i pulled off layers of myself
skin, muscle, fat
until white luminescence shone through, poking out of whatever pale covering I had left
i was so sick, i was dying
i loved it
now everything's been injected back in,
and i'm filled like a sasauge casing that's too small for it's contents, about to burst at the seams.
stretch marks like lightning strike all over
only emphasizing how much i've been stretched and filled.
my thighs chafe and my legs jiggle and my stomach has too many rolls to even count at this point.
my jaw has lost it's point, smudging the space between my neck and my face.
everything is blurred and slurred now, no longer sharp and extravagant,
no longer enviable and eye catching
but hey, at least i'm not dying
and I hate it
Jun 20, 2015
Jun 20, 2015 at 7:39 AM UTC
it's almost been a year
almost a year since I left my friends, my family, everything
almost a year since the first time I saw my dad cry
(it was when he dropped me off and said goodbye. I stood there cold like marble and didn't say a word)
almost a year since i stopped going to the gym, drinking gross things and supplements to try and rid myself of guilt, hiding everything, and so many other things to try and make myself less and less and less until I disappeared
almost a year since my life became an open book and i was no longer the main author
it's been almost a year since everything and from it I've barely gained anything except almost twice my age in pounds and some friendships that didn't last
Mar 16, 2015
Mar 16, 2015 at 11:49 PM UTC
I can't make you love me,
I want you to love me because you love me
Not just because I love you
But unrequited love is the only love I've ever known
And I've sorta given up on the idea,
on the chance of having anything else
Jun 12, 2014
Jun 12, 2014 at 10:50 PM UTC
It's been a year now
A year of being reminded of you
Thinking of you whenever I see the ocean
Or see my mom making the same meal you would always make us
Or see my grandmother. She has your eyes
And your smile, even though that's impossible to replicate
I think of you when I see an automatic reclining chair like the one my brother and I would fight over at your house
And when I see Judge Judy on TV
Or, especially, when I see deserts. Any kind rinds me of you now
Just know you aren't forgotten
I'm reminded of you every day
Feb 28, 2014
Feb 28, 2014 at 7:22 AM UTC
Sometimes I forget
How to love everybody,
Everyone but you
Nov 30, 2013
Nov 30, 2013 at 8:32 PM UTC
I have a feeling I won't be sleeping tonight
Sleeping means dreaming
And dreaming means remembering
You never realize how much you miss someone until you remember
Dreams bring memories of all the times we had
And sometimes, dreams even have the audacity to taunt me with the profound idea that I could be actually with you someday
They make it seem so real, so easy, so within reach
As if.
Dreams are temporary, they're nothing but lies
Illusions of a better life
Waking from dreams is inevitable
And waking means remembering
That I don't have you
I need to stop chasing dreams that are so far out of reach
Nov 13, 2013
Nov 13, 2013 at 4:44 PM UTC
I was told that that average heart is about the size of the owner's fist
So I would grab handfuls of dirt
And grass
And sand
But it would all slip through my fingers, and I was worried that people were the same
The more I tried to hold on,
The tighter my grip,
The more I reached out to them
The more they slipped away
I thought that changed when I met you
I reached out to you, and you didn't slip away
I could grab your hand, feel your fingers with mine, and you would hold it right back
When I held your hand, I could almost feel my heart swell as if it doubled its size
But there were other things I held on to,
Not plausible or visible things
Things like the sound of your laugh and the sound of your voice,
Your real smile that came out rarely, which just made it even more beautiful when it appeared
But you slipped out of my grasp
She took your hand from mine, and she ran with it
And you went with her
What did I do to make you slip away?
How did I let you slip away?
Nov 13, 2013
Nov 13, 2013 at 4:43 PM UTC
Sometimes I wish I could be like a shooting star
I wish I could be something people wish upon, hope upon,
hope for
Gone in a moment, but people talk about far after they're gone
Burning with rage, but people still think they're beautiful
Burning and self destructing and spiraling out of control
But still beautiful
I wish.
Nov 13, 2013
Nov 13, 2013 at 6:06 AM UTC
They say ugly ducklings
Grow up to be swans
Well, I've waited long enough
But I'm still an ugly duckling
Nothing special
Nothing magnificent
Not graceful
Or elegant
Or beautiful
I'm just an ugly duckling
Waiting for their white wings
Nov 12, 2013
Nov 12, 2013 at 5:07 PM UTC
I drew a picture
It was in blue crayon
It had my mom,brother,dad,uncles,aunts,and cousins
It looked like scribbles,not people at all
My mom taped it to her wall
Next to her side of the bed she shared with dad
She wrote the date i drew it so she could remember
I drew another picture
It was of the beach
My mom,dad,brother, and I were in it
There were birds that looked like 'M's
And umbrellas that looked like rainbow colored mushrooms
My mom hung it next to my older drawing
But didn't write the date
I drew a different picture
It was of a dog,I wanted a dog
My mom said we're never getting a dog
My dad said he wanted one
They fought for 1/2 hour
I gave my mom the picture the next day
She put it on her wall next to the side of the bed she never slept in anymore
I drew another picture
It was of my parents before they fought every day
I went into the living room show it to them
My mom was at the computer crying
My dad was yelling
Telling her she raised us wrong
I listened in,hiding behind the couch
The yelling and crying got worse
I left and put the drawing in a drawer in my room
I drew a different drawing
It was of my favorite singer
He had a microphone and a guitar
My dad was outside smoking
I thought he had quit for good this time
I went to show my mom
She was texting
She looked up from her phone
She looked at the drawing
Said "that's great"
Then handed it back without looking at me and continued texting
I put it in the drawer with the other drawings
I drew a picture of my family
My mom,dad,and brother
Without me,the way it should be
I put it in my drawer and wrote the date
So I could remember
Sep 8, 2013
Sep 8, 2013 at 2:48 PM UTC