i never saw the tv glow
i maybe saw it flicker
a glimpse of color i’ve seen before,
but i turn my eyes away.
i choke it down
i run out of the room
because my father is drunk
on the other side
of that heavy old wood door
and if i didn’t tell him
it was acting up again,
he’d make me regret it
when he realized it was really broken.
someone’s hired, to fix our problem,
but it comes back
time and time again,
until eventually i learn
to come to terms
with knowing tv might not be for me,
and i’m happy with the occasional glimpse for now.
Dec 20, 2025
Dec 20, 2025 at 3:26 AM UTC
In the mirror through tears, i notice that i am dressed in the scars of every deep wound I played off like a paper cut, and the phone in my pocket weighs a thousand pounds from your text messages.
I want to skip the ******* thing in a river.
Oil and water but just as much as I know we won’t ever mix, you convince me it’s all part of the recipe.
I have shrank down, cut pieces of myself like a cake and served everyone at every table a slice every time.
Stuffed my baggage in the closet and let you move yours in instead.
Cried like an anxious dog who’s owner wasn’t around.
And we called this pain love, for 20 years.
I slipped into the role, thanks to my parents.
Mentally ill and emotionally unaware,
It’s so easy to choose what’s easy and so hard to notice your love has gone rotten.
I changed my perspective and every smooth word started to sting.
I was kind as you were building up pieces of me to fuel your own fire.
I understood until I couldn’t anymore, but you never would.
Change your perspective with me, climb the mountain and realize the hike’s easier on the way down, i would’ve carried you all the way up if you asked me. But we sat for 20 years and heard everybody on the way back down talk about the view.
I chose to sit with you instead. And when I finally took that first step up, I should’ve known it meant leaving you behind me.
I am my own destiny. I am the bullet in the chamber and the consequences of the trigger pull. I am my own mind, I tended the garden of fear and worry and constant replay of mistakes and regret. I am more than who I think I should be for anyone else.
good luck with all the **** you’ve got going on. disrespectfully yours, your ex “best friend”
Dec 18, 2024
Dec 18, 2024 at 10:50 PM UTC
What is real to me
Is not real to you
The weight on my back
You can’t see from your angle
I must be so bored
To complain so **** often
As my spine starts to give out
Pain trickles down each vertebrae
I must want attention
When you ask why my feet ache
I tell you how a man filled my backpack with stones
Oh!
You know who i’m talking about!
What a piece of **** right?
Oh.
He would never do such a thing
Well,
Because,
He’s never done that to you.
That must mean my story’s not true.
I must be so sick
And ****** in the head
To be crying at night from the soreness years later
You’d think i’d adjust to the workout
Sometimes it doesn’t work out that way.
Who would want to be around someone with such a bad limp?
It’s just easier to stay in bed.
Then the pain is just mine.
And nobody gets to have an opinion on if it’s real or not.
Dec 15, 2021
Dec 15, 2021 at 5:00 AM UTC
To live like this, is to dance on glass and pretend you aren't bleeding.
To brood, and drink, and take drags of a cigarette until the pain that sits in your chest turns to numb tingles that dance across the skin instead of sitting in your organs.
To swirl the wine in your cup and try to ignore the fact you hate everyone here.
To stay awake every single night by yourself filing through the memories and hating yourself in every single one.
To stare in the mirror, and pinch at the fat, and trace the scars with your fingers, and mourn the person you were 10 years ago.
To forever ask yourself what the final act was that did your brain in -
until you accepted that origin stories are for superman, and you're absolutely not 'super' in any way.
To be the person who'll take any ounce of attention, and love they can get, no matter how poison the source.
To never turn down free drugs.
To forever feel like you've let yourself and everyone else around you down, just by existing.
This is to you.
To the blissfully unaware, lonely, child,
turned to an empty shell of an adult.
Who shuts out everyone, and everything they ever loved,
to live alone in their own head.
May 24, 2021
May 24, 2021 at 12:39 AM UTC
the beat in my chest
that had been gone for so long
had silently hummed in the background
waiting to be found.
now it echoes in my ears
while we both laugh
to nothing at all
and this simple little feeling
that I was so convinced
couldn't possibly exist -
I found it somewhere
in a parking lot
for hours
during a thunderstorm
or was it Tangled in your bedsheets?
or in a backyard with a crowd of people,
as we locked eyes
and pulled away
not knowing
a sensation
feigned for so long
was somewhere stuck in the middle
between the two of us
waiting to be found.
May 16, 2019
May 16, 2019 at 1:46 AM UTC
When I walk away,
the memories are supposed to erupt into a final blaze.
I will leave it behind me, and lead aimlessly, into an unknown tomorrow.
embers -
remains of a fire that once kept me warm and safe
creep along my skin
I'm supposed to forget you
while I am burning alive
as if it were just so easy
My subconscious plays with me
for months.
It doesn't know how to forget
what it felt like to have the privilege of loving you.
a dream
your face lit in the glow of your dashboard
I ask you to pull over
there's no words.
I know this isn't real.
I know this won't help me.
I know you'd never do this.
you stop and look at me, as if you're reading my mind,
and I kiss you one last time
after so long of being in the cold
and this feeling
the electricity
rushes over me like
i'm caught in a wave.
You sink back into your seat
while I feel a million things
on each and every nerve of my body
and it hurts me.
to know that you started this.
the emptiness.
None of these feelings are real.
I feel guilty
and im pulled into the riptide.
And I wake up,
still walking the road
alone.
with only the chills on my spine to remind me that life was ever any different.
May 3, 2019
May 3, 2019 at 4:35 AM UTC
all the things you said
that night at 2 am
the pain I left you with
shattering regret that follows me like my shadow
it is scratched into the walls of my mind
how horrible I am
for finding myself
in someone else.
how I let myself do this
to someone I lived for
for someone who's absence
once ceased my desire to wake
to eat
to live
I have told myself many times
that my crime is not punishable by death-
that lie is the only reason I can sleep at night.
it is the only way I can stand to be alone with myself.
it was all the fear that I would never really have you
that finally drove you away
Aug 3, 2018
Aug 3, 2018 at 12:59 AM UTC
I have lost everything that made up myself.
Any chance of love I had is gone.
any breath of fresh air, ripped from my throat in a cloud of chloroform, rising from the pit of my stomach.
my heart beats like an old drum. like death.
Jul 13, 2018
Jul 13, 2018 at 12:03 AM UTC
goodbye
just for now
i'll see you
again
not in the way
that you hoped
but in
the end.
Jun 17, 2018
Jun 17, 2018 at 6:30 PM UTC
I want to dig my fingers past the muscle
and pull out my heart
so that i don't have to bear
the arrhythmic beating.
the banging on the drums
that cuts at my veins
which stings my wrists
places that I've bled before
fresh wounds
pouring out sweet regret
alternative realities unexplored
I wish I could've loved you.
Jun 14, 2018
Jun 14, 2018 at 9:04 PM UTC