Reaching out for something more
Before my mind shuts this door
Until my soul lingers for more
I’ll keep the faith that fills every pore
Why can’t I take this frame
And bend it back again
Will I be lost in this game
Unable to see through the shame
Shadows cast over the light
Which barely braved the darkened night
My question is, how long will you fight
When there’s only this horrid image in your line of site
Am I capable of something more
I’ve never succeeded when keeping score
The sense of loss becomes a chore
When the life you’ve longed for is no more
Jan 5, 2017
Jan 5, 2017 at 7:03 AM UTC
I wrote a poem, and I set is aside
But the words leapt off the page as if they were on fire
I wanted it to be the beginning of the end
Of a land where I grow restless, longing to hit SEND
Should there ever be that one final piece
Which claims the conclusion to this beast?
Would there ever be that final scrawl across the page
That left me so satisfied, I never again felt the rage
Perhaps I should look longer
For the keys to success couldn’t be farther
When you cast a wide net, you hope for a bigger catch
You work diligently, hoping for that match
And at long last, when you’ve made the journey for the solution
All you are left with is zero absolution
Dec 13, 2016
Dec 13, 2016 at 7:39 PM UTC
Your eyes light up with the excitement of the season
For those of us without peace, we have no reason
We struggle and we fight just to feel a sense of belonging
As your excitement builds for the holidays
And your children are longing
Many of us no longer want to fear this season
I try as hard as I can, as I can’t give up for one reason
I never want my husband to feel as if I don’t love him
Because I’ve lost all that I once had to celebrate ‘tis the season
I carry this pain around inside my heart
My mind wanders back to before it turned dark
I miss that life, as chaotic as it could be
I miss the people that are gone, the ones I’ll never see
I wish for a renewal of the spirit I am missing
It's been so long; I think I’ll just go on wishing
Nov 26, 2016
Nov 26, 2016 at 2:23 AM UTC
Don't worry about me, I'll be fine
I'll figure it all out in due time
I'll hide my pain behind my smile
Even if I have to struggle for a while
Am I a misguided fool
Hell bent on breaking every rule?
Do you see me as I am?
The one trying to take a stand
Trying steadily in vain
To circumvent all of the pain
If you were to ask me if it's all been worth it
I would shrug it off because it's not over yet
It's amazing how what is stored in your brain
Fills you with so much shame
Can you find a way out of this game
Or will you forever be bogged down by pain
Each day when I wake
I steady myself to challenge my fate
I've never asked for perfection
I only sought an end to the deception
Nov 8, 2016
Nov 8, 2016 at 12:43 AM UTC
Does the game ever end?
Because I'm drowning in the shallows
If I close my eyes and try to find an answer to these riddles
I lose all hope I once had, however little
I'm a doormat, a punching bag, a waste of time, a failure
Every day it's something new and I can't find my savior
If I take one wrong step, I'm afraid I'll fall apart
I can't stand many more jabs straight to my heart
What I allowed to continue, beat me down to nothing
I didn't choose you to be my family, but I can choose something
I've chosen for you to exit my life
There will be no returning
You've burned your last bridge and this fire will burn forever
Just remember we had a lifetime to spend together
She's up there watching you and she knows what you've done
Believe me when I say, she's not the only one
You're a waste of my time and a drain on my energy
I have none to spare and I will show no mercy
So, I'll say goodbye to you for the very last time
Funny, as I write this, not a single tear escapes from my eyes
Oct 5, 2016
Oct 5, 2016 at 9:07 PM UTC
You don’t like to stand so close to me
You don’t want to see things the way I see
You’re afraid you’ll become just like what I’ll be
Ask yourself what it is you want to be
If you had a choice you would never be me
Your fear guides you too far away to see
You pretend you’ve got some other place to be
Do you know what hurts the most?
You don’t even know what I struggle with lately
You can’t be bothered with learning about how I feel
Are our lives so far apart?
Maybe you’ve got a broken heart
Perhaps you’ve watched it all fall apart
And when it does, where do you turn?
What if you had a friend like me?
Strong enough to conquer those fears daily
What if I could show you how to be strong
Or that surrounding me with stigma is wrong?
What if you felt it all for just one day?
Maybe you would have a lot more to say
If you could look through the eyes of mental illness
Would you really find so much of a difference?
I bet you’ve had good days and bad days
I bet you’ve felt lost and out of place
I think you’re scared of the way you feel
So you blame it on something that’s not even real
Stop for a second and take a look
Ask me a question, maybe share a look
Be nice to everyone you meet
You never know what pain they’ve beat
You don’t have to look sick to be sick
You don’t have to look ignorant to be ignorant
If you try it, you could gain something you’ve always longed for
If you carry your shield of stigma forever
What confusion you’ll endure
Maybe you don’t want to know me
What about him?
Standing there looking scared
Or her, with her nose in a book
So nobody truly sees her
There are many faces of pain and sorrow
And there are many faces of stigma
You don’t have to struggle with either
If you reach out and find the wrong person,
will you blame it on the disease? Probably.
But you’ll have learned
So that the next time you meet someone like me
Standing in a crowd, terrified of the judgement
and the stares, you’ll know to go slow.
Trust isn’t easy to give or receive
When you find an ally in a face in a crowd,
Couldn’t that be your proudest moment of all?
Sep 20, 2016
Sep 20, 2016 at 10:44 PM UTC
When the anger begins to set in, I feel as if the weight of the world rests
on my shoulders.
It burns me with the fire of a thousand suns
I have to lash out
Were you there, standing behind me? Hoping for the best...expecting the worst?
You’ve been gone so long, I can scarcely remember the details of your face
In a time when acceptance was the only thing that could put out the fire,
all you had was more fuel for the flame.
One day I’ll forget but now that you’ve shown your true colors
Your bright, hypocritical colors
I don’t find it necessary to forgive
I was there every time you were lost and unsure of yourself
A helping hand when those closest to you had let go
Yet you walked out on me when I was too scared to find my own way
Hating you keeps me going
The horrible things you said are a constant reminder
I’ll never stop what I’m doing to be better
There are things you’ve accomplished that I never will
Only because I’ve never wanted to
Blessings in disguise come at strange times
And the light of the truth often shines when you least expect it
Jul 24, 2016
Jul 24, 2016 at 5:20 PM UTC
My mind wanders too far for me to catch up
The world seems so foggy
I can’t find my thoughts
I struggle just to collect the memories
That were left behind
Like a whisper on the breeze
When I’m wide awake
As the whole world sleeps
I feel no mercy from the darkness at my feet
I hear the laughter behind me
The pain only I can see
Is it too late for me to start again?
I must believe that every now and then
I can’t leave behind all that I know
So the world can learn
What it should have known long ago
I’ve never come this close to the fire
The truth is all that I desire
Pick myself up to knock you back down
If you only knew how I called for your help
Without making a sound
Jul 21, 2016
Jul 21, 2016 at 12:05 AM UTC
She grew her auburn hair long, like a waterfall down her back.
She had dreams that it would mean so much more.
While her hair was truly lovely, she still felt inadequate among the crowd.
Her weight was more than she could stand and she felt her age creeping up on her.
What she sees with her striking hazel eyes is shame mixed with the years of pain she had to endure.
Perhaps if the day would come when she would feel beautiful once again, she could let go of all that has held her back.
Her loving husband found her beautiful, but she never
felt she deserved the admiration.
During moments alone, she took a long look in the mirror and dissolved into tears.
Perhaps if she hadn't heard so much cruelty growing up, the negativity wouldn't be so easy to believe.
Deep down inside, she hated herself and her body
no matter what progress she made.
She was frightened there would never be acceptance, happiness...pride.
Maybe one day she could erase the pain of all those years, instead of collapsing under the shadow of fear.
Jul 8, 2016
Jul 8, 2016 at 3:25 AM UTC
Do you bask in the glory of a life untainted
or do you brace yourself for the next catastrophe
Will the other shoe drop before you've truly
succeeded
Or can your expectations satisfy your needs
If you stand by and watch as your world slowly
crumbles
Are you to blame as your life becomes a pile of
rubble.
Inspiration wakes your inner flame
Until you feel that sense of fear
And you're burned by the shame
Have you faced more pain than should
ever be allowed
Or were you always meant to stand out from
the crowd
Shout it from the rooftops they'll tell you
Until you've fallen under their spell
And in the end, you can only glance at the image
in the mirror
As you wonder what life could have been like
without all of these fears
Jul 6, 2016
Jul 6, 2016 at 4:26 PM UTC