I thought I knew what I wanted when I came here. I think that’s how most people think anyway. They have this idea in their minds of who they want to be and it’s exciting and hopeful. I’ve always had trouble with my identity. I was a rambunctious little girl to an angst full teen to a raging selfish ***** to an emotional wreck to a human and then to a planet. And that’s where we stand right now.
I’ve had such the identity crisis that I honestly believe that I gave up being a human being and settled on being a planet. Far, cold, distant, and lonely. Pretty accurate. But coming here I wanted to try to be a human again. I missed it, honestly. I wanted to feel something more than just ice in my core and a fabricated warmth on the outside. So, I tried again. I tried to be human again. And I let whatever that means in – people, life, hurt, pain, happiness etc. And for a while it worked. There was, of course, a lot of feeling. And when I say that I mean crying. Like so ******* much. But I still let things in that I haven’t let in for a very, very, VERY, long time. I let life give me back my ******* insane emotions, I let them in, I let her in, and him in. I let him in.
But I realized that what I thought I wanted is not what I really want. It’s not what I need. It’s ******* nothing. I tried, I really ******* tried, to become normal again. To be HUMAN again. And it wasn’t worth it. In the end it just made me feel like I was being used, like there is this lie everyone knows but no one speaks of. IT’S LIKE EVERYONE IS IN ON IT. And I thought I could ignore it, I thought I could push it to the back of my mind and hope that God loves me and everything would be okay.
I thought I could do it.
But I let them in… not only that I let them touch me. I thought I could let people touch me again but all I feel is violated. All I feel is constant ******* pain and regret. And when I ignore that pain it just gets worse. And when I tell someone about my pain they don’t get it. Because they are human. Because they are ******* human and they don’t care about me they care about themselves. They care about their life and emotions and constant ******* pain. And they ignore it SO ******* WELL.
AND I WONDER WHY I CAN’T IGNORE IT. I WANT TO KNOW WHY I CAN’T ******* TURN A BLIND EYE BECAUSE THIS PAIN IS EXCRUCIATING AND NO ONE IS TALKING ABOUT IT NO ONE ******* CARES AND I WISH I DIDN’T ******* CARE BUT I DO I ALWAYS DO.
I’m tired again. And I know now that I can’t be human anymore.
I am forever just a cold and a distant planet with a heart too big for humanity.
Sep 22, 2016
Sep 22, 2016 at 6:17 AM UTC
the first time you said I love you was on Valentines day.
On the way back to my house, on a winding street lined with pine trees
You said it as a joke, and that's why I laughed
the second time you said I love you was when we were on your living room floor
vinyls upon vinyls with the wrapping all around us
this time I just ignored it and gave a tight smile
the third time you said I love you it was attached to a quick goodbye on the phone
I hung up before I could react and dropped to the floor right after
because how the **** could you ever love me and not know about the planet of skeletons I have in my closest?
you never seen my bad days or my worst days
you don't know the way I light up and the way I fade away
you don't know the voices in my head or the numbers on my arm dialing a phone home
hell, you don't even know what that means
you can't love me because you don't even know that I'm a planet
you can't love me because you don't know that I gave up being a human a long time ago
and you can never love me because you'll never understand why
Apr 18, 2016
Apr 18, 2016 at 9:02 AM UTC
3:04 AM
hey are you up
3:04 AM
i need to see you... or talk to you
3:05 AM
or at least know you're there
3:07 AM
you're probably sleeping...or with someone else who matters
3:07 AM
I know we haven't talked in a long time but I really need you right now
3:08 AM
remember when I told you about my really bad days and how I think the world is about to crumble any second and the sun will never rise again and all the planes flying over my house are going to crash right into it and how every car on the road seems like its about to slam right into mine and how i'm terrified of everyone and everything?
3:09 AM
yea thats what happening right now
3:09 AM
look i need you to ******* pay attention to me right now you ******* owe me
3:09 AM
I'm sorry i didnt mean that i just really ******* need you
3:09 AM
please
3:09 AM
are you there
3:10 AM
do you care
Nov 2, 2015
Nov 2, 2015 at 8:17 PM UTC
Come to me
with those light eyes illuminating in the darkness
filled with lust, hope, dust ... maybe even love
Walk slowly
with each step
making small vibrations in the house I wish to call my home
I want to hear every creak and every whine it makes
I want to hear it breathe
Don't rush
Take your time
I want to see your chest rise and fall-- quickening with each step you take towards me
I want you to bite your bottom lip, or run your tongue over it
I want to see your eyes look me over.
You don't look at me like you only want me in your bed--
but with you, completely.
like you want to see me in your next life (and the one after that)
like I was the Garden of Eden and you were Adam
like I just became your favorite song or movie
like I was a dream-- the one you'll never forget
Hold your hand out now
let me see the blood pulse through your veins
let the anticipation build up
Be steady as you come closer
I can smell you now,
hints of your cologne from this morning
and a rush of your soap from the shower just now
I hear you say my name from your lips
barely a whisper
barely even heard-- but my skin ****** nevertheless
I'm yearning for you
Come to me
Come to me and never go back to where you were before
Come to me
Come to me
come to me
Sep 3, 2015
Sep 3, 2015 at 10:50 AM UTC
I used to think of my parents as divorced.
Legally, they were not. They lived in the same house, had the same last names, and on every legal document it stated that they were married.
Though it did not feel like that.
They lived in the same house, but they did not share the same bed. They had the same last names, but their morals were so different they seemed like strangers. They were technically married, but it felt as if they have been divorced for years.
As a child this brooding question had been lingering in my mind that has yet to be answered.
Why do people stay when they are supposed to leave?
Or why do people leave when they are supposed to stay?
I asked my mother why she did not leave my father yet, and she said it was because of my siblings and I. Though, the way she said it seemed as if it was an excuse for something bigger. Every time I would push her to answer my question, she would scold me for being too curious and repeat the same saying , “Curiosity killed the cat,”.
But I was not a cat. I was a confused child who has been through too many years of her parents fighting for no reason or too many reasons.
I grew older, my parents were still together, and the question still never left my mind. Before I knew it, relationships were sprouting all around me. All my friends changed their relationship statues to Taken, my sister started talking about boys more often, and every question out of everyone’s mouth was who was single and who was on the market. It sounded as if everyone became merchants waiting eagerly until a new, rare, product was in stock.
Of course, people fell out of relationships, and I realized it was the same way of falling out of love. It’s just as easy as falling in it, and thats what people are afraid of. I started asking around my question again.
Why do people stay when they are supposed to leave?
Why do people leave when they are supposed to stay?
And the answer remained in the format of excuses. It was always because of someone else leaving first, or the usual “thats just how things are,”response. It was so frustrating.
Out of bitter frustration, I decided to figure it out myself. I allowed myself to become very close with once a mutual friend. We shared secrets and told each other embarrassing stories we never told anyone before. We went out of our way just to see each other and even called each other Soul Mates. I found myself forgetting that this was all an experiment, and started to believe that we were, in fact, Soul Mates. We started to talk about getting into the same colleges, and moving in with each other while in college and after. We started planning road trips that would take two months and even introduced ourselves to each others parents.
Then that person left. Just as easily as they came.
It took me by sudden surprise, and I became immobilized for a while due to shock. I realized that it hurt, giving all of yourself to someone and letting them walk away with all you gave them as if you’re just a nostalgic memory, or a forgotten trinket. My question surfaced again, with much more rage and hurt this time.
Why do people stay when they are supposed to leave?
Why do people leave when they are supposed to stay?
Why do people leave?
Why do people always leave?
In my final conclusion of my hypothesis, I have realized that people leave because they were not supposed to stay in the first place. Everyone and Everything is temporary. I do not think the point of life is to find your soul mate. I do not think its to find someone to spend your whole life with. I think its to try and change every persons life you encounter with. It does not have to be nuclear, it could be really subtle. But change it in some way, for the better hopefully.
I think my parents are staying together for the better. I hope so, at least.
Aug 18, 2015
Aug 18, 2015 at 5:16 PM UTC
I live through the last lines in books. Thats where you could find me if you wanted to. Thats where I reside.
I don't mind the dust. In fact, I've grown to befriend the lonely particles as well as the dog-eared pages I used to despise.
But, still- If you want, you could find me. Only at the last line of books.
Aug 15, 2015
Aug 15, 2015 at 9:57 AM UTC
I wrapped my large arm around the house of the pure and stayed until the morning, reciting the mantra I made up
If I stay, they will. If I stay, they will
Aug 3, 2015
Aug 3, 2015 at 4:23 PM UTC
- I made many mistakes but loving you was never one of them
- I'm sorry I left first
- Every time I think of your face a part of me disintegrates, I don't know whether this is a good or bad thing yet
- I never loved anyone as much as I loved you, please never forget that
- You've changed me, and I don't know if it was for the better, but I'm not the same anymore
- I hope you know that I was ready to run away with you at any second
- You were the first person that made me feel like I belonged somewhere
- You're probably still confused to why I left you, and it's better that you don't know. But, I want to make it evident that you were my first home. Now, I need to move.
- You will always be a part of me, and I hope I will always be a part of you
- You'll always be my petal
- I'm sorry all of this is a little bit too late
Jul 25, 2015
Jul 25, 2015 at 12:34 PM UTC
Don't mind the days we don't speak for hours
Don't mind if they turn into weeks
If you see a scar on our bodies, think nothing of it. Never ask how we got it, just look the other way.
If you see our journal lying on the bed, move it to the table side and walk out of the room.
If we look frail, smile at us and leave the stove on.
If our eyes are red, hand us eye drops and give us cold glass of water.
When the principal calls to see how we are doing after a week of not coming to school, tell him we came down with something contagious. Don't tell him we ran away for a couple of days.
When my friends don't come over or call, don't think anything of it.
If you're worried, don't be. We'll be alright soon enough, we just have to get through all this **** by ourselves first.
Jul 23, 2015
Jul 23, 2015 at 11:56 AM UTC
I am a girl that calls herself a planet.
I do this because I look around and I see that I don't belong. I first thought it was the world that was different, but as I grow older I see that it is I that differs. The things I like are deemed weird. I speak with blunt force and honesty- but in this society that is looked down upon. I am not what beautiful is defined to be. In fact, I'm the exact opposite. So, I choose not to be seen.
Yet, I want to be wanted. Though being wanted is unattainable for a planet like me. I have a house, but not a home. I have parents and siblings, but not a family. I have people to talk to, but not friends. I am alone. It's not that I feel too small for this world, it is that I feel too big. I'm not good around people. So, I must be alone for the better of society. And I'm afraid, that I will be alone for the rest of my life.
That is the burden of being a planet; remaining untouchable.
Jul 21, 2015
Jul 21, 2015 at 7:43 PM UTC