the best home to inhabit is one where there are no cares in this world, somewhere between dreams and reality, absurdity and rationality,
insanity, madness, asininity -
somewhere, floating, engulfed in a pipe dream, the place you land when you’re about to go to sleep and you feel like you are falling.
the best home in the universe is the one where i did not care so much how people looked at me, my head was not sodden with insecurity, my voice not overwhelmed with timidity, and the world did not think of things this way.
perhaps you are the ruler of that kingdom.
truly, if heaven exists (and how i hoped it did)
it would be the place between dawn’s brightest day and dusk’s darkest night; a time when the sun had forgotten to set or the moon was shrouded with clouds and i had drunk too many coffees at three in the morning.
if heaven exists, it is somewhere deep below the depths of the sea where jupiter has lent its rings to protect us from the outer world, the one that exists beyond where we were floating.
where is our promised land? where is nirvana, elysium, paradise? it must be somewhere past these skies and far beyond this atmosphere.
a place not without sorrow but without prejudice, a place where this world did not despise and criticize and live in bigotry;
where we could stop ourselves from ruining ourselves, and where no poverty, war, or injustice exists any longer.
it is where my deepest thoughts reside, where my hopes dwelled and populated, and the lost dreams i had given up will live for as long as i do.
forever i had hoped to live in heaven, but in my heart i knew the only way i could get there was to die and i did not know if that was what i wanted.
i did not know whether that place existed at all.
Nov 25, 2016
Nov 25, 2016 at 2:16 PM UTC
i haven’t said a word in fifty-three years
no, i told not a soul what i felt
i crumbled dreams like paper notes and
when i spoke i felt my own heart melt.
while you so declared your own ravaging fancies,
shouted like a song
a voice of purity, clear as glass
somehow, you were always wrong.
no, i am not bold, externally;
though my thoughts roared so loudly in my head
and when i put my words on paper
i could say what i wanted to be said.
my thoughts were so much louder than my words that
my head was almost deafened by their sound
perhaps i’d rather dwell in my imagined tales
than the sweet syllables i had almost found.
i dreamed, like you, to speak so clearly,
so greatly, and with such confidence;
but i mumbled, and so sillily
slurred vowels into consonants.
i dwelled in mere introversion so much that
when i opened my mouth to speak
i was held in great aversion, complete and utter disconcertion
and i could not tell you why.
indeed, i may be full of anxieties
but truly it did not matter to me, because
alone is not lonely
alone is not lonely
and i am not alone.
Oct 4, 2016
Oct 4, 2016 at 11:39 PM UTC
you were a clock always ticking and
the beat of your heart a metronome
you were a bomb and
i did not know when you might burst.
you were combustible
an incendiary grenade
and i was the gasoline
to your wildfires.
you were at war with the world
your mind a battleground
and i cried when you asked me
whether i wondered if life was worth living
perhaps because
i myself did not know
when i went to bed at three in the morning
i still woke up in the middle of the night
i dreamt my heart had burst open, ripped at its seams
still beating faster than death could seize our time on this earth
i asked you why it was that
life is this way
you were an hourglass
trying make to time stand still.
and while i went to every corner of the world
to buy each and every clock that existed,
still, i did not know how to stop it for you.
i did not know how to save a life
when i could not live my own
correctly.
you were a ticking time bomb,
ready to explode;
and i could not clip the wires
of your mind.
Oct 3, 2016
Oct 3, 2016 at 7:48 PM UTC
i talk to my shadow, for he is my friend.
i walk with my shadow; he's there till the end.
i spoke to him the things i reveal to no one else,
the silly little secrets that no one ever tells.
truly, what could i say?
he was the one that never went away.
he was with me on the treetops, under the light of the moon,
through the clashing and smashing, that sad afternoon.
he's the friend i cried to when i had no other -
no sister, no brother, no father, no mother.
"but i loved them wholeheartedly,"
that's what i'd say,
yet my friends did not love me in the very same way.
thank you, dear shadow, for being with me.
you, unlike the others, are not such an absentee.
Sep 26, 2016
Sep 26, 2016 at 10:33 AM UTC
dear love, you’re a liar
and nothing you’ve told me has been true
you’ve told me silly things,
oh, pretty things, too.
blue, blue, blue
that’s what i see when i think of you
i see blue skies and blue hearts -
i see the night, the early morning, the wishing-washing warning.
“and when we both look at the moon at exactly 11:52,
i’ll finally be next to you,
no longer separated by distance, but both seeing the same sight,
together, together, in the blue, blue night.”
oh love, you’re like art - you’re smart, in such ways i do not know.
but love, you’re a liar
and for you, i refuse to grow tired
anymore.
Sep 16, 2016
Sep 16, 2016 at 10:03 PM UTC
in some ways, i wish to forget you.
to let go of how your words hurt so much inside my heart,
how you left me to myself;
alone.
in other ways, i can’t stop trying to remember
the times we had - the hopes, dreams, thoughts whispered to each other.
the hope of a better place and time, where we could be together, as one.
i cannot forget you.
but i will always hold close the things i choose to remember:
our juvenile, silly promises,
rather than the lost hopes that will always remain inside my heart.
Sep 15, 2016
Sep 15, 2016 at 7:53 PM UTC
do you ever believe that others share a common feeling?
a hope, a wish, a dream?
a way of living life, that we perhaps are all
only shells of ourselves, to outsiders?
that perhaps, we are all connected in this.
hiding in the same way,
shrouding the senseless little things in our heart
we could not bear for any other to see.
each one of us living our lives secluded,
off in secrecy, yet somehow, we are all just the same.
every soul feeling a silly little sadness,
living scared, helpless, and anxious -
but only in our thoughts, alone;
never revealing ourselves to others.
Sep 12, 2016
Sep 12, 2016 at 4:45 PM UTC
love
is but
a simple word
that feels the night
go by
and by the time
it grows,
it's gone -
left
never
to
survive.
i passed the time
seeking
wandering, round
and round
a dream
and when the darkness caught me
i seldom
cared
to scream.
i picked up all the lilies
my fancies,
gone
and lost
and gray
i never saw past
the illusion
for
it was all
gone away.
i sought out heaven's seeking,
speaking,
i never thought i'd say
the days, the ways
to ever know
how it feels
for
love
to
slip
away.
Apr 10, 2016
Apr 10, 2016 at 11:14 PM UTC
goodnight, sleep tight
don't let the bed bugs bite
and if they do
then take your shoe
and knock them till they're black and blue.
goodnight, sleep tight;
carry me away with all your might
and when you do
I'll have good news
and I'll be pretty
dressed in blue
how maybe then
you'll love me, too.
perhaps I am just
a mere bird in flight
so if I may
or if I might
I wish, I wish
for things to be right
yet I am a mere child
filled with fright
who once believed
the world was bright.
goodnight
sleep tight
how I sang you to sleep that night
you looked so blue
in the morning dew
it wasn't a surprise
your life was through.
you rest among the flowers
all dressed in white
and I wished that I may
I wished that I might
but I never got
what I wished for that night.
goodnight, sleep tight
I gazed at the stars
and held you tight
and on that day
I didn't fight
for what I knew
no words could write.
I wished I may
I wished I might
maybe one day
I'll be a bird in flight,
I wished for may
I wished for might
yet all I could say
was goodnight.
Jan 18, 2016
Jan 18, 2016 at 12:18 PM UTC