we're nowhere near the coast
but hey-ho that's what the canoe's built for
the tide pushes us down mountainous sliding terrain
my back aches and my mouth is dry from screaming
my fingers tightly ache
this can't be it
all that remains is me and this hideous keyboard
typing out things that never make sense
i cannot understand what i am fighting for
what dinosaur is after me
I'm a caveman with a fully stocked fridge and roof over my head
the survival instincts are alive and well
and yet...
I've achieved everything but nothing at all
I have nothing to show for it
Just a desperate desire to not be wrong again
Not to disappoint people anymore
And be a friend worth having
No way that's it
a too-eventful childhood and adolescence, a politician's scheduled teenagedom and a painfully mediocre twenties
health and wellbeing sacrificed just for a bachelor's
failure after failure in a master's
all to just have one 'unsuccessful' after another in my inbox
and endless promises to my family that I am unable to make good
I thought my people pleasing could at least land me a retail job
but here I am, leading the blind
at the cusp of sitting the hardest exam I'll ever do
and physically and emotionally dead inside
the law I fell in love with
the freedom of learning
my brain's hemispheres turning on their sides and the rainbow eclipsing them
taught me to fight even with endless red tape
there's always something more
only to end up with the door slammed in my face everywhere I turn
I am worse off than I started
the only difference is the stakes are higher
and with every birthday I am too old to not be financially independent
with every birthday comes theirs
and I cannot take anymore
we are all getting old now
I don't know what I like or who I am anymore
I am eternally lost
and I don't know how to write anymore
maybe I missed the boat
I rolled down the hill when I should've walked
that's all there is
Jul 29, 2025
Jul 29, 2025 at 10:31 AM UTC
my dear
I love you
what else is there to possibly say
you don’t need it and I can’t give it
and so I bleed
you flourish
all is right in the world
and I have my love to thank
Apr 23, 2024
Apr 23, 2024 at 6:27 PM UTC
When you fall in love for the first time
You won’t even know it’s happening
The dancing streets, heels against cobblestones
The glow of the lampposts
Things you wouldn’t even whisper
You are now ready to exclaim
The whole world is spinning and yet
It is perfectly still
In this great, big universe
It is just two sets of eyes
And the landmarks we created
The park benches where we were honest for the first time
Where you made sure i was okay before we got up
The truth can do that to you -
Knock the wind out of your sails
Or the first time we touched each other on purpose
I linked your arm with mine
And i could feel the stars burning above us
And the moon sneaking a glance
As we ‘forgot’ all about it
And you walked me home
The first time i went to that pizza place
I only joined you because we had things to discuss
Not for your company, why of course not
With every laugh
It became harder to think of a reason that i hated you in the first place
I thought only i experienced the clock ticking slower
Every second you weren’t with me
But the calls and the texts
And the exasperated “where were you”s put that all to rest
So i made the leap
And served my heart on a silver platter
Full, beating and red
And i watched you watch it beat blue and gasp
But now time doesn’t seem to pass at all when we’re together
And everytime we’re alone we wait for someone to join us;
our desperate eyes search, pleading with anyone to end our suffering
I watch you when i used to run to you
And i miss you when i see you every single day
I love you
But i can’t do this anymore
We can’t even pretend to be friends properly
I remember what you said
Believe me, every word
But I felt us that night
We saw each other for the first time
I don’t think I’ve ever had that with anyone
And despite what you say
I don’t think you have either
Strangers think we’re in love
Your friends and my friends
Steal glances every time we look at each other
We weren’t alone
It felt like it was just us
But everyone got to witness
The way we were
I didn’t stop smiling for three months
I miss you
I miss your honesty
I was trying to break down a wall
And you threw open the gates
Now i can’t even see the wall anymore
I’m on the outside looking in
Losing what we had was hard enough
I wasn’t prepared to lose you as a friend
I don’t think i’ll ever be
but we haven’t been friends for ages
So who are we kidding
I knew this didn’t need a dramatic close
You don’t need me to take a bow
So I was ready to watch you from afar
Having you in my rearview was better than not having you at all
But just as I take my first breaths
You hook yourself on
And I have to learn all over again
I refuse to do this anymore
We are not friends
You didn’t have to admit anything because i wasn’t prepared to lose you
But it’s time
For this ship to sail
You are losing me.
Oct 17, 2023
Oct 17, 2023 at 3:27 PM UTC
The deafening overwhelm of nothing
When the credits fade
Or the note hits its final crescendo
The “thank you for watching”
soundwaves enter your eardrums
Your surroundings stare back, begging you to pay attention
The clothes piles
The ***** dishes
Dust on shelves and countertops
Everywhere is clutter
Walking is a landmine
Suddenly it hits:
You can’t tell the difference between now and five days ago
You know that something aches
Maybe the chemical imbalance, maybe the loss of an old friend
It could even be everything
But it’s definitely something
I can feel it every time I wake up and I smother myself back to sleep
sometimes I won't even let myself use the bathroom
But there’s plans in the diary
And an exciting life laying the footpath ahead of me
And yet
The silence blasts in my ears
And sores my eyes
Hollowing me inside
I’ve always been like this
I just don’t know if I have it in me
To roll up my sleeves
And try again.
Sep 19, 2023
Sep 19, 2023 at 8:24 PM UTC
Only in complete solitude
Does it rear its ugly head
It thrives in the environment of the loving
heart on the sleeve ready to be yours before you even ask
No part of them is really theirs
It's in a temporary holding awaiting their retrieval
But then
The footsteps tickling possibility
The whispers never have a chance to kiss the raindrops
Because furrowed brows relax
And the growls blossom into a wonderful laughter
the kind of laugh that used to house your peace
Has now been transferred to a prison that you can never seem to reach
A route only he knows
The map in ink that his eyes can see when the evil subsides
but it won't
So the map remains a paper
and the laugh becomes the grounding feeling of fear
the fear houses you long after he's gone
in search for fear you hunt the prison
but she's being ravaged by the maggots in the soil
as the hunt continues for something you don't even know the name of
The walls reach the heights of the heavens
But there is only more room to grow.
Sep 17, 2023
Sep 17, 2023 at 1:34 PM UTC
So close
so far
A maybe
Those sunlit oceans
He dares to call eyes
Looked into mine
All the time
Or perhaps because there wasn’t a day we didn’t talk
Even if there wasn't anything to say
For me, there was always so much
Or when we didn’t we hated each other
Or that the notion that i hated myself was so ******* unfathomable
Or the teasing
And the incessant laughter
Or when he was so close
If i breathed the wrong way i could’ve kissed him
And if i close my eyes a little too long
It happens all the time
Or how he never forgot anything i told him
Or how it was impossible to not smile
Even during that time
But it was probably because I wanted him to be mine
So ****** badly
When he was married
And she was pregnant
And none of those things mattered
Because every ******* time i was with him
I felt like i was on drugs
The sun shone brighter
And life was better
Even though alone I was trying to find the quickest way to die
I love him
I can’t look at anything from that time the same anymore
Even though we met eight years ago
And i haven't seen him in four
But there wasn’t a day where i didn’t think i might
At the mall
On the street
In the shops
In his city where he doesn’t even ******* live in anymore
When i'm walking
When i'm running
Dear God when will I be free
It’s an almost
I’m so close
I can't feel the same for anyone else
But at least i don't think about him everyday
I'll never be the person i was
But at least i’m not sobbing on the floor
Screaming in pain because he isn’t mine
I’m almost there
Mar 5, 2022
Mar 5, 2022 at 4:31 PM UTC
i haven't left the house
i havent
i haven't left the house for fun in a long time
what is fun?
i could look up the meaning of the word and yet
still not seem to understand it
my heart has dropped in my stomach
a bag of acid
and sunk
and with the movement of swishing enzymes
it has twisted and churned
and poured out any emotion i had left
what's the difference between happy and sad?
sad and angry?
they are all the same to me
at the end of a smile
of a roar
of a tear
my little emotionless heart
is lonely in a bag of acid
and enzymes are twisting and churning
all with efficiency
and my little heart
is just there
for the waves
i am so lonely
but every conversation i have
with anyone but my family
is an inner battle
i will start and end every conversation
my mind drives at 150 miles per hour
and nothing less
and the sound of its roaring engine centres in my head
and lingers in my ears
and even when the conversation end
my mind will continue to echo its roars
for years
i promised myself i wouldn't do this
lock myself inside me
and lose the key
i promised myself i wouldn't do this
throw my body like ****
and expect it not to fight back
i promised myself
i would be happy
2017 has already ****** me up
as it came in
UGHhHuhughuHGughughughugh
i don't even know how to ******* write anymore
something i used to have guarded deep underneath my flesh
blanketed in tissue
laying on bones
has thrown off the covers and is racing in blood
and has just flowed out
with every little slice i make
who knows this
me and me
i used to think i could be a writer
read comments and smile
i used to think i was something
for a whole minute
but my big old mind
slapped me right back into shape
and helped me understand
all of my little hopes were dead
i watched slam poems
read sonnets
who am i kidding
i haven't had a split second for me
so much so I'm mixing science
with poetry
i shut my eyes and see 4 quadrants
and the negative and positive number lines
engraving with a tickle beneath my hair
i see the alimentary canal, the small intestines
forming a headband of flowers around my head
i see atoms bouncing around my limbs
accompanied with hundreds of shells
i see cations and anions
and every thing has to be done
so many things to be done
that i can't sleep
and i wake up late
and the day is half gone
**** what a waste
i will beat myself for the entire day for the hour i spent shut eye's distance away from books
all i can think about is time
and as i write this i glance at my clock every second
1:06 and no one will read this but me
422 words and nobody cares
ill just go through this alone
just like every other rough patch I've ever had
because i push everyone out
and wonder why no one cares
my eyes droop with every little tap on my keyboard
why am i alive
i know so many people who deserve lives
and my name is south of that list
cross my heart and i hope to die
they really weren't telling a lie.
Feb 2, 2021
Feb 2, 2021 at 2:44 PM UTC
Get away from me
I can feel every bond in my body
Fall apart
so get away from me
get as ******* far as possible
because apparently 2916 miles isn't enough
maybe a distance like that doesn't exist -
the one where I don't want you to get away
I can still feel your presence
as I relive all of our memories
day and night
even the ones where we don't speak
something that was never compulsory to us
I feel you are attracted to me
in a way that I could never want
in a way that I could never want
in a way that only gives me heartbreak and anything that could break me
feeling nothing at all, not crying for months
Did four years of that not give you your ******* satisfaction?
You would never dream of this, but stop asking why we don't talk and just get away from me
because there's no way I can get away from you.
Dec 21, 2017
Dec 21, 2017 at 11:24 AM UTC
I feel nothing
maybe I feel a cloud that only rains in my presence but
I really feel nothing
Sometimes I see myself
in the googles of someone else who is far
very far,
watching me on a screen
and whenever I start to feel
I can feel someone else overriding
my control of myself
I am pushed to the very backseat
despite calling shotgun.
I feel nothing
except for Zeus' anger
at the ***** of my feet
in the form of volcanic lava
bubbling and toiling
as it overrides the meniscus boundary
but now
I am here
me
I am here
in my car in the driver's seat
I don't have to call shotgun
because my unconscious
yes, mine
my unconscious is all mine
and now,
I have never felt more alive.
But the lava always cools and resides,
despite the internal temperature,
solidifying only to be melted again
and I am where I belong
I am right in the backseat.
Nov 17, 2017
Nov 17, 2017 at 2:31 AM UTC