rebeljohnny
"Like all dreamers, I mistook disenchantment for truth." / Jean-Paul Sartre / / I'm a... / PhD Student. Drifter. Poet. Universe. Foodie. Historian. Traveler. Anthropologist. Queer. Lost-Romantic. Activist. Critic. Slut. Warrior. Dreamer. Santero. Sinner. Magos. Lover of Men, Wine, and Chocolate. Loud. Awo. Liberal. Pervert. Contradiction. Writer. Bitch. Tease. Goddess on my Knees. Angel Undercover. / ....You wouldn't want it any other way....
Dark blue infinity,
Oh, falling luminesce fading into the twilight,
how you dance across the silent sand!
The horizon shines as liquid sun cools rose gold along the ferrous peaks,
Endless strokes weave drifting clouds into fast sleep.
The awesome silence of finality
marries the shadowed mountains
cradling the firmament.
Sound abandons the valley as the dark hides the skyline;
Sight fails.
Callous fingers tighten across
Folding arms in the still air,
Let your eyes fall towards the ground,
Exhale the crisp invisible end,
Lungs rush towards bursting
with the weight of closure as
day, possibility, light are
Erased into sublime black.
Let us lower upturned faces,
Count moments as descending
Grains of sand mark the hourglass'
rest. Time embraces former possibility, their hands entwining,
joining the downcast face now
grasped by the gorgon sorrow's snare.
Rise and fall, do our dreams and hopes, creaking ribs, shifting fabric, against the petrified chest engulfed in apocalyptic surrender.
Oh, talisman of Perseus,
Cursed for resisting cruelty,
Fated to suffer despite devotion, grace, and righteous indignation,
Medusa, terrible bearer of this same curse,
What fools are we?
What monstrous resemblance does the frozen fool now share with the ****** priestess' unfortunate victims still standing statuesque amidst the ruins of her world?
Stone-cold eyes blink endlessly,
The figure's petrified form bears the weight of starlight and the moon's temple.
Witness as futures unfold! Gaze, like Delphi's Oracle once did as man, future, and marble pillars become a singular spectacle.
What possibility shot into the heavens, now out of reach? What mortal joy falls at each day's end joining Helios and the sun elsewhere?
Call it tragedy! Some claim her despair! Oh Dante, how wickedly you call this nightmare a comedy,
Witness as the body discovers it's dream long-gone,
whispered about by lorekeepers and bards,
The vanguards of worlds such as this one,
Jolting skyward, his jaw clenches, glazed eyes turning,
Tumbling as his form reanimates,
Walk now into that abyss.
Called myth, utopia, inferno or sometime's paradisio,
All these too are visions of man,
- Which we may
Pursue but none come to obtain -
ever fading into the absolute silence
lain now to rest amidst
the chill of the desert breeze.
Nov 30, 2017
Nov 30, 2017 at 9:17 PM UTC
Am I real?
The deceptively simple
Gushes out of me
Finally
....dangerously.
****
The desert eats me
Just when I see my
Self
I walk, like Don Quixote,
stumbling drunk
On hope that
Over the next hill
An oasis affords rest
Wanderers like me
Forget friend, follow foe
Running from
Loneliness, regret
We are parched
The sun has baked through
Tattered rags I cling to,
Hide behind
What led me here?
I only remember thirst.
My lips bleed as I tell myself
"Press on"
I sought forgiveness
Mecca, some holy place,
Where I might reclaim
The sparkle I now see
In mythic treasures
...Did I once sparkle?
My feet trail prints in sand
Landmarks blur
False epiphany, hope
Stole me from the path
When you look at me
I see hope in your eyes too
Your mouth wet,
Thirsty even,
To have found me.
Am I back? Are you finally
Leading me home?
I weep at the sight and rush,
Sand flying, feet aflame
...but always I trip
You are gone, the last flickers
Of your eyes shifting away
As you realize I'm a visage in the
Desert sunset
I am left again to endless
Grains of sand falling
Marking the fleeting
Strength and sanity
That leaves to chase you, chase me,
Chase something that will last.
Am I the mirage of your
Once-present companion?
Or are you some angelic vision,
Delusion I crave,
Some taste of an end to
This trek that has worn bone down
Am I real or just another
Flickering light in
This desert where
Illusion and thirst for
Healing
...stand on the horizon before me,
Glinting between rags, tears,
And the echoes of my
Infinite footsteps
In the sand
Nov 3, 2017
Nov 3, 2017 at 1:20 AM UTC
Look out the
Dusty window,
Breathe in night's
Cool air.
Tell yourself again:
"I'm ok."
Pick the book back up.
Try to find
Any spot that makes
"Sense" again.
Sense again.
Knots in your shoulders,
Knots in your stomach.
Nots.
Not thinking,
Look out the window again,
Tell yourself you'll be ok
Breath because
You have to, you can
Control that.
Tell yourself again:
"I'm ok, I'm ok, I'm ok."
Pick up the book again...
All you can do is keep going.
Mar 19, 2015
Mar 19, 2015 at 1:55 AM UTC
I remember your eyes
The way they’d
Sparkle when I passed by
The glow of your
Ebony warmed my
Tired soul
Besitos, besitos
Da me besitos!
Warm my spirit
With your lips
Besitos, I thought,
Could be a start
Hands tangled in passing
Leading to something
Unexpected
But besitos in secret
Stayed just that
Hidden, like your glances
That ended when the world
Was watching
Besitos? No
Me gusta mas!
Let your eyes
Wander
They are cold now
Because I know
That while I remembered,
You forget
What besitos can be,
Tu le olvídate
…Tu olvídate de mí
Feb 1, 2015
Feb 1, 2015 at 1:52 PM UTC
Heart thief, Dream crusher,
You fooled me,
disabled my defenses.
Invader with tortured eyes
I gave you the
keys to the kingdom
Why?
Why did I fall again
for a wounded heart
And a brilliant mind
And your silver tongue?
Why baby, what a big heart you have.
All the better to distract you with!
Why baby, what a rough past.
All the better to fool you!
What a great communicator
All the better to lull your suspicion...
You disappeared into the night
a bunch of empty promises
a mirage in the desert
Heart thief, soldier
in the night, hope assassin
just another man
who left too quickly
to see my tears
I hope I haunt you
that the desperate thump!
Thump! THUMP!
Of my heart
drives you mad
I hope you
notice the chips in
that treasure you stole
The scars where men
Deceived me like you
And dug nails into my
once-soft heart
I hope....
you come back
And lie to me
convince me there was a reason...
Drug me into
the blissful submission
that was our potential
Dream crusher, heart breaker,
broker of lies, silence dealer,
Poison lips... I wish you had
Kissed me goodbye.
Jan 18, 2015
Jan 18, 2015 at 12:53 PM UTC
Here I stand
Toes in your cold, vast forever
Your soothing crescendos
Mask my fear
That your infinite skirts
Could swallow me up
Amidst your churning strength
For the first time
I understand your fierce love
And can open
My eyes to let my own
Heart gush forth salty and
Streaming down my face.
My sister, strong
Endless mother,
Ancestor, progenitor
Always spinning one,
Mother of the beautiful
swimming schools
Wife of mysteries.
Iya
Mother
Mystery
Queen
I find you in my
Grandmother's stern love
My sister's crying eyes
Your children's strength
And my own will to love.
May I float
In your foam-topped cradle
Sheltered from the storm
Within me until
I no longer
Fear the smashing of your
Waves that echo
My own restless heart.
Omi O!
Adupe Yemoja
Jan 16, 2015
Jan 16, 2015 at 9:17 PM UTC
Waking to the
thought of you
is
Birds cooing
pulling me from
soft dreams.
Your lips
Morning dew
nectar
Jan 11, 2015
Jan 11, 2015 at 10:27 AM UTC
Falling in deep,
Or...sending you 19 consecutive text messages
Because I can't sleep without knowing that your head and heart is racing with mine.
Or...smiling for the first time at a compliment
After years of inauthentic grins because you
See my scars ...and you love them.
Or.... Questioning everything I do
Because the day feels meaningless
Without exchanging torn pages
Of our histories to cherish like bibles.
Or... Falling deeply into your melancholy
And wondering if I can ever breathe again.
..It's 5 am and I find myself amidst
The shards of your heart again....
I lay them around me like diamond dust
Scraping the hopelessness from each
Resolved to peer into your memories
and find the light to rebuild the heart
that has blinded you
From shining for two for so long.
Falling... into your twilight...
...and finding my own beauty along the way.
Falling is flying for the first time.
Deeply, I'm falling.
Jan 11, 2015
Jan 11, 2015 at 1:08 AM UTC
Thick like butter,
My thighs and feelings are delicious
Eat me up
After all – you’re like the little kid who sticks their finger in the batter.
Isn’t it funny how a taste is all it takes to get hooked?
Watch as every confection I formulate becomes
Another fool’s “gold,” a temporary treasure
Hours spent, sweat dripping down my brow
Staining my favorite outfit, that’s what chasing you feels like
Giving you my heart feels like catering to the President
Hell, I make you three meals a day
At breakfast, I start pulling myself together
Eggs, brilliance, cream, sugar, spice, insecurity, vulnerability
And just a dash of sass
From the shower, I go to work
Where I'll inevitably toil harder than the other kiddies in their
Creepy crawler kitchen sets
Like cream, I rise to the top
Hoping to get the grade A stamp that makes me
Gourmet-quality
At lunch, I’d write you poems
Drizzle my words into pans, into molds, into text boxes, letters and journals
Pour out my soul and scrape the things I normally hide out
With a spatula
**** I let you lick the batter while I starved in the hopes of
Looking appetizing enough for you
By dinner, you needed a snack
As usual, you don’t know what you want
Chocolate or vanilla, me or the other boy, or maybe we’re on a diet again?
What’s mother say, “You just need to watch what you put in your mouth?” I'll try to avoid it but inevitably I'll be stocking the pantry hoping to be diverse enough
Then the finale,
Served up on a platter, I throw myself at you nightly.
The waitresses couldn’t package this cake more easily
Aged for 25 years, this is a deceptive little ****
See, I’m richer than any other slice you’ve ordered
Even though I’m poor. Nutritious and wholesome, I make sure I’m brains, body and as balanced as I could be to taste so sweet. I make sure I’m your favorite flavor despite knowing that I’ll never satisfy your cravings. You've had your fill elsewhere but you're here to eat it too...
It doesn’t matter how well-stocked this bakery is
I’m always the desert that’s just too much, maybe you need something less substantial?I’ll watch from the bakery window while you skip on over to the nearest fast food stop to buy your love from the dollar menu
You’re not good enough for these words, this icing, heavy like my heart,
A unique recipe
Baby, you might want this cake
unfortunately, it’s a seasonal treat
and you just missed me on the menu
You always say you could have it, but you
just can't eat it too...
Aug 13, 2014
Aug 13, 2014 at 1:58 AM UTC
The men shout at me as they drive by
****** walk like a man!”
They hoot, shout, and laugh
As sunlight blinds their white-trash getaway.
I look around and think
How ridiculous to be unable to walk
How insane for me to think that these legs
Move on their own.
How silly for me, the queen that I am,
To think that my kingdom was
Any place I was welcome.
To be queer and visible
Is to challenge
The stained muscle shirts
“wife beaters,” strung across
Tattooed skin and handlebar
Mustaches of the “real men”
Whose siren calls
Police my step.
Most men hate us
The Children of Naomi Campbell
Men, YES MEN, too unafraid
To straighten our walk
Loosen our pant legs
And be invisible.
To be properly gay
Acceptably gay, to be
Tolerable is to be invisible
To hide, to be “real man”
My manhood is ghostly
Terrifying even
My walk so dangerous that
It is unsafe to even drive by
My community is still
Dangerous, unreal
Waiting for the next truck to drive by
To beat me, tie me to a fence and leave me
Like Matthew Shepard
A ghost on a fencepole
Unwanted, dangerous,
My people are a threat
Legs too long threatening the ability of
“real men” to have simple desires
They will do whatever it takes
To keep it easy.
Walk like a man, they yelled.
I yell back the names of my family:
Tiffany Edwards,
Zoraida Reyes, Kandy Hall
Yaz’min Shancez
Bodies that didn’t walk the right way
These ghosts were once threatening too.
Simply existing means threatening
"real men" and their women
Swinging my hips is literally deadly
To be flirtatious is to be threatening
To invite violence, attention
To get what I want, to be made a man
Real man, I am not real
As if my only job is to
Show others how to walk,
As if the rest of me
Is simply fake, fantasy, irrelevant
See how easily queer people
Are watered down to something unidimensional,
Something that is only a fragment of
“real” people – we are ghosts
Moving among you
Threatening, ******
Never just going to work
But always somehow
threatening, challenging
And forcing fantasies onto the world
Why do we always challenge
What is real? What is normal?
Why can’t a man strut? Why isn’t manhood
Something other than what swings with my
Legs?
Real. Ghostly. Fake. Invisible. Dangerous.
What I hear is *powerful, noted, interesting,
….maybe even desirable.* (GASP!)
When I walk now, I walk with an army of ghosts
Led by the fallen, queens, and divas
who threatened the men of the past.
I live their lessons and proudly
swish my hips in honor of my adopted
****** ancestors.
We Sashay however we want
Because we've realized that
a "real" men is always
Just a step away.
Jul 26, 2014
Jul 26, 2014 at 5:49 AM UTC