On this January day,
my heart was broken.
I didn't cry or ask myself why,
I simply mourned the words left unspoken.
How I gave him my all,
But he gave me nothing at all
Except empty promises that he was never going to leave
But isn't that what you get when you wear your heart on your sleeve
And believe every ******* word he says?
I'm not mad, maybe a little sad,
But no big deal.
I've been on this battlefield, before
But I thought this time it was real,
But I lost who I was in his eyes
That still glow gold in sunlight
And those memories burn like the blade
That I put to my skin last Thursday
But he wouldn't pick up the phone,
Never leave a suicidal girl alone
She might drag you down into her black hole
And apparently that's what I did,
Lies spewing from my lips
That I was fine
But tell me why I went outside
"Alive" by Pearl Jam in the earbud jammed into my eardrum,
Screaming at the sky.
It felt surreal as I watched the clouds pass overhead,
Finding a new appreciation for colors that once seemed like a black and white dream
That I'd never see again,
You drained me of everything I once loved,
Claimed it was all in the name of love
But I don't think you know what that means
Because love to me is balanced,
It doesn't make you feel weak
Like you made me to be.
Was I fool? Yes, I admit.
Do I regret letting you in? Yes, I admit.
Do I see your face in the sky? No, I don't.
I see it when I close my eyes like if I stare too long it'll be imprinted in my brain forever,
I should have never brought you to my favorite places because your shadow will always roam behind me.
That's why I'm looking to the sky,
I haven't taken you there yet
And I'm glad because if you were there then I would spend the rest of my life looking at the ground,
And I just can't.
I can't pretend that I'm fine,
I can't pretend that the next few months when I wake up I won't miss your snoring or your imploring of what my nightmares were about,
Come to find out that you were the demon haunting them,
For my fear of abandonment always wins
Because you left me with a pocket full unrequited misery
And looking up into the depth of the sky to repent for my sins,
The sin of loving you even after you hurt me,
That this isn't some twisted dream,
It's reality, which makes it harder to put myself back together again
While you shut me out and I'm living in my head,
I wish you would have just left me for dead instead of numb,
But that's not always how it goes,
I've got your ghost for now,
However, mark my words,
Years from this point I'll be the last thing you think of before you fall asleep
While the image of you won't even occur to me.
I screamed at the sky today,
"Alive" echoing in my ears,
Those unspoken words finally said,
Now in the clouds where they belong.
I'm staying strong.
I screamed at the sky today
And for once,
I think I'm going to be okay.
Feb 15, 2018
Feb 15, 2018 at 8:06 AM UTC
I lit the world on fire,
watched it go up in smoke,
smelled the scent of ashen rose,
passion decomposed,
and dared to question the purity of the oxygen,
but I swallowed my tongue,
secrets like cigarettes,
one puff and I’d choke.
This pyromaniac who stole a match,
he set my heart ablaze,
but he didn’t have water to put out the flames,
so I burned and burned,
he didn’t say a word.
I never liked to destroy,
rather create with my mind,
but I had a habit of falling for ne’er-do-wells,
putting myself through hell,
all for fulfilling an aching void where my heart once resided,
so I took his things that he left in the wake of the flame.
His favorite shirt,
photographs that harbored painful memories,
a thrifted teddy bear left in the dirt,
and all the poems I wrote―
doused in kerosene,
lit on fire,
and I watched it go up in smoke.
Meet the pyromaniac’s demise,
I am the water putting him out,
keeping the embers dancing about for myself,
leaving him to die in a scorching wasteland,
now he understands when I said that I was just as capable of destruction,
just because I didn’t hurt people the way he did,
I had my own ways of making my presence known,
in the aftermath of this warfare,
I walk out of it alone,
watching from the mountains as our world goes up in smoke.
Jan 30, 2018
Jan 30, 2018 at 9:24 AM UTC
Two broken hearts can make a whole
if you just believe for a little bit that
miracles can happen and
those pieces always
come
back
together
in
the
end.
Nov 2, 2017
Nov 2, 2017 at 8:34 AM UTC
If he were the peak of a mountain,
I would have fallen headfirst into the air just to feel the sweet rush of not knowing where I'm going to land,
they call this losing your mind,
but I call it the one taste of ethereal euphoria that is one moment away from being called heaven,
and if heaven existed,
it'd be right in his eyes.
Oct 30, 2017
Oct 30, 2017 at 8:40 AM UTC
I sat beneath the fallen stars,
somehow finding fault in their guidance
when I walked along a deserted path
all because my pride was far too fragile
to leave in the open;
Woes splayed out like a forgotten book,
Tattered pages, innocence long faded―
memories hidden between every word,
yet the reality of my existence sets in at sunrise,
then my dreams crumble down to a lonely whisper into the night.
And I must face the pain,
the anger,
the confusion,
that has overcome every cell in my body
until I am nothing but a reflection of the scars their ghosts left behind.
But, I refuse to look back into that bottomless pit,
hungry for my sense of worth,
no matter how many times it calls my name,
begging to feel whole for just one day;
I won’t go back.
Still, I have traveled down that road with nothing but miles and miles of empty sky,
searching for meaning in every untouched stone,
and every shallow grave.
Yet, no one told me that the traces of skeleton touches would still burn holes in my skin,
that the silver bullets would rip through to my core,
leaving me vulnerable vulnerable in a world that preys on the weak,
and bleeding on the shards of my broken heart like paint to a canvas,
only the wounds never heal.
And it’s an endless ride down a two-way street,
signs screaming “dead-end”,
but you keep going,
thinking that maybe you can change its route.
Behind the facade of cracks filled with gold
and faltered smiles too heavy to pick up again and again,
there is a scared little girl inside,
unwilling to greet the future with open arms,
terrified to take the first step out that door because the minute she does,
it all becomes real,
and reality is the biggest dream-killer.
I've been running from the demons lurking in the past without actually seeing that they are only the contours of my mistakes
and they do not define me,
they do not define me;
They do not define me.
I’ve never looked beyond the ruins,
I’d only seen the darkness that I welcomed so warmly,
but I never saw the light underlying,
so much stronger than the misery,
and if i’d known that this journey,
that realization knocking on my door,
was so promising,
I never would have taken a step back.
I never would have believed for a second that things couldn’t get better
and that the darkness was forever,
but i’ve seen the future and its pleas for redemption;
And I’m listening,
I’m listening for the first time in so long.
It’s calling to me,
and I go because life is about taking chances
and if I hid behind my fear forever,
I would never give myself a chance to change
After all, I am simply human.
Oct 2, 2017
Oct 2, 2017 at 12:51 PM UTC
There I stood, at the edge of the horizon,
ready to drop into the void that has long since consumed me,
complete and utter oblivion on my mind,
and looking toward the angry sky,
my eyes watch the last sunset I'll ever see.
Before I plunge, I breathe in untainted air for the first time since birth,
and I count the palpitations of my still beating heart,
the sky fades to black.
It all goes blank, like watching a tragedy unravel from behind a one-way mirror and being powerless to stop it,
confronting the familiar sensation of drowning,
except, this time it's for real
and there is no way to escape the burning of your barren lungs,
now my heart trembles in the depth of despair,
its final beat pounding in my ears like the echoes of a drum.
Rising from the waves, I swim unscathed
as if I'd been above the water all along,
and I wash upon the dusty shore,
unsure if I've met my tumultuous fate,
my phantom longing to soar,
but invisible chains bonded me, forbidding me from leaving the uncontrollable storm that was brewing.
It didn't take long to realize that this was the oblivion,
the nothingness that I thought would finally bring peace,
all of my reasons seemed as far away as the sun in the sky that I could no longer reach.
The world was still spinning,
maybe somewhere my presence long-forgotten,
my thoughts and my dreams evaporated to dust,
everything that I had once touched:
gone and never to be seen again.
My soul is broken on the ocean floor,
the shattered remains left to fly on fractured wings,
pieces of me sent to every person I love or have loved,
and I can only watch on the outside as they ask themselves what they could have done to save me;
Why didn't they save me?
And I look up to every mountain top,
every cloud passing by,
all in a similar cycle that I had never noticed before because I was so caught up in my own pessimism that I did not see the beauty all around me.
I did not see the hands extended in the air to hold me up after I had fallen,
I had not seen the silent pleas in their eyes
or the ghosts of my past haunting them the way they had haunted me.
Now the stone girl had cracked
and all that they couldn't discern was displayed,
leaving me nothing but an illusion to vanish into the shadows;
and for the first time,
tears swept through my entire being,
the realization that ending my life was forever
but you never think about that until after you've jumped;
that the limits to my own mortality became clear
in the millisecond before the sunset,
the last glimpse of light I ever saw before I raced through the tunnel to find it.
They say that light can vanquish darkness,
but they never tell you that sometimes the darkness needs more than embers,
sometimes it needs a sunset.
And if someday I were to live again,
I would never take them for granted.
Sep 22, 2017
Sep 22, 2017 at 9:25 AM UTC
I touched her lips,
reminisce of where they were last kissed
and I hold back broken sentences
that I may find comfort in telling her
if she weren’t the one who
cut off my tongue.
Speechless, she reaches into
my soul like a spear to
a bottomless river, expecting
to find my self-worth but,
instead, she finds a
blackness that has consumed me
long since she burrowed herself
within its depth.
Loving her was my religion,
and as she faded into the Autumn wind,
I knew that I could never love again,
not without travesty,
not without remorse.
Without her, there was
no meaning in the blue
skies or the phantoms that
hide in their corners.
I knew that when she didn’t
answer my prayers at night,
my faith had gone as well.
Sep 5, 2017
Sep 5, 2017 at 11:40 AM UTC
The ghosts come back to haunt her,
Their shadows lurking over the ancient escritoire,
Quill in hand, paper a blank canvas,
Wondering if the poets of the past would praise her
Or look on her in scorn,
Will her own words be a wordsmith's dream?
Will she live a travesty and be idolized in death?
She buzzes with unease,
Feeling the fierce grip of inspiration overcome her,
Succumbing her to its essence before it vanishes,
And in her isolation, the words dance,
Sometimes in harmony, sometimes in battle.
Jul 19, 2017
Jul 19, 2017 at 11:10 AM UTC
Mama washes the clothes
And hangs them out to
Dry, she takes me by my
Hand and we dance beneath
The twelve o'clock sky.
Papa goes to out and
Doesn't come home until
Late, we're all snuggled in
Bed by the time Mama asks
Him why he hasn't ate.
*He's missing out on time with
The kids,* Mama tells her sister
One dreary day.
I might just have to work more, she'll say.
Papa feels weak, thinks it's his job
To provide for a family that's
Just starting to fray.
Mama works and we ask
Why she won't come to play.
Papa tells me she's off to
Work, that it'll just be for
A little while.
But, days turn into weeks,
Weeks turn into months,
Months turn into years.
Instead of Mama, Daddy now
Wipes my tears.
They tell him that he's a poor
Excuse of a man
And that Mama is better
Off finding a real one.
Times have changed,
Families grow in different ways.
Sometimes things happen,
But I've learned that
Mama's and Papa's still
Love their children just the same.
Jul 19, 2017
Jul 19, 2017 at 10:15 AM UTC
Children like to pick apart beautiful things and leave them bare,
Simply because the destruction that lies at their fingertips is far beyond compare.
They touch the lilac sky with creation in mind
But they don't know that the light withholding their innocence has slowly died.
As children, we are the petals of a flower, lovely when in bloom
But wilted and numb once the bitterness consumes.
We are left to wonder where our innocence has gone
And we roam until our carefree days are done.
O, the vines embrace our still beating hearts,
Like the thorns that have not released us to the cold world.
I crumble beneath the lilac sky
As these fallen petals swirl.
Jul 17, 2017
Jul 17, 2017 at 9:47 AM UTC