my room was filled with darkness, except for the flashlight i was holding.
pacing and pacing and pacing
crying and crying and crying
my note to you was written in blue ink that looked like scribbles.
you told me i could talk to you but you became angry whenever i did.
i decided i would give up.
i couldn't bear starving myself anymore.
i couldn't look at myself anymore.
i couldn't stand watching you rapidly distance yourself from me.
my hips were bleeding and the blood was dripping down my thighs and sticking to my sweatpants.
i looked through every drawer and every cabinet in my bedroom.
i stayed silent because my family was sleeping peacefully and thought i was, too.
i couldn't find the pills.
i looked through the same drawers and cabinets hoping that i would see those tiny white circles in that tiny plastic bag.
i couldn't find the pills.
i decided i would go to bed.
i lit the note for you on fire and threw it out of my bedroom window and into my lawn.
all that pacing and all that crying tired me out
and i curled up in bed with blood all over my legs
and gently cried myself to sleep.
Feb 24, 2019
Feb 24, 2019 at 10:04 PM UTC
i remember the day i looked myself in the mirror
and i was content with how i looked
despite looking chubbier
for the first time.
there had been fireworks for the past couple days,
and i really liked them.
my mind was on a journey somewhere nice,
but a few hours later i was violated.
it feels like the universe doesn't want me to love myself
or to feel secure
Nov 6, 2018
Nov 6, 2018 at 7:04 PM UTC
you were on my mind a lot today
and i didn't know why
until i remembered that i was drinking from that
blue metallic coffee mug
that you gave me a couple years ago
Oct 8, 2018
Oct 8, 2018 at 5:44 PM UTC
it's kind of sad to me how now
i might finally be starting to get a little better
but now i wish i used to work harder
and do more
but i know i wasn't able to
because i was so sick
but it hurts that i feel like
i wasted so much time
Oct 8, 2018
Oct 8, 2018 at 5:42 PM UTC
i'm getting bad again.
i'm kind of vain. i look at my reflection often.
i feel terrible every time.
it kind of reminds me of when my baby teeth would get loose.
i'd push my tooth side to side with my tongue.
there'd be a twinge of pain, but it felt good.
locking myself in my bathroom and pulling my shirt up to see my waist is like that.
it hurts me every time---
constantly reminding me of how i'll never look the way i should,
but i can't stop.
Jan 30, 2018
Jan 30, 2018 at 4:49 PM UTC
i sent flashing lights to his door,
i didn't want to risk it.
the image of those pills and that deep brown coffee liqueur scared me, the thought of him filling himself with it.
he told me he wasn't mad at me for it,
he told me everything was okay and not to do it again, though.
i guess he felt too bad,
i guess it hurt him like last time.
she sent the flashing lights to the forest,
she told me that things weren't looking up.
my cheeks are tacky with tears,
my nose is stuffy.
now i'm just waiting all night,
now i'm just waiting until i get a message that they found him in the forest.
i can't sleep knowing that i'm part of why,
i can't sleep wondering if he'll be okay.
Sep 22, 2017
Sep 22, 2017 at 3:44 AM UTC
i like fire.
i like the way a flame dances on a wick,
how it waves from side to side.
i like the color of fire,
the way it's deep orange in its center and its edges are pale gold.
i like the danger of fire,
how quickly it can spread if you're not careful.
i like the feeling of fire,
the buzzing heat that bounces off of it, the searing burn when your hand gets too close.
Aug 9, 2017
Aug 9, 2017 at 4:09 PM UTC
my birthday is in one week.
i don’t care about my birthday.
i don’t want people focused on me.
i just wanna drink my *** and light up.
i don’t want anything.
i don’t want people to remember me.
i just wanna vanish.
i don't know if i can vanish if people care about me.
i don't know if i can escape if i'm gonna hurt them.
i’m just glad that i’m getting closer to the day where i have permission.
Aug 5, 2017
Aug 5, 2017 at 10:27 PM UTC
i can feel you letting go.
i can feel your tight grip around my hand loosening.
i'm afraid of how cold my palms will be when you let go.
i'm afraid of not feeling your soft skin against mine.
i'm in so much pain watching you walk away.
i'm in so much pain watching you lose interest.
when you were gone, we both learned to be independent.
when you were gone, i finally managed to restrict myself from missing you.
when you were gone, i think you finally managed to do the same.
when you came back, i think i was okay without you. until you told me that the only thing you were certain about was me.
when you came back, i think you realized you don't need me anymore. that it's easier without me.
if that's the case, i hope you'll just tell me.
if that's the case, i hope you'll help me get over you.
Jul 26, 2017
Jul 26, 2017 at 11:33 PM UTC
i really want to do it.
i can do it.
it's not worth the wait. i don't want to wait so long.
it's mine, anyway. so it doesn't matter.
when i do it, it'll be over.
i'm just afraid that maybe i'm wrong. maybe it isn't mine.
that maybe if i do it, it won't be over.
and it'll be worse. not for me, but for them.
it'll be good for me. but i don't know what will happen to them.
Jul 26, 2017
Jul 26, 2017 at 11:28 PM UTC