I have this creeping ache on the edges of my bones
like the way crystal forms,
slowly.
Like the way prehistoric bugs that live in caves die every day.
I think I forgot to close my eyes and woke up blind.
I live my days hoping to grow inwards until my bones
start the delicate tearing of my skin and
water fills my lungs.
I have longed for this to happen ever since i was 7 and
I heard drowning was the closest you can get to
euphoria.
May 23, 2014
May 23, 2014 at 5:46 PM UTC
They say home is wherever you lay your head at night
That must be true
because my former house has a lock on the door now;
a lock to keep me out.
I never realized this is how it is to be homeless,
the endless wandering of a place to rest at night
the endless cycle of hunger and
thirst and
protection
I walk out of work with not a place to be in the world
and if I’m being honest it should frighten me.
I am a wanderer.
I have no sense of direction,
no moral pull,
nothing to lose and everything to gain.
I have this endless feeling of discomfort and
an airy breeze where the good in my heart and soul should be.
I am a girl, not a very beautiful or talented one.
I belong to anyone who belongs to everyone.
Home is where I rest my head for a night.
Home is a backseat
Home is a smoke filled room at 2 am
Home is a parking garage
Home is a strangers bedroom
Home is a feeling rather than a location,
but those who have a lock and key and
a mortgage fee will never understand.
May 21, 2014
May 21, 2014 at 12:07 PM UTC
We cover illness with flowers
and flowers die
The inside of my mouth tastes like it is decaying
I hope I lose all of my teeth first
Maybe its just the scotch and *****
But there is a burning in my throat
Maybe it is Satan just making his way out
May 14, 2014
May 14, 2014 at 7:27 AM UTC
I have sharpened my teeth ready to rip and tear
like soldiers and their swords
I am listening to the sound of the rain on the roof
while you fold your clothes to sad song about madness and memories and it is quiet in the house with the same kind of finality of
a lock clicking of
a door slamming of
a finished book
like a knife slicing through a teen on a Chicago city street at 1 am
no streetlights
no police
no gunshots
just this skin
this blood on asphalt
on sidewalk
on boy
on knife
just blood on the roof of this house like a warning
something wicked resides here do not come near
something that says dangerdangerdangerdanger
Never look back.
Never look here again,
there is something about you that keeps me coming back for more
like you are selling crack ******* on the street corners and
I am an addict panhandling
I know you will leave me when I am hopelessly in love
I know I will not be able to breathe without you.
Without the weight of your body and breath on mine
you will leave me peeled and gutted, spineless.
Every dream crushed like a body thrown from the 40th floor.
You will leave me like tsunamis leave islands,
like hurricanes leave cities,
like tornadoes leave houses
utterly destroyed from the core out,
and you?
You will leave like a bird from a nest.
Weightless.
May 11, 2014
May 11, 2014 at 1:02 AM UTC
They say the grass isn’t greener on the other side
but it has been raining for 3 months straight and
it looks dew blessed to me
sometimes staring at you through windowpane hurts
like there is something in the way the glass glares
in this seemingly ever beating sun
one day you will leave me,
this I know already.
I am already preparing myself for the inevitable to happen.
Hurts my soul and sets my organs on a slow burning roast
acid washing my heart and
pinpricks in my jugular
I try to see you in the darkness
in the light
in the way your brow crunches when you think
in the scar on your dimple.
I tell myself you do not love me like I love you,
regardless of if that is true.
May 11, 2014
May 11, 2014 at 12:48 AM UTC
I miss you like one would miss bruised knees
(From all our time on the floor)
I miss you like I miss the bottom of the cement pool
(Even though that's where my friends are)
I miss you like I miss razors raking my skin
(But my arms still beg for more)
I miss you like I miss the party scene
(Still think of it from time to time, though)
I miss you like flowers miss winters frost
(Cold and biting, never giving in)
I miss you like I miss hands around my neck
(I think I'd still say I love you, yet)
May 4, 2014
May 4, 2014 at 8:18 PM UTC
Summer raining on the Eastern seaboard
I liked you better before November, personally
There are metal shards floating in this bathwater
Their own tiny islands of pain
A mirror in shards face up on the floor
Guess that is just another 7 years of bad luck
Pennies are dropping into the bathtub
Copper going plink plink plink
Tiny rivulets running their paths
That's just the sound of my lifeline going down the drain, again
Smells like metal and tastes like pain
Red river gushing from my veins
Locked door trying to staunch the flow of secrets
Head swimming to the tile floor
clink clink clink
Scars these days open so easily
Like the Raven said, Nevermore
May 4, 2014
May 4, 2014 at 5:03 PM UTC
Liz Taylor once said:
"Pour yourself a drink,
put on some lipstick and
pull yourself together."
I stopped believing in the positive power of alcohol
when I saw the struggle in my
70 year old great uncles bloodshot eyes
the time I caught him at 2 am
reaching for the whiskey in the top shelf of the cabinet
I apply lipstick every day
all crimson scarlet blood pooling on my breath
all dripping cherry popsicle
all lip stains on your neck and pillowcase
all red on red on red
I can't ever seem able to pull myself back together
Like stitches coming undone on a wound
Like egg shells cracking on hardwood floor
I stopped trying after 3 years of puzzle pieces
These days I make sure I never fall together so I never fall apart
May 1, 2014
May 1, 2014 at 8:30 PM UTC
She stopped breaking laws when she
started breaking hearts
Bottled tears in the vial around her neck
She lays in bed like a spider in their web
They say curiosity killed the cat but in this story
Curiosity killed you
And you love kissing her because she is not like the others
She does not pull away out of shame
She kisses hard like brick on brick on window pane
no face aflame
And you love ******* her because she does not hide away
Begs you more more more
She stopped breaking laws when she
Started breaking hearts
Apr 30, 2014
Apr 30, 2014 at 9:35 AM UTC
The truth of it is-
he's not going to fix you
she's not going to make you forget
the way your father would hit you
He is not going to make your collarbones sprout roses
He will not make you forget how to need
The truth of it is-
She is not a savior
She is not able to fight off the demons in your dreams
He will not make you forget the way your mother left
The bloodstains in the bathtub will still be there
The truth of it is-
This is your life
This is not a movie
No one is going to swoop in and save you
You will have to grow your own wings if you want to fly away
Apr 27, 2014
Apr 27, 2014 at 3:56 PM UTC