paul-verkouterenWhisper

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Personal letter to myselfDepression, Depression the feeling of emptiness always a challenge to fill it with happiness. One of my favorite songwriters is Nick Drake his somber yet powerful lyrics about not be able to connect with people and depression really helped me in times of personal trouble. I was diagnosed very early on in my childhood with depression I started reading a lot listening to music looking outside my window watching the other children play knowing how I would not be able to connect socially. When my parents divorced I realized that my life began to go in a downward spiral then I discovered Nick Drake. I felt connected to him in some way as if I was a incarnation of him. When I listen to his music I feel the same sense of hopelessness the same feelings of isolation. At times I feel stronger for going through this permanent pain but then I think to myself what of my future. That question races though my mind it almost like its making me a restless ghost during those cold dark nights. Through my high school years I still felt the same isolation with people as when I was a child. But the big difference was that I didn’t place a big smile on my face when I knew everything was not alright. This time I expressed my feelings in a more mature and realistic way. I started to write a lot in my spare time I usually wrote a lot of isolated characters trying to find that source of happiness that would free them of their personal pains. Once I wrote a short story about a girl that I fell in love with being a huge fan of F.Scott Fitzgerald I described the main character as the girl all the boys want but can ever have. With a combination of Nick Drakes lyrical style and F Scott Fitzgerald’s plot structure I wrote a love story that defined my inner feelings that I couldn’t really express with verbal communication. Sometimes I believe when people socialize verbally it establishes a more meaningful connection but for me developing socializing socials wasn’t so verbal but it was with writing and listening to music where I developed a sense of identity that was a real morale booster to continue living life with the aspirations of success and personal happiness.

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Blissful IndividualityThe pain of not having a companion is at times can make you feel that sense of dark isolation / that any rational human being would never like to feel / that feeling of blissful solitude the ironic feeling of joy when an individual is alone

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Doves flying ever grateful in my soulThe girl I have been longing for is so many miles away in my soul / but in my heart shes right next to me / she is like a dove flying through the mid morning sky

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UntitledI wish I were a glow worm, a glow worm's never glum. Cause how can you be grumpy when the sun shines out your ***

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As i used to see itFake parental love / Apathetic attitudes all around me / What is love

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Eternal Silence of the Awakened MindI hear the drums beating a long the ****** city / Hearing only the whispers of strangers / I hear only hear talk of war and misanthropy

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Lovely LiesLove in essence is the value of dust beating along the dunes of oblivious desert / I see the shores of neglect beating along the desolate beaches / solitude is crashing through my ever weary soul

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Enigmatic LivingMemories drifting along in the harshness of winter but also come back at the dawn of spring / The journey to a concrete existence is one a being cannot finish / These thoughts run through my mind in a effort to convince myself that somehow my life will end up having a purpose or an explanation

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love in the midnight winterthe sentimental death wish as i think of your dark flowing hair in the gusty winter midnight sky makes me think of my frivolous existence i look to the somber night for quandaries of life love and happiness i find the moon light exacerbating the adulation of those dead light brown eyes yet with such a effervescent nature to those dark dreary eyes my voice sprouts out infatuation comments words to memorize then i lose myself in the sudden chill of the night i forget my judgement in the brilliance of the morning sunset the beginning of a brilliant love the beginning of something graceful graceful as the first blooming of a flower during the dawn of spring yet still clinging to the harshness of the winters chill.

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My mind at a standstillI want to break down the walls of vanity it is the cause of my destitution I have the mindset of a man who has lost all sanity and self worth walking along the needles of self doubt the pain I feel upon my feet the unforgiving object piecing my reality creating an imperfect image in an inhumane existence is my life bound by the creeping feelings of isolating thoughts or is hope just above the horizon shining with a brilliance that man can only begin to comprehend