I'm not the person I used to be.
That girl loved pink,
Dressing up in the brightest fluorescent dresses,
Laughing, playing,
Spending hours wrapped in the comfort of friends.
I'm not the person I used to be.
And if I were,
I'd still be stuck in an endless loop.
A carousel of fire, rage,
Raw feelings with nowhere to go.
The girl I used to be suffered.
If I slipped back into her skin,
Knives would pierce my heart,
Placed there by people who see softness,
As an invitation to take advantage.
Sometimes, I visit her again,
When my mind gets loud,
When thoughts start racing and raging,
And I speak before I think,
Blind to the consequences,
And the reasons behind my own reactions.
When I return to her, guilt follows.
It sticks to me like superglue,
Unshakable.
She presses herself against me,
Trying to shield me from harm,
Even when I no longer need the armour she wore.
I like having a bodyguard inside me,
A quiet force built out of survival.
But what good comes without something bad?
With that protection,
Comes the risk of hurting people unintentionally,
Not from cruelty,
But from instinct.
From a heart that's still learning,
It doesn't have to fight to stay safe.
T.H
Mar 17
Mar 17, 2026 at 7:55 AM UTC
You look at me like you're already mine,
But speak in 'ifs' and 'maybes',
Like love's a coin you're scared to flip,
So you keep me in your 'almosts' or 'somedays'.
You hold my hand,
But not my heart,
Say you feel something deep,
But can't promise a start.
You call it timing,
You call it fear,
But I'm still the one,
Standing here.
I'm not a pause,
Not a backup plan,
Not for someone to shelf,
While you figure out if you can.
Because I love like fire,
Bold and bright,
Not hidden behind,
A hesitant light.
So if you won't choose me,
That's your right.
But I won't stay waiting,
In your half-lit night.
T.H
Mar 17
Mar 17, 2026 at 7:45 AM UTC
As I sit in silence, alone in a shadowed room.
The air still, a weight pressing in.
Suddenly, the thought explodes
Alarms in a chorus,
Flashing,
Clanging,
Pulling me up.
Fingers hum first,
A wrong note.
What's happening inside of me?
Am I unravelling?
My chest tightens,
A knot of fear.
What if I can't catch my breath?
What if I die here?
I'm gasping,
My lungs struggle,
Air is out of reach.
Why can't I breathe?
Am I having a heart attack?
I have to search about this,
Google says I'm dying.
Voices say I'm just being foolish,
Don't look, don't trust!
But what if Google is true?
What if I am actually dying?
Why am I being like this?
Why has this come on so sudden?
"Just breathe!", people tell me,
But I'm trapped inside this loop,
Fidgeting,
Thinking about every trust inside me.
Am I overthinking?
No, no I'm okay!
But what if I'm actually dying?
But people tell me I'm not!
The fear is still spiralling,
I'm calling emergency services for help,
They explain it's just a panic attack.
But the feeling I have feel so real!
Why is my body attacking me?
And as the tremor slowly fades,
Few tears fall down my face.
I breathe in slow with guidance from the calming paramedics.
I remind myself this will pass.
It's just an illusion.
And I try to hold on.
T.H
Mar 17
Mar 17, 2026 at 7:05 AM UTC