Next time I'm going to be honest
About my past.
I don't want a hit it & quit it
I want something that's gonna last.
Next time I'm taking charge
Not trying to hesitate
I'm not going to procrastinate.
I'm going to give her my all
I just hope she reciprocates.
Next time I'm going
To put my love on display.
I'm going to insist that we make time for
God & church
& each night before bed we pray.
Next time they'll be so much passion
Hugging, kissing & more.
They'll be no doubt in her mind
It's her I adore.
Next time will be a new day
I've learned from my past mistakes.
I can't put myself through
Anymore of these heartbreaks.
Next time I will be a better man
I'll give her all of me.
She'll have no doubts of my intentions
My heart will be there for her to see.
Next time if I need her
I won't be afraid to speak.
I'll be bold about what I want
I will never again be meek.
Next time
Next time
Next time
Too bad I didn't do these things Last Time.
Feb 27, 2017
Feb 27, 2017 at 11:27 AM UTC
I feel like my demons PREY
They hunt me all the time.
When I feel their presence
I PRAY to ease my mind.
I feel like my ex's PREY
When she keeps away my kids to hurt me.
I PRAY to my Jehovah
That my children would never desert me.
I feel like PREY
When my when my enemies, spit in my face.
I PRAY to learn forgiveness
So I could stay, in God's good grace.
When I feel like the world is against me
& I feel like everyone's PREY
I just get on my knees
Close my eyes
& PRAY those thoughts away.
Feb 26, 2017
Feb 26, 2017 at 12:28 PM UTC
The suicide attempts
The anger, the self pity
Had my mind so clouded
Had me wondering why my life was so shytty.
I was consumed with anger
My life was a mess.
Once I let all of that go
God allowed me to be blessed.
I allowed my marriage to fail
I fell into a deep depression.
I allowed demons to haunt me
But now I learned my lesson.
I cut myself from off
From friends & family.
I lived in despair
& depression grabbed ahold of me.
I cried over losing my family
I tried several times to end my life.
But life kept on moving
For my children & ex-wife.
I came to to the conclusion
That I really need to move on.
But that was so hard to do
When my family was gone.
I wrote poetry & prayed
That really helped a great deal.
It helped me, when I wrote
How I really & truly feel.
Pauline was a great support system
Her words & poems were a Godsend.
I never told her this........
But I truly consider her a friend.
I learned waiting for death
Is no way for one to live.
I should look for the good in life
& strive to be positive.
I stopped crying & started smiling
I need my children to see that instead.
They don't need to see a broken man
Whose depressed, pathetic
Just one step from being dead.
I'll keep fighting to see my children
Because they are my legacy.
They are the reason why
I cast these demons away from me.
Feb 25, 2017
Feb 25, 2017 at 12:58 PM UTC
It's a shame when you have a good thing going
& people want to intervene.
They don't want you to have
They get jealous & mean.
Their lives are not going well
They have nothing at all.
Instead of enjoying watching you prosper
They pray for your downfall.
They see you happy they will rather
Ruin what you have.
They see a crack in your foundation
They will be so glad.
They try to end your happiness
When God gives you favor.
They try to destroy your blessing
Before you could even savor it.
Meddlers are people whose
Lives are a mess.
They hate to see others happy
Until you're broken they won't rest.
They'll smile in your face
While twisting the knife in your back.
They're relentless in destroying you
They're always on the attack.
They'll whisper in others ears
Trying to tear you down with words.
If you have a meddler, in your life
Cut them off, kick them to the curb.
Meddlers are the lowest thing
The Devil contributed to this earth.
Once you come in contact with them
Your life will be cursed.
They live in misery
& dabble in destruction.
They are all about hurting those around them
With deceit & corruption.
I had a meddler in my life
Their actions destroyed my family.
We tried to help the meddler out
They were so smooth with it
That we were too blind to see.
We didn't see in time
What were really their true intentions.
They had us fighting amongst each other
& did I forget to mention
How we took in a meddler
We allowed them in our residence
But they came to us under
False pretences.
They said they needed help
& we tried to be there.
But they destroyed my family
& they didn't care.
They tore a wedge between us
We fought all the time.
They just watched us destroy ourselves
& stood on the sidelines.
They took pride in watching
Our family dissipate.
They liked watching us crumble
They watched our family deteriorate.
Now my children miss their father
They are in so much pain.
The father leaves
But the meddler remains.
God don't like ugly
& that meddler showed their true colors.
They ruined a family
But they'll soon discover.
God will give me strength & in his grace
I'll continue to grow.
My faith will not waiver
My inner light will still glow.
I'll let that meddler enjoy this victory
Because I truly don't care.
I've got God on my side
So meddler beware.
I'll never wish you any harm
I want your life to grow.
But remember this meddler
You reap what you sow.
So if you can't get ahead
& you're always in a bind.
Remember Romans 12:19
The Lord said "Vengeance Is Mine"
Feb 25, 2017
Feb 25, 2017 at 12:22 PM UTC
I lost it all
It's a hard thing to say.
Now I'm all alone
On this Father-Less Day.
I made a mistake
That made my woman leave.
Now it's Father's Day
& I'm alone to grieve.
I grieve for the loss of my sons
The apples of my eye.
Being without them
On this day
Makes me break down & cry.
I failed my family
I pushed them away.
Now I can't celebrate with them
On this Father's Day.
When I call my own father
He'll be so happy.
I'll talk to my dad
Will my children call me?
My wife always told me
As a husband you're terrible.
The mood swings I was having
Made life with me unbearable.
She said I was so much into my boys
Sometimes she felt forgotten.
Since the day they were born
I spoiled them rotten.
She said I am a great daddy
Fatherhood was a great fit for me.
Too bad I did give our marriage
That much energy.
My sons were my identity
They were with me all the time.
It's hard being without them
I'm losing my mind.
They are my first thought when I wake up
My last thought when I sleep.
I feel like something's missing
I feel incomplete.
This is going to be a bad day
I see that already.
My prayer to My God is:
PLEASE DON'T LET MY CHILDREN FORGET ME
Jun 19, 2016
Jun 19, 2016 at 5:01 AM UTC
I remember when I first saw her
She got off The Red Line.
I thought to myself
**** this woman's fine.
Her long beautiful hair
Was flowing in the wind.
Tight fitting black dress
With a body built for sin.
Her smile hypnotized me
It left me in a trance.
She was so out of my league
But decided to take a chance.
We talked for awhile
To my surprise, she actually liked me.
Everything about her was perfect
She was so right for me.
She talked about God
& her relationship with him.
She said she didn't want to disappoint him
So she runs away from sin.
She talked about her dreams
Her hopes, her fears.
All I was thinking was how
I could keep this woman near.
Our first date ended too quickly
She had things to do at home.
It was love at first sight for me
My feelings for her already grown.
We hugged at the train
& we said good-bye.
Even though we just met
I felt like I was going to cry.
I went home & thought about her
I told my uncle, "I Met The One!"
My playa days are over
They are over & done.
I met the woman
That has stolen my heart.
Even though we just met
I hate that we're apart.
The first time we made love
It felt like Heaven opened it's gates.
She was so soft & warm
To be crass, the puxXxy was great.
She made me feel like
I never felt before.
I couldn't get enough of her
I had to have her more & more.
She seemed to get more beautiful
With passing day.
She had a brotha sprung
I just couldn't stay away.
Tears fell from my eyes
The first time she said she loved me
When we found out she was pregnant
I was so happy.
I can't continue the story
It causes me too much pain.
Instead of being with her in constant sunshine
I'm without her in constant rain.
I'll just remember our good times
They help me go on.
It helps me stay sane
Because My Angel is gone.
Jun 11, 2016
Jun 11, 2016 at 9:17 PM UTC
October 16th
We lost one of the best people
I ever saw.
My beautiful, sweet, dear
Mother-In-Law.
She loved her children
She introduced them to God.
Constantly smiling
Even though her life was so hard.
"Blood Of Jesus"
Was her favorite thing to say.
She probably said it
100 times a day.
She loved The Lord
She was spiritually touched.
He loved her too
That's why he blessed her so much.
God gave her the Cadillac
That she coveted so.
She shared her blessings with everyone
She never said no.
She gave & gave
Even to people who did her wrong.
Revenge was not in her nature
Because her faith was so strong.
She loved to talk
She always had something to say.
She kept it real with all
Man that woman didn't play.
She was the rock of her family
Her strength kept me in awe.
She was her family's monarch
She was perfect, no flaws.
She was my "California Mommy"
It's so hard being without her.
There's not an hour, minute or second
That I don't think about her.
I know she's in Heaven
Turning Heaven out.
The Lord is happy she's there
I believe that, no doubt.
I look up for her
I hope she's looking down on me.
I want her to know what her loss
Has done to her family.
Her daughter who used to
Always have a smile on her face
Now has sadness in her eyes
& her smile's been replaced
With a slight little frown
Because she misses her Mom
I don't think she gotten over the fact
That her Mother is gone.
We all grieve
In our own little way.
I thought it would get easier
With each passing day.
It hasn't for her daughter
She watched her Mom's health deteriorate.
But her Mom fought to the end
Because her will was so great.
I miss her so much
But I know she's in a better place.
The mark she left in our lives
Could never be erased.
October 16th is a day
That'll stay on my mind.
That's the day
My Mother-In-Law went to Heaven
& left us behind.
I know she's watching over us
I know this for a fact.
There's nothing in the world
I wouldn't do to have her back.
*****
I Love You Mother-In-Law
2/3/1956-10/16/2014
Jun 11, 2016
Jun 11, 2016 at 9:13 PM UTC
What If I cared more
& truly gave a ****
Would I be in this position
That I am?
What If I loved more
& stopped thinking of me?
Could this had been prevented?
Did this have to be?
What If I listened to her
Would she have wanted to stay?
I ask myself these questions
Every single day.
What If I prayed with her?
Would God have sympathy on me?
I wonder if that's the reason
Why he set my wife free?
What If I went to church
All those Sundays I refused?
Would she still be here?
Would I be the one she'd choose?
What If I cared more about
What she thought & her feelings?
My behavior over these past 10 years
Have been eye-opening & revealing.
I didn't care.
I didn't try.
I didn't love.
There's no excuse why.
She was my blessing
To me God's greatest gift.
Now I'm left here asking myself.........What If?
Jun 10, 2016
Jun 10, 2016 at 12:44 AM UTC
My life was in shambles
But then I discovered.
I couldn't get over her
My heart had to recover.
My days were filled with sadness
My life was in ruins.
I couldn't do anything right
I had no idea what I was doing.
The days seemed to get longer
They just didn't end.
Life got so hard without
My soulmate & best friend.
The nights were even worse
I couldn't get any rest.
I missed my wife, with her cover-hogging self
& her sweet caress.
I couldn't concentrate
I had too much heartache.
My heart was hurting too much
It was too much to take.
My eyes were red
From all the crying I had done.
My soul became empty
I withdrew from everyone.
My family reached out to me
But I too far gone.
I contemplated suicide
I had no will to go on.
My children worried about their father.
Why is he acting this way?
Their innocence couldn't comprehend
Why I was in such disaray.
The few friends I had called
& I didn't answer.
This heartache I was dealing with
Was an emotional cancer.
I finally had an epiphany
I knew what I had to do.
I had to get her out of my mind
& come to grips that we were through.
I prayed for understanding
& for inner peace.
The Lord heard my prayers
& this heartache was released.
He gave me a new strength
That I never knew I had.
God made me realize
That my life isn't so bad.
He took away the dark cloud
That had consumed my soul.
He gave me a new way of thinking
Gave me more control.
He took the frown away
That was on my face.
He replaced it with a smile
Because now I live in his grace.
He knew my love for her was real
He knows I'll always love her.
But God's kept me sane
& he's helping my heart recover.
Jun 10, 2016
Jun 10, 2016 at 12:40 AM UTC
How can one person
Have so much power over another?
A person not even related to you
Becomes closer to you than your own mother?
They have so much power
They can control your moods?
They can change your way of thinking
They can change your attitude.
They can control your inner feelings
They can make you do anything.
They could take to the depths of Hell
Or make your heart sing.
Power like that
Could be so destructive.
Someone had that power over me
& my life was disrupted.
That person had that power over me
& I couldn't resist it.
They took their hold off of me
& quite frankly, I missed it.
They left me broken
They became my desire, my need.
She left me to depend on myself
But I didn't know how to lead.
Her power over me was
Scary & hypnotic.
Now I took back control
That power, she's no longer got it.
I released myself from her
I got my life back.
My heart no longer feels
Like it's under attack.
My heart is once again beating
& everything's perfect.
I often ask myself
Was all this even worth it?
I believe it was
Because I now know what to do.
Never let a person
Ever have that much power over you.
Jun 9, 2016
Jun 9, 2016 at 1:52 PM UTC