i think i just wanted my innocence back.
i can't get my first kiss back.
i've been touched and approached and pursued in ways i didn't want.
i just wanted my first times to Anything to be special.
i wanted my first, real lover to stroke my cheek with their hand and i wanted to kiss them for the first time under the stars,
i want butterflies and no doubt.
no doubt, no fear,
just butterflies.
i can't unfeel his hand on my leg.
i wanted the first person to touch me in Any way to be someone who i love, who i trust.
not a ball and chain, not a push and pull.
growing up in a shaking, rumbling home,
i've seen people come and go.
i've heard the cries through closed doors and the yelling on the lawn.
this was love.
i prayed when i was young that maybe i could get something different.
Jan 7, 2021
Jan 7, 2021 at 12:48 AM UTC
four in the morning, the trees are breathing and i'm in sync.
took me forever to start liking the side of my face but i'm doing it.
the glow and the light that i see in my peripheral is a sign, it all feels like signs and this path i'm paving is mine.
the sun hasn't come up but i smell the morning air, it's a mix of grass and nostalgia and safety.
it's my mom waking me and my sisters up to go to my grandmas,
it's church camp,
it's garage sales and littlest pet shop and monster high and bratz.
took me forever to start just Being and Living but i'm doing it.
i've always liked the silence before we begin again, before we're born again.
Nov 21, 2020
Nov 21, 2020 at 5:16 AM UTC
born not from here but here when you're 19 years young.
starting a new life and that's when you met my mom.
both young and in love and before you know it,
it's wedding vows and wedding bands,
then it's hospital visits and here we are.
i remember holding my baby sister when she got home from having her,
and i remember your mom, my grandma dying.
you sat in the yard, beneath the big tree that whole season.
i met her Once and i have a scar to prove it.
my cheek met her glass table and you were too in your element to be bothered by my blood gushing wound.
years and we're grown.
we're all grown and you look at your creation and the life you've created and i hope you feel pride.
until, things went bad and the house began to shake from your voice.
all that anger kept inside boiled like the beans you'd religiously make every night.
release, release, release
until the horse finally broke and everything you've built came crashing down.
do you remember when it was all too much for you?
i remember sitting behind you, holding bags of our hot food,
we're at a red light and we're all sitting in silence still not digesting the horror of the past four years you created with your other half.
but it's too quiet and i see it hit you like a truck.
wheel gripping and not afraid of crying,
Vulnerable and here and the most raw i've ever seen you till this day.
sadness turned into anger turned into hatred into resentment and anger and hatred follow and circle and pump the blood in your veins.
do you remember smiling for that picture of you holding me and my older sister?
i don't remember it but you have to remember.
i looked at your hardworking hands and on the left is your wedding band.
silver or gold, i don't remember but it's there and looking at that picture,
it's so foreign.
it's like those picture games where you have to find something wrong, something that's not supposed to be there.
do you remember being married and sharing and building a life with someone for over 17 years?
do you remember it crumbling down?
do you still feel that sadness and boiling anger you felt when you were finally released?
it feels like you'd be relieved but you never spent a second to spew that fire towards us and everyone crossing paths.
but i pray for you.
i used to hate you and curse you but now,
i pray for you.
there has to be a day in this life, that hopefully, you just feel peace.
i hope one day you wake up and there's no hurt, there's no anger, there's no revenge,
just peace.
one day, you'll feel like you have it all again.
one day, you won't need to act tough to protect yourself from .....
well, from yourself, from emotions that i wish would just leave you alone.
one day, it'll just be
peace
and
peace
and
peace.
Nov 21, 2020
Nov 21, 2020 at 2:01 AM UTC
you are the outside of my box,
the voice outside of my head.
those three words feel like home and these eggshells aren't as scary and
in fact, they're imaginary.
it's late nights. squeaks. bears. bad jokes. good jokes. impersonations. i love you's and i love you more's. reading you poetry. cheeks turning red and me covering my face even though you can't see it. coming down together and then sighing together, "i love you".
7am crying together of one of the most beautiful moments in life.
he was right, there are voices outside of my head too and yours beat mine like a marching drum.
"i love you, i love you!"
tiptoeing and eyeing down every move,
you smiled every time i inspected your brain
and
hi, yes, is there something wrong with me for how calm i can be about all of this?
every night you grabbed me from each side of my face,
and no, no, there's nothing wrong with me.
this is trust, this is loving, this is love,
this is new!
i forced myself to break the cycle and i thought breaking down my walls would force me to meet .... something else, someone else.
but it's you,
it's you!
i looked at you like i'm new to this and i am and am not.
you see, this heart has been passed around like friends chain smoking outside of a bar;
smaller than before, more beaten than before, everyone taking their turn.
but, i'm not that cigarette everyone takes a drag from anymore,
i'm not broken, you taught me this.
now you're sleeping on the other side as i watch the sky turn from black to blue to yellow to Us.
and i'm learning and you tend to this bruised heart even when you're not around. it beats for everyone but tonight, it's for you.
i miss you by the way, i know i told you a few hours ago but i'm telling you again how when you talk it looks like the sun shining through a tree's branches. and when we tell each other those three words, i feel secure and it's true. this is all true and new.
this is healing. this is stepping away from everything but what we are Together.
i can hear your breathing slow down as you drift away and i can hear the birds chirping outside. i'm tired and sleepy but this moment is too beautiful, this moment of pure love and pure joy.
this is healing, this is love.
Oct 28, 2020
Oct 28, 2020 at 9:11 AM UTC
becoming yours was and is my greatest accomplishment.
born from the same star and meeting again on this universe is destiny.
destiny,
us,
destiny and us,
two synonyms.
fate, soulmates, one in a million, a forever person, a forever chapter, whatever you want to call it
that's Us.
Aug 22, 2020
Aug 22, 2020 at 2:26 AM UTC
it's about remembering.
you were my first love after all.
the after school bus, middle school,
that's where we met.
you eighth grade, me sixth.
you apologized for your friend because he bumped into me,
the rest is history.
high school we meet again, after school bus.
i see you look at me through the bus drivers mirror,
i try not to look too, the rest is history.
but we talk again,
closer than before,
older than before.
exchanging numbers, good morning and good night texts, birthday presents, confiding in each other about the past and the current day, late night walks.
oh, the late night walks.
side my side through our dark neighborhood and through the trail, underneath the streetlight.
your hand on my shoulder, the other pointing to the sky trying to get me to see the constellations,
i was looking at you the entire time.
oh, my first love how you've taught me what love really feels like.
Aug 22, 2020
Aug 22, 2020 at 2:22 AM UTC
and just like that, i became yours again.
i couldn't even remember your name or the color of your eyes
but i remember Love.
i remember our love.
if i close my eyes long enough, i can remember how your hands felt on the small of my back.
how you kept me warm and safe.
baby, i can't remember your name but i remember my heart skipping every time you spoke.
how i cried being held in your arms,
for they felt like nothing past or behind us mattered.
your embrace healed me and i became light in your chest.
i am forever yours.
Jul 31, 2020
Jul 31, 2020 at 5:49 AM UTC
and just like that,
light, fresh air, seeing everything, seeing Myself, seeing how i've lived up to this point, everything, all of it
all at once.
the veil was lifted again and the person i was seems so far away.
there is no past.
this is a clean slate.
i am a new person.
i am not my past, it just happened to me, i am not stuck there because if i was, i wouldn't be here.
i am here.
i am not there or anywhere but here.
going up and forward.
no more looking behind my shoulder,
no more opening scars,
no more of that.
i am reborn.
Jul 27, 2020
Jul 27, 2020 at 3:43 AM UTC
he turned to me like everything came back to him again.
"i remembered your voice."
i haven't heard yours since i was 10 but i still remember the softness of your hands and ** you looked at everything will an expression that might as well be the textbook definition of gentleness.
i remember the drawings you gave me the day i left, you told my dad that although i was young,
i already knew who i wanted to be.
i didn't know what you meant then but after everything that's happened,
i do now.
Jun 13, 2020
Jun 13, 2020 at 5:12 AM UTC
but then everything was silent,
everything was still.
and i saw you sitting across from me,
breathing and with a beating heart
and i could hear it, i could hear you.
and everything exploded again.
i felt my heart expand and burst into millions,
over and over again.
your hand touched mine, bringing me back.
our hearts synched and i could never ask for more,
i will never ask for anything else other than moments like these.
moments like these with you remind me of what it is to be alive,
to truly be alive.
Jun 13, 2020
Jun 13, 2020 at 5:10 AM UTC