What a strong grip that you've managed to keep so long
How does it still feel in this moment?
Realize now that the grip was too strong
It's gone too numb to feel if it still constricts
Emboldened by the lies that cross the threshold of those lips
You get what I give and I give you what I deserved
You reap what I sow, but I know what you think I don't
Believe me, you know you've deceived me
You seem baffled as I start to roam away from your reach
Wondering where went the chain you've anchored
What of the lessons you've attempted to teach
To keep me guilted, controlled and manipulated
So you can seek all you want from the others you've lied to
You take what I give but I get what you deserved
I've reaped what you sow and you know that I don't
Believe you, I know you've deceived me
So come clean to me
Bare all your guilt
Set me free
You've already abandoned me
Still you don't resist
To continue so disrespectfully
You keep your secrets disappearing
So what is it that you still want from me?
So come clean to me (come clean, come clean)
Bare all your guilt (what you hide from me)
Set me free (your cage no longer fits)
You've already abandoned me
So why should I stay by you?
©July 2024 Neal Emanuelson
Jul 2, 2024
Jul 2, 2024 at 6:40 PM UTC
You keep crossing lines that I divide
The surface reeks of emotional drought
The constants are bleeding through the needling
The mind snaps as the lights go out
*********** only numbs the stings
Doubt festering on darkened lines
Taken for granted on the fraying strings
When all the demons have come alive
So sparse were the days, self-inflicted
Where my lines could do no wrong
Greater were the internal razing of thoughts
Self induced, it never felt so raw
Sordid reality and reaper of flesh
All here is temporary, the pain is reset
Sparse were the days, they compact, compress
Where the eyes could only see the wrong
In mismanagement, the intent is pushing through
Dissecting the body of fate that held us rusted
Give more to take as we break all that we knew
As our feet stampede unknown paths we trusted
In the face of the one who never tries
I cut myself for the sloth that you harbor
And as I lie here in truth dripping from my eyes
While you watch on, desensitized to the horror
So sparse are the days, self-praising
Where my mind could do no wrong
Greater now the internal razing of thoughts
Self infliction, it wouldn't feel so wrong
Replace boundaries, scar the flesh
It's all temporary, the relief is rest
Sparse are the days, they reverb, contract
Where the eyes could see no wrong
I Am Still
A Lost Mind
Looking Through
The Wrong Eyes
To Undo
The Past Times
I Went Through
Thousand Smiles
All That Hide
The Same Lies
The Same Lies
The Same Lies
Apr 24, 2022
Apr 24, 2022 at 1:46 AM UTC
When does the love start
and the pain end
and does it know when One's made it?
Does One know if it's broken,
the parts missing,
or is One just pretending to fake it?
One's just half a thought away
From being rotten and decayed
And it still has the gall to say
That it's okay...
The only words speak
of the truths when
the hope becomes a weakness.
When the soul's rot
and the heart's dead,
but One still goes on-
can One make it?
One has half the nerve to stay
Lost in hatred and dismay
Accosted, toxic, and afraid
To say it's okay
And now One's cold, it's a mess
To find a way out of this flesh
But it's too old and it will digress
To find some way out of this...
One has gone astray, losing itself each day
No one saves, no one dares
And when it's all gone away, One hopes it has died that way
No one comes and no one cares
One's just half a thought away
From being rotten and decayed
And it still has the gall to say
That it's okay
One has half the nerve to stay
Lost in hatred and dismay
Accosted, toxic, and afraid
To say it's okay
One's broken and tired on display
Hoping for the endless day
Where it can truthfully come to say
That I'm...
Nov 10, 2019
Nov 10, 2019 at 1:19 PM UTC
Somehow this moment repeats indefinitely
The very point in which you heavily defend
The same four words that you say incessantly
An oxymoron that I’ve heard time and time again
But if I agree, then I’m the only one that’s wrong
And if I disagree, it’s “the ending that I’ve wanted all along”
Am I waiting for the same old fight again?
You’ve poked these holes in my heart with safety pins
Expect me to soak my battle wounds in juice ‘n’ gin
When it’s all over, I don’t need another ‘friend’
And when you go, surely I will let you be
But don’t expect to find ‘us’ alive in a future fantasy
Because I am waiting for you to finally be clear
And I am waiting for the last words that I’ll want to hear
Planned your routine until the cycle breaks down
If you were alone, then why was I always around?
And if I never truly cared right from the start
Could you honestly say you’d make it this far?
If you’ve done it all on your own with no one’s help
Maybe you should be fine to continue by yourself.
Somehow you’re always coming back to this
And I fill in the parts where irrationality would miss
Painted my story black and white and red so you could see
That there’s nothing between the lines you couldn’t read.
Dec 22, 2015
Dec 22, 2015 at 7:03 AM UTC
Here now
the pain of love’s bitter reality… surrounds me
But how
can they be better if love always leaves…
every time? (Lost in a fevered dream)
Every time.
But if we lie now, will we make it?
If it hurts, surely I can take it…
Is this really what we both need?
Is someone better who you’re dying to see
or is someone better who you’re trying to be?
Love, now
You’ve poisoned everything in my reprieve…
with insecurities
And now
You’ve returned with doubts, undoubtedly…
You’d love me (was it an opportunity?)
To hate me.
Is there someone better that you’re dying to meet
or are you waiting for someone better than me?
Will I be a better someone for setting you free
or am I someone better that I can’t see?
Someone better… (for the love that you need)
Someone better… (for the love that I seek)
Time and time again, you push me to the brink
To abandon ship and swim before we sink
But these thoughts don’t fade away when I sleep
Isn’t someone better who you’re supposed to be?
Because you were the one fall in love with me
The future is no surprise if you can predictably
say ‘someone better’ is someone I’m gonna meet?
Cause I’m sure as hell that someone better isn’t someone I need
If someone better is who you’re supposed to be.
Is someone better God has yet to create?
Because someone better always seems to escape
“Someone better” - an excuse to abandon and break
When you won’t accept your love’s been a mistake.
© 2015 Neal Emanuelson
Oct 26, 2015
Oct 26, 2015 at 8:04 PM UTC
The outer heart is dense
Made for nothing but defense
But every now and then, something pierces
But when it’s repairing the damage done
What of that which overcomes
It is constantly breaking through, creating lesions
So little the reparations mend
What little alive left to tend
When the tissue is dead and sordidly forgotten
Death will come from all that it's abandoned
Heartbeats constant yet instable
Will bring anyone down to their knees
Heartbeats that become unable
To liberate, only condemned to defeat
The outer heart shall rot and expose
What once was too precious to behold
Is now fighting until its last breath
Ill-prepared and defenseless still
Oft fueled by only pure will
Through all the abuse that the inner heart will suffer
None worse than sabotage by the love of another
Heartbeats lapsed, confused and fleeting
Destroyed after all it had found
Heartbeats faint, profuse bleeding
Drowning in pools on the ground
© 2015 Neal Emanuelson
Oct 26, 2015
Oct 26, 2015 at 8:01 PM UTC
I've swallowed whole my humble pie
For years now without remorse
I was content to leave it all as such
And let all things take its 'natural' course
But then I learned I could take a pen
And weave words around a rhythmic display
If it wasn't for that fateful chance
I wouldn't be half the man I am today
Because when I get sad, I close the door
And I cry
But when I get sad and think of these words
I get by
These words are my reconciliation
To a life in which I can relate
But I feel so shameful
When I chose mine
Because I chose mine
For years to come, I would covet this
A final poem, a final prose
And in the hours that past me by
I never seem to write any of those
These words I love to put to the test
As if tried and true never failed
And in my path comes consequence
of the catered streams where they wade
I've used them up, I've brought them down
On many, oft without mercy or delay
Without them, I'd never get this far
I'd never tell you in this way
But when I get here and close the door
I can get by
But when I'm alone with these words
I still cry
These words are my appreciation
Something I can dedicate
But it’s often so painful
When I chose mine
Because I chose mine
©2015 Neal Emanuelson
Oct 26, 2015
Oct 26, 2015 at 7:55 PM UTC
With fierce eyes turned towards the dawn
A tightly balled fist rose to the heavens
Parting smiles, carbon particles, and atoms
Collided and separated
And in the split of an atom second
The world caved into her mouth
Diffused with saliva-like opinions
And spit into the ocean fusion
A tear of wish amongst the sea foam rocks
Dashed by the sharp pangs of truth
Cutting deeper into her gaze
I fell out of expectation
Without a breath of hope under the torrent
Faltering a rescue of a retracted hand
Mirrored to the sky and sea
A lover gone to a memory
© 2015 Neal Emanuelson
Oct 26, 2015
Oct 26, 2015 at 7:52 PM UTC
Her doorway holds the way between
His hand and the heart he spilled
About faith
Lean against the walls in time
All in wait for her reply
Something meaningful to help return the hurt
They speak about the their world in turns
Sudden break within the boundary
Of the levees of her closed and drying tears
Opens the doorway
With brighter eyes; Return
The time slows by
And earth shall not cease to turn
Against the wall
Light shadows mood
In lieu of promises no one sure to keep
He’s not a liar, so he thought
He holds on painfully a bit too tight
She’s crushed within a comforted grip
Her eyes no longer separate between the lives
Seen reasonable or rational
To believe his words today
And the coming days with smile and a tear
The time slows by
And earth shall not cease to turn
Spinning silently when nothing’s right
Leaving hesitantly when nothing’s wrong
The doorway holds two worlds between
Closed eyes and the shudders of their dreams
Memories in reverse repetition, slowed
© 2008
Apr 9, 2015
Apr 9, 2015 at 10:27 AM UTC