natalie-fern-bell - Hello Poetry

The other night you said You could never love like this again Your stare piercing each vessel As it squired uncomfortably Underneath my skin Everybody knows Just exactly what it is I did There’s no holds barred, now and I plan to go down with my sin She holds her breath Praying she doesn’t see her again It’s own sick form of torment To the transgressor and the transgressed Every time a car rolls by “Has she come to take you, is the time here yet?” For her it isn’t if, it’s when I gave away what was not mine to squander and You’ll call me a liar, worse yet but For every shred Of evidence I left I too left the key for your vengeance and I hope you’ll wield your weapon wisely For this shot, Its the last one I’ve got So I ram the rod down the shaft Compressing the powder Lick my fingers clean Of the filth I’ve wallowed in I’d shed a tear, but what’s left is a monster The girl I was, she won’t come back to haunt you She’s given up too much hope for that

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Feb 26, 2016

Feb 26, 2016 at 7:17 AM UTC

Ram The Rod (2015)

The other night you said You could never love like this again Your stare piercing each vessel As it squired uncomfortably Underneath my skin Everybody knows Just exactly what it is I did There’s no holds barred, now and I plan to go down with my sin She holds her breath Praying she doesn’t see her again It’s own sick form of torment To the transgressor and the transgressed Every time a car rolls by “Has she come to take you, is the time here yet?” For her it isn’t if, it’s when I gave away what was not mine to squander and You’ll call me a liar, worse yet but For every shred Of evidence I left I too left the key for your vengeance and I hope you’ll wield your weapon wisely For this shot, Its the last one I’ve got So I ram the rod down the shaft Compressing the powder Lick my fingers clean Of the filth I’ve wallowed in I’d shed a tear, but what’s left is a monster The girl I was, she won’t come back to haunt you She’s given up too much hope for that

31

A list of lost poetry Lies on my bed stand and An archive of memories Rests in your hand tonight Another sob story To another break up song Another solitary cigarette To another, “I knew better all along” So, rather than the ladder I’ll minimalize farther yet Until I can’t believe in anything and I manage to forget She skipped the song and Got right along to her favourite verse She said she practiced, but forgot to rehearse She says, “I hope I’ll be up to par, tonight” She looked so fragile against my skin My favourite probably was The time when I Believed the lie What a pleasure it was to succumb What a pleasure it was to feel alive What a pleasure it is to say I forgot to say good bye She said it’s a control thing Something that looks grim in the right kind of light and I’m an eye sore to the onlooker I guess I never worried much about that Somewhere between wish I may and Wish I might Somewhere between The fire and The flame Somewhere in between everything I forgot to feel anything at all I was never what you hoped I would be but You have to admit, I did try I tried everyday to give you something to believe but I understand that some things Just aren’t up to me Some things you have no choice but To sweep underneath and The floor’s starting to lose shape Under the weight of things She knew the horizon, it wouldn’t change anything We run from our geographical locations Thinking that our region will change Our core being Created in God’s image, we are foolish creatures by nature We ride on hope that’s never been validated by anything We dig our fingers into the sand and revel in our pipe dreams She’s praying against all odds that her rod Isn’t the one that gets struck by lightening “I’m not ready,” she said “How can I let go, When I don’t even know where I’ve been?” At the end of the night She lit a cigarette She watched her smoke Billow into the sky She tucked her laces into her shoes and Brushed off her jeans She picked her keys up off the ground Then she leaned in, and kissed me good night

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Feb 21, 2016

Feb 21, 2016 at 8:26 AM UTC

Instead Of Nostalgia (2015)

A list of lost poetry Lies on my bed stand and An archive of memories Rests in your hand tonight Another sob story To another break up song Another solitary cigarette To another, “I knew better all along” So, rather than the ladder I’ll minimalize farther yet Until I can’t believe in anything and I manage to forget She skipped the song and Got right along to her favourite verse She said she practiced, but forgot to rehearse She says, “I hope I’ll be up to par, tonight” She looked so fragile against my skin My favourite probably was The time when I Believed the lie What a pleasure it was to succumb What a pleasure it was to feel alive What a pleasure it is to say I forgot to say good bye She said it’s a control thing Something that looks grim in the right kind of light and I’m an eye sore to the onlooker I guess I never worried much about that Somewhere between wish I may and Wish I might Somewhere between The fire and The flame Somewhere in between everything I forgot to feel anything at all I was never what you hoped I would be but You have to admit, I did try I tried everyday to give you something to believe but I understand that some things Just aren’t up to me Some things you have no choice but To sweep underneath and The floor’s starting to lose shape Under the weight of things She knew the horizon, it wouldn’t change anything We run from our geographical locations Thinking that our region will change Our core being Created in God’s image, we are foolish creatures by nature We ride on hope that’s never been validated by anything We dig our fingers into the sand and revel in our pipe dreams She’s praying against all odds that her rod Isn’t the one that gets struck by lightening “I’m not ready,” she said “How can I let go, When I don’t even know where I’ve been?” At the end of the night She lit a cigarette She watched her smoke Billow into the sky She tucked her laces into her shoes and Brushed off her jeans She picked her keys up off the ground Then she leaned in, and kissed me good night

64

It was written before it was stone, my friend She tells me a thousand reasons why her tides turn as they do Each one of them knotting up Before she ties the noose She says it’s nothing personal To disregard anything that was misconstrued but Wasn’t it you, my darlin’? I think it was you I saw her again, late last night She was wearing a ball gown and was Sporting her converse tennis shoes I caught a glimpse of her As she kneeled down before him That’s the hard thing about her She’s a lie, but you can’t know that Until you know her and If you’ve known her, you’ll know That there is no use It’s a repetitive cycle that just Begs to be true When they put it on the stone They put it on the cross They made molds to make shapes To accommodate For what was lost They found that what they’d hoped for Was just a mask, a mirage So they made up their own story to tell the masses and On the next Sabbath, slaughtered the cause and I suspect they took their time sewing shut the valves of your heart and I don’t know what to do You always ask me Like I pay attention to the news You’re surprised each time I can’t tell you the truth But you know what I am, don’t you honey You’ve got my number, and you’ve got a plan and I hope you don’t take me down with it I hope you don’t take me down in it The street lights, they don’t need a guide To show them how, to show them out of The dark night, the street lights Don’t mind if you mind’s swollen and Your heart is left open like a Gaping wound, the street lights They’ll keep you company tonight In that moment, I became afraid There was a disassociative effect There you were, on the bed and Then here I was, on the floor Pulling at my skin and I glanced at the window pane Hoping the snow would lift my spirits Instead I saw shards of glass In my fists, going at it I can’t even trust my mind anymore It used to be my safe haven Suddenly everything I came here for is Out of sight, out of vision and You’ve left your sword and Abandoned your mission You walked me home You came and got me I didn’t think you’d come, or anybody I didn’t care, I never expected anyone to come anyway I mean that in the plainest way We are conditioned in circumstance Nothing else Some of us fair better than others and You’ll either survive, or you won’t It’s the natural order, the law of evolution We’ll **** out the defective genes, and Enhance the most We live in a society that insists You stand on your own but We live in a world With a collective mindset Who do we trust, Our roots, or society as a whole? and In the meantime we’ll try We’ll do our best Not to feel alone I think you better get yourself Some medical attention You might have to call an ambulance kid It could be serious but I know how serious Serious gets and Right now this mess we got here, This ain’t nothin’ I’m not gonna even Worry myself about it When I left I took All my stuff with me I took your heart, as it was bleeding I got in my car, and As I was leaving I saw you standing in the window You were crying, I shut my eyes Slipped into reverse Couldn’t help but glance in the mirror and There you were, still standing I saw the woman in the day room Behind mountains of boxes I knew you’d never leave, in that moment That I’d return to a silhouette Still crying, and I’ve loved you in a way that a monster cannot feel I don’t understand it, but I had to go It was one of those moments when Everything you’ve learned goes out the window and That queer sensation, that lump in my throat I didn’t know what it was until something willed me To return home, you can’t identify What you don’t know In plain language I don’t know how I’ll find a way To forgive myself, but you Keep trudging, you keep Moving forward, because you Don’t know what else to do With yourself, because you can’t Go home, this is your home, but You are candescent and Until the light returns to her heart You will stand in the backdrop of it

0

Feb 18, 2016

Feb 18, 2016 at 9:31 AM UTC

Candescent (2015)

It was written before it was stone, my friend She tells me a thousand reasons why her tides turn as they do Each one of them knotting up Before she ties the noose She says it’s nothing personal To disregard anything that was misconstrued but Wasn’t it you, my darlin’? I think it was you I saw her again, late last night She was wearing a ball gown and was Sporting her converse tennis shoes I caught a glimpse of her As she kneeled down before him That’s the hard thing about her She’s a lie, but you can’t know that Until you know her and If you’ve known her, you’ll know That there is no use It’s a repetitive cycle that just Begs to be true When they put it on the stone They put it on the cross They made molds to make shapes To accommodate For what was lost They found that what they’d hoped for Was just a mask, a mirage So they made up their own story to tell the masses and On the next Sabbath, slaughtered the cause and I suspect they took their time sewing shut the valves of your heart and I don’t know what to do You always ask me Like I pay attention to the news You’re surprised each time I can’t tell you the truth But you know what I am, don’t you honey You’ve got my number, and you’ve got a plan and I hope you don’t take me down with it I hope you don’t take me down in it The street lights, they don’t need a guide To show them how, to show them out of The dark night, the street lights Don’t mind if you mind’s swollen and Your heart is left open like a Gaping wound, the street lights They’ll keep you company tonight In that moment, I became afraid There was a disassociative effect There you were, on the bed and Then here I was, on the floor Pulling at my skin and I glanced at the window pane Hoping the snow would lift my spirits Instead I saw shards of glass In my fists, going at it I can’t even trust my mind anymore It used to be my safe haven Suddenly everything I came here for is Out of sight, out of vision and You’ve left your sword and Abandoned your mission You walked me home You came and got me I didn’t think you’d come, or anybody I didn’t care, I never expected anyone to come anyway I mean that in the plainest way We are conditioned in circumstance Nothing else Some of us fair better than others and You’ll either survive, or you won’t It’s the natural order, the law of evolution We’ll **** out the defective genes, and Enhance the most We live in a society that insists You stand on your own but We live in a world With a collective mindset Who do we trust, Our roots, or society as a whole? and In the meantime we’ll try We’ll do our best Not to feel alone I think you better get yourself Some medical attention You might have to call an ambulance kid It could be serious but I know how serious Serious gets and Right now this mess we got here, This ain’t nothin’ I’m not gonna even Worry myself about it When I left I took All my stuff with me I took your heart, as it was bleeding I got in my car, and As I was leaving I saw you standing in the window You were crying, I shut my eyes Slipped into reverse Couldn’t help but glance in the mirror and There you were, still standing I saw the woman in the day room Behind mountains of boxes I knew you’d never leave, in that moment That I’d return to a silhouette Still crying, and I’ve loved you in a way that a monster cannot feel I don’t understand it, but I had to go It was one of those moments when Everything you’ve learned goes out the window and That queer sensation, that lump in my throat I didn’t know what it was until something willed me To return home, you can’t identify What you don’t know In plain language I don’t know how I’ll find a way To forgive myself, but you Keep trudging, you keep Moving forward, because you Don’t know what else to do With yourself, because you can’t Go home, this is your home, but You are candescent and Until the light returns to her heart You will stand in the backdrop of it

127

You get what you payed for and You take what’s yours You don’t bother asking anyone Who they are anymore You just hum your song along Until you get to the gate Then you show the attendant Your intention to go only one way She says, “It’s a ride you can’t get off, and It curves around the bend Where she takes you, She’ll decide, Right there and right then” So what you mean to say In so many words Is that I’m powerless? Nonetheless, You get what you payed for and You know you can’t complain This box here contains Only the sentiments you can’t Find a way to blame So you pull ‘em out and Look them over Until the hurts gone away Even though it seems impossible Today

0

Feb 18, 2016

Feb 18, 2016 at 9:29 AM UTC

So, You Think You're Tough? (2016)

You get what you payed for and You take what’s yours You don’t bother asking anyone Who they are anymore You just hum your song along Until you get to the gate Then you show the attendant Your intention to go only one way She says, “It’s a ride you can’t get off, and It curves around the bend Where she takes you, She’ll decide, Right there and right then” So what you mean to say In so many words Is that I’m powerless? Nonetheless, You get what you payed for and You know you can’t complain This box here contains Only the sentiments you can’t Find a way to blame So you pull ‘em out and Look them over Until the hurts gone away Even though it seems impossible Today

28

“This’ll be her last winter” My father says in a Soft sort of way The same words I’ve heard him say Countless times before He always had an understanding Of life and death and A quiet acceptance of both As we drove the road sides Were littered with bodies and snow Corpses waiting until spring To decompose He’ll never worry again About being the last one left The people mill about as if Nothing’s changed at all but He can’t stop looking at The place where she used to sit and It hasn’t quite sunk in yet That she’s gone, forever He’ll never see her again She’s never coming back and He can’t shake the feeling that He no longer belongs in this place He can’t move on and he Can’t go home Because she is dead She is dead and he’s He is the one that remains This was her last winter and she Nearly made it through He holds his tea between his fingers and Looks at me as he whispers, “This’ll be my last, too.”

0

Feb 17, 2016

Feb 17, 2016 at 7:55 AM UTC

Her Last Winter (2016)

“This’ll be her last winter” My father says in a Soft sort of way The same words I’ve heard him say Countless times before He always had an understanding Of life and death and A quiet acceptance of both As we drove the road sides Were littered with bodies and snow Corpses waiting until spring To decompose He’ll never worry again About being the last one left The people mill about as if Nothing’s changed at all but He can’t stop looking at The place where she used to sit and It hasn’t quite sunk in yet That she’s gone, forever He’ll never see her again She’s never coming back and He can’t shake the feeling that He no longer belongs in this place He can’t move on and he Can’t go home Because she is dead She is dead and he’s He is the one that remains This was her last winter and she Nearly made it through He holds his tea between his fingers and Looks at me as he whispers, “This’ll be my last, too.”

34

When I saw that the black had permeated Every last vein, nail, and hair and That it finally stopped to rest Deep inside me, somewhere I pulled out my best knife and I rolled up my sleeves Without thinking, I tore open the skin and What I found wasn’t regret, but relief I watched as one by one They milled about and then out of the room They stopped to peer inside the box Before they left, they each caught A glimpse of the beast that Loomed underneath No one dared to touch the thing The oddity that had become me So I guess they wouldn’t have known I was harmless back then I wasn’t a monster yet I guess it doesn’t matter now Like everything else, it’s water under the bridge

0

Feb 17, 2016

Feb 17, 2016 at 7:46 AM UTC

Monster (2016)

When I saw that the black had permeated Every last vein, nail, and hair and That it finally stopped to rest Deep inside me, somewhere I pulled out my best knife and I rolled up my sleeves Without thinking, I tore open the skin and What I found wasn’t regret, but relief I watched as one by one They milled about and then out of the room They stopped to peer inside the box Before they left, they each caught A glimpse of the beast that Loomed underneath No one dared to touch the thing The oddity that had become me So I guess they wouldn’t have known I was harmless back then I wasn’t a monster yet I guess it doesn’t matter now Like everything else, it’s water under the bridge

21

It was November in Houston I remember because the leaves Were crunching under my feet and The air had this stagnant, hot feeling but The breeze was cool and Soothing to me Just cool enough for long sleeves She lived just up the street I had a place to park my car and put my things She was a piece of work, to put it lightly Better it be her than me I was a monster back then but I didn’t know it yet Sometimes ignorance Has a kinder effect Amazing the things that stick to us as we grow Things burrowed so deep that we don’t even know She wanted so badly To believe that she loved me That what we had was Something of meaning She took me to a psychic, A palm reader In hopes she could fix things Instead I did coke in their picturesque bathroom and Met you in the car after my fix Thinking about it now makes me sick but Like you always say, “It is what it is” That was a decade ago Almost a lifetime Another person ago A different time in my life I’ve closed the door and In my mind I’ve left the mirror girl behind I watched her face pale As she stepped back into the mist Then she slipped into the darkness, Irretrievable and The part that wants to drive This whole mess into the canyon Drew great satisfaction From my demise Her eyes faded to black and It seemed almost familiar I can almost put my finger on it I guess either way, though I’d prefer the ladder

0

Feb 17, 2016

Feb 17, 2016 at 7:43 AM UTC

Writing On Walls (2015)

It was November in Houston I remember because the leaves Were crunching under my feet and The air had this stagnant, hot feeling but The breeze was cool and Soothing to me Just cool enough for long sleeves She lived just up the street I had a place to park my car and put my things She was a piece of work, to put it lightly Better it be her than me I was a monster back then but I didn’t know it yet Sometimes ignorance Has a kinder effect Amazing the things that stick to us as we grow Things burrowed so deep that we don’t even know She wanted so badly To believe that she loved me That what we had was Something of meaning She took me to a psychic, A palm reader In hopes she could fix things Instead I did coke in their picturesque bathroom and Met you in the car after my fix Thinking about it now makes me sick but Like you always say, “It is what it is” That was a decade ago Almost a lifetime Another person ago A different time in my life I’ve closed the door and In my mind I’ve left the mirror girl behind I watched her face pale As she stepped back into the mist Then she slipped into the darkness, Irretrievable and The part that wants to drive This whole mess into the canyon Drew great satisfaction From my demise Her eyes faded to black and It seemed almost familiar I can almost put my finger on it I guess either way, though I’d prefer the ladder

49