The problem with me is that sometimes I want to have my cake and eat it too.
I want to have the new and the old.
I hate change but also dream of it at night for weeks.
It makes me sick to my stomach, and sweaty and filled with an emotion I can't describe.
Why am I so quick to accept the affection of someone I just met, when I have someone waiting for me at home?
There's definitely something going on with me that I'm in love with being thought of as interesting and fresh.
So many times has this addiction over powered me.
It's not drugs or alcohol that I crave, it's attention and affection and that exciting fun feeling.
I should really ask a therapist why smoking a cigarette with someone felt so fine.
Jun 8, 2018
Jun 8, 2018 at 2:18 AM UTC
I went down by the riverside
where he lived alone.
He said come on by and we can get high and we can catch up after so long
The air was cold and the winter snow sparkled under the moon.
But inside his house was so warm and
nice and then he offered wine
and I asked, "how are ya?"
he said, "I'm doin fine."
May 29, 2018
May 29, 2018 at 11:01 PM UTC
It's difficult when you were on your way up the roller coaster;
so close you can see the top of the hill.
Only to fall back down, or get stuck.
The last 2 months I was feeling good about myself, sort of content, even happy at times with my body, my hair, my life, my relationship.
But now, the view is getting smaller and darker again, confusing.
Today I thought about how gross my stomach is as I lay in bed trying to nap.
I imagined running until my legs were painfully sore so that I could feel.. better?
Over the long holiday weekend I pulled out a noticeably large amount of hair and was completely unaware of the damage I was doing until it was too late.
I know that this is part of the journey to self love and acceptance but that destination seems light years away.
May 29, 2018
May 29, 2018 at 10:27 PM UTC
I watched as this little black bug scurried across the carpet,
weaving around and clearly unsure of where to go.
How did he end up in this office space?
And where does he want to go?
I hoped he would figure it out before the girl came through with the vacuum and ****** him up.
But then there he went making his way down the carpet again.
May 22, 2018
May 22, 2018 at 4:50 AM UTC
Maybe I need it to feel like I'm being chased,
or like I'm chasing you.
I don't understand it when it isn't complicated.
May 21, 2018
May 21, 2018 at 4:41 AM UTC
You texted me back,
"I love you too baby. I love you so so much."
And that second I love you made me smile and laugh because I love that you love me so much.
May 17, 2018
May 17, 2018 at 2:10 AM UTC
I just figured out my old login info for my previous account and there are over 250 poems that date back to 2015 when I was 20 years old.
I am now 23 and not much has changed except that now I know that no one else but me can make me happy, and I survived all the things I felt were the end of the world.
I was lonely and having trouble adjusting to living on my own and I was deep in depression and anxiety without any knowledge on how to properly deal with it.
It does feel good to see the progress I've made when it comes to learning to love and accept myself, and how I no longer obsess over the past the way I used to.
I still deal with anxiety and depression but I'm figuring it out and really trying to get better and I like myself more now, even with my bald patches and belly fat.
I've realized that happiness is more of a choice you have to make.
And that's what I've chosen.
It's been a slow journey but I'm getting there.
May 14, 2018
May 14, 2018 at 5:56 AM UTC
I was just going out to get an iced coffee and cigarettes but this time I decided not to go to Starbucks as usual, I went to the cool little coffee place in town called Taffys.
I had to park down the street and walk a short ways.
The floor boards groaned under my feet as I walked in.
I was greeted with a hello, and I asked if they had iced coffee.
"Taffys doesn't open until 4, but of course."
I looked at the clock and it was 3.
Oh, I'm sorry! I awkwardly giggled.
"No it's totally cool. If you have the time I can make you one now." Said a pretty blonde, wearing a unique all black outfit.
I said yes, deciding to disregard my nature of being in a hurry.
An older man wearing a hat, with his shirt unbuttoned, exposing a fresh tattoo came around and sat at the counter and introduced himself as Mike and her as Moriah.
The two began to chat with me, excitedly talking about the way they make coffee and had me smell the beans I would be drinking.
They asked me about myself and we talked about tattoos and they told me about how they are musicians and the others that come and play there.
They were the type of people that are just calming and inviting and soon I was sharing a blueberry pastry with them and looking at the boutique she had created.
Moriah went and talked with some people that came in and I asked Mike if he smoked and he said,
"Yeah. Come this way. I want to show you something."
I followed him out the back and we came out onto a cool outside area with places to sit and a wall that had portraits on it.
We sat and smoked cigarettes and talked some more.
He explained to me that he's been divorced and after being snowed in together for four days that he and Moriah began dating.
She came out and had a cigarette too and you could tell he admired her and was just happy with their life together.
The wind was blowing, and it was warm and I felt comfortable.
They kept saying how glad they were that I came in and I smiled and said me too.
It was so unusual but fun to meet people this way.
It felt like I was someone else in a movie and I didn't know how it would end but it was exciting.
But soon enough they had to get back to work and I realized an hour had gone by and I parked in a spot that was supposed to be only 30 minutes so we said good bye and they told me to come back some time.
And I really wanted to. I didn't even want to leave because I knew that this kind of life must be so fun. Musicians who work together in a cool coffee shop that are in love, and meet other musicians all the time.
I walked back to my car smiling and was already thinking about when I could come back and how sometimes you are just in the right place at the right time.
May 10, 2018
May 10, 2018 at 1:13 AM UTC
"I wish you knew you were in the good old days before they are over."
- The Office.
I wish I could go back in time and hangout with my old friends from High school for just one day.
I would run down the hill after school as fast as I can and hear the sound of my friends laughing before flinging open Joey's screen door and rushing into my past.
I would open the Friday Fun box, containing **** and a bowl and light up as we laughed at everything we said.
I would hug each one of them for such a long time and tell them I love them so much.
Of course in true tough teenage boy fashion they'd wiggle away and say,
"Stop hugging me!"
I'd convince them to walk to the park on a beautiful spring day and we'd sit on the benches smoking cigarettes for hours.
I would take pictures the entire time and record the whole thing so I'd never forget a single word.
I would pray that the day never ended and I would just be in love with being in love with the best friends I've ever had in my life.
May 4, 2018
May 4, 2018 at 4:32 AM UTC
I can't write about love when I'm in it.
I can only write about love when I'm missing it.
Apr 23, 2018
Apr 23, 2018 at 2:01 AM UTC