Its been a long time
We haven't seen each other
you and me
the one inside that fills my soul
the one who only knows my role
you are I and I am you
striving thinking and praying
what should we do
you're married now,
who knew
that that man in the mirror was looking at you
you combed his hair
you let him near
you listened to his goals and his fears
all in all keeping a distance to keep him near
you married him and thats all you know
how to love is a great mystery
and we know thats why we are here
to learn
to be taught
to feed our souls for that one thought
of what to do
being loved, by me to you
I said who knew
you
thats who.
Aug 22, 2019
Aug 22, 2019 at 3:48 PM UTC
A hard time I lay in bed I stare at the ceiling thinking its white and beautiful as my eyes fog with tears they stream down the sides of my face I recognize the ceiling isn't perfect it has cracks in it little circles of craters throughout but for that moment of hope I felt in my soul it looked beautifully clear and white. The sunshine shines in at 12:30pm I lay in question about what to do or why to do. I stroke my wrists in need for a feeling. Of something because I'm numb. My defenses are up physically but emotionally I'm drained heavily. I strike my nails deep into my skin and it's not enough. I can't feel anything. I dug deeper to feel something. What's in here. Nothing. Do I have anything to offer anyone in this world? There's nothing here. Burns up and down strikes that are sore from slashes of self disbelief. I feel after. The burning. The whip. It's a slap feeling. It's not enough but I love some and want to stay. For those children.
Jan 10, 2016
Jan 10, 2016 at 12:35 PM UTC
If in fact you were to say
You couldn't live with the pain another day
I might believe you
Knowing we are the same
But will you lose yourself again
Will you subdue yourself to your parents
To a fixed religion
You might
So the answer I'm not sure
As you are unsure of your feelings you had for me
Love doesn't reside in you for me
It may had
But god my God do I miss you
All the running around laughing
Smiles in the sunshine
Where did it go
You stopped loving me for something you didn't know
Something that interests you
Like death
You were interested in the thought of what lies ahead more so than what we had
So you became obsessed
Obsessed with something you don't understand
Death
Well I do
Understand
Death will Happen for it has to me
Different kinds
Then you may know what now is worth
To not obsess over thoughts all day
To not believe in throwing all the money you make away
On some thought of what happens to you one day
It's selfish
Of you and of them
Amount yourself from a dark place
Of terror and belief in something that's only negative you see
God I lost you
It's hard to believe
I lost my favorite thing
I started to resent you
I started to wonder why wasn't I included
You saw that
You felt my resentment
Because your culture is a cult. All of them
We are different
And I loved you so so much
More than the words could say
And I'm still sad
Keep wishing things will go back to what they were
Why would you spend your life in sadness
In dishonor to yourself
To your soul
You have and only are harming yourself
Even if it's not us
Let your soul set you free
Be whoever you want to be
And please
Please be happy
Nov 2, 2015
Nov 2, 2015 at 3:55 PM UTC
When do we stop with the ideas of what it could have been
When do we start loving again
I find it to be hard at times
Where you sobbed on the wall
You left a dark mark
It will not come off
Even bleach cannot take it out
I believe it's a part of your soul
You left it here with me
That hard rush of sadness and truth after I confronted your fault
Your sad and troubled beliefs of what life should be
They fell out of you so deep and stayed here
With your dark eyes now have grown darker I'm sure
For we all have a demon to burn
But you left yours here
Now yours may lie inside of you to stay
I do hope one day you will understand
We are all the same
Never believe things that cause you pain
Yolo
Nov 2, 2015
Nov 2, 2015 at 3:44 PM UTC
Most mornings I think of you
Today I cried
Thoughts about our happiness overwhelm me in the realization they are no more
We are never going back there
And I miss those days more than anything
Waking up next to you once was a dream
The comfort was so real
I would look into your resting body and felt something I can no longer explain
It was a love
Not lust or greed of wanting all of you
It was undeniably real care and love
We lost it
Oct 24, 2015
Oct 24, 2015 at 8:55 AM UTC
It's been over a month and I still find myself on the verge of tears as I get lost in my own thoughts, the good and the bad. I can only hope you're safe, for I have prayed that you find your way. I think about the dancing together, the relaxing evenings, the pictures of dinner all meant for something I thought was so real and now it's gone. Or it never was. I'm starting to think it was some sort of dream, the whole thing. You're gone so what is there to believe. I am having trouble understanding the reason to live once again. I find myself wandering in thoughts, I am so so so lost. There are things, but I can not stop thinking of you. Whether it be anger, resentment, happiness. It's truly s death. One of which I will never understand. I am sad. I am lost. That is the truth. Although I play a good role of a voice who bashes my own love; or what he was. I miss you. The fact that we aren't dead. Why would we do this. Why couldn't you be a man. Stand up for yourself. One day they will go and you will be left alone here standing on a ground, where will life put you then? Will you still follow a horrid life, full of rules that you yourself do not understand. The only thing in life that is worth anything is love. Where are you.
Sep 28, 2015
Sep 28, 2015 at 4:03 PM UTC
Sometimes I miss my family so much, the weekend brunches, the shopping the laughing the fighting. When is missing too much? And when do we choose what's right for us? How do we know where we are or what we are doing is right? Sometimes I wonder if would be easier back home but I enjoy challenges, but maybe I'm starting to recognize that I have family. Some who have passed and I know what life is worth. The beauty of someone you love living is so precious and I believe should be cherished. But to what degree? If we all stayed near our family would we be consumed by comfort? Is that a bad thing? Or Oder all left the nests. Would that be selfish? Would then be the regret we hoped to not have in life when we choose to leave in hopes to never regret not leaving. What's right? We will never know. 4 years of a precious souled nephew I have has passed in his 6 years of age. And the niece well she's two. Sometimes I'm the one who feels like I'm missing out. On life. As it unfolds and grows. And for what? I am lucky. I am grateful. I have a serious need to search and find happiness. My sister once told me places don't make you happy whose around you does. Guaranteed she and I don't make each other happy all the time and thinking of going back to be able to hold her each day makes that thought worth all the loss and gain. I love them. That feeling is real and true. Something I have taken for granted. But could I live? In a small town once again? I could for the love of my family. But I fear my boredom. Because being around ppl gives me an undrugged high. Something that I crave. I crave the ppl who don't know me, the ppl who shouldn't matter but for some strange reason I have a strong comfort in that. My family, they know everything. They can see right through me. And yes they call it out; as they should. Going back home can be exhaustingly draining, but I appreciate the reality check, and I appreciate the love they give without hugs, I know it's there, because they know the real me. The real me who has such troubles no one could ever see. The real me no one in this world would wish to be. Drownding in an ocean. Floating on a wave. That's the peace I feel in the small towns. With slowly driving by faces pass I might know from the tiny tiny town, a daze I have from the years I spent drained and weak, literally unable to speak. Those memories stay when I go back. But the memories of real love, real friendship, real happiness, real music, real health, that's all there too. And so is my family. I wish they would move. I suppose I'm just not ready to leave NYC yet. Time will tell and I will remain comfortable by that thought. But the more I visit the more I miss them. Family is everything. I believe in that, and I'm thankful for the little family I have.
Sep 7, 2015
Sep 7, 2015 at 11:41 AM UTC
When you drew in the snow AR
When you told me I was beautiful everyday
When I looked at you like the light of my life
When everything you did made me smile
When I cried from the thought of losing you 2 weeks in
When I knew you loved me
When I knew the kisses were real
When I believed you
When I wanted to feed you
When you cried on my bday from
Nerves to make me happy
When we danced the limbo
When we ate cake in bed
When we took pictures of our food for an album that will never be
When we made love all day
When we slept naked
When we woke up and made love again
When we smoked and laughed
When we listened to Dave Matthews Band and you were relaxed
When I didn't cry everyday
When I tried to wipe your scars away
When you rubbed my face to clear my sinuses
When you kissed my back as we spooned to sleep
When I didn't think you would ever leave
When you wanted to see me more
When I missed you every second you walked out the door
When I didn't blame our falling out on falling in
When I told the truth about what we were going through
When I needed you
When you needed me
I miss you so so so so so so much
I miss us and what we had
It was so unreal
Maybe because it wasn't real
Whatever it was I want it back
I want those rose scrub baths
I want happy dances that you gave me
I want your smile that was my favorite
Your voice that I loved so much
Your eyes that were filled with so much emotion I could see through
I was angry you let us go
For someone else.
Aug 26, 2015
Aug 26, 2015 at 11:36 PM UTC
Roses in the bath
Run around makes me laugh
Lavender in the bed
For your aching head
Chicken for your soul
I filled your bowl
For I am lost
Without
You
Aug 26, 2015
Aug 26, 2015 at 11:24 PM UTC