in my addiction
theres something sufficient
nonconsensually awake
brain noise on replay
with differences, and small voice pitches
enough to keep my eyes strung open
with a pain in my veins, heart pulled tight
as if gripped in a strangle hold
bones ache, flesh like a starving sponge
i cannot keep my eyes closed.
in that moment im terrorized, wishing for death-
but moments later it becomes
just another whimsical memory
"you made it through! good for you
can we please start where we left off?"
staggering through the early morning,
each moment is a fast camera shuttering
forgetting where i once was.
i cannot begin to catalogue each capture.
eventually i lose them all
in moments later, in a brief reprieve
i wonder
"cant you handle what you love the most?"
even as addiction kills me day after day
and the life i see is just a smudge
Mar 15, 2021
Mar 15, 2021 at 12:18 AM UTC
darling, I miss you
in ways I wish I could
portray fully. as they say,
true love is shown through
actions-not words.
I miss your violent sweetness
tearing through my stomach
kindly molding me
into our perfect image.
I crave your airy touch-
on protruding bones,
bulging veins.
and holding my heart
while it flutters.
I will win you back
through splatter on ceramic tile
furious punching of numbers,
sleeping in tremors
and waking in dizzy euphoria.
please, I need you
render me empty
deconstruct my body
to put together anew
once more
You have always told me
"you are nothing without me"
.....
and oh god,
you were right.
May 15, 2020
May 15, 2020 at 11:24 PM UTC
the greatest day of my new year
was riding into a thick grey fog,
revisiting places of my early memories,
of pain and violence absolute.
i couldnt have wanted more
what i would give to feel as free as that again-
to admire that despair over and over...
it was the perfect day.
of remembrance
and then of ultimate loss
Jan 26, 2020
Jan 26, 2020 at 9:48 PM UTC
You made hatred in my heart,
sadistic and cruel.
a loud voice in the rain cloud,
a little piece of evil.
I have nightmares of you
trapped in the many many places
that were a lonely prison.
I experience again what was
only a nightmare in sleep to me now.
but I awake horrified, full of anger,
not just towards you,
but to myself,
that I could be that violent
just like you
even in a dream.
Sep 6, 2018
Sep 6, 2018 at 12:16 AM UTC
I had split in parts.
I lifted my hand but
it was not me
I spoke words but
it was not me
I existed but
it was not me
I split in parts and
there should be dialogue
between roomates
but I was so terribly frightened
to bother them again
Jul 22, 2018
Jul 22, 2018 at 2:00 AM UTC
Today I heard a song
about romance, but
I did not picture a person-
instead a glass of ***
and I danced to the tune
and the words
of love and adoration.
Today I made up my mind
to break up with this romance
and no longer dance
to this song anymore.
Jul 21, 2018
Jul 21, 2018 at 11:00 PM UTC
emotion is the sea
and not for me-
a creek at most,
to wade in shallow water
but if I drown in a bottle
I am then
the ocean of highest depth
Jul 19, 2018
Jul 19, 2018 at 11:24 AM UTC