building walls
gives the illusion
that I have something worth protecting
that illusion
is a much easier story to tell
than the lack of a person behind it
Jan 18, 2021
Jan 18, 2021 at 9:35 PM UTC
do you ever just feel like
if someone took 30 seconds to
simply hold you
things might feel ok for a bit?
Dec 5, 2020
Dec 5, 2020 at 10:37 PM UTC
i'm scared to speak of her
it validates her existence
***** her from the crevices of my mind
and places her on this piece of paper
as if she's on the same level
as some work of art.
she begs
to be shown off,
bragged about.
she's usually more subtle
historically she
shrunk my waist
and my legs
and my arms
and my strength
but she's ******* gorgeous
people love to see her
mistaking her for
health
ha.
she demands the affection of others
and worst of all
convinces you to do the same.
reinforcing every choice
that led you here
do you realize
how many choices that is?
every glance in a mirror,
bite, meal, event,
run, walk,
exercise in general,
photo, social media,
shopping, outfits,
the way that you sit,
feeling parts of your body,
checking,
and rechecking,
and rechecking.
all to make sure
they fit her ridiculous ******* standards.
she's unreachable
until she kills you
and even then
you still won't be thin enough.
she doesn't stop at thin, either
she's permeated my confidence
stained it,
trashed it. to be honest.
she's not even real
but my god does it feel that way
i hear her
allthegoddamntime
i've starved her for years
that's not true.
i like to think i have, though.
pretending to be stronger than i am
i'm faking it but still
not even close to making it
out okay.
i've breadcrumbed her
i haven't starved the way she likes since ninth grade
but i've become """health conscious"""
i eat
but i eat healthily.
i check ingredients on almost everything in the supermarket.
i don't cook or bake anything
that didn't come from a health food blog.
i run, i hike,
i still sometimes google my calorie burn
every morning, every outfit, every window and mirror,
every shower, every photo,
every time i ******* think about it
i check my body
i check my body
so much
that i don't even know how many
times per day that it happens
constantly
measuring and reconsidering my self worth
so, no,
i'm not starving anymore
i haven't been for years.
but i still feel like her prisoner
and i keep feeding her
and i work in ******* therapy
i know i have control
my helplessness is an illusion
i'm just
so
tired
of
fighting
this
endless,
exhausting,
ridiculouslystupidcomparedtosomanyotherthings
battle
with her.
Nov 22, 2020
Nov 22, 2020 at 4:46 PM UTC
bright sun shines
on golden yellow branches
sharp shadows follow
golden yellow
turns to a crisp orange
smothers the earth
bare branches stand slim
less than magnificent
vulnerable,
alone
Nov 9, 2020
Nov 9, 2020 at 7:27 PM UTC
in therapy we talk about
acknowledging our pain
sit with it.
as if
i want to have dinner with my demons
Nov 8, 2020
Nov 8, 2020 at 3:54 PM UTC
imposter
that's what my mind says, anyway
i love to be alone
i am unafraid
i am happier this way
that's what i've told most
hiding in this cave is comfortable
but jesus christ it's so dark
i can't find my way around in here
it's cold and it's quiet
i'm shivering; i'm terrified
didn't i just say it was comfortable?
Oct 8, 2020
Oct 8, 2020 at 9:49 PM UTC
hi,
i thought about you so much today
and i want you to know
i appreciate you
thank you for being you.
thank you for listening
and
your patience,
kindness,
generosity
i hear that you're exhausted
combating the endless toxicity of your mind
the evil that should've
ended so many years ago
i hear that you're lonely
i hear that you might need a lot right now.
i see your strength
and growth
please remember
it's not a
perfectly
linear
path
you're a work of art
and
it's a bit messy right now
i mean--
it's been messy for awhile,
that's ok.
you might not know
what direction it's headed
but
my god,
is it a good one
i see you.
i still love you.
Jul 18, 2020
Jul 18, 2020 at 10:24 PM UTC
a drunken confession
then
lifestyle transition
comfort in understanding
and
physical affection
are we lonely or
is this more
your eyes
send mixed messages
both a bit broken
I still found strength
to pour into you
waiting
wanting you to feel
the love
I was hoping to receive from you
emptied myself
to
keep you afloat
you never gave back
you’re not scared
you just
don’t want me.
blindly dragged
for months
clinging to intermittent affection,
fed with crumbs
you filled
a physical void
but emotionally
you carved me hollow
leaving me with
knotted intestines
always
on
edge
it took
eight months
eight months
for me to see
so naïve
I need more
I deserve more
Jul 2, 2020
Jul 2, 2020 at 10:29 PM UTC
Lately your belly laughs and dry humor are flooding my mind. The only times we make eye contact are over volleyball nets and ice cream sales. Once the most important man in my life, you no longer fill the position. I fired you.
But then again, it’s like you quit. Instead of asking me about my day, you tell me about your new girlfriend. I’m beginning to forget the directions in which the wrinkles around your eyes move. I can’t exactly pinpoint your gray hairs anymore. You once embraced me with a father’s love but now pat your hand on my back.
Despite the frigid weather when you left, it didn’t seem so cold. But nine months has now felt like nine years and the temperature has only declined. It’s no surprise considering communication has never been your strong suit. Every time you speak is a cliffhanger. I am dangling from heights unknown, waiting for an answer that may not come. I want to submerge myself in your company and harmonize our voices in conversation. How are you?
My eyes do not reflect the chocolate brown in yours but instead radiate blue like the ocean. Unfortunately this is not our only contrast. Funny how years ago our faces were so similar but now that things have changed our only mutual feature is our height.
You’re half my original chromosomes but I don’t even know half of your day. Where do you go when it’s dark and the moon is shining down over you? What do you call home? Your absence is a mystery I cannot solve. The position I once promised you has been filled by a more qualified candidate; you wonder why I’m always with my boyfriend.
Although I am angry, I am sure this is unintentional. My hope is that this is only temporary. The only question is, how long will you be gone; when will you re-apply?
Oct 1, 2013
Oct 1, 2013 at 12:06 PM UTC
I stepped in the shower today and
Let the hot water burn my body
As it trickled down my newly tanned skin.
I closed my eyes and let it
Wash my mascara away.
I thought about now
How wonderful, and peaceful,
And easy things are.
I thought about summer..
You're spinning me around in the water and
Softly kissing my neck;
We sit around blazing orange fires
And congratulate each other on the perfectionism
Of our s'mores.
But soon, September will come
A tidal wave of schoolwork,
Two and a half hours of driving,
And late-night Skype calls,
Are heading our way.
Jealousy and questioning
Are almost guaranteed to become abundant.
It won't be easy,
And I can't promise anything
Besides;
I'll try my best
For you
Jul 28, 2013
Jul 28, 2013 at 11:01 PM UTC