phil-4 - Hello Poetry

**** i done ****** up now. Everyone can see that im a ******* clown. What was i thinking? Made an *** of myself, guess these are just the cards ive been dealt. cant trade two out in hopes i get a better suit. But what am I supposed to do when i got four 2s? If you play by the rules, then a deuce can be wild. But sometimes you cant play fair, gotta keep a spare card or two up your sleeve, it may seem like cheating, but that depends on how you wish to perceive it. too much craziness and leave you feeling like you been exiled from reality. when all of your stresses have sporadically compiled in the back of your head, its a ****** tragedy how easily those thoughts can spread, but never have i once thought I'd be better off dead. Depression and anxiety can be crippling, one thought leads to multiple waves rippling and encrypting hateful data to my brain. I feel like im sometimes missing the capability to keep myself sane.

0

Nov 12, 2018

Nov 12, 2018 at 2:47 PM UTC

40

**** i done ****** up now. Everyone can see that im a ******* clown. What was i thinking? Made an *** of myself, guess these are just the cards ive been dealt. cant trade two out in hopes i get a better suit. But what am I supposed to do when i got four 2s? If you play by the rules, then a deuce can be wild. But sometimes you cant play fair, gotta keep a spare card or two up your sleeve, it may seem like cheating, but that depends on how you wish to perceive it. too much craziness and leave you feeling like you been exiled from reality. when all of your stresses have sporadically compiled in the back of your head, its a ****** tragedy how easily those thoughts can spread, but never have i once thought I'd be better off dead. Depression and anxiety can be crippling, one thought leads to multiple waves rippling and encrypting hateful data to my brain. I feel like im sometimes missing the capability to keep myself sane.

19

Somethings aren't always what they seem, and just weren't meant to be. But i wish i coulda seen things play out like they did in my dreams.

0

Nov 10, 2018

Nov 10, 2018 at 1:13 PM UTC

42

Somethings aren't always what they seem, and just weren't meant to be. But i wish i coulda seen things play out like they did in my dreams.

4

Why cant i do the things i want? I got no ***** to put myself out there at all, it seems like i dont care but honestly its the only thing thats on my mind. Why cant i ******* find the courage to spit out the words and all my feelings. This self hatred is exceeding the acceptable boundaries. I ******* hate myself some times. I think the only way to unwind is through a blunt. But guess what, i smoke too much and my anxiety runs a ******* muck. I need to hit the mats. I feel its the only way i can truly relax. I need to smoke and roll, thats just seems like its my only vice. But the untold place of my true happiness with through the touch of a woman. It seems like kind of an odd omen, cause i dont when and how to talk to em. When i think too much about it my anger boils up and theres no way around it. My dreams are foiled cause some how my subconscious is toiled in not letting myself find happiness. Its like i only seem to be comfortable when im stuck and smothered in some crappiness. But got **** its so hard to live with myself sometimes. Im emotionally worn out. All i can do is just cry

0

Nov 4, 2018

Nov 4, 2018 at 9:43 AM UTC

39

Why cant i do the things i want? I got no ***** to put myself out there at all, it seems like i dont care but honestly its the only thing thats on my mind. Why cant i ******* find the courage to spit out the words and all my feelings. This self hatred is exceeding the acceptable boundaries. I ******* hate myself some times. I think the only way to unwind is through a blunt. But guess what, i smoke too much and my anxiety runs a ******* muck. I need to hit the mats. I feel its the only way i can truly relax. I need to smoke and roll, thats just seems like its my only vice. But the untold place of my true happiness with through the touch of a woman. It seems like kind of an odd omen, cause i dont when and how to talk to em. When i think too much about it my anger boils up and theres no way around it. My dreams are foiled cause some how my subconscious is toiled in not letting myself find happiness. Its like i only seem to be comfortable when im stuck and smothered in some crappiness. But got **** its so hard to live with myself sometimes. Im emotionally worn out. All i can do is just cry

1

No matter how much has changed One thing still remains the same That all I know is pain The physical Felt like ive had spears driven through My legs. Its like a plague that Wont go away The pain is so unbearable, I tell My doctors and they don’t seem To care at all My knees feel like they will buckle With ease. My left feels so unstable Im surprised im even able to walk My right causes so much pain, it Sometimes pauses me in my tracks My wrists aren’t much better. Can Barely lift a feather. Can’t swing A bat, throw a punch, or lift weights At that, without a shooting pain In my radius. Feels like its gonna break Again, and I truly am afraid of this. My ankle is always sore, even Though the bone isn’t dead anymore, I fear itll collapse just walking in the store The mental I feel nothing but emptiness My stomach and chest are nothing But hollow pits. Wherever I go, I Always feel like something is wrong No matter who im with, always Feels like I don’t belong. Sometimes when I close my eyes, I still see it, the spot where my Body lies, and where I should have died. The blood, the grass, the rocks, its All so vivid. Since then ive lived Life oh so timid. My struggles have Exceeded its bearable limit. It Brings a tear to my eye, but for Some reason, I cant seem to cry

0

Oct 12, 2018

Oct 12, 2018 at 5:08 PM UTC

27

No matter how much has changed One thing still remains the same That all I know is pain The physical Felt like ive had spears driven through My legs. Its like a plague that Wont go away The pain is so unbearable, I tell My doctors and they don’t seem To care at all My knees feel like they will buckle With ease. My left feels so unstable Im surprised im even able to walk My right causes so much pain, it Sometimes pauses me in my tracks My wrists aren’t much better. Can Barely lift a feather. Can’t swing A bat, throw a punch, or lift weights At that, without a shooting pain In my radius. Feels like its gonna break Again, and I truly am afraid of this. My ankle is always sore, even Though the bone isn’t dead anymore, I fear itll collapse just walking in the store The mental I feel nothing but emptiness My stomach and chest are nothing But hollow pits. Wherever I go, I Always feel like something is wrong No matter who im with, always Feels like I don’t belong. Sometimes when I close my eyes, I still see it, the spot where my Body lies, and where I should have died. The blood, the grass, the rocks, its All so vivid. Since then ive lived Life oh so timid. My struggles have Exceeded its bearable limit. It Brings a tear to my eye, but for Some reason, I cant seem to cry

40

When I was younger, I wrote about love and tranquility, no wonder cause I felt so un-wrung and free. But over the years you will see, a different pattern of my thoughts and whats real to me, through each one of these soliloquies. feels like I have no one around to care for me. Getting really tired of all this negativity. Self-doubt and loathing unfortunately has taken its toll on me. my mind has been polluted and diluted so much so, leaving the past behind has no real possibility

0

Oct 9, 2018

Oct 9, 2018 at 11:57 AM UTC

37

When I was younger, I wrote about love and tranquility, no wonder cause I felt so un-wrung and free. But over the years you will see, a different pattern of my thoughts and whats real to me, through each one of these soliloquies. feels like I have no one around to care for me. Getting really tired of all this negativity. Self-doubt and loathing unfortunately has taken its toll on me. my mind has been polluted and diluted so much so, leaving the past behind has no real possibility

11

I don’t know why I have a Hard time overcoming my shyness I recognize this especially When I talk to the finest chick in class But still I notice it even when Someone I know walks pass I cant figure out why its so Hard for me to say hi I feel a lot of it has to do with My self image In my mind I often scrimmage Conversation I could or should have had With the people I know In my imagination everything Feels so euphoric I can get by in life with little To no complication Need to find an inspiration to get Me out of my shell Its like I’m cast under a spell Which forbids me from leaving my cell Trapped in solitary confinement It feels like I’ve wasted my life away Now I sit here and wonder just Where the time went

0

Sep 27, 2018

Sep 27, 2018 at 1:11 AM UTC

14

I don’t know why I have a Hard time overcoming my shyness I recognize this especially When I talk to the finest chick in class But still I notice it even when Someone I know walks pass I cant figure out why its so Hard for me to say hi I feel a lot of it has to do with My self image In my mind I often scrimmage Conversation I could or should have had With the people I know In my imagination everything Feels so euphoric I can get by in life with little To no complication Need to find an inspiration to get Me out of my shell Its like I’m cast under a spell Which forbids me from leaving my cell Trapped in solitary confinement It feels like I’ve wasted my life away Now I sit here and wonder just Where the time went

25

Everywhere I go, I put on a mask Nothing but fake smiles and laughs To everyone that I pass, I do this so My true emotions won’t show Sometimes I forget the only task that I had And leave my mask back at the pad Revealing to everyone my apathetic tone I tend to push people away Not listening to what they may have to say I dont let no one get to close, because I Know when you do, that’s how they’ll hurt you the most

0

Sep 25, 2018

Sep 25, 2018 at 7:04 PM UTC

36

Everywhere I go, I put on a mask Nothing but fake smiles and laughs To everyone that I pass, I do this so My true emotions won’t show Sometimes I forget the only task that I had And leave my mask back at the pad Revealing to everyone my apathetic tone I tend to push people away Not listening to what they may have to say I dont let no one get to close, because I Know when you do, that’s how they’ll hurt you the most

11

for some reason I’ve had her on my mind lately it was weird to see her like my pics kinda figured she would hate me i couldn’t really blame her if she did i guess i shouldn’t have hid who i truly am, a broken man with no plan she told me to get my **** together i should have tried to listen better now i’m stuck just reminiscin’ over that glisten in her eye i feel like i kinda did it to myself on purpose but it really wasn’t worth this feeling of regret i don’t think i can ever forget that feeling i got when i made her smile i swear its been a while since i felt that way for someone but i can’t change the things i have done if i could, i would’ve done things different maybe could have tried to let my feelings leave a bigger imprint in all honesty, i felt my pain and stress a bit less when i was with her i don’t know, I guess what I’m trying to say is, I kinda miss her

0

Sep 19, 2018

Sep 19, 2018 at 4:47 PM UTC

20

for some reason I’ve had her on my mind lately it was weird to see her like my pics kinda figured she would hate me i couldn’t really blame her if she did i guess i shouldn’t have hid who i truly am, a broken man with no plan she told me to get my **** together i should have tried to listen better now i’m stuck just reminiscin’ over that glisten in her eye i feel like i kinda did it to myself on purpose but it really wasn’t worth this feeling of regret i don’t think i can ever forget that feeling i got when i made her smile i swear its been a while since i felt that way for someone but i can’t change the things i have done if i could, i would’ve done things different maybe could have tried to let my feelings leave a bigger imprint in all honesty, i felt my pain and stress a bit less when i was with her i don’t know, I guess what I’m trying to say is, I kinda miss her

29

I am beginning to notice my self Destructive tendencies I try to pretend to be okay with How things are in my life But gimme a second, and Imam tell you what it’s really like I’ve noticed my level of happiness Constantly changes seasons like Earth’s climate I usually keep this private, but now That the truth is alive, it Has no reason to hide Summer Everything is cool everything is fine My friends hit me up and I’m down to ride At this time I’m even doing good in school I’m motivate and driven, my Spirit has surprisingly risen and Ascends for the months to come Fall my motivation is slowly declining I start finding things to complain about I’m losing sight of the silver lining I started to become lazy I wont clean my room, or the dishes I even notice my memory becoming hazy Winter Everything has fallen apart I stopped taking care of myself I don’t even know where to start I feel so hopeless, and ashamed Of what I’ve become I feel like there’s nothing that can be done Spring I’m trying to turn things around I believe I found a way I’m no longer feeling astray I’m starting to notice a change In myself, no reason to complain I realize I’m the god of my own domain But right now I’m stuck between Two different seasons. I’m in the middle of winter & spring I’m having a hard time finding A single thing pleasin’ I’ve felt so numb to everything Going on for so long Now my emotions are in overdrive They’re like a loose cannon Ready to pulverize anything in it’s way As my thoughts continue to Spray and speed up, it’s almost Impossible for me to even keep up

0

Sep 19, 2018

Sep 19, 2018 at 4:23 PM UTC

21

I am beginning to notice my self Destructive tendencies I try to pretend to be okay with How things are in my life But gimme a second, and Imam tell you what it’s really like I’ve noticed my level of happiness Constantly changes seasons like Earth’s climate I usually keep this private, but now That the truth is alive, it Has no reason to hide Summer Everything is cool everything is fine My friends hit me up and I’m down to ride At this time I’m even doing good in school I’m motivate and driven, my Spirit has surprisingly risen and Ascends for the months to come Fall my motivation is slowly declining I start finding things to complain about I’m losing sight of the silver lining I started to become lazy I wont clean my room, or the dishes I even notice my memory becoming hazy Winter Everything has fallen apart I stopped taking care of myself I don’t even know where to start I feel so hopeless, and ashamed Of what I’ve become I feel like there’s nothing that can be done Spring I’m trying to turn things around I believe I found a way I’m no longer feeling astray I’m starting to notice a change In myself, no reason to complain I realize I’m the god of my own domain But right now I’m stuck between Two different seasons. I’m in the middle of winter & spring I’m having a hard time finding A single thing pleasin’ I’ve felt so numb to everything Going on for so long Now my emotions are in overdrive They’re like a loose cannon Ready to pulverize anything in it’s way As my thoughts continue to Spray and speed up, it’s almost Impossible for me to even keep up

53

Do i belong? Do i fit in? What is going on? Do people like me? Do they despise me? What am i doing wrong? Should i have done this? Should i have said that? Am i coming off too strong? Could there have been another way? Why can't i feel at ease? When will i start to move on?

0

Sep 19, 2018

Sep 19, 2018 at 12:29 PM UTC

#11

Do i belong? Do i fit in? What is going on? Do people like me? Do they despise me? What am i doing wrong? Should i have done this? Should i have said that? Am i coming off too strong? Could there have been another way? Why can't i feel at ease? When will i start to move on?

12