I don’t hate you
I should. I don’t.
there are words and sentences even I am afraid to utter
in the comfort of my own body in a pitch black room.
all eyes are on me
I’m not doing it fast enough
I’m not over you well enough
I can’t get enough
of your mid-morning embrace and the way it felt
when your eyes were only on me.
when I found out you ****** her, you were in the back of a police car
and I was more scared for your safety than the wholeness of my heart.
correction * when I found out you ****** my best friend,
my entire world went black
you have never said I’m sorry or I love you
without it sounding like a ******* curse and I can’t explain
what it means to know I have wasted these months
getting wasted for you to ******* like me
I was happy and carefree and high
off of sugary coffee and the fluorescent thought of you and I
that imprinted itself into the back of my skull.
you were all I thought about
pleasing you was not an option, but a command.
we had our ending, a late night on the same mattress
stained with memories and the girl I left here when you kissed me
the first time. I am not happy and you do not make me happy.
you make me hurt – I look at you and feel pain.
I don’t hate you. I wish I could. I don’t.
you have given me reason upon reason to hate every inch of your skin
but I’m loosening the strings that tug on my heart to let this go.
I’m letting go of the stranger I met, who corrupted me into thinking
I could put you before myself.
I am tired of being sad that I am not what you want
I have accepted I am not what you ever wanted.
I’m going to take that as a blessing, although it is heavily disguised.
(I wrote this about two weeks ago. Update: I ******* hate you, Ryan. I will never forget what you did and who you hurt.)
Sep 28, 2014
Sep 28, 2014 at 12:55 AM UTC
I can't beat the anxiety
the way my joints shake even when I'm asleep
or how my skin itches to be scratched
every time I dig myself a little deeper
these summer days make me smile
and forget
I am happy, for a moment but in a breath
euphoria
gone.
I want it to stop
I want to stand still
tired of making promises
tired of making plans
tired of believing in something that will make this better
It doesn't exist
or if It does - it's too late.
Aug 14, 2014
Aug 14, 2014 at 3:12 PM UTC
last night I was reminded of the warmth beneath your skin
reminded of the way we match up together
reminded of your frantic kisses
down my neck and over the ripples of my collarbone.
I am reminded of your naked body pressed against mine
our skin hugging our curves, making our exoskeletons melt into one
lastly I am reminded that a part of me missed this
a very small part of me I only want to show you
and no one else.
Jul 27, 2014
Jul 27, 2014 at 12:22 PM UTC
there are city streets I have not paraded down
and stars I have not kissed beneath
there are bridges to be crossed
and burned
elevator buttons to push and flights of stairs to climb
I have a thirst to see the world
I want to scrape the corners for every last taste
I want to awake in a city I don’t belong in,
but I have potential
sometimes I think about how much time I wasted on you
wanting to be labeled as “Yours”
how silly of me to forget
what the world is holding for me outside of your arms
Jul 3, 2014
Jul 3, 2014 at 7:01 PM UTC
this feeling just doesn’t go away,
it doesn’t run into the corner and disappear for a night
or two.
it stays and invades the ropes of my mind,
makes me hate, and love with such passion that
I know it will drive me insane.
but the worst parts are the downfalls,
for as much as I love and as much as I topple,
head over heels and body over brain,
you will still not be mine when I roll over
in the morning
and that’s slowly taking its demonic toll
on my legs as they shake all through the halls,
and my lips as they quiver when I say your name,
and my mind won’t ******* shut off anymore
not even for a night, not even when I shove it
into the corner where there’s not much light at all.
Jun 30, 2014
Jun 30, 2014 at 7:48 PM UTC
I inhale just enough to fill my lungs to the point
where they just might
“pop” but part of me hopes they do.
the hardest part of staying here
is not knowing where I belong afterwards.
Jun 30, 2014
Jun 30, 2014 at 7:45 PM UTC
I can’t find the right words
I apologize in advance
you sleep with one hand pressed to your cheek
I know this because the other arm is coiled
around my body.
just knowing you are not even centimeters away from me
is the very definition of safety.
I can’t find the right words
to sum up how much you mean to me.
it’s more than just words -
strung together little sentences
but rolling over in the middle of the night,
and hearing you call me “baby” in midst of your dreams
is something I’ve never had
but I think it’s called perfection
Jun 30, 2014
Jun 30, 2014 at 7:44 PM UTC
still waiting to feel the oceans that moved beneath my skin
when you touched me
still conscious of the way you wrapped your hands around my neck
so possessively, filled with a power I was suctioned to
still remembering the friction between bed sheets
the desperate and lonely kisses we shared
believe me, I'm trying to get it out of my head
I don't want you here anymore
Jun 30, 2014
Jun 30, 2014 at 7:31 PM UTC
you come walking back into my life
with grace, as I stumble around looking
for the right words that will sum up
these dusty butterflies
who are permanent
in my lungs.
how is it possible
that a hurricane like you
can cause so much trouble
when the flowers just begin to grow,
when the wind returns to the willows,
as soon as happiness finds its way
into my body, you are dancing somewhere
in my subconscious
Jun 25, 2014
Jun 25, 2014 at 5:59 PM UTC
We went from
sipping scalding coffee
in the front seats of
your car
to not even muttering
a bitter “hello”
in the supermarket.
I can’t explain what you mean
to me within twenty-six letters
of the alphabet. You were a
“big deal”. We were delusional
and blinded,
but that doesn’t mean
I put you in past tense
Jun 25, 2014
Jun 25, 2014 at 5:57 PM UTC