I've spent years trying to settle with my past.
I have sat with Grief,
the most intense grief,
of people and timelines
lost,
for long enough to know
that She's not going anywhere.
I'll always have to hold her.
I could spend a million lifetimes
waiting for Anger and Rage
to build a home here,
and eat me alive.
But the two of them
never seem to find me.
And I don't think they ever will.
I could lie awake at night,
with heart-wrenching desires
of all the apologies I should have heard.
I could sob,
endlessly,
(like I used to)
while I long for all the closure I should have gotten.
But I have made friends with forgiveness,
So, I don't think I ever will.
I could keep looking for someone to give it to,
all the rage and anger,
the disappointment,
once I find it.
But truly,
I don't think I ever will.
And I know that I've earned that.
Sep 10, 2025
Sep 10, 2025 at 5:08 PM UTC
In another life, I am celebrating my first child's 5th birthday today.
My soul is equally at peace that I am not and ferociously shattered that I never will.
Some days just pass by while others crave to be felt completely.
This is one of those days.
Jul 23, 2025
Jul 23, 2025 at 2:46 PM UTC
Don't lie down in the space between grief and possibility.
It won't ever bring the peace you think it will.
Still, I sleep beside the idea
that if I don't move toward one,
I'll never have to betray the other.
Frozen,
but not numb.
Paralyzed,
but not hopeless.
It is both fine and dramatic - gaslighting myself.
A quiet storm fueled by my own undoing,
just waiting
to wake.
May 29, 2025
May 29, 2025 at 4:27 PM UTC
October was all of the moments that exist in the space between the best and the worst of life.
An absolute hurricane of the highest highs and the lowest lows,
leaving no emotion left unfelt.
I was overwhelmed with love and gratitude
and relapsed on grief and disappointment -
and it was everything I needed it to be.
Life is just as ruthless
and just as wonderful
as they say.
Nov 7, 2024
Nov 7, 2024 at 3:37 PM UTC
I don't know what's more difficult:
watching you leave
or knowing that I told you to
Nov 18, 2021
Nov 18, 2021 at 1:22 AM UTC
It’s everything
and it’s nothing.
I don’t know whether to crumple it up and throw it away
or hold onto it until it gains some value.
I have come so far
making no progress at all.
Nov 18, 2021
Nov 18, 2021 at 1:20 AM UTC
my heart is a museum of you
and everyone here knows it
Nov 18, 2021
Nov 18, 2021 at 1:16 AM UTC
There’s always more to give,
I swear I always find it.
Wanna leave you alone
but I can never just “never mind” it.
Too much hope.
Too much love.
I give far too much of me.
Build you a home inside my eyes,
I’ll let you live there rent-free.
Take my hope.
Take my love.
I’ll surrender to it all.
Hang me by your string;
let me go.
Watch me fall.
Nov 17, 2021
Nov 17, 2021 at 2:47 PM UTC
they always want to love Someone Like Me
they list all the qualities I've already introduced to them
and beg the universe to deliver what's already arrived
they look for me in everyone
and come back and taunt me
every time they think they've come close
but they never do
and they always wait till I'm okay
till I forget how much I would've loved to be loved
and convince me to remember moments
in the way they've rewritten them
the least they could do is leave me alone
but they just never do
and I know that someday,
I'll be somebody's "someone like me"
but I only wish I could just lose all hope
cause each one hurts a little more
but I just never do.
Nov 16, 2021
Nov 16, 2021 at 6:32 PM UTC
it always seems like the universe is testing me
to see how much I can actually take
without caring
if it's ever too much or not
there's no safe word
there's no check points
it's just the universe throwing everything at me
all at once
and I'm just always supposed to
handle it
and I always do
but
Nov 16, 2021
Nov 16, 2021 at 5:38 PM UTC