he and i met up at my place
and chilled and talked for a bit.
i began to feel warmth as i listened to his voice,
then looked at his smile,
his eyes,
his dimple on his cheek.
i gave him his gift:
a t-shirt from his favorite band and album.
he said thank you as he continued smiling,
and it made me feel warmer than i was before.
moments later,
we walked to the green line.
i was going to take him to
one of my favorite coffee shops in the west loop.
he told me that we would probably be late to get in.
the coffee shop closes at 5 while
we got on the train at around 3:40.
i told him that we were gonna make it.
i was surprised i would be the optimistic one
since i was a huge load of a pessimist from the past week.
luckily, we got to the coffeeshop an hour before it closed.
he ordered a cappuccino,
i ordered myself a hot chocolate.
we then grabbed our drinks and found a table
in a faraway corner near the restrooms
and began our conversation from there.
it was a nice one and i still felt the same amount of warmth
as i looked and listened to him.
i knew that he had a girlfriend
and that i shouldn't keep my hopes up,
but **** is he a gem.
i just couldn't help myself.
i was also kind of surprised how we kept looking at each other
in the eyes for long periods of time.
don't know if that's a sign or anything, but, it would be frequent.
an hour later, we decided to head out to my place again.
i took some pictures of him outside the coffeeshop
with my 35mm camera and laughed when i
saw a customer almost photobombing my photo
through the window.
minutes passed and we were already back at the green line,
waiting for the train to arrive.
the sunset was so amazing,
but seeing the view of him made it better.
we made it back to my place
and relaxed for a bit once again.
he remembered that he saw a bass guitar
leaning against the wall and asked
if he can play it.
it wasn't mine but i asked one of my roommates
if he can play it and he said as long as he knows
how to set it up.
he, of course, knew since he plays bass himself.
i heard the notes he played and i began to feel mesmerized
with every note that he played.
although his rhythm was a bit off since he
wasn't used to my roommate's bass,
he was still pretty good.
the low frequencies coming from the bass amplifier
softly vibrated my ears as i was hypnotized by
his fingers moving as he presses on each fret.
i guess the vibrations made me feel a bit warm, too.
the day finally ends as i was about to walk him out of my dorm.
when we got to the front door and before he left,
he said thanks again for the gift.
and then he hugged me.
he hugged me.
i finally felt his warmth for a second or two.
it was a friendly hug, but, it still felt nice.
i remember him saying it would be cool if he can hang
every other weekend when i'm free.
i'm gonna keep that promise for sure.
Feb 20, 2018
Feb 20, 2018 at 1:47 AM UTC
i keep hurting everyone around me
and yet i still do not know
how to ******* stop
Feb 17, 2018
Feb 17, 2018 at 4:27 PM UTC
i don't even know if the faults i have made
are ever going to be fixed.
Feb 17, 2018
Feb 17, 2018 at 1:34 PM UTC
how can you call yourself a king
when you're not even living in a monarchy?
how can you call yourself a king
when you treat everyone like they're peasants?
how can you call yourself a king
when your heart is made out of fool's gold?
and how can you call yourself a king
when you don't even know what it takes
to be one?
Feb 7, 2018
Feb 7, 2018 at 7:47 PM UTC
i think about what happens if
someone really special
came into my life.
maybe not just someone special, but,
making friends as well.
we might have a small connection,
whether it would be similar
hobbies, tastes, interests,
whatever, same thing,
and we would be really comfortable
with each other.
we would just have a good time
talking to one another.
but there would always be a time
where i would get too comfortable.
a bit too personal.
i would keep bringing up my insecurities,
a bit of my past,
my bad habits,
and the fears that i have
that relate to the world we all live in.
i guess you can say that
turning just a regular conversation
to a therapy session
would be one of my bad habits.
but thinking about it,
i forget that everyone
has their own weaknesses,
and there's going to be a point in time
where we're going to
open up to them about it.
yes, i understand that some people
would like to hide certain problems to themselves
which i still have a hard time trying to do,
but at the end of the day,
we're going to show other people
our weakness at some point.
and once i tell the other person
my weaknesses, my demons,
i would always beat myself up
and punish myself
that i had lost another opportunity
of making a new friend.
but really, it's them to decide
whether they want to accept
my flaws or not.
you either stay friends with me
and accept me,
no matter what mistake i make,
or leave and go meet someone new.
that is all up to you.
your choice.
Jan 30, 2018
Jan 30, 2018 at 3:17 PM UTC
my afflictions are like black satin
wrapped and tied up
all over my body
to where i'm unable to move.
it's uncomfortable, yes,
yet makes me feel somewhat
luxurious.
Jan 29, 2018
Jan 29, 2018 at 7:07 PM UTC
whenever i go online shopping,
no matter if it's
high end, low end, or in between,
i would always sort the items
from low to high.
not only because it's a safe way to shop
and that it makes me look like
i take budgeting seriously,
but that's the only thing i can afford.
talk about me,
a high middle class kid that tries
DESPERATELY
to not spend so much on
the things he wants
rather than the things he needs
while still unemployed
and in college
as well as getting many allowances from his parents.
you are COMPLETELY allowed to say
that i am spoiled,
i understand and am aware of that.
as i scroll down and observe
the price tags slowly rising up,
$10, $15, $29.99, $49.99, $79.99,
until it hits $3,000,
i not only thought,
"how do you think that
it was a good idea to make that
simple, plain jacket
in such a high price?"
but i also had to admit that
i really did wanted that jacket
since i thought it looked cute.
the problem with that is:
most of the stuff i wish i have
in my wardrobe,
they would all usually be so expensive,
especially since most of the stuff
i want to have is from
high end streetwear brands.
i would see almost every celebrity
wear my future wardrobe,
all looking so confident,
trendy,
iconic,
stylish.
oh, how i wish to be like them, sometimes.
how i wish to be rich.
how i wish to not worry about saving money.
how i wish to just show off iconic outfits
from amazing high end brands.
how i wish to have what i always wanted.
i know i should be content
with what i have.
i mean there always will be
other solutions to wear something
inspired by designer clothes
i've dreamed to have.
but **** would i look good in that
$3,000 jacket.
Jan 25, 2018
Jan 25, 2018 at 1:51 AM UTC
when i heard the words,
"timmy is an average kid
that no one understands,"
i really felt that.
Jan 24, 2018
Jan 24, 2018 at 12:48 PM UTC
the top of my cradium expands
as my brain becomes hollow,
releasing bad memories and thoughts
from every corner and wall.
i could see so many hands
dragging me and begging me to follow,
wrapping me up into knots
that have kept me from trying at all.
this anxiety,
this feeling,
this pressure in my mind
that has been stuck with me
for all my life,
i want it to end.
but i don't know when it will.
Jan 24, 2018
Jan 24, 2018 at 12:39 PM UTC