When the weirdest words awaken such a consciousness of the distance in between
When my mind suddenly remembers that it's been a million years already
When my heart aches
When my breath's unsteady
When my shoulders shake
And the tears keep coming
When the fear of not reaching you stops me from calling
When my prayers are boxes of deep, deep yearning
It's okay though
I'm not sad
I was
But not anymore
I'm lucky
I have you
You're here
I miss you
I need you
I love you
Carried everywhere
I want you
I'm happy
Soliloquizing
You're not here
You can't hear me
I can't hold you
Come close
I miss you
I feel incomplete.
Nov 21, 2023
Nov 21, 2023 at 2:23 PM UTC
Thousands of conversations ago
I had not the slightest clue
That I would fall in love
With your words
Your ways
Your laughter
Now it resounds through me
Every piece of you that became a part
Of my evolved, convoluted self
I kinda see you not just in every win
But in every dream
And it hurts that I had to let go...
For every moment with you shined.
Nov 13, 2023
Nov 13, 2023 at 6:57 PM UTC
Loving you is such a journey
One designed to bring out the best in me
It's how I've never felt so remorseful about my actions
About telling a lie
I never want to let you down
I never want you to feel unsafe
Not when you're with me
Cause then it'd mean that we are broken
Broken and unable to be fixed
Loving you is such a journey
One designed to bring out the best in me
Although that seems like a long way off
It's a journey worth taking, worth completing
This doesn't rhyme or even correlate
But I just want to say that I truly appreciate
You
For loving me the way that you do
Wholeheartedly
Completely
Even when it comes at the detriment of you
I've tortured myself so bad
Cause it hurts to see you sad
And it's a different kind of pain when the one who should make you feel better
Is the reason why you're falling apart
That I had no words to say
That all I could do was pray
At the mercy of the decisions you make
Not knowing what the consequences would be for my mistake
I'm sorry that I took you on this ride
I know that loving you is a journey
But loving me would probably be space travel
Far more complex and difficult.
Thank you for loving me
Sep 16, 2023
Sep 16, 2023 at 7:27 PM UTC
Well, you got me again.
It's been a while since we rode together, old friend.
Although you've been there,
Stalking me in the shadows.
You thought I didn't notice your subtle signs,
The different costumes you wear,
The places that you hide.
But I do, and I did;
Every single time.
I was aware and wary,
But I guess not careful enough.
You got me this time,
But I promise this will be your last.
Feb 4, 2021
Feb 4, 2021 at 7:03 PM UTC
I know that I'm loved
But it's not so often that I feel so loved by those around me
I know that I'm loved
But there's just so many burdens and no one there to remind me
But today,
I knew it
I felt it
Something so tangible
I cried because of it
I laughed because of it
Long
Hard
It's like the whole year was set up for this day
Conveniently at the close of the year
Like a kind of mini-evaluation
That I gave my best when I could
I loved as hard as I should
I was there for people when it mattered
And my days were not time wasted on the flimsy distractions that life sets up for us.
Seeing those messages,
Despite the ardous task of replying them all
Didn't make me happy,
Oh no!
The word seems too simple
Too ephemeral to describe this
Seeing all those messages
Was like a reminder that I do matter
And the little things I do or say matters
That I'm loved for me, every version right till this moment
And every other version that follows till Christ comes
I'll stop here because this is getting too long
It's sounding more like a Taylor Swift song
Lol.
In all, I just wanted to thank you.
For being here, for knowing me
For showing love
I appreciate you❤️
Dec 27, 2020
Dec 27, 2020 at 5:09 PM UTC
It's been a while
I know
I remember
It's just that time flies so fast
And somehow I lost myself
And my bearings
And my visions
These days I wake up and I forget to pray
My thoughts immediately flying to all the things that need to be done
Problems that need to be solved
But in the midst of it
It became too much
So I ran
And now I'm back
I missed you
You were my source of release
The lifter of these burdens
Did you miss me?
Did you miss hearing me whine?
About every little thing?
Did you miss the way I would twist my words until they sang a deliberate melody?
I hope you did
Cause I missed you
And hopefully I'm back for good.
Aug 17, 2020
Aug 17, 2020 at 6:17 PM UTC
Everything feels incomplete
Like one part just keeps going on repeat
Same old story told in different ways
Halfway in, that's where the story ends
It just feels like something's missing
I can't get the thought out of my head
Even when I thought we were finished
I still wait for replies from you
All day
All night
I try not to look desperate
And so I count
The seconds
The minutes
Until the ache becomes too strong to ignore
My heart is torn
We're growing apart
And I can't tell if this is the good or the bad part
Probably the good
Cause when you finally leave
It'll be much harder
21-06-2020
© R.S.A.
Jun 20, 2020
Jun 20, 2020 at 11:10 PM UTC
It's funny how I love to hear the words;
When you say you love me,
My heart beats so fast - it's abnormal,
My smile gets so wide - it's illegal,
My mouth has to be covered so tight,
Cause saying "I love you" is a normal response to you.
It's funny how I love to hear the words;
But I can't say them back to you.
It's a promise that's too difficult to keep;
A commitment that I can't get trapped in;
And I'm sorry you have to suffer for my insecurities,
But I guess you should find consolation in the fact that it hurts me;
Cause that's the only gift I can currently give,
And that *****
May 11, 2020
May 11, 2020 at 7:38 PM UTC
Your texts brought with them
Little busts of joy
I'm sorry I acted so coy.
Reading those words;
"I love you"
Boosted my self-esteem.
If I could be loved by you,
Then I'm worthy to be loved.
But then you destroyed me,
And now I constantly seek love and approval
From sources that don't even matter to me.
And that *****
May 4, 2020
May 4, 2020 at 1:39 PM UTC
I hid behind that mask again;
That makes me look human enough to be loved.
All that time I thought of;
How repulsed you'd be if;
You caught a glimpse of the real me.
The more you express your love,
The more my heart sinks;
My smile dampens;
My mind freezes.
Cause I can't help but panic as I think,
"I must be a great actor,
Cause you can't see what's beneath this."
What happens when the acting stops?
That will probably mean the end;
Because the mask you love is too hard to keep up,
And eventually it will come off.
The real me is undeserving of your love,
And truly that *****
Apr 21, 2020
Apr 21, 2020 at 5:15 PM UTC