I kissed another man yesterday
He wasn’t you, but does that matter?
Do you even care? I doubt it…
So why do I feel like this?
I let his lips sink into mine
I allowed it, heck, I kissed him back
My mind immediately rushed to you
But this felt good, and lately
I don’t even know where are you
You’ve been missing, missed
Work, you’re busy, business trips
It’s not like there was something
Why does it feel like times changing?
I miss you, dear eternal
Maybe I imagined thats what
Your lips would feel like
If I ever got to kiss you
Here’s a man that’s sweet and kind
We dance, we talk, but I’m not blind
We’re new here, seeking refuge in the other
Its convenient, and he smells of sweet lime
Is this wrong? Am I hurting you?
God, I wish you’d care about this
Then maybe I wouldn’t feel so
Crazy for missing you for missing
Something that never existed
He pulled back and asked me
Was that okay? I smile and say
Yeah, that’s definitely okay
He intertwines his fingers with mine
I breathe out a deep sigh
Wishing those hands were yours
We had a lovely evening
Kisses, caresses, soulful tunes
Dancing however we felt
I felt quite free, we
Laughed with a lot of glee
I told him I’m not looking
For anything or anyone
He said its okay, I still like you
That’s a dangerous game
I like him, that is still true
But, dear love,
He’s just not you.
Nov 7, 2023
Nov 7, 2023 at 10:17 AM UTC
I doubt you’ll see this but
I want you to know I’m thinking of you
I want you to know I wish I could be there
To hold you and tell you it’s going to be okay
I may not feel the way I used to
But id do everything in my power
To try to ease the pain away
However I’ve learnt I cannot help
So it pains me to know I should stay away
I just hope you know
There’s nothing I wouldn’t do
To help you feel a little better
To show you that there’s hope
To take comfort in this weather
I’m here for you
Even if it seems like I’m not
It pains me deeply to stay away
But I’ve caused enough harm
Take care, my dear Essam.
The storms never last forever
You’ll find your four leaf clover
Till then, if its all I can do
I’ll keep praying for you.
Nov 2, 2023
Nov 2, 2023 at 1:12 PM UTC
love that flows without expectations
love that gives without taking
love that doesn’t see if it receives
love that listens, caresses and holds
how thankful I am to experience
a flow of unending care
never disappointing
forever present
gratitude to the universe
for letting the negative
Slip off my shoulders
letting the heaviness go
allowing me to experience
a true state of peace, of joy
only by making space
and foregoing attachment
so much I learn from you
dear universe, thank you
soft hands caressing my soul
feeling what love can really be
for that to happen I had to
Jump in the dark, feel pain
Let go of what disappointed
Always, caused pain, let me down
Empty promises had to be let go
Attachment to the beliefs that
That’s all I somehow deserved
To feel the beautiful love I do now
Gosh, if I had only known
How letting go could free me
The joy it pours into my being
How beautifully our lives now
Simply intertwine
I don’t need to ask
As you love me perfectly
I only pray
I do the same.
Nov 1, 2023
Nov 1, 2023 at 8:08 AM UTC
The way you look at me
The burnt orange in your sleeve
The piercing glare that holds me
The touch strong yet soft as the sea
The way you listen intently
Without saying a single word
Emotions flowing off your face
Hours with unwavering presence
The way you clutch me gently
The way you say I’ll be okay
I actually believe you
I want to prove those words true.
The way you call me sayang,
Oh the way it pierces my heart
Mending the gaps and wounds
It feels like a flower beginning to bloom
The love in your voice, as you say
Sayang, I know you’ll be okay
Sayang, don’t you want to rest today?
Sayang, we’ll eat what you want today
Sayang, its your day.
You say that everyday, I protest
No! I don’t! You sneakily grin
I roll my eyes, feeling blessed
You twirl me and I spin
Opening your arms wide
Embracing me from deep within
Never, have I felt so seen
Letting me rest, I learn further in
You wrap your arms around me
Mending all my broken pieces together
Somehow saying its all me
You kiss my forehead and say
God is with me
Forever in a second, staying embraced
Chests rising and falling in unison
We’re in perfect sync, breaths away
There is only peace in this space
Oh how wonderful it feels, to be safe.
I so wish you could keep me in this embrace
I really wish you didn’t have to let go
My soul will stay dancing, deep in this tango.
Oct 27, 2023
Oct 27, 2023 at 1:23 AM UTC
One last time, how will I choose to spend it
I can choose me, or I can let the moment
Take over reality, and get lost in time
Would that make me regret?
I leave in less than 24 hours
We have even less than that
How do I want to spend it?
Putting myself first?
Keeping my walls up?
Or tearing them down
And seeing how flying
Can feel like falling
You’re walking towards me
Eyes shining bright with glee
Excited, I clutch the wheel tightly,
So the answer is I guess we’ll see
Oct 27, 2023
Oct 27, 2023 at 12:52 AM UTC
This time I cherish
A man probably just a little older than me
Is rubbing at my toes, and massaging my feet
**** this is insanely new to me
His hands are gripping and pushing
Up my calves, strangely pleasantly
Beside my my Mama’s eyes are shut
He’s fallen asleep with his mouth open
The masseuse ardently working at his feet
Getting more oil, working up the calves
We’re in silence, but I feel so much love
Heck, he’s asleep and my heart is singing
I’m going to miss this, so much
I’m going to miss you dear mama
And I’m so sorry I can’t be here for your birthday
Wow that feels good, rubbing on the heels
I’d never experience this alone
Not even with anyone else
I really can’t explain why
You make me feel so safe
Yet you don’t try to fill my Appa’s shoes
I think it’s that, that’s so meaningful
This will be our special thing
You’ve got a special place in my heart
Thank you for showing me safety
Thank you for showing me stability
God knows how I’ve lacked that in this decade
I know you’ll never turn your back on me
Thank you dear mama
Thank you for opening your heart to me
Thank you for saying this song reminds me
It reminds me of Dil, that’s why I like it
Thank you for saying that you miss him
Lord knows you don’t open up this way
I know, because I don’t too
We’re the same, you and I
Shunned by our harsh words, yet loving hearts
I cherish the words you share with me
I cherish our special bond
I love you so, more than words can paint
I hope I can show you the same love
I hope you gain every happiness there is
Your soul is so pure
You give so much
You speak my language
I will really, really, miss you
Till then I’ll giggle at your little snores
And ask you questions like a child
Its nice to be a kid again,
Even for a little while
I know you’re taking care of me
All my love
will never be enough
My heart is so full
may you have all the happiness there is.
Oct 24, 2023
Oct 24, 2023 at 9:17 AM UTC
it started with a long drive
It continued with good music
a tragedy twisted the tale
and it ended in a sky full of stars
more stars than you’d ever seen, you said
the air was cold, as it was crisp
lightning shuddered the sky from a distance
Seeing the skyline of the city from afar
I can’t remember the last time
I saw something so beautiful
I breathed it in deep, holding onto the memory.
You let me fall asleep
As you took the wheel
Taking me right home
Look, its another sunrise!
Oct 23, 2023
Oct 23, 2023 at 7:05 PM UTC
trees, I see myself in a forest
I breathe in the smell of leaves
Yet I simply closed my eyes in concrete
While you fell asleep on my shoulder
So many questions arose the first time
Direction, definition, purpose, intention?
And manifested itself into solidified anxiety
Man oh man did that terrify me
No, I won’t let this taint the beautiful space
I know how hard I worked to get to this
Breathe, in, out, we’ve got the strength it needs
**** alright so we’re doing this
Shame and embarrassed, I looked down
Do you want me to sit somewhere else you asked
Its okay, I can just look away as I say
Breathe, this can’t be that terrifying
So I asked you, I asked you
Every question occupying my mind
Bluntly, no sugar coats, in its rawest form
And I told you, I told you
Every answer clouding my mind
And with that, I felt so free
And with that, sleeping on bean bags had
Never felt so restful
And with that, anxiety free
Love is felt just with a hand under my head
It feels so good to be free
Tied to less than a week
But yet,
I am free.
I smell the trees
As you rest peacefully.
Oct 23, 2023
Oct 23, 2023 at 2:16 PM UTC
Yes I am pushing everyone away
Yes I hurt everyone close to me
Yes I am shutting myself in
Yes I know no one can help me this way
This is the only way I know how to feel
This is the only way I know how to be numb
I’d like to believe my doors are soldered shut
I just wish someone would care to knock
Let alone break them down
You hear the screams
They’re just tears
I don’t bite, I promise
Oct 22, 2023
Oct 22, 2023 at 3:14 AM UTC
I was calm, peaceful, content
Then you came along an it was lively
As time went by it just turned to anxiety
It peaked, the anxiety overwhelmed me
And then, once again the depression set
You’re the last one I thought would trigger this
Feeling worthless, empty, without meaning
Fun metaphors we made A & B, thinking
That someone who’s B could never hurt me
I laugh from the depths of this well
Maybe with this echo, there’s a way out
I worry, I worry so much once again
You’re so stiff, all of them as they led me
I wanted to say, I know, I wish I could relax
The pain I feel inside barely allows me to move
Let alone twirl and dance the way I used to love
Even that has been tainted by you
Yet I am not angry, just void of feeling
I worry, I worry so much its all crashing down
My time, my mental space I sacrificed
To think I could make a difference in someone
I was just sabotaging myself concurrently hurting you
Man, how I wish what I did brought some benefit
Maybe then I could sleep in peace
Now I might not have a job anymore
I might not have a home
I might have no friends
And I might have no direction
I might have absolutely no one
These were my choices
This is my karma
Ive lived before and I can live again
So comes, as so goes
But hey, maybe I’ve still got me
And I guess that’s worth something
Even if everyone thinks its not.
So comes, as so goes
I’ll find another sense of meaning
Oct 22, 2023
Oct 22, 2023 at 3:10 AM UTC