there is a place in my heart
where the engine runs and the starter stops
and the oil sputters black enough to avoid the cops
there's a place in my mind
where the memories wade
in the pool of the time that I would have strayed
where liquor pours and memories fade
there's a place in my **** where I would have stayed
There's a place in my toes where the empathy grows
and the root ruthlessly anchors me and slows
There's a place in my hands where I hold a knife
where I cut things out of me that **** my life.
I know of a part of me the doesn't show
It's the part of me that men like you will never know.
Sep 6, 2016
Sep 6, 2016 at 2:17 AM UTC
I've never been addicted to anything but the thrill of living.
Well I guess there's cigarettes, but does that really count?
I think about the drugs.
They're documented, here in my journal.
I feel awful as I read this memoir, "Beautiful Boy"
His father really wants him to ******* stop.
The methadone.
"That's some Heavy **** _____. What were you thinking?"
I was thinking about the high of doing something /wrong/
I walk to temptation, light a match and walk away.
Never involved, just toying with the idea.
I've had a couple glasses of wine, not high...
writing about the darkness makes we want another glass.
Is the act of expressing these emotions playing with fire?
Better pour myself another glass.
The downtrodden, the broken, the fall from grace.
I'm just fascinated.
A damaged person is more whole to me than the impeccable.
I am impulsive, unafraid of mistakes, romantic.
I treat my life and my body like a canvas.
I do not lump things into categories of black and white.
I open up to strangers and see beauty in the obscure.
I wear my heart on my sleeve.
I am no stranger to controversy.
// vacuous behavior in our world, and beneath it I believe there are people who are boiling to get out.//
People have been conditioned into eating, sleeping, ******* and buying their problems away.
I shouldn't be conditioned to feel weak about this vulnerability.
"To be fully standing in the light, one must cast a shadow"
BECAUSE it's in grappling with these dark moments, sharing & owning them/
that we are most liberated/
I accept and embrace this uncertainty
Apr 17, 2016
Apr 17, 2016 at 4:36 AM UTC
word travels & *** sells
/stomping gravel lest I dwell/
fires burn & hearts ache
/a dream yearned and willed awake/
a ponds ripple & a banshees scream
/it looked simple, reality is obscene/
flesh twists & seasons change
/a list of reasons to rearrange/
flowers wilt & the sun sets
/baby lullabies and cold sweats/
wood knocks & doors close
/deadbolts lock and war grows/
secrets whisper & snow falls
/dark drifters and phone calls/
chapters start & stories end
/laughter, death and grow again/
Jan 30, 2016
Jan 30, 2016 at 3:12 AM UTC
when the drums pound
my heart beats
and these words leak like the ink
from pens that have dried
to the words that have died in youth
but echo faintly to my future.
-r0
Nov 10, 2015
Nov 10, 2015 at 5:20 AM UTC
The truth is that I never shook my shadow
Every day, it's trying to trick me into doing battle
Calling out 'faker', only get me rattled
Wanna pull me back behind the fence with the cattle
Building your lenses, digging your trenches
Put me on the front line, leave me with a dumb mind
With no defenses but your defense is
If you can't stand to feel the pain then you are senseless
Since this, I've grown up some different kind of fighter
And when the darkness comes, let it inside you
And your darkness is shining, my darkness is shining
Have faith in myself
Truth
I've seen a million numbered doors on the horizon
Now which is the future you're choosing before you go dying?
I'll tell you about a secret I've been undermining
Every little lie in this world comes from dividing
Say you're my lover, say you're my own, homie
Tilt my chin back, slit my throat
Take a bath in my blood, get to know me
All out of my secrets, all my enemies are turning into my teachers
Because light's blinding, no way dividing
What's yours or mine when everything's shining?
You darkness is shining, my darkness is shining
Have faith in ourselves
Truth
Yes, I'm only loving, only trying to only love
And, yes, and what I'm trying to do is only loving
Yes, I'm only loving, trying to only love
I swear to God, I'm only trying to be loving
Yes, I'm only lonely loving
Yes, I'm only feeling only loving, only loving
You say it ain't loving, ain't loving
Ain't loving, my loving
But I'm only loving, still only loving
Swear to god, I'm only loving
Trying to be loving, loving
Loving, loving, loving, loving
Yes I'm only loving, yes, trying to only love
I swear to god, I'm trying but I'm only loving
You say it ain't loving, ain't loving, ain't loving
Ain't loving, ain't loving my loving
But I'm only loving, loving, loving, loving the truth
Truth
-alexander
Aug 13, 2015
Aug 13, 2015 at 2:55 AM UTC
these lush cheeks speak
eyelash you fast
I hope you see past the technique.
r0
Aug 13, 2015
Aug 13, 2015 at 1:11 AM UTC
Roses are red, ***** are blue
Take back what I said
I'll just **** you.
Aug 6, 2015
Aug 6, 2015 at 4:59 AM UTC
When I was nine a boy told me I looked like a girl on the playground. I cried and beat him until my knuckles turned white. At the time, anything like a girl was deserving of two things: disrespect and objectification. I write in the past-tense in the hope that this mentality is on its way out with corsets and Truck Nutz® .
The legalization of same-sex marriage has made it so that I'm given a [somewhat] equal level of rights to that of a heterosexual, and it created an air of safety on the streets in which saying things like ****** might now be on par with the word ****** People might start to feel more socially obliged to say sorry to me for saying it-- but not because they actually are.
For that I'm grateful, but the integration of the homosexual identity in the media is being largely focused through the male lens, and that's a problem.
The 'coming out' sports stars and picket-fence gays in shows like Modern Family completely overshadow women-- in the same way that all aspects of our society do.
I still hear that insecure nine-year-old echoing in the byzantine recesses of my twenty-something brain, “you look like a girl” and I cringe. For society to make sense of my sexuality as a male attracted to other men, I was feminized and subsequently devalued. “If you like men, you must be like a girl” and conversely the same would be applied to a lesbian, “If you like women, you must be like a boy (but probably confused and you'll change your mind, because you're a woman)”.
The problem was, that at some point, I was expected to join the cheerleading squad or football team and play with Barbies or Army figurines. I was born into a gender straight-jacket that aimed to suffocate my expression as a male into singular shade of blue, and I'm rather fond of pink.
But everyone knows that pink is the weaker and more pathetic color.
The expectations of a woman to be barefoot preparing dinner for her drunk and abusive husband has been alleviated, but there is still a monster of an elephant lurking in the kitchen.
For a movement which parades a diverse banner of colors and proclaims acceptance, therein lies the patriarchal monster rearing its head once more. For example-- Grindr, the gay male social networking app that has been all the craze. Amidst the headless torsos looking for partnership among strangers (NSA *** the unifying demand (literally almost every profile) is masculinity.
A demand that our partners appear more physically masculine as to avoid further social isolation. A request which directly results from the hurt of being feminized as gay men; it's a request that represents the patriarchal society which ostracized us in the first place for “being like a girl” (and I cringe once more).
Flashback to some age between nine and twenty asking myself, “What's wrong with being a girl?” Well, I suppose we could go the biological route and say that they are in fact smaller and less capable of lifting heavy things. Then we could also look at college graduation rates of females over males and scale the weight of each genders brain and figure out which is superior. (Did you know women exceed males in college education?) They do, and since they're aren't many sabertooth tigers to club over the head anymore-- men should probably pick up the pace.
Then I realized-- there is absolutely nothing wrong with being a girl, feminine or gay. There's something wrong with being a man.
Jul 5, 2015
Jul 5, 2015 at 4:37 AM UTC
Would you Bleed for Me?
Lick it off my lips like you needed me?
Sit me on the couch with your fingers in my mouth,
you look so cool while you're reading me.
Let's cause a little trouble.
Oh, you make me feel so weak.
I bet you kiss your knuckles.
Right before they touch my cheek.
But I've got my mind, made up this time.
Cause there's a menace in my bed.
Can you see his silhouette?
And I've got my mind, made up this time.
Go on and light a cigarette, set a fire in my head.
Set a fire in my head, tonight.
Would you lie for me?
Cross your sorry heart and hope to die for me?
Would you pin me to a wall?
Would you beg or would you crawl?
Stick a needle in your hungry eyes for me?
Don't forget me, don't forget me.
I wouldn't leave you if you'd let me.
Hmm, when you met me when you met me.
You told me you were gonna get me.
-HALSEY
May 20, 2015
May 20, 2015 at 12:21 AM UTC