I often suffer nightmares
Recurring and tangible
Live and in color,
Except
Something is always off
The slightness is what haunts me
So subtle
This seems like deja vu
It is fall, and I can't feel it on my skin
Or it's night, but there aren't stars
I'm up high, yet not afraid
All the usual beasts are way too big
Or I am very small
Smaller still, the tightrope I walk upon waking
I pluck it while I fall asleep
I can feel the moment I drift away
My body loses tension
The slack lifeline scares me awake
All my friends here don't have faces
Blank spaces where expressions used to be
Yet I recognize them all
And if their questions are real,
And their answers make sense,
How can I tell who's who?
These things I wonder
Wrapped within the folds of my brain
Seared into my waking world
Weighing down my every effort
Are these things the right colors?
Is this voice still my own?
Who's touch am I feeling?
How much time has passed?
wake up
Someone's whispering to me,
But I don't recognize the sound
WAKE UP
Jul 5, 2025
Jul 5, 2025 at 6:38 AM UTC
When you talked to me
I hope it bumped your confidence
I hope my skin
Made you feel like Adonis
I hope I tasted exactly like
Whatever you'd been missing
I hope my makeup stained your t-shirt
And you'll remember how
You felt when I let you touch me
For the very first time
You'll remember it forever
So help me God
So many years have gone by
But I've been sitting at the table, stuck
Looking for all my puzzle pieces
And it's always incomplete
You took every part of me
And built your life's mosaic
While im left
Missing edges
All holes in the middle
And I hope
The next time you kiss her
I hope it makes you sick
I hope she tastes like venom
And I hope she bites you back
I hope you learn how bad it aches
To stop your own bleeding
To climb out of this pit
Stacked high with ruined moments
Soaked and steeped in blood for years
And I hope
Most of all
You crawl home on all fours
Across miles of eggshells
Like the ones you made me stand on
Every minute
Every day
I hope you someday have to wonder
If you're full of dust inside
And if they ever cut you open
Would you feel it at all?
Because even though
Every day I'm born again
My cells are new.
You haven't touched me.
You still haunt the empty spaces
In the back of my mind
Your fingers wrapped around my veins
And held me down in place
There's a scream in my mouth
And it sounds like
Alexander
And while I'm busy treading water
And trying to survive
There's so many people to talk to
But nobody to listen
When the pieces fit again,
The puzzle is old and bored
And everyone wonders
Why it took me 10 years
Just to lay a ******* outline
The truth is
I've been missing the picture
Since the day I let you in.
Sep 7, 2021
Sep 7, 2021 at 11:52 AM UTC
Sometimes i can’t cope with the mundane
The abrupt end of it all
Everything stops making sense
I watch my own body from above
So i surround myself with people
Very Passionate People
There are those so drowned in anguish
So doused in dread
They take up the room with it,
Like something between
vinegar and gasoline
There’s weight to the air, like iron
The ache pouring from their skin
Like spores
Taking root in my cracks and sockets
And in my soul
And in my memories
Embedding their nightmares
In between every floorboard
And every time it happens,
I feel whole again
There are people i see
Who’s smiles scream like the sun itself
Their skin smells like honeysuckle
They are always warm
Every breath, every word
Feels like new life
Like dandelion wishes, and soft grass
Kisses on picnic blankets,
Driving too fast
They burn white hot, yellow,
Setting fire to my judgement,
And every time it happens,
I feel whole again
There are those who like lanterns
Burning on a dark road in a new moon
And you’re a moth to their flame
But every word they speak
Whips hard enough to split the skin
Every time your eyes lock
Your body aches, like lead poisoning
Their eyelashes make your bones brittle
You’re too enthralled to tell them that
Yes, you’re terrified
But they make you writhe like a snake
They grip you just as hard
And you like it
They stain your bedsheets
Sickly, rotted green
And every time it happens
I feel whole again
And there are others
Blank canvases
Locust shells
Hallowed out trees,
Ruined by pestilence
Forgotten, left to fester
Left behind generations ago
It’s a miracle there is breath in those bodies
It’s a wonder they have souls anymore
Do they know that they’re ghostly
That they’re in purgatory?
I don’t think they have the will
Still, their motions are effortless
A cotton dress on a downhill stream
Something beautiful, taken so far away
Sunken to the depths, despite all things
And every time it happens,
I feel whole again
The trouble is
In knowing this
Encyclopedia of personages
The yellowpages of my life
I can’t stay vacant this long
There will be color on these walls again
Photos in these halls again
And i cannot choose them
All the people i meet and see
Leave their fingerprints on all the mirrors
Staining what i see when i look for myself
And it seems that
After too long
I’ll remain the marble statue
With a pretty new visage,
A beautiful, distracting mask
Made entirely of
Everyone I’ve ever met
Jan 21, 2021
Jan 21, 2021 at 1:52 AM UTC
When hell freezes over
And i can’t feel the cracks in the walls
I’m not sure anymore
“These times are the worst times”
And what comes after
What if i don’t want to know
Why do babies die
When they’ve never done anything
The most innocent
This earth will ever feel
Is when it’s reclaiming
The porcelain faces
With eyes closed
Maybe it’s because
The longer we spend waiting
Like opening windows
When it’s supposed to rain
“It gets worse before it gets better”
But there is no contest
It’s just comparison
Plath wrote a novel
About how hard it is to die
Your body doesn’t want to
But your soul can’t sleep anymore
You are tired
From bouncing off the padded walls
Inside your skull
So much it feels like
Your own thoughts have bruises
Concussions within concussions
It hurts to think
The engine doesn’t start
And every day i try to sleep
Except
I’m still awake
Because it doesn’t matter anymore
We spend our time
Waiting out the storm
(Even when it’s in the windows)
Waiting for the sunshine
But all it means is
The storm will ruin everything
And no amount of sunlight
No kisses
No daisies
Will ever make the floorboards dry up
Will fix the ruined wallpaper
No open windows
Will air out this house
Everything settles
Like dust on the mantel
The floorboards pop
Like the elbows of tree branches
Bucking together,
Shivering in winter
The house is restless
But too old to move
Too tired
Too heavy
And so am i.
There’s still something in it
Us
We
And still so empty at the same time.
If the room is vacant
Is it still a room
Or is it a tomb
That’s been desecrated
Put it back the way it was meant to be,
Full inhabitants
The dead haunting both places.
Because i am fearless
To be honest
When you don’t feel
I am plastic and
Tattered rugs in the hallway
I am
Cigarette smoke stains
Nicotine yellow and
Placid green
rotting from the inside out
Like a cavity
You’ve always been too poor to fix
Yet... not an ache like that
Too easy to ignore
And when it’s past the point
It falls out, and life goes on
No
I am a wildfire
Burning everything alive
And too big to put out
Everyone can see it
Everyone’s afraid
The very smoke from my own destruction
Is killing the skies
Suffocating on top of the heat
Like a hurricane, hotter
A god of fifty thousand degrees
And yet... they see it coming
All they can do is
Hope i burn myself out
And don’t take their lives too
And there’s nothing
No open windows
No kisses
No daisies
Can do about it
Feb 20, 2020
Feb 20, 2020 at 10:18 PM UTC
We danced
All through the evening
Now I’m stained with your cologne
I never was supposed to
And i don’t want to go home
See my thoughts are riddled with you
Like a termite, my chagrin
How do i go to sleep now,
I let my deepest worries win
And what am i to do
With nothing left to swoon
I’ve lost my only axis,
A planet with no moon
Feb 11, 2020
Feb 11, 2020 at 12:07 AM UTC
When I'm looking for a home
With you
I remember
I don't want to live
Anywhere
And it's times like this I realize
When I'm
So good at acting
I forgot how to live
Nothing is real
It's nights like this
When everything I should love
Feels like snow
It should burn
It should hurt
It should be something
To feel
But it's too cold outside
And now it's in
I don't love the child
Who used to love me
Or the family that
Always welcomes me home
I don't know
How to hold my pets
The way I used to
I feel like a robot wearing gloves
And maybe someone will
Sing songs to my
Skeleton
A hundred years from now
I've never made an impact
I've never taken a step
And now it's just a treadmill
Cyclical hell
And I want to lay down
I'm tired
Too tired.
Can you not see it in my face
Etched in my hands
Nobody was surprised
How I've got nothing left
Inside
I am blood and paper
Human and irony
Empty basements
And it's moments like this
I understand
That the pills
They
Don't
Work.
Aug 8, 2017
Aug 8, 2017 at 12:27 AM UTC
I have become
The queen
Of my own dreamscape
A hell I built
Of myself
And for myself
I have seen the blood
And smelled the sulphur
I have touched the caked on dignity
And erupted from the grave
That I dug for myself
And dig deeper
Every time I close my eyes
The thoughts dance for me
Writhing masses of guilt
And things I pine for
Things I'll never have
Because the time is not now
But when I sleep
The time is right
Because there isn't time at all
And I wish,
if not for this self inflection,
That I'd forget like I'm supposed to
I used to only remember
The splatter and heart attacks
That haunted me
The external demons
That I swore would devour me
Absorb my soul
And burn me alive
From the outside
The dreams that made me sleep walk
But now it's as if
Even in my waking
I am deeper
In my own internal nightmare
A hell built by myself
The new queen
Of all things ****** up
Of broken mirrors
And repressed memories
With every blink I take
I am discovering
A deeper capacity
For longing
And I have opened wounds
I never knew were there
And it's as if
My skin means nothing
Because when I sit in the black throne
My muscles twist
And tear
And convulse while still on my bones
With every breath I inhale
The concrete settles
On my bones
And in my blood
And on my family
We're all in this together
The foundation
Is cracking
And soon this house
Will burn down with me
I dive into an ocean
So deep within the grey matter
I didn't know existed
Things
Get
Heavier
I wonder when I'll crack from the pressure
Aug 8, 2017
Aug 8, 2017 at 12:26 AM UTC
You want everything
That isn't yours.
We're patching the ugly pieces
And pasting over the bad photos.
Don't get sad
Get angry.
You're always angry at me.
I'm trying my best.
I'm bleeding from my hands.
If I could cut out any more of me
I'd look like a cadaver.
Maybe that's what I already look like.
I just want you to smile.
I will never be the face you want
When you open your eyes.
Things have been done backwards.
They are irreparable.
I am not the future
Nor am I the past.
I'm barely the present.
I'm a pillow to sleep on,
Not necessary,
Only comfortable.
I know that I can't fix anything.
I'll crucify myself trying.
I wish I was the one you think about
At night.
I wish you wanted to hold me
Half as much as you did her before.
Now the memory
Is here forever
Because of it.
My resentment is lead poisoning.
I think maybe
I should lay down.
I keep trying not to watch
Myself
Eating me alive.
You're mean when you're drunk.
I'm mean when I'm unhappy.
If you look closely
(But not really)
You just might see
A correlation.
I just wanted you to be
The gauze in my chest.
I can't fill the holes,
I was born with these.
There isn't even blood pouring out
Anymore.
The scar tissue happened
So long ago.
There's nothing that can be done.
I'll never be
The first.
No matter how many times
I **** myself
I won't be
The last.
I hear it
When you cough
But it's my lungs that are
burning.
I know someday
I'll open my eyes
And I'll have to remember
How to breathe
With water in my lungs too.
I do not have high hopes.
I don't have hope
At all.
While I stand here
Trying to close
The shutters in the storm
The hail
Breaks all the windows
And I crack
With every
Piece
Of glass.
I wasn't built for this.
I'm not a figure
Even when I wish I was.
I will always be looking from
Outside the window
Wishing I had the money
To truly change things
When I don't.
Even if
I found myself a billionaire
Blood is thicker
Than the layer
Of pennies at the bottom
Of a wishing fountain.
You sit there
Your eyes plastic
Like all the little dolls
I used to love
And I wish I could be that pretty.
Every time
You fix yourself
Onto something else.
I find myself buried
A little deeper in the toy chest,
And you won't remember
My old nickname in a while.
I'm trying hard
To forgive
And accept things
For the ugly way they are.
The more I fight the current,
The more I taste the salt
In the riptide.
I was never
Even
Here.
Why can't you just
Look at me.
She got the last laugh.
She has the permanent reminder.
I am temporary,
The current obsession.
I was never
Even
Here
Jul 26, 2017
Jul 26, 2017 at 1:14 AM UTC
All over you like a bad habit
And you were
Living on cigarettes
The way you live on pride
Christmas isn't the same
Just another drinking day
Venus flytrap in the kitchen
The closer you get
The more hungry
And yet
A touch away from death
The softest brush of your fingers
The clench in your teeth
I am bones and empty glasses
Snow on the roots of trees
Damp, despondent
Blank.
Like eyes on the fountain statue
I thought I'd take you to see
It's always about the children
Holding hands and
Looking forward to things
I don't know how
To look forward
Brutality
I can't scar myself anymore
I can't scare myself anymore.
Empty space
In my chest
A vacuum
Mud on the side of the highway
I feel like
If I drink just enough
I'll stay that way
Warm yet slightly empty
Rotting on the inside
Like the apple on the counter
I can't see through the windows
The breath from both of us
Chases out the reality
That's smothering our insides
Like a blanket
In the basement
Ending
So abrupt
Jun 30, 2017
Jun 30, 2017 at 2:49 AM UTC