It was different, but not better.
It wasn't that I thought I never deserved happiness anymore
It wasn't that I thought I no longer deserved happiness now
It was more like I wondered if I was just too broken presently
To even comprehend what real happiness could look like...
Like going so long without food, The body rejects it.
Or like when an animal is wounded and feral
And more at risk of hurting someone who reaches out:
Even if that someone only want to save it.
Like no matter how gentle or slow.
I could only see the risk in being present in the situation.
I didn't fully trust anyone's intentions.
I sometimes wasn't even sure I trusted myself.
Some days I would be fine.
Brave even.
Almost alive, even...
Some days my world felt loud and dangerous.
Like every step risked the floor collapsing.
And other days l would slink back down...
I would give up trying to understand which feeling was correct
Because it's exhausting to constantly ask.
So I revert to recoiling.
Or let myself go numb...
No, I wasn't so brave.
And I wasn't healed.
Or better.
I'm just more aware of the existing damage.
And there is so little room to imagine happiness
When your mind is constantly reminding you how to survive.
Feb 2, 2023
Feb 2, 2023 at 10:51 PM UTC
The war between realities
Rages within my mind;
There's the one where I share my intent
Or silently suffer and accept defeat
The one where I never know your side
Or I'm disappointed by your truth
There's the one where we join forces
Or we stay on outskirts and call a truce
On the brink of change,
At the risk of losing everything we gained
A choice to choose a renewed reality...
In an infinite tangle of possibilities
With no information or strategy...
And yet I find every reason
To stumble through a moment of chance,
Take your hand,
And pray it leads us to victory
Oct 30, 2022
Oct 30, 2022 at 11:12 PM UTC
It was a moment of painful despair
Typing between tears and gasping for air
Convinced there was no one left who cared
This was my final, desperate plea
The call for help, so hard to see
My broken heart rejecting life in me
Deleted moments after my posting
I felt the world - "worth ghosting"
And very little expected opposing
What was the point anyway?
But then, your words reached out to mine
Chased away the screaming in my mind
Cradled my shattered soul in kind
And over the course of weeks, befriend
Refound purpose; continued me to mend
A feeling of trust that cannot bend.
Saved from a monster from deep within
My will to live, once so paper thin
Gratitude for you, where could I ever begin?
Sep 27, 2022
Sep 27, 2022 at 11:27 PM UTC
Being told by friends you havent seen in a while that you "look good" or "look better" right as you are coming out of a long bout of depression just hits your heart different.
Because you as time passes think you're feeling okay, you think you are making progress, you think time is passing normally for you again... but it's hard to remember what is or was normal when you grew so used to feeling the way you did. Like coming out of an endless fog...
So to have someone accknowledge they can visibly see your progress... to have someone verbally commend you for... basically choosing to exist as yourself again... those comments just hit different.
There's a sad realization that you really weren't okay and it was noticeable... but there's also this weird sense of pride as you wait for the weight of it all to drag you down again - But it's different now.
There is not a consuming heavy darkness, but a manageable awareness of a shadowy part of yourself that you no longer feel tied to. A part of you that aches less with painful thoughts and bitter disappointment, and more for the light of understanding and rebirth.
And you realize; I did that. I taught myself how to stay aware... to heal... and not allow that dark to take hold again-
And it is
actually
slowly
paying off.
Yes...
I think I am feeling better.
I am weary, sure-
but I'm okay.
I'm getting there.
Jun 5, 2022
Jun 5, 2022 at 11:28 AM UTC
"Goodbye, my love" She whispered. But she knew from experience - from the countless goodbyes she had murmured before today - that forming words of farewell was never harder than the anguish of learning to let go.
May 14, 2022
May 14, 2022 at 9:24 AM UTC
It is the first little step forward
When you wanted to lie down.
The oasis in the dense desert-
A vivid, uncertain reality.
The hunger that asks for more
When you have nothing left to give.
Its the white lie you tell yourself
When you can't accept the dark.
Hope is the dream that wakes you.
Dec 8, 2021
Dec 8, 2021 at 8:01 AM UTC
You know, I never actually got away?
I left those 4 walls long ago
But the friends I made while I was alone..?
Still keep me company inside my head
They remind me every day
That Im not capable of making good choices.
That it's safer to be alone, behind walls.
That crying is not just weak, but dangerous.
Because when people come inside,
They will hate you.
They will hurt you.
And worst of all,
They will never. Even try. To understand you.
You probably aren't worth the time.
Or even the space you inhabit.
You are possibly a vile and useless creature
Born to be wrong, and always sorry.
So don't be late
Don't defend yourself.
Don't cry - and if you do:
Don't ever let them hear you.
Don't say one ******* word,
Of one ******* thought,
Out loud. Ever.
Those are the rules.
And if you ever find yourself struggling
To follow those rules:
Stop breathing until it gets easier.
Its been years now, but...
I never actually left that room....
Those 4 walls came with me,
And I carry them inside every day.
On good days they keep me safe.
And on bad days they close in so tightly,
That it gets dark, and hard to breathe.
But on any given day?
I just feel... So **** heavy...
©pennamebreez
Sep 1, 2021
Sep 1, 2021 at 12:21 AM UTC
You made me feel stuck
You made me feel gross
You made me feel unwanted
You made me feel like an inconvenience
You made me feel ugly
You made me feel like a waste
You made me feel discarded
You made me feel like a mistake
You made feel powerless
You made me feel worthless
You made me feel inhuman
You made me feel like a ruined day
A ruined day that lasts forever...
And there is no running from it
There is no hiding from it
There's just me, unmoving
Unable to be whatever you wanted
When I never really had a chance
You made me feel like gum
On the bottom of your shoe
I did not deserve to feel that way
©pennamebreez
Sep 1, 2021
Sep 1, 2021 at 12:11 AM UTC
You aren't the first to tell me that...
So I'm trying to forgive and forget.
But it's hard.
It's hard when someone you love
Tells you that your feelings aren't reasonable.
Like I don't already know that...
Feelings aren't always about logic and fact.
Sometimes people just feel things.
Sometimes for stupid reasons.
You don't have to understand why.
I just thought you cared enough
To want to make me feel better.
Instead you let me return to my head
And torture myself for hours.
You left me there when I just needed
To be held for a moment.
I just needed to hear
That everything was okay.
I just needed to know
That you still loved me,
And that you didn't want me to be uncomfortable.
I know all that should be a given.
Sometimes a gentle reminder just helps...
And keeps me out of the dark.
I'm trying my best to not be
The anxious, self conscious mess
That I always am.
I want to turn it off...
But I don't always win that fight,
And I'm really sorry...
And I already hate myself enough
Every time I do fail.
I'm trying.
Please don't give up on me too...
Feb 17, 2019
Feb 17, 2019 at 1:28 AM UTC
I feel things so deeply
Sometimes it's like I'm screaming
But in some strange language
That no one else knows.
I have nothing more to offer
But who I am.
And daily I am reminded
That it will never be enough.
I get more lonely every day.
Everyone around me gets quieter
And the voices in my head
are only growing louder
Reminding me that I will lose everyone.
That I have never been enough
And will always be too much.
That I am... ultimately, unlovable.
No one can hear me anymore.
As I sink beneath the sea of tears
And the darkness feels so
welcoming...
The more time that passes...
The more life I seem to waste...
The more it hurts...
The less I want to live.
I wish I was braver.
I wish my path had shapped me
And made me stronger.
Instead it's left me lost, alone, and broken.
And I just don't want to feel things anymore
Feb 16, 2019
Feb 16, 2019 at 11:51 PM UTC