rising-up - Hello Poetry

Imagine Having an illness that impacts every facet of your life. It’s there when you wake up, and when you go to sleep, An illness that impacts all of your organs. That ravages your personality and sense of self. That destroys relationships, careers, and engagement in life... And nobody supports you. - You are ridiculed, blamed. Told that you are stupid, need to snap out of it. Others gossip about how you’ve been looking and acting. You become bathed in shame so suffocating, it nearly drowns you. Treatment is a long, arduous battle that many face on their own. Many are forced to keep up with work or school because this isn’t seen as a “real” illness. But you are essentially fighting yourself through the process. In fact, many can't even afford proper treatment. If you don’t recover, the shame persists. You believe you’re defective and failed treatment, that it’s all your fault. If you recover, nobody rings a bell. Few congratulate you or say much at all. Many who recover hit burn out, and are then questioned as to why they are burnt out. The shame never escapes you. I hope one day Individuals with mental illness Will be able to celebrate wins and have others support them in their low points As if it is a completely normal and expected reaction. Please support those near and dear They are fighting a battle most would fear.

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May 4, 2025

May 4, 2025 at 8:28 PM UTC

Shame

Imagine Having an illness that impacts every facet of your life. It’s there when you wake up, and when you go to sleep, An illness that impacts all of your organs. That ravages your personality and sense of self. That destroys relationships, careers, and engagement in life... And nobody supports you. - You are ridiculed, blamed. Told that you are stupid, need to snap out of it. Others gossip about how you’ve been looking and acting. You become bathed in shame so suffocating, it nearly drowns you. Treatment is a long, arduous battle that many face on their own. Many are forced to keep up with work or school because this isn’t seen as a “real” illness. But you are essentially fighting yourself through the process. In fact, many can't even afford proper treatment. If you don’t recover, the shame persists. You believe you’re defective and failed treatment, that it’s all your fault. If you recover, nobody rings a bell. Few congratulate you or say much at all. Many who recover hit burn out, and are then questioned as to why they are burnt out. The shame never escapes you. I hope one day Individuals with mental illness Will be able to celebrate wins and have others support them in their low points As if it is a completely normal and expected reaction. Please support those near and dear They are fighting a battle most would fear.

21

Education Something that is revered for its ability to change people's lives for the better, help people escape poverty, change the world. For me? School almost killed me. At face value, it doesn't make much sense. I wasn't being bullied, ridiculed. I excelled. But without my identity as the "smart kid" and doing well in school, I thought I was nothing. Had no other skills or values to contribute. I tried hard to break free from this thinking, Tried so incredibly hard, But this feeling haunted me. For many years. I know that's harsh and not true, but my brain was hell bent on this reality. So I pushed myself to untold lengths to excel in undergrad, tiptoeing on a balance beam, bad marks threatening to push me off the ledge. No way to live. Being out of school and in work I learned that I was so much more than a student. A volunteer, friend, girlfriend, daughter, granddaughter, hiker, traveller, runner, baker, advocate, warrior. This saved my life. So it makes sense now back in full-time school again where memorization and multiple choice rules that I feel the familiar sensation that all I am is a student and a slave to school. It makes sense the transition has been insanely difficult when I'm returning to what nearly killed me. This time, I know better, I'm in control. I will not allow school to take its toll. I will protect myself and who I've grown to be, and never let school be the end of me.

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Mar 2, 2025

Mar 2, 2025 at 10:15 AM UTC

School

Education Something that is revered for its ability to change people's lives for the better, help people escape poverty, change the world. For me? School almost killed me. At face value, it doesn't make much sense. I wasn't being bullied, ridiculed. I excelled. But without my identity as the "smart kid" and doing well in school, I thought I was nothing. Had no other skills or values to contribute. I tried hard to break free from this thinking, Tried so incredibly hard, But this feeling haunted me. For many years. I know that's harsh and not true, but my brain was hell bent on this reality. So I pushed myself to untold lengths to excel in undergrad, tiptoeing on a balance beam, bad marks threatening to push me off the ledge. No way to live. Being out of school and in work I learned that I was so much more than a student. A volunteer, friend, girlfriend, daughter, granddaughter, hiker, traveller, runner, baker, advocate, warrior. This saved my life. So it makes sense now back in full-time school again where memorization and multiple choice rules that I feel the familiar sensation that all I am is a student and a slave to school. It makes sense the transition has been insanely difficult when I'm returning to what nearly killed me. This time, I know better, I'm in control. I will not allow school to take its toll. I will protect myself and who I've grown to be, and never let school be the end of me.

25

Internally, she crumbles. She doesn't know where she's been the past few months. Living in a bad nightmare. Depersonalization. Derealization. As the robot mask of herself pulls her along. Drags her through it. As her personality fades, Sense of self depletes. Others question why, or why she couldn't have prevented this. "You should have known better" - A phrase that feels like a dagger piercing her heart. Blame Shame Fault. She's a bird with a broken wing. Mere months ago, this wasn't the case. She was a bird soaring high. Felt helpful, useful, proud. Ecstatic to be using her knowledge for good and supporting and advocating for those she cared about most. Using her intelligence and learning. How dare you shame her blame her. She has more guts and strength than you'll ever know. She conquered darkness, a feat few can say. She built a life worth living, and now that's slipping away. So call her flakey Call her stupid Judge her all you want. But she knows she is powerful courageous brave insightful reflective A force to be reckoned with A phoenix rising from the ashes. She'll shut other voices out Listen to herself Come to terms with her self doubt and forge forward reclaiming her Self

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Jan 24, 2025

Jan 24, 2025 at 6:15 PM UTC

Brave

Internally, she crumbles. She doesn't know where she's been the past few months. Living in a bad nightmare. Depersonalization. Derealization. As the robot mask of herself pulls her along. Drags her through it. As her personality fades, Sense of self depletes. Others question why, or why she couldn't have prevented this. "You should have known better" - A phrase that feels like a dagger piercing her heart. Blame Shame Fault. She's a bird with a broken wing. Mere months ago, this wasn't the case. She was a bird soaring high. Felt helpful, useful, proud. Ecstatic to be using her knowledge for good and supporting and advocating for those she cared about most. Using her intelligence and learning. How dare you shame her blame her. She has more guts and strength than you'll ever know. She conquered darkness, a feat few can say. She built a life worth living, and now that's slipping away. So call her flakey Call her stupid Judge her all you want. But she knows she is powerful courageous brave insightful reflective A force to be reckoned with A phoenix rising from the ashes. She'll shut other voices out Listen to herself Come to terms with her self doubt and forge forward reclaiming her Self

49

In a flash, the thoughts come back - "you're fat". Why? This illogical phrase used to put me in a haze, made me a slave, to its demands I'd cave. Broken. My stomach feels bigger, so do my legs, does my face look fatter? Maybe it's what you ate. You need to fix it, or I will berate. Watch it. Weight gain not acceptable, definitely not allowed, do you really want to look like a cow? Punish yourself, less in, more out, look at you, you're just becoming more stout. Silence. These feelings are feelings, these thoughts aren't true. All they want is for madness to ensue. Triggered by perceptions, automatic and vile, deeply convincing, at least for a while. Now, deep down, I know the truth. I'm healthy and active, no more to do. Fluctuations are normal, restriction is a trap. These thoughts and worries are a big load of crap. I'll move my attention, to more important things. The blueness of the sky, the joys of spring. Growth. Feel my hair in the breeze, hiking in the trees, laughing with friends, around food more at ease. Triumph.

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Apr 4, 2022

Apr 4, 2022 at 7:41 PM UTC

Growth

In a flash, the thoughts come back - "you're fat". Why? This illogical phrase used to put me in a haze, made me a slave, to its demands I'd cave. Broken. My stomach feels bigger, so do my legs, does my face look fatter? Maybe it's what you ate. You need to fix it, or I will berate. Watch it. Weight gain not acceptable, definitely not allowed, do you really want to look like a cow? Punish yourself, less in, more out, look at you, you're just becoming more stout. Silence. These feelings are feelings, these thoughts aren't true. All they want is for madness to ensue. Triggered by perceptions, automatic and vile, deeply convincing, at least for a while. Now, deep down, I know the truth. I'm healthy and active, no more to do. Fluctuations are normal, restriction is a trap. These thoughts and worries are a big load of crap. I'll move my attention, to more important things. The blueness of the sky, the joys of spring. Growth. Feel my hair in the breeze, hiking in the trees, laughing with friends, around food more at ease. Triumph.

17

When we started dating a therapist told me "you shouldn't be in a new relationship right now" Her point was valid, I was in a rough spot But a global pandemic happening Wasn't my first thought Our first date before the whole world shut down Confined to our homes Changes abound But deep down I knew This was different. I knew I was being conscientious I knew this is something I wanted to do. And here we are over a year later. It terrifies me That I can feel This way About another person. You're a light in my life Conscientious and kind Accept me for who I am And my sometimes messy mind. I love our adventures. You have taught me it's okay to be selfish To do things just for me To go outside and be active Live more carefree Yet you're still very driven And respect that I am too Always supportive I truly love you. Love A scary word. Scary to be vulnerable In an uncertain world. Attractive, strong, and caring. Strange to say but true, I wouldn't be who I am today Without having been with you. <3

0

Dec 6, 2021

Dec 6, 2021 at 4:17 PM UTC

Love

When we started dating a therapist told me "you shouldn't be in a new relationship right now" Her point was valid, I was in a rough spot But a global pandemic happening Wasn't my first thought Our first date before the whole world shut down Confined to our homes Changes abound But deep down I knew This was different. I knew I was being conscientious I knew this is something I wanted to do. And here we are over a year later. It terrifies me That I can feel This way About another person. You're a light in my life Conscientious and kind Accept me for who I am And my sometimes messy mind. I love our adventures. You have taught me it's okay to be selfish To do things just for me To go outside and be active Live more carefree Yet you're still very driven And respect that I am too Always supportive I truly love you. Love A scary word. Scary to be vulnerable In an uncertain world. Attractive, strong, and caring. Strange to say but true, I wouldn't be who I am today Without having been with you. <3

42

Ed is beckoning me. You could be lighter, thinner, better. Feel those powerful bones. Feel the control, the achievement. This body is yours to hone. No fat jiggling on your body Firm skin and muscle is all Feeling wispy, light and airy Wonderful and small. I just want to be thinner. --- Girls across the world wishing for this As they scroll through unlimited feeds Young and impressionable Fairly easy to do Just don't eat. But it can become an obsession, Always wanting more Always an imperfection to fix Just another pound more Diet, diet, diet. Eat this, not that. No carbs, no sugar, no processed food. Keto helps get rid of fat. The messages are relentless They're everywhere we look. We are so obsessed with our bodies Diet culture has us hooked. I worry about the younger generation More exposure to images of thin Sharing tips for what to eat in a day Eating bread considered a sin. That path leads to destruction. A trap that holds you tight. Where your world revolves around food and exercise Though you feel depressed and lose sight. Something you can't snap out of Will almost take your life As anxiety and depression consume you But you just can't take one more bite. We need to start glorifying balance More images of normal people. Rewire the way we think about food and exercise Something more in the middle. I'll continue to not listen to my thoughts Though some days they scream very loud. I don't need to be smaller. I need to raise my voice and be proud

0

Dec 5, 2021

Dec 5, 2021 at 8:31 PM UTC

Beckoning

Ed is beckoning me. You could be lighter, thinner, better. Feel those powerful bones. Feel the control, the achievement. This body is yours to hone. No fat jiggling on your body Firm skin and muscle is all Feeling wispy, light and airy Wonderful and small. I just want to be thinner. --- Girls across the world wishing for this As they scroll through unlimited feeds Young and impressionable Fairly easy to do Just don't eat. But it can become an obsession, Always wanting more Always an imperfection to fix Just another pound more Diet, diet, diet. Eat this, not that. No carbs, no sugar, no processed food. Keto helps get rid of fat. The messages are relentless They're everywhere we look. We are so obsessed with our bodies Diet culture has us hooked. I worry about the younger generation More exposure to images of thin Sharing tips for what to eat in a day Eating bread considered a sin. That path leads to destruction. A trap that holds you tight. Where your world revolves around food and exercise Though you feel depressed and lose sight. Something you can't snap out of Will almost take your life As anxiety and depression consume you But you just can't take one more bite. We need to start glorifying balance More images of normal people. Rewire the way we think about food and exercise Something more in the middle. I'll continue to not listen to my thoughts Though some days they scream very loud. I don't need to be smaller. I need to raise my voice and be proud

48

Things are better that's for sure but uncertainty envelopes me For that there's no cure. I don't know what I'm doing Don't know who I am Often fear the future that's coming It feels like all a sham Inadequacy consumes me Despite the gains I've made Sometimes wish I'd never done so well Want to hide away in shade. I'm still figuring out how to make sense of a world where privilege and opportunity determine the basis of your reality. Where injustice and inequities are at every corner I turn. Where people only really care about what affects themselves. I see your pain and suffering I see how it's so unfair I guess all we can do Is try to make others more aware.

0

Nov 19, 2021

Nov 19, 2021 at 4:09 PM UTC

Once Again Lost

Things are better that's for sure but uncertainty envelopes me For that there's no cure. I don't know what I'm doing Don't know who I am Often fear the future that's coming It feels like all a sham Inadequacy consumes me Despite the gains I've made Sometimes wish I'd never done so well Want to hide away in shade. I'm still figuring out how to make sense of a world where privilege and opportunity determine the basis of your reality. Where injustice and inequities are at every corner I turn. Where people only really care about what affects themselves. I see your pain and suffering I see how it's so unfair I guess all we can do Is try to make others more aware.

19

I loathe you. I’d finally gotten to a place, happiness on my face, accomplished and proud, wanted to sing out loud But that’s all gone. My body is my enemy, a never-ending foe I’ve tried hard to move to acceptance Neutrality in the least Yet here I am still angry My body is a beast. Hypersensitive to every touch Every feeling I endure Extra pounds and never-ending fat I hate it, that’s for sure. How’d I let this happen? Get so out of line? I crave stability Need it. For my small smile to shine. This self hatred is deep seated This failure hits me hard Need to do my best to stay on track Make sure to keep up my guard. Is this delusional? Probably. Most would balk at my self critical remarks. But until I can get back to where I was My mind will be in the dark

0

Aug 29, 2021

Aug 29, 2021 at 10:36 PM UTC

Loathed

I loathe you. I’d finally gotten to a place, happiness on my face, accomplished and proud, wanted to sing out loud But that’s all gone. My body is my enemy, a never-ending foe I’ve tried hard to move to acceptance Neutrality in the least Yet here I am still angry My body is a beast. Hypersensitive to every touch Every feeling I endure Extra pounds and never-ending fat I hate it, that’s for sure. How’d I let this happen? Get so out of line? I crave stability Need it. For my small smile to shine. This self hatred is deep seated This failure hits me hard Need to do my best to stay on track Make sure to keep up my guard. Is this delusional? Probably. Most would balk at my self critical remarks. But until I can get back to where I was My mind will be in the dark

32

I know I've gained weight Not too too much. Enough for me to notice To pick apart and **** Cry tears of failure, I'm a body positive fraud. I finally liked my body Didn't hate all that I see But now that that is gone, I can only blame me. Is this me or the "illness"? That I don't know I really want to fix this Don't want to grow and grow But therapy's taught me different Can't listen to that voice The one that screams and yells, "THIS WAS ALL YOUR CHOICE You're fat, lazy, inadequate, what the hell have you done, you'll grow and grow forever, weight gain never done." Part of me wants to listen Part of me wants to fight Part of me wants to give up I'm tired of this smite. My obsession with idealized perfection is an infection that's leading me in the wrong direction. Perfect is non-existent. But our culture still wants us to strive Make money off our insecurities Profits they want to drive I'm going to practice acceptance Less attention to this societal mess I've more to do than look perfect. Going to just do my best to be a person of value kind, caring and strong. That is what's been best for me Truly all along

0

Aug 11, 2021

Aug 11, 2021 at 9:19 AM UTC

Societal Mess

I know I've gained weight Not too too much. Enough for me to notice To pick apart and **** Cry tears of failure, I'm a body positive fraud. I finally liked my body Didn't hate all that I see But now that that is gone, I can only blame me. Is this me or the "illness"? That I don't know I really want to fix this Don't want to grow and grow But therapy's taught me different Can't listen to that voice The one that screams and yells, "THIS WAS ALL YOUR CHOICE You're fat, lazy, inadequate, what the hell have you done, you'll grow and grow forever, weight gain never done." Part of me wants to listen Part of me wants to fight Part of me wants to give up I'm tired of this smite. My obsession with idealized perfection is an infection that's leading me in the wrong direction. Perfect is non-existent. But our culture still wants us to strive Make money off our insecurities Profits they want to drive I'm going to practice acceptance Less attention to this societal mess I've more to do than look perfect. Going to just do my best to be a person of value kind, caring and strong. That is what's been best for me Truly all along

41

The way you make me feel is unspeakable. And I normally have a lot of words. You’ve completely changed my life Helped me see myself in a new light Quench the emotional intimacy I crave Make me believe I don’t need to be saved Altered my way of viewing the world I’ve been alone for so long Fiercely independent Learned that I have to rely on myself. Take myself to appointments Don’t burden others with your problems Stay quiet With you in my life, not any more. I can be open and honest and not fear you’ll run away Talk to you about my struggles that come up through the day Feel loved and supported regardless of what I say Magic. Your companionship Your hugs Your being. Bring joy to my life I’m grateful I met you Grateful for your heart Grateful I took a chance This is only just the start

0

Jul 4, 2021

Jul 4, 2021 at 8:36 PM UTC

Supported

The way you make me feel is unspeakable. And I normally have a lot of words. You’ve completely changed my life Helped me see myself in a new light Quench the emotional intimacy I crave Make me believe I don’t need to be saved Altered my way of viewing the world I’ve been alone for so long Fiercely independent Learned that I have to rely on myself. Take myself to appointments Don’t burden others with your problems Stay quiet With you in my life, not any more. I can be open and honest and not fear you’ll run away Talk to you about my struggles that come up through the day Feel loved and supported regardless of what I say Magic. Your companionship Your hugs Your being. Bring joy to my life I’m grateful I met you Grateful for your heart Grateful I took a chance This is only just the start

26